Dhiraj was pacing back and forth in the living room. Often, he threw glances at the door of Nakul's room. What if maybe he just got out of his room? Locking yourself up in your room overnight isn't good. I bet he hasn't even eaten anything.
The scenes from last night flash into his mind once again. He was fully aware of Nakul's sadistic side and he didn't mind it. In fact something about Nakul taking charge turned him on. But yesterday was different. It was as if he couldn't hear me.
It wasn't that Dhiraj didn't want to bottom. But he would like their first time to be under different circumstances. He most definitely was nervous about the idea but he got his mind around it. Being able to touch Nakul on a more intimate level is more important to me than the position I'm able to be with him. He has already accepted me despite never being with a man.
The way things progressed yesterday was something he didn't expect. Usually Nakul was quite considerate of him. He loved to tease Dhiraj, sure, but he never tried to force himself on Dhiraj. Nakul not giving any form of attention to Dhiraj's wants and worries was out of the blue. And that did leave Dhiraj with an unsettling feeling. Sure he didn't like their one-sided playdate, but again, he still loved Nakul nevertheless.
He knew that Nakul regretted what he did and that was enough for him. He was in a strange dilemma. Because the events last night did scare him. The feeling of being subjected to do something despite not wanting, sent a shiver down his spine. But at the same time he was afraid to have an honest talk with Nakul.
What he feared even more was that, expressing his concerns about the last night would set back his already fragile relationship with Nakul. What if I talk about this with him and he gets even more scared about our relationship? What if he doesn't want to have sex? What if he starts having 2nd thoughts about us? His nervous habits took over, as his pacing increased. He bit his nails, a reaction that only happened if was too afraid of something.
No! I've tried so hard to get to the position that we are in today. I don't want that to go to waste. I'll have to-NO. I must talk him out of this.
With that intention in his mind, Dhiraj approached Nakul's room. But before knocking on his door, he suddenly remembered that Nakul might not have eaten anything. I can't let my baby be hungry anymore.
So he rushed to the kitchen and prepared a few ingredients. He wasn't a fancy chef. Rather, he didn't even know the C of cooking. But despite that, he decided to prepare a small avocado sandwich brunch for his baby. With his sloppy culinary skills, he somehow managed to peel off the avocado and cut it into slices. Toasting some milk bread, he gave it a quick spread of cheese and simply placed the avocado slices on it.
Although the brunch was nothing much, Dhiraj couldn't help but be utterly proud of himself. Now all he hoped for was that his baby would see his efforts and eat something. He made his way to Nakul's bedroom and gave it a knock.
~No reply.
Now this is too much. Not getting a reply made Dhiraj knock once again. Again, no reply. The silence that followed made Dhiraj anxious. What if....something happened to him.....His mind started imagining worse scenarios. What if he.....No....I'll just enter the room. He tried opening the door but it was locked. That worsened his anxiety. He went to his room to retrieve the master key and soon opened the door.
~Dead silence.
The moment Dhiraj stepped into Nakul's room, his body sensed a suffocating atmosphere. The windows were closed and so were the curtains. The AC wasn't on and the dust had accumulated for a few weeks, since Nakul didn't stay in the room. It didn't take Dhiraj long to spot Nakul. He was curled up in a thick blanket on his bed. What should he do? Should he call for Nakul? Let's try that.
"Nakul....?!" Dhiraj made sure to keep his voice soft. Nakul didn't reply, but the little wriggle in his blanket made it evident that he was awake.
A smile made its way on Dhiraj's lips. He couldn't help but find that wriggle cute.
"Nakul....you haven't eaten anything. Let's eat something first." Dhiraj suggested.
*sniff
Now Dhiraj's heart broke. Sure, yesterday's events scared him but he knew Nakul didn't mean to do that. He knew that Nakul was guilty and he also knew that he was beating himself up. Don't cry.... Dhiraj couldn't handle those muffled cries anymore. He placed the plate on a nearby table and crawled on the bed. He laid beside Nakul. Nakul sensed that and Dhiraj giving him another chance made him tear up even more. He finally broke down.
The pain he was trying to forget came crashing back and he burst into tears once again. Dhiraj's heart tore into a million pieces too. The last- No. He never would want Nakul to go through something like that. So he wrapped his arms from over the blanket around Nakul, holding him tightly.
Nakul wept more as he felt the Dhiraj's warmth that his soul craved. Dhiraj being there for him despite the horrendous thing that tried to do, made him question himself as a person. Why are you here for me? I nearly tried to r- *sob. Do I even deserve you after this? Why are you so.....nice?
Tears kept flowing and Nakul despised himself for his actions. But at the same time his heart desperately seeked Dhiraj. He had come to the point in his life that a world without Dhiraj seemed rather meaningless. I know I don't deserve you. But what can I do? I cannot help but want your warmth. I cannot help but want your caring touch. Your voice that whisper those loving words. Your eyes that follow me wherever I go. I cannot help but want them...Maybe I'm not a good person. Because despite what I've done, I still want you to be with me. Please...Please stay with me.....
