Disclaimer: Wands are dangerous items. If you find a wand, the first thing you should do is check to see if it's loaded. This has been a public service announcement.
Harry's eyes refused to close. Every time he started to relax, one of his room mates would move in their sleep or make some other sort of odd noise. The sounds of their breathing alone was nearly enough to drive him insane. After surviving so many attacks, it had become almost impossible to relax in the company of so many other people . . . even the ones he trusted. Sighing, Harry got out of bed and walked across the room. There had to be at least one secure location in the school where he could catch a nap and after that, maybe Dobby could help him find something more permanent, or maybe the Professor could think of something. Leaving his dorm room, Harry walked down to the kitchen in search of the odd little elf.
"Hey Dobby," Harry called out as he walked into the kitchens. "Can I speak with you for a moment?"
"Harry Potter wants to speak with Dobby?" The little house elf was ecstatic.
"Yep." Harry nodded. "I need to ask for a favor and to give you a proposal."
"What favor Harry Potter sir?" Dobby smiled.
"Can I give you the proposal first?" Harry smiled nervously, "I want to offer you a job."
"You want Dobby to be your house elf?" Dobby perked up.
"I wouldn't mind you as my house elf," Harry replied, shaking his head. "But I have another job to offer."
"What is it Harry Potter sir?"
"To start with." Harry squatted so he could look the small elf in the eye. "I'm Mr. Black."
"Mr. Black is Harry Potter sir?" Dobby's grin almost split his face, "Dobby knew Harry Potter was a great and powerful wizard Dobby just knew it."
"It's a secret," Harry whispered to the small elf. "But I figured that I could trust you with it."
"Yes Harry Potter sir," Dobby agreed quickly. "Dobby will never tell your secret."
"I was wondering if you'd be willing to work with me to keep the world safe?" Harry held out a badge, "I remember what you did to Lucius Malfoy when he threatened me and I know that you'd never abuse the power."
"Yes Harry Potter sir," Dobby nodded so hard that Harry was afraid that his head would pop off. "Dobby will work for you."
"Good," Harry nodded. "My favor is . . . well, I can't sleep in my dormitory. You wouldn't happen to know a secure place where I could get some rest would you?"
"Yes Harry Potter sir," Dobby gave a slow nod. "I think Dobby can help . . . what about Winky?"
"Do you want me to take care of her?" Harry took a breath.
"Yes Harry Potter sir," Dobby nodded. "Dobby is worried about Winky."
"I have an idea of how to make Winky happy," Harry bit his lower lip. "Have her come talk to me sometime tomorrow."
"Yes Harry Potter Sir." Dobby grinned. "Come this way."
IIIIIIIIII
"Good evening Madame Bones," Peter tried to sound confident. "I've come to arrange a deal with you, I want to switch sides."
"What kind of deal were you hoping for?" Amelia sighed, she knew it was a mistake to meet this moron.
"I want immunity," Wormtail replied. "And I want to be relocated out of the country."
"No." Amelia signaled her Aurors to start moving in.
"No?" Wormtail was dumbfounded, "but I have valuable information."
"That's nice," said Amelia. "How about this, I'll keep you locked up in a tiny cell away from all human contact and you tell me everything you know."
"You can't expect me to accept that?" Peter scoffed.
"The alternative is that I turn you over to Mr. Black . . . I hear that he wants to talk to you about something."
"Deal," Peter agreed quickly. "Now take me out of here and keep Black away from me."
"You heard the man," Bones commanded. "Take him away . . . put him in one of the smaller cells."
IIIIIIIIII
Harry and his friends walked into the DADA classroom and Harry took a minute to examine the man. He had brownish hair, he appeared to be in his thirties, and he had a dumb looking grin on his face.
"Good afternoon class," the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor greeted the class. "My name is Sidney Hamilton, I was an Auror for a couple years and I also competed on the dueling circuit. My real claim to fame is the fact that I've written several defense and dueling texts, some of which were on the curriculum this year." The man gave an expectant smile, "I look forward to teaching all of you. Why don't we start off with a question, who is the most dangerous man in the world?"
Several students raised their hands and eventually the new Professor picked Ron.
"Mr. Black," Ron replied.
