"It was enchanting to meet you, all I can say is I was enchanted to meet you." -Taylor Swift.
"It hurt's to say but it's over." She whispered in my ear.
It's been more than a year and those words are still in my head just like she told me them yesterday.
"I know it hurts me too".
I can never forget those words, that voice, that eye, that face and that place. I feel like everyone in their life has only-if situation in their life. That is what makes the life worth living. The more you hate something, the more reason you get to keep loving. She was a blessing to my life but I didn't want to be blessed. I was a fool and I am a fool right now but it's not that I am living my life with regret's. I am just happy that those things happened in my life but I don't seem to be able to forget it. Living is hard but not being able to find the reason to live is harder. She was what I would called a absolute beauty. We met as a stranger's and we separated as stranger's. Sometime's I wonder what life is and I get this pleasing and soothing voice in my head that says, "It is what it is." It always calms me down.
If I try and remember, I met her first when I was having a coffee. I used to study there. It was my college year. I was a year senior from her and they gave us break for coffee . I used to smoke too. I wasn't that of famous among my classmate's and the teachers . I was always alone and by myself. My college was in a big building. But my college was out of that noise zone. We were free to go to the rooftop have coffee. The view from there was amazing. Maybe because the view from there calms a person mind so they took that place and created the office there.
She was there. Shining like a star. I don't ever want to remember her. Another girl I met. She was a fairy. It was a fairy tale to be correct.
After we broke up, I graduated. She was still a year junior than me. We didn't even talk once. After I graduated. I went to work on various place's but the office that I worked on. It was the place I met her. The day that I met her, that day I took the day off early. I went to a café. I never ever in my life felt the way I did at that time. I was happy. I really was.
"Sir, What would you like to order?" A waitress approached me.
"Yeah, I would like a Black Coffee and don't forget to make it strong." I replied her.