Convoluting thoughts kept coming in Nakul's mind. And as more time passed by, Dhiraj's strong arms around him soothed him. Once he was calm enough, he turned to Dhiraj's side in his blanket. Slowly, he popped his head out. And soon his eyes met Dhiraj's. He was still wearing that warm smile, patiently waiting for him. And that smile made Nakul wail once again.
He buried his face in Dhiraj's chest as he too hugged Dhiraj back. "I'm sorry....." Nakul kept blurting out as he cried.
Finally. Dhiraj felt at peace. His baby was talking to him. He simply started patting the back of Nakul's head, running his fingers through the hair in an attempt to calm him down. "I know."
"I'm so so so sorry."
"I know babe."
*sniff sniff "I know you probably hate me now but...."
*running his fingers through Nakul's hair "No.....How can I hate you...."
*sob "But I...I forced myself on you....." Nakul's grip around Dhiraj's waist grew tighter. It was as if he was afraid Dhiraj was going to leave him.
"Nakul.....Look at me...." Dhiraj pulled himself apart from Nakul. It was only them that he got a good look at Nakul's face. His eyes were puffy and swollen and that sight broke his heart. He gently cupped Nakul's face and softly whispered, "About yesterday.....I...." Dhiraj wasn't sure what he should say next...Should he tell Nakul that yes, he was in fact pretty scared yesterday? No. He might break off our relationship.
Fear won and Dhiraj lied, " I wasn't scared.....I was just....surprised....like...we did decide to try 'that' once I get back....so.....but..."
"I still forced myself on you.....That's....sick...right?"
One thing Dhiraj was sure of was that he must make Nakul think differently about the situation. Because if he doesn't, Nakul will be too afraid to take the next step in their relationship.
"I think you are overreacting, Nakul. If I would've felt that way I would've told you about it right? It's just not that big of a deal. Maybe you...you just got too excited...." Dhiraj wasn't sure if what he was saying even made sense. All he knew was that he wanted Nakul and he wanted to be with him. "Yeah....it was just excitement...Don't sweat about it too much..."
Nakul wasn't sure how he should react to that either. A part of him knew what he did was inexcusable. But another just wanted to forget that incident and start once again. The temptations took over rationale and Nakul made the decision to let go of the past.
"I...don't know..." Nakul buried his face once again in Dhiraj's soft pillows. Maybe because he didn't have the guts to say what he was going to say, while looking into Dhiraj's eyes, "All I know is.....I want to....I want to be with you...."
That was it. That was alllllllll Dhiraj needed. Dhiraj's heart went boom boom! Is this a confession? I don't care. You just saying this....is enough for me.
Dhiraj's hug grew tighter. He didn't care what had happened. All he cared about was what Nakul had just said. His heart squealed with joy. But he soon remembered why he came there in the 1st place. The brunch!
"Babe! I brought you some sandwiches. Let's eat them first!!" Dhiraj suggested.
Nakul didn't want to let go Dhiraj. So without letting go of those soft pillows he replied, "I don't wanna move....."
That is not done. You should eat something. Dhiraj was about to open his mouth to say something when Nakul completed what he had to say.
"Feed me"
Dhiraj's mind went blank. His baby requesting, rather demanding to be fed? Has life ever been this good to him?
"Okiee" The puppy immediately got off the bed and fetched the plate that had been sitting on the table for quite some time now. He sat on the bed with his baby in front of him.
Dhiraj picked up the sandwich and slowly started feeding Nakul. A soft smile appeared on his face. Nothing would satisfy me more than him being with me. He smiled more at that thought. Meanwhile Nakul had a similar thought too.
I will never. Ever. Do anything to scare you. Or make you sad. Nakul decided. He observed Dhiraj's features as the man in front of him kept wearing that soft smile when it was Nakul who was having a hearty meal.
Something took over him. Suddenly, he leaned into Dhiraj and placed a deep kiss on his lips. Its was different from his usual soft kisses. That kiss was firm. Rather determined. Determined that he will do everything in his power to cherish his man.
Dhiraj was taken aback. He didn't expect a kiss. But that unexpected gesture widened the corner of his lips. He returned the kiss with equal vigor. Pushing his tongue inside to enhance the feel of those chapped lips. Breathlessness took over and finally they parted.
The atmosphere of the room got lighter as they both shared the food Dhiraj had prepared for the first time in his life.
* * *
In real life: YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO LET SUCH A SENSITIVE TOPIC GO. RATHER ONE MUST TALK ABOUT THIS WITH THEIR PARTNER.
Both Nakul and Dhiraj's behavior is something that I don't support IRL. Dhiraj ignoring the problem and not communicating his true feelings is a very big problem.
But I have to make this creative choice since this very part of their personalities is going to play a major role later in the storyline.
So, do keep up with them so that you will understand what I'm talking about.
* * *