And this is when the extraordinary tale of the legendary heroes unfolds..
A brown girl in royal white attire sashayed slowly toward the group. She held a substantial gray orb caressed in cloth. Diego raised his brow, 'isn't this the affinity tests they do in Mangas? Bro, I don't think I'm in a video game, but in an isekai.' He reaches his hand out toward the orb.
SLAP!!
"Ow, what the fuck!" Diego held his dangling hand in pain.
The brown girl glared at him with her amber eyes, "You sit on this. It's nasty to touch it. That's why I'm holding it in a cloth."
"So, is that like a toilet? Not something to check your affinity with something?" Diego couldn't believe they almost touched a round toilet seat.
The king giggled like a cutie, "You must be knowledgeable of the arts of magic?"
The cute laughter almost convinced the group that he was the 'princess' they had to rescue. Of course, they didn't dare to vocalize that. The brown girl sets the orb in cloth down on the ground. She then pulls Jaimie, pointing at the orb.
"What the fart, I'm not sitting on some balls!" Jaimie refused, rubbing her virgin butt, "This my first time too! I'm tryna save my first for a guy with glasses!"
Pota was flabbergasted by the stupidity of what Jaimie was saying. The brown girl snapped her fingers, and Jaimie's butt was glued to the orb. She yelped as her ass hit the orb hard and started to shake. The orb gave her an urging feeling in her butt. She felt something trying to poke out her butthole. "Um… I feel my bowels contracting. Where is thy toilet!" Trying to appear like royalty, Jaimie felt the poop trying to come out.
"Jaimie, why do u look constipated" Pota started to hee-haw, to make Jaimie pissed off. But Pota was right. Jaimie couldn't refute, but their toe stuck out of their shoe, making their toe do a middle finger. The mysterious man gasped, seeing that his protection 3 shoes got ripped apart by a mere toe. He starts to grit his teeth, those shoes were hand made by the best materials he had, and he regretted giving them to this brainless monkey.
[Jingle bell, jingle bell.. the Christmas song continues]
"That's the sound of the finished assessment of the affinity orb" The brown girl smiled, anticipating the results.
"AHHHHHH," Jaimie screams as she shits fire from their butt, "What is with this tomfoolery!"
As Jaimie got up, rubbing her butt after that traumatic fart. The brown girl gave her a wooden staff and a mage outfit. As Jaimie held it, she automatically equipped it.
[Mage Gown, +0.1 Armor]
[Mage Staff, +20 Attack]
"OH my god, this shit is weak as fuck! I'm literally fae, weak as hell," Jaimie complained as she checked the stats.
The others in the group sat down on the orb to see what they had an affinity with.
[Jingle bell, jingle bell.. the Christmas song continues]
Fae suddenly started to whistle beautifully, and all the birds started to swarm him. "Where are the birds coming from?" Diego asked, but then one of the birds put their singular talon on his mouth to shush him. Fae was handed fake elf ears with a bow and arrow.
[Bow, +15 Attack]
[Arrows, +2 Attack]
[Elf Ears, +2000 familiarity with the forest]
Pota sat down on the orb. Their legs started to sweat because all their other friends had awesome results. After a while, it started to smell funny, like rotten eggs. "What does this mean? Do I not have any affinity with anything?" Pota asked. Their test seemed to be the longest with no results.
"I think you really resonate with poop. This smells like my poop," Jaimie joked, getting a huge whiff of it, opening her mouth to inhale it all. Smacking her lips, she analyzed the purity of the poop smell, "Mm.. Pota, you're up to no good."
"OH, this is a very rare trait. You're an alchemist! All alchemists stank since they're indoor neet freaks," The king started to kick his feet like a cutie again.
Diego seriously started to stare at the king like he was ill.
The brown attendant, Beo, handed them a set of equipment.
[Magnifiying glass helps with identification of objects]
[A lot of complicating alchemist equipment, effect: makes you want to craft indoors]
Pota looked gloomy at what they got. This is way more insulting than Jaimie's mouth.
Last but not least, Diego gladly sat his ass down on the orb, crisscrossing his legs. Very expectant of what he'll get, humming a tune like the happiest man in the world. 'I can't wait to dominate this world!' He thought sweetly. 30 minutes later…
[Whomp whomp whomp..]
Silence prevailed in the room. Beo looked at him sadly. She retrieves a sword and then hands it to Diego. "Protect yourself."
"Are you fucking saying I don't have any powers?!" Diego cried. He was fighting back his tears. He felt embarrassed about what he was doing earlier.
Fae put his hand on his shoulder, "Hey buddy… it's ok-" Diego shoved Fae away. "It's not ok! Nothing is ok! Omg, I want to kill myself, Jesus!"
"Don't put gods name in vain," Jaimie wagged her wiggly finger.
"Check the stats, Diego"
[Sword of Normalcy, +69 Attack (growth type)]
The Mysterious man nodded in approval. He looked at Pota shaking his head. Turning to the king, he spoke, "My liege, wouldn't it be fitting to add one more person to their party? Specifically, my disciple Ira, his light magic will be useful."
The king looked contemplated his request, waving his hand in approval. The mysterious man bowed and disappeared. He reappeared with Ira. Ira had a feminine face with tan skin and golden eyes. His hair was to his shoulders with a dark color that glistened in the sun. His physique was lean, and he held a white staff.
[The Sun's Kiss, +30 attack (growth type) (stacks up to 3 times per hit)]