"Good." The Professor nodded, "five points for answering that question. While it's true that Mr. Black is widely regarded as being the most dangerous man on the planet, it's also true that we have a lot to learn from him. Does anyone recall the incident between Mr. Black and a couple of unfortunate vampires in Transylvania? Chapter fourteen of your textbook 'Black Summer.'"
Several hands shot up and this time the Professor chose Neville.
"Mr. Black was betrayed by one of the villagers and turned over to some vampires," Neville replied. "They were going to kill him and drain his blood so Mr. Black did to them what he does best . . . he killed them.."
"That is correct," Professor Hamilton agreed. "Ten points for that answer. The important thing about this incident is that it showed a bit of insight into the way Mr. Black likes to duel, he seems to favor simple spells like the Reducto."
"But what about the Black Massacre?" One of the students asked. "He used all sorts of spells in that."
"That's correct." The Professor nodded, "he has also been known to use unknown spells of immense power, but can anyone recall what kind of spell he used to deal with the vampires?"
"A cosmetic charm," Lavender answered. "One used for quick tanning."
"That is correct." Hamilton looked ready to burst into song, "he showed that simple spells can be used for serious purposes. You see class, Mr. Black likes to use simple and easy to use spells to resolve his problems when he can. This approach has several advantages; the first is that it allows you to conserve energy, the second is that many simple spells are quick to use, and the third is that many enemies do not expect to face such simple spells and have no defense for them."
"Why does Mr. Black use them?" Another student asked. "He has plenty of power, he has all sorts of quick to use spells, and he has unknown spells that no one could defend against."
"Excellent question," Hamilton said with a grin. "And the easy response is that no one knows why Mr. Black does anything. Some have theorized that the entire summer was nothing more than a training exercise, that Mr. Black was showing us how to do things better. This theory is supported by the fact that several of the Aurors assigned to follow Mr. Black have mentioned that he would often take the time to give them bits of advice on how to do their jobs more efficiently . . . now if you'll open your books to page . . ."
Harry went through the class on autopilot. While he had gotten some idea of how the wizarding world viewed his alter ego when he had visited the twins, nothing had prepared him for this. When it all sunk in, well . . . it was gonna be real hard to keep from bursting into laughter every time someone mentioned the name Mr. Black.
IIIIIIIIII
"Hello?" The Professor knocked on the door of a large manor house, "is anyone home?"
"What can I do for you?" An elderly man with a long beard answered the door.
"I'm the Professor," the Professor introduced himself. "And I'm here to talk to you if your name is Nicholas."
"It is," the old man replied. "What do you wish to talk with me about?"
"Mr. Black," said the Professor. "Would like to offer you a job."
"What is he offering?"
"A new life," the Professor said simply. "You've been living on borrowed time ever since you allowed the public to believe that the stone was destroyed."
"How do you figure that?" Nicholas asked slowly.
"They will only believe that you have so much time left, if they see you around for too long then someone is either going to put two and two together or decide that you have enough youth juice to last them a long time." The Professor grinned. "What we are offering is a new life in a new place for you and your wife, we have a secure location for both you and the stone."
"And I suppose that you want me to give you the stone for safe keeping?" Nicholas sighed.
"Not at all," the Professor disagreed. "It's been safe with you for all this time, why wouldn't it continue to be safe?"
"Then why do you want me to come with you?"
"For two reasons," the Professor replied. "The first is to make it even safer, I do not know what safeguards you've placed on the stone and you do not know what safeguards we have on the island. The second and more important is that . . . well, it would be nice to have an Alchemist on the island."
"What?"
"An Alchemist," the Professor raised his voice. "We have a Potions Mistress, she's also good with charms and engineering. We have me, I'm a magical Engineer. We have the Mechanic that drops in every now and again. We have a goblin Architect. We have a brilliant Doctor. And I think that you would fit in nicely, imagine all the things that could be discovered if we all worked together."
"What kind of resources do you have?" Nicholas was starting to get interested despite himself.
"Quite a few rare and unusual books, the largest collection of Egyptian magical texts in the world, and a cookbook from Atlantis."
"A cookbook?"
"That is all Mr. Black wanted to grab when we visited the ruins of the lost city." The Professor shrugged, "though there are plans in place to salvage a bit more of the ancient knowledge."
