It has been an entire year, since I met Thrall. I have no idea how much time that translates to in the dream world, but it appears that much has changed within my world throughout this time.
The air seems a trite less sweet. The sun less oppressive in its luminous splendor. It harrows the mind to believe that nothing much has transfigured within this small island except my own perceptions of it. All my sisters, my brood... they are almost like strangers to me.
I cannot remember what it was like to be one of them. I know that it was not too long ago, that I was just as blissfully unaware of the true state of this world, but I can no longer find that same pleasure in singing praises to a goddess who was never listening. We no longer have much in common, after all.
Perish the thought that I see myself as greater than they, I do not wish to give that implication on even the most fleeting of inferences. I love my brood, as I always have. They are as a piece of my own body, in spirit and—now that I know it—in truth.
Only, now that I have felt the touch of a higher convocation of love, I realize just how shallow the bonds of familial lineage actually wade. It is as if I have spent my entire life in the beaches and sands of the shoreline, and only now have I ventured into that vast black emptiness in the sea, that devours ships whole in its voluminous maw.
I panically tread water in desperation to drink in as much of that glorious depth of knowledge, but as soon as I relax for even a moment, it threatens to swallow me up into unfathomable depths; and I fear so desperately that I may never return.
It is my hope and my nightmare—for what greater elation would there be to drown completely in love, and have nothing but care and compassion surrounding on all sides; to learn of all the secret treasures that it harbors deep within the inky fathoms of its never-ending, roiling girth—but such horrors dwell in the depths therein, no man or woman who plays so blissfully on the shore may ever hope to imagine.
Such terrible possibilities that come with availing yourself of its limitless vulnerability. To be truly one with another soul, to have their lives and hearts so ruefully naked and open to you, and to then accept that same state with them in turn... it is like nothing I have ever imagined in this world.
Thrall gave me his name. His TRUE name. I hold it in my hand, and within his own, he clutches my heart. With but a word, I could have turned him into my mindless slave. I held the entire power of the highest magnitude of the choirs in heaven, and I let it go.
Sometimes, I wonder why he did it. Surely, he would have known that I would realize his identity, sooner or later. Perhaps he wasn't expecting that I would judge him.
Perhaps he was hoping that I would.
The guilt on his shoulders must have born a heavy burden, for those six-thousand years. I scoff at the sheer grandeur of that number. I imagined that my race was long-lived, but then I encountered a race who was not designed to know death. I cannot imagine how utterly taxing it was to have been waiting all that time for a sword to fall from the heavens and impale me at any given moment.
Nearly two-thousand years have passed since their so-called "Messiah" was killed, and all hope for his absolution was completely extinguished. For almost two-thousand years, he has lived with that unconscionable dread. Not just every one of those individual years, but every day, every minute, every second. Just biting your lip and shivering to know if this is finally the moment where it all falls apart?
I would imagine it was quite easy to fall into despair, and give up. He probably craved an escape; for someone to just get it all over with. His life could be someone else's problem. Like a tool.
Unfortunately, I lack the rancor and brutality of my father. I could never look at those piercing blue eyes, and forget that there once was a man inside. I... love him too much.
I.....
What a gruesome thing it is, to say that out loud. Even to admit to myself, I vacillate at the prospect. See, how my talons quiver to inscribe this loathsome secret into my own private diary, like I were a mortal human being! These fickle sensations somehow grow to overwhelming, as long as I leave them unchecked for even a moment! How absolutely dreadful a task, this habit of self-reflection has become.
I believe that it is an ideal opportunity to change the focus of the conversation, as I no longer wish to think about these occurrences any longer! I have work to do. Thrall has given me a substantial task to complete within my waking hours, and I would much desire not to return to him unaccomplished.
I am to focus on the meaning of Ruach(at least, I think that is how it is spelled), and only after I believe that I understand every detail of its multiple lexical topologies, I am to speak it. He warned me not to get my hopes up too high, but I have always been the most faithful of my brood, and I expect to master this concept within the day!
He never appreciated the sheer unrepentant zeal I have for expanding my capabilities. I will learn all the words of his tongue, until I speak it even more fluently, even than he! This I swear!
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Oh, what an exhilarating rush! What an unthinkable ecstasy! How unbelievably gratifying in its edification! I feel like I have never truly lived, up until I stepped out of myself and into the soothing embrace of the word. Ruach loves me! He really does!
I feel like my body had a hole inside of it, that was-- No, more like a treasure chest! It was locked away, deep inside, and waiting dormant deep within my heart of heart to be freed. All these years, I had this desire to find the means to open that chest, and release the bonds of passion and glister that have always been endemic to my kind.
I now remember why I wanted so badly to meet my so-called goddess. I hoped and dreamed that it was for my undying devotion, and a longing to be close to someone who had given me everything, but I have never been that selfless. Somewhere deep inside, I knew that it was because I felt a torturous, unknowable inhibition.
I knew, that something was wrong with me, and I hoped...—no, not even dared to hope, almost like an unspoken prayer—I prayed that she would see what was wrong with me, and use her great magnificent powers to unlock my hidden potential. I never knew, that I had the power all along.
I never needed some silly goddess to achieve my dream! I can, and will do this, all under my own strength. Greater, still, is the impression that there are other treasures like this yet, buried unbidden within me. There is an electric palpitation that runs across my entire body, when I say the word.
Now that I know the shape of these voids within my spirit, I cannot help but marvel at the complete waste of perfectly good energy that is spent on imprisoning the words from expressing their true propensity. Do you think that perhaps they are afraid of the power it has?
The original tongue cannot be defended. It cannot be repudiated. It is the source of all that is, and even the gods themselves are formed of them.
So, they limit my potential, not because they care for my well-being, but out of concern for giving a denizen a greater aspect of potent magics than they themselves can wield. I feel the unmistakable shape of four great words that make up the core essence of my race, as well as a smattering of smaller words that occupy general things, like temperament and shape.
I want to know their names so badly, that I am beside myself! I fear even that I may not be able to sleep as readily tonight, for how great my fervor is to begin right away! How ironic, that my passion for knowledge would bar me from the access point to achieve it.
Nevertheless, there are three more words left for me to unearth within my breast, and I believe that I know exactly where I am to start. As I mentioned before, once I spake of Ruach, there was a noticeable spark of lightning across the spine; and every time thereafter. I would dare venture that the next word has much to do with the bolts that Zeus himself wields.
It is the strangest sensation, summoning the word with full knowledge of whom I refer. I am become one with the air around me, within and without; everywhere, and nowhere. I wonder if Thrall can relate.
I am filled with so much energy, that I feel close to bursting just with its utterance. It is like I can do anything, at all. I will make the gods weep at the potency with which I unleash miracles across their captive world. Even Typhon himself, will tremble.