Disclaimer: Work of Fiction. Names, characters, places, businesses, events and other incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to an actual person, living and dead, actual events or incidents are purely coincidental.
*****
Crush... Love...
It's just a normal thing for people, especially teenagers. Having a crush on someone and even falling in love with someone is just part of life. Normal lang iyon para sa ating mga tao dahil ayun ang nararamdaman natin. At a very young age, we can already feel this. But mine is different. When I was growing up, I never had an interest in someone else, especially with my opposite sex. I never experienced that feeling of having butterflies in my stomach, slow motion, the sudden beating of the heart, or unexplainable feelings whenever teenagers like me saw their loved ones or crush.
The normal feeling is when you are attracted to the opposite sex or even to the same sex. But, no. I haven't felt it yet. Hindi ko pa 'yon naramdaman kahit noong highschool pa ko. Even in my earliest days, hindi ako nakaramdam ng admiration sa isang tao. Ganon kalalim na feelings. I thought I wasn't normal or I was just numb because I never felt it. But I thought, maybe I was not at the right time to feel that attraction to someone else. Also, it's not the right person.
Inisip ko na lang na wala pa ako sa tamang oras na makaramdam ng ganon at hindi ko pa nahahanap 'yung taong 'yon na talagang masasabi kong "siya na talaga". Ang taong magpaparamdam sa akin ng paru-paro sa tiyan, ang pagtigil ng oras at galaw ng mga tao, 'yung tanging siya lang ang nakikita at naririnig ko, 'yung pagtibok ng mabilis ng puso at iba pa.
Ngunit sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon, hindi ko alam na mararanasan ko din pala ito. I never thought that day will come. It just happened. One day, I woke up and just felt it. But I was confused. Dahil ang taong nagustuhan ko at ang taong nakaparamdam nito sa 'kin ay sa isang tao na hindi ko inaasahan. A man I never dreamt to be. A man that I never expected to be. As days pass, I know I'm feeling something way too far in my vocabulary. Is this the feeling? Is this the feeling of being in love with someone? If yes, why? Why is it have to be him? Why him?
I don't know how can this be possible. I need to stop my emotions. I need to stop the feelings that are burning and growing inside of me. I don't want it. I honestly don't want and like this because it is too complicated. Hindi maaari. Hindi pwede. Hindi ko siya pwedeng magustuhan dahil hindi tama. I shouln't have feeling for him that is deeper than the relationship I have with him already.
Maraming magtataka, maraming magagalit at maraming tututol. Pero bakit nasasaktan ako ngayong iniisip kong kailangan kong pigilan ang nararamdaman ko? Bakit ako naiiyak ngayong kailangan kong putulin kung ano man ang namamagitan sa aming dalawa. Bakit ako nasasaktan para sa aming dalawa.
I will never be his and he will never be mine. Until when? When these feelings I have for him will last? When will this stop? Can I do it? Can I hold it in? I don't want to let this go. Some part of me doesn't want to let go. Should I wait? Should we both wait for that moment? The moment that our hearts can finally meet and be as one?
Until the day came... Until I became yours...
* * *
It's a woderful day today. Maganda ang araw ngayon at tamang-tama sa okasyon ngayon. Nasa loob ako ng kwarto ko at nakaupo sa isang upuan habang nakaharap sa isang salamin. Nakangiti ako at tuwang-tuwa para sa araw na ito. Magkahalong saya, nerbyos, takot at excitement ang nararamdaman ko ngayong araw. Hindi ko alam pero sa edad kong ito, alam kong napaka-espesyal ng araw na ito. Hindi lang sa akin, kung hindi para kay daddy.
Speaking of Daddy, he is brushing my long wavy hair like he always does. Bata pa lang ako, si daddy na ang nagsusuklay sa buhok ko. He would brush my hair and watch videos on Youtube just to learn how to braid or tie my hair. Kahit hindi siya marunong ay talagang pinag-aaralan niya para lang talian ang buhok ko tuwing papasok ako ng school. But today is special because he's brushing my hair for a special event. I'm wearing a white dress. A simple yet very cute dress. Daddy put a flower clip on my head once he was done brushing my hair.