"Allow me a bit of time to discuss this with my wife," Nicholas suggested. "Is there some way I can contact you?"
"Here." The Professor handed the older man a Zippo, "the instructions are engraved on the back. Just call for the Professor."
IIIIIIIIII
"Welcome everyone to the newly renamed DADA Advanced Studies club," Harry smiled. "This year we'll be focusing on staying alive."
"What do you mean?" One of the students raised their hand.
"I mean that I'm going to teach you how to survive a death eater attack," Harry smiled. "Or at least give you the tools to help you survive a death eater attack . . . I just don't want anyone here to die."
"Too late Potter," the students screamed as two men in dark robes entered the room. "Prepare to die."
"Reducto." In a flash, Harry's wand was in his hand. "Reducto Reducto Reducto."
One of the death eaters collapsed as the spell destroyed his lungs and the other began screaming in agony as his leg was reduced to a couple pounds of useless meat.
"This is what I'm going to teach you," Harry approached the wounded death eater at a calm, measured pace. "These are the situations I want you to be able to deal with at the end of this year."
"You won't get away with this Potter," the death eater made a feeble attempt to raise his wand.
Harry stomped on the man's wand arm and aimed at the death eater's head, "reducto . . . any questions?"
"Oh god." One of the students bent over and emptied his stomach. "You killed them."
"This is what I'm going to teach in this class," Harry's face could have been carved out of stone. "Anyone that wishes to quit . . .well, the door's right there."
About half the assorted students stumbled out of the room, leaving Harry with his core group of friends plus a few others.
"Good," Harry nodded. "Then we can begin."
"Um," Ron's face was pale. "Don't you think you should do something about . . . them?"
"The death eaters?" Harry raised an eyebrow, "I suppose . . . I don't need them anymore."
The remaining students watched in shock as the bodies and blood disappeared.
"Harry, what happened?" Hermione stared in shock.
"It's the room of requirements," Harry shrugged. "I required a couple of death eaters for my demonstration."
"I hadn't realized that it could make people," Hermione swallowed.
"I'm not sure it can." Harry shrugged, "it might have just grabbed a couple of them and brought them here. Either way, I got what I needed for my demonstration."
The assorted students looked ill at the implications of Harry's statement.
"To start with," Harry began. "This club will be split into two groups, the first group will learn what I just showed you."
"And the second?" A fourth year girl asked nervously.
"Will be learning some more advanced things," Harry smiled. "Fair warning, I don't want any of you to become death eaters and use what I teach you against normal people. If you do . . . well, I think you know what I'll do to you."
"There's something wrong with Harry," Hermione whispered to Ron. "He's been so distant since school started."
"What do you expect?" Ron whispered back. "We haven't seen him all summer and all of us are on eggshells, he doesn't want to say what he did this summer and he's afraid that we're going to ask him and we're trying to avoid asking him."
"Maybe?" Hermione wasn't so sure.
"Give him a couple of weeks and everything will be back to normal." Ron predicted.
"Everyone take a look at the person to your right . . . now to you left, to your front and rear." Harry commanded, "does anyone see anyone in this room that they're willing to die for?"
Several of the students gave embarrassed nods except for the Hufflepuffs who had answered without any hesitation.
"That's good," Harry continued. "But are you willing to kill for them?"
At this question the students looked less sure and many glanced down at their feet.
"It is a terrible thing that I'm doing." Harry sighed, "a horrible crime. I arranged my demonstration to show you how ugly the business of killing people is. Now I have to do my best to prepare you for the situation where you may have to do it yourself. I want you to think of two things while you're in here. I want you to think of your loved ones, the ones that you're willing to die for and I want you to think about the fact that a dead death eater can never cause any harm to them." Harry took a deep breath and then deliberately met the eyes of every student in the room. "Some of you may know what happened last year, that will never happen again. I am not going to take any one of you into a dangerous situation if I can help it . . . form two lines and practice spell accuracy with your reductos."
"Are you sure that was necessary Harry?" Hermione asked in a low voice so as not to be overheard.
"No," Harry replied candidly. "But I'm not sure it's unnecessary either, better to err on the side of caution."
Harry supervised as the students practiced casting their spells. He allowed them to go on for several minutes before finally deciding to call things to a halt.
