I Stared vacantly out of the window of the long box as we journeyed into the city, barely seeing the shops and buildings as we passed by. I was lost in my thoughts. It took a lot out of me to convince myself to make this move, and a lot of encouragement from my family.
I have been staying with my parents in a small town that is peaceful and quiet, without the buzz of the city. It was good for my mental health, but my parents felt it was me wasting my potential, so when I got this job they didn't waste any breath telling me to move that it will be good for me. My brothers were in support too.
My parents are scared of me spending the rest of my life alone that they want me out in the city where the prospects for marriage looks promising. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I don't plan on getting married, not after what happened to me. I don't think I can stand the touch of a man on me.
I pulled my thoughts out of my dark past and tried to focus on the beautiful things in my present as my therapist thought me to do.
Her advice was that whenever I feel myself slipping into the deep dark void of my mind where the ugly things are hidden I should try everything possible to pull myself out and fill my mind with good thoughts.
Which is what I did. Filling my mind with thoughts of being at the beach, sitting on the sand, the water under my feet and a calm breeze blowing across my skin.
The bus hit a gallop startling me out of my day dreaming back to the present and the things outside the window came into focus.
This part of the city was lively, a lot of people on the road heading in one direction or the other, others inside the numerous roadside restaurants catching lunch, or taking coffee breaks.
The life going on outside the window didn't hold my interest long and soon I was thinking about what is going to happen next.
I will be seeing one of my best friends whom I haven't seen in ages. A lot of things have changed inside me and I am worried that she will notice it.
I haven't seen the girls in ten years and I don't know if I am ready to see them but I have no choice. The apartment in the cities are very costly and above my budget.
Iseul was the one that offered for me to stay with her, but she didn't have to twist my arms for me to say yes. Like I said, good apartments are expensive, and I have a low budget which I almost exhausted making this move. I haven't worked in anything good for the last ten years and this job is my first real one.
I don't the whereabouts of the other girls since I haven't spoken to them in ten years. The only reason Iseul and I are in contact is because she tracked me down five years ago. Our interactions weren't as they used to be when we were younger but we kept in touch from then on.
The bus slowed down as it got to the bus terminal and then drove in to park in front of the tall dark brown building bearing the name of the bus station. Iseul is to meet me here.
I waited for the bus to empty before coming down. I had just one big luggage.
Outside the bus there were streams of people everywhere hurrying off to some where. My heart rate increased and my hand tightened against my luggage.
I took a deep breath to calm myself. You can do it, I spoke softly to myself and started forward looking around for the slender five ft six figure of a girl with dark hair and a purple streak.
While I was searching for Iseul I ran into a passer bye.
"Watch where you are going, stupid," he snapped at me with a glare.
"I am sorry," I bowed to my waist, my long black hair falling over my face.
He ignored me and walked away.
When I stood back up a familiar voice called my name.
"Ji-a!"
Her loud screech attracted a lot of attention from people, but Iseul didn't care.
"Ji-a!" She screamed again and took off in my direction, a beaming wide smile on her beautiful face. I wanted to say she hasn't changed but that wouldn't be entirely true.
Outwardly gone was the emo kid, and in her place a very classy beautiful woman, her purple streak gone from her hair, that she wears to her shoulders.
But personality wise she was still the same, with the exuberance of a kid.
My heart rate increased, my body grew stiff and I stood still like a statue and waited for the hug I knew was coming.
"I have missed so much!" Iseul threw her arms around my shoulders and hugged the breath out of me.
I stood rigid in her embrace not reciprocating. I was never much of a touchy person, but since that incident I can't tolerate people's touch.
"I missed you too," I whispered in a tiny voice.
And I did. Cutting my friends out of my life was the last thing I wanted to do, but I couldn't tell them what happened and them being in my life would have been a constant reminder. I wanted a complete break.
I did my best to tolerate hers but when it lingered I began to feel claustrophobic. I could feel my chest closing and breathing becoming difficult. I pushed her away from me roughly and bent down to my knees to try and catch my breath.
The buzz in my ears grew loud, and my tummy felt queasy like I want to throw up. I did the counting backwards like my therapist thought me and gradually my heart beat slowed and by the time I got to fifty my breathing felt better.
I raised my head to see Iseul staring at me, a concerned and terrified look on her face.
"Are you alright?" Her dark chocolate brown eyes was full of questions.
This was what I was afraid of. That she will discover about my anxiety problem and ask questions, that is if she doesn't conclude that I am nuts.
"I am fine," I smiled shakily at her. She didn't believe me, but she let it go.
"Come, my car is that way." Her voice was subdued, lacking the initial excitement which made me sigh sadly inside.
I did my best to keep out of the way of the plenty bodies streaming around the bus station.
We got to her car and she helped load my luggage into the trunk and we entered the car and got on our way.
On our way to her apartment the silence inside the car was stifling. I kept wriggling my fingers in my laps thinking of something to break the ice, but I couldn't bring myself to speak.
I know she has a lot of questions and is merely restraining herself, which I must confess is quiet different from how she is when she was younger. Iseul was a talker and usually blurts out whatever she is thinking. But not this woman beside me.
I kept sneaking glances at her unable to believe how much she has changed. It made me happy and at the same time sad. I felt as if the world has moved on and left me behind.
"Is there something on my face?" She turned to look at me.
I shook my head.
"Just that you turned into a very gorgeous woman," I blurted out and then turned fifty shades of red when I realised what she said.
She smiled.
"Thank you, and you too. But then again you have always been the most beautiful one amongst us."
I stared down to my fingers not sure I believed her words. I haven't felt beautiful since that night.
"You don't have to pay back a compliment just because I said it," I whispered.
She looked at me briefly and then returned her attention to the road. "I see you are still as modest as ever, and don't know how to take a compliment."
There was a soft smile on her face when she said the words.
I didn't have a response to that.
We reverted back to silence but this time without the tension.
We drove for about forty five minutes before we got to where Iseul lives.
Her apartment is one of those modern expensive apartments in Seoul. We took the lift to the fourth floor. She opened the door to apartment 4B using a code.
"Is my birthday, in case you want to get in and I am not around," she said as we walked in.
Iseul was born October 1991. She is few months older than me.
Inside her apartment was beautiful and neat. She went for a contemporary decor.
"I will show you around."
She started from the living room which had milk coloured sofas arranged in L shape and a glassy centre table. She had few art works up on her wall. Dining section was ahead near the living room. Kitchen to the left and then a short corridor leading off to the bedroom.
Three bedrooms. Hers which has its own toilet and bathroom and two guest rooms which is sharing bathroom but has got it's own toilet. She cleaned up one of the guest rooms for me.
She followed me inside the guest room.
"Drinks?"
I shook my head with a solemn expression. "I don't drink."
"Oh, I leave you to rest then," she walked away leaving me alone .