"There you go baby, all done. Are you excited?" Daddy asked while smiling at me through the mirror. I grin and looked at him behind.
"Yes, daddy! I'm very excited and happy for you." Daddy patted my head.
"Glad you are. Are you sure you're happy with tita Kelly? I mean, is she good to be your stepmother?" daddy asked again for the nth time. I sighed at him.
"Dad, you've asked that for like a gazillion times already. Yes, tita Kelly is great. I'm happy that she will be my stepmother. I know you love her and I love her too, okay? So don't worry. Gosh dad, you're getting married already!"
Dad chuckled because of my reaction.
"Oh god, you're really starting to sound like your mother. Good heavens, my baby is growing up." Napailing ako kay daddy at natawa na lang dahil sa sinabi niya. Dad hugged me and caresses my hair. I hugged him back too.
My dad is getting married! Yes, you heard it right. Gosh, my daddy is getting married and I got to see it. Yiiieee.
Since the day he fell in love with tita Kelly slash soon to be my step-mom, he never stopped asking me the same question. Wala naman ako problema kay tita Kelly e. Sa ilang taon ko din siyang nakilala at nakasama, alam kong mabait at maalaga siyang babae. She will be a perfect mother that my dad always wanted me to have.
I never experienced having a mother actually. Noong pinanganak ako, namatay na din ang mommy ko. Sabi ni dad, may sakit daw kasi si mommy at hindi na nga siya dapat pwedeng magka-anak. But my mom has a dream. Isa raw sa pangarap niya bago mamatay ay magka-anak. Ang magka-anak kahit wala siyang kasiguraduhan kung makakaya niya at makakasama niya. When she got pregnant to me, her life was in a critical condition. She was dying. But she still fought to deliver me normally. She was strong and brave that she have to risk her already risky life just to protect and deliver me.
At that point, alam kong mahal na mahal ako ng mommy ko kaya kahit hindi ako nabigyan ng chance na makilala at makasama siya, I'm still happy. Bata pa lang ako, kinukwento na lahat sa 'kin ni dad ang tungkol kay mom at pinapakita din niya sa 'kin ang mga pictures niya. Kahit ganon, nararamdaman kong nandyan lang siya sa paligid at nakakasama ko. I love her so much. My love for her will never change. Even though I will have a new mom.
"Come on. We'll be late for the wedding."
Kinuha ni dad 'yung susi ng kotse at ang coat niya. Sinuot na niya 'yon at ako naman ay kinuha na 'yung isang basket na puno ng rose petals. Isasaboy ko ito mamaya pagkatapos ng kasal.
"I love you dad."
Napatigil si daddy sa paglalakad pababa ng hagdan at tumingin sa 'kin. He smiled at me and kissed my forehead.
"I love you too baby. Always. And even though she's not here anymore, I still love your mom. She's still the first woman who I love eternally. But today, I know she will be happy because I chose a perfect woman to be there for you as your mother and to love you as her very own daughter."
I smiled at my dad and held his hand tightly. From this day forward, our lives will change. My life will change. May makakasama na akong mommy at hindi na lang si daddy ang makakasama ko.
Sanay akong kami lang ni daddy magkasama pero alam kong magiging masaya din siya dahil may makakasama na siya na mamahalin siya ng buo. Makakasama niya hanggang pagtanda at hindi na siya iiwan. But deep inside, I know dad won't forget about my mom. She loved my mom so much that he's not yet ready to marry another woman. Kahit hiniling sa kanya ni mommy na magpakasal ulit siya kapag nawala siya, e hindi niya magawa. It took him years to finally fulfill her last wish.
My mom's love was not selfish. She loves my dad very much that she's ready to let him go because she knows she can't stay long enough with daddy. I admire my mom so much.
Today, I can say that I'm ready too. Ready to face a new life with Daddy and my new mommy. A new life with my family.
*****