"I think that's enough for today," Harry shouted over the din of several practicing students. "I'll let you know when I have an idea of when we'll meet next. Could the advanced group come up here please?"
Harry's Ministry crew assembled and regarded him with looks of anticipation.
"Don't say anything yet," Harry commanded. They all watched as their friend pulled out his wand and cast several unfamiliar spells. "Privacy charms," Harry explained.
"Why'd you do that mate?" Ron asked with an odd look on his face, "we're safe here aren't we?"
"I don't know," Harry answered honestly. "I would have thought we'd have been safe last year and we all know how that turned out. Which brings me to the subject of this meeting, the first thing I'm going to do is show you each how to cast this nifty little privacy charm that was developed recently. It'll give you temporary barriers around your minds that should protect you from casual intrusions."
"Is that why you don't have lessons with Snape this year?" Ginny asked quickly.
"No, I use something different." Harry ignored the looks of curiosity on his friend's faces. "I would suggest that at the very least you use this spell before any meetings with the Headmaster or before any Potions classes, they have both shown little regard for individual privacy when it comes into conflict with their goals." Harry's eyes swept the room. "Any questions? Good, who would like to try first?"
IIIIIIIIII
"You wanted to speak with me, Harry Potter Sir?" Winky spoke up. Her eyes refused to leave her feet.
"Dobby says that you don't enjoy working here," Harry spoke evenly. "I'd like to know why?"
"Winky misses her family Harry Potter Sir," Winky squeaked. "Winky misses her Barty, he was a bad boy but he was Winky's."
"So if I asked you to come work for me then you'd still be unhappy." Harry knelt down to look into the small elf's eyes, "would you like to take care of Barty again?"
"Yes Harry Potter sir," Winky agreed. "But poor Barty is dead."
"He was kissed," Harry corrected. "But his body is still alive, they keep it in a special ward in St. Mungos. Would you like to take care of him again?"
"Yes Harry Potter sir," Winky replied with a hint of her former cheerful attitude. "Winky would like that very much."
"I have a hospital," Harry spoke. "Which I would be willing to use to accommodate Barty, would you like me to move him to the hospital?"
"Yes Harry Potter sir."
"Ok," Harry agreed. "Would you be willing to help out around the hospital? You've got a lot of experience taking care of people and taking care of Barty won't take too much of your time."
"Yes Harry Potter sir," Winky agreed quickly.
"Can you pop into St. Mungos and move Barty or do you need help?" Harry wasn't too pleased with his actions but he figured that he could live with himself. It brought the house elf out of her depression, the fact that he'd be getting the Doctor some experienced help was just a fortunate bonus in his opinion.
"Yes Harry Potter sir." Winky nodded, "Winky will go do that right now."
Harry watched the tiny house elf pop out and he pulled out his zippo. "Professor."
"Yes my friend, what can I do for you?"
"Warn the Doctor that a house elf and a body will be showing up in her hospital, the house elf will help out if we house the body."
"Is it still living?" The Professor's voice sounded odd.
"He was kissed," Harry replied. "I'd also like to ask if it would be possible to create a wand that can only fire off non lethal spells? I had something in mind that would make it so I could use a Reducto in a practice duel without worrying about my opponent getting injured."
"What effect would you like the spells to take?" The Professor was intrigued by the notion.
"Simulated damage if at all possible," Harry replied. "If I shot someone in the arm for example, I'd like them not to be able to use that arm . . . maybe a bit of pain too."
"I can also put an illusion of the damage," the Professor mused. "Make it look and smell like a real wound."
"How soon can you get it to me?" Harry asked quietly.
"It won't be long," the Professor said. "The spell work isn't that complex, what do you need it for?"
"Practice dueling," Harry replied quickly. "And I'd like at least two dozen of them if possible."
"I shall have them in your hands soon . . . what color do you want them?"
"Bright orange," Harry said after a moment of thought. "I think it'd be best if I could tell at a glance which were the real wands and which were the practice, safety first."
AN: Harry mistrusts Snape and Dumbledore, he doesn't think that either of them will leave well enough alone. I do not know if this is a valid worry on his part, I suppose we may find out or we may not . . . I don't have anything planned. Harry feels bad about how he appealed to Winky, he couldn't think of anything better and I've never seen this used before.
