I rubbed my eyes as I woke up at the side of the bed, with half my body still seated on the chair. Jay was across on the other side, just seated in his chair. It looks like he hasn't slept, while Samuel was dozed off.
This took me back.
I waited for Samuel to wake up, so we could say our goodbyes.
"Thank you. I needed that. I was in a dark place for a long time, and maybe this was what I needed."
I dropped the present I got, which was an old photo I asked the coach to give me a day before. It was our old team playing rugby.
We exited the building, our thoughts confused and disturbed but also relieved that Samuel was alive.
We were in the taxi going back home.
"You're gonna say something. You can't hide it anymore. It's time you tell somebody," I demanded.
He refused to say anything.
"James Walker, you saw the consequences of your actions there, but I was at fault too. Fifteen years old, just teenagers, thinking a few drinks would make us one of the top leagues of the school. We took our fun to another level and we peer pressured Samuel into taking a few drinks, but that's what I don't get, what happened after." This time I wasn't gonna allow Jake to use the guilt card anymore. I needed answers.
"For fuck's sake, you want an answer? Alright, before the party at the club, I asked Samuel if we could use his dad's car, and he could pick me up. We didn't have a license, yet I kept harassing him, calling him names I shouldn't say."
"So, what happened after?"
"We got to the party and had a few drinks, well, me of course. Samuel was freaking out, thinking his dad was gonna call. He didn't drink at all."
I kept tapping my leg. It was finally revealing time.
"I talked him into a few drinks, then we were drinking, walked to the car. The words I said were a few drinks wouldn't do us any harm, but holy shit it did. It ruined everything. He drove off. But I kept talking about his girlfriend, how she was too clingy to him, and he needed to calm her down, saying it was a toxic relationship."
I looked at him. That is not what you should say to somebody who was drinking that night and driving.
"Of course this enraged him, and we had a conversation between the two of us, debating on whether she wasn't the problem, that his friends were the real toxic part in his life. Then it happened, his eyes weren't on the road, as he missed a red light. At the side, I only saw a giant light hitting straight at the car door on the driver's side...Samuel's side. The car flipped. I woke to see the front of the car crashing inwards into Samuel's legs. At that point, his legs were crushed."
I was silent, shocked at how the event turned out.
"You know what I did after?"
"What?" I asked, not really wanting to know the details.
"Instead of calling the cops and helping, I watched the unconscious version of Samuel, as I broke the door wide open and ran away. Can you believe that? I took a flight response, ran away from the problem I caused, even though I'm still running away from that. How can I live with myself?"
I looked at James in shock and stupefaction. Samuel was our friend. I would gladly take a bullet for any of my friends. They didn't look at me or judge me, telling me I need to improve in this or that. They always treated me like I was already perfect, that I didn't need to overwork on my self-image. For that alone, I would sacrifice anything for them.
But this, this fucked up situation was messing with me right now. I didn't know what to do. This was a living nightmare.
I reached home while James was dropped off by the taxi long before.
"I'll be in my room. I already had dinner, so I'm not hungry," I lied to my parents as I walked in.
As I laid on my bed and watched the ceiling, what went wrong? Was I at fault? Was I not good enough of a friend? Did I take my bad habits to a high enough extent where the people around were impacted? I hit my head with my palm. Jay would probably be thinking the same.
My thought pattern is much more different than James's. He's been through a lot, but I grew up more privileged, with access to more things. I took things for granted, but other times, I always felt I wasn't worthy for this type of life. I felt so loved by my parents and the people around, that I questioned whether I was really worthy for that much love and gratitude.
So I pushed myself. I knew I wasn't good enough for any of this. I didn't work hard enough, but I just kept pushing myself, changing things about me so others would like me, forgetting the things I was changing about myself were actually so loved in the first place. I lost myself.
But I won't lose my friends, not them. For that, I can be my true self around them.
I felt the vibration of my phone. I got a message.
It was from Jay. What was he gonna say?
[Thomas, I always felt like you never needed to change for anybody. You're the perfect best friend, a brother I always wanted. You're my family,] the text read.
Today was Saturday, where were James's parents at this late hour?
I stood to my feet straight away.
I dashed downstairs.
"Lachlan, I need your help now. It's urgent," I said to my brother.
He saw my eyes. He knew straight away this was real shit.
"Okay, what do you need? Take it," he said.
"Drive me to James's house now."
"What about the mom and dad?
"They can follow after. It's life and death."
"What do you mean?" he questioned.
"I mean I got a suicide letter from James. We need to hurry."