OMAKE:
"What is Mr. Black's favorite color?" Professor Hamilton looked around.
"This is almost as bad as bloody second year," Harry muttered to himself.
"Mr. Longbottom?"
"Black Sir," Neville replied.
"Correct, now can anyone tell me Mr. Black's favorite food?" Professor Hamilton asked the class.
"Still beating human hearts?" One student guessed.
"Happiness?" Another guessed.
"Dementors?"
"No." Professor Hamilton shook his head. "The correct answer is . . . human souls, you were all close; those are all foods enjoyed by Mr. Black."
"What the hell," Harry whispered to himself. "I knew they were dumb but this?"
"Ok, next question. What is Mr. Black's hobby?"
"Killing death eaters?"
"Killing in general?"
"Satisfying massive groups of veela?"
"Satisfying massive groups of veela while killing things?"
"Correct," the DADA Professor called. "Mr. Black likes to satisfy large groups of veela while killing things."
Omake by Alliriyan
"Professor, I now understand why you are pinning the fate of the nation on a near-Squib pipsqueak like Potter..." said Snape with an air of enlightenment that didn't quite look right on his pallid face.
"Oh? And why is that?" remarked Dumbledore, popping a Lemon Drop into his mouth. M...Grindelwald flavour...
Severus pressed his fingertips together and lightly rested his chin on them. "Potter..." said he, after a pregnant pause; "...is Mr Black."
Dumbledore choked on his sweet, spat it out, went dead-white and then proceeded to have a heart attack on the floor. But Harry was his innocent, adventuring, anti-serial-killer protegee!
The Potions Master allowed this to continue for a few moments with a smug grin.
"Now you know how I felt when you told me Potter was a prophesied hero," he smirked. "April Fool!"
Suddenly recovering, ALbus struggled back into his chair and glared at his employee. "It's not April." he replied flatly.
"So? You had it coming." sneered Snape, and without further ado he swept out of the office.
Incensed, the Headmaster stabbed his wand in that direction and laughed when a high scream sounded. The escalating staircase had vanished...just like that.
IIIIIIIIII
On board the zeppelin, Henchgirl looked into a strange spinning contraption.
"Professor!" she gasped, "Harry's been found out!"
Omake by I)ark/-)ngel
"So, what would have happened if Voldemort got the fake stone?" Harry asked.
"If he attempted to use it, he would have been transmuted into something far more precious than gold." Dumbledore said with his twinkle working on overdrive.
"What?" asked Harry, leaning in eagerly.
"That is a secret left for when you are older, my boy."
"Please tell me?"
"No."
"Please?" Harry, settling in to outwait the old mage.
six hours later
"Please?"
"Fine." the aging wizard replied in something vaguely resembling Trevor's speech.
"He would have turned into... a lemon drop." All signs of fatigue from his long argument vanished under the incredible smugness that can only build up after 150 plus years of life.
"HOW IS THAT USEFUL!" Harry yelled.
"After that I would defeat him by an ancient technique known as (dramatic pause for effect) ... (more dramatic pause that had less effect)... (small snore)" The old man gave all appearances of having fell asleep.
"DUMBLEDORE TELL ME!" Harry yelled, losing patience.
"...Oh, yes, where was I?" Dumbledore said, suspiciously awake all of the sudden.
"The ancient technique." Harry said, the current configuration of his mouth probably being more suited to mastication than speech.
"I will now reveal the ancient secret... an art known as ... digestion!" Dumbledore stared expectantly at Harry, preening in a manner to make Fawkes jealous as he waited for the admiration that would doubtless be involuntary after such a revelation of cleverness. Harry instead responded with a classic faceplant.
"Are you alright, my boy?" Dumbledore queried as said adolescent slowly rose, hands twitching around what anyone but Dumbledore could see was an imaginary neck.
"Want to see what's left of Grindlewald?" Dumbledore said in a severe misinterpretation of the expression. He then reached towards a Tupperware with a 'yuck' sticker on it.
Harry, seeing the sticker, decided to leave while he was... well, he didn't know where he was, but he was positive where he was heading was worse.
"Poor boy, couldn't stand my brilliance - I should have used a longer dramatic pause." The old wizard
said as he settled in to remember just how sweet victory could taste, not to mention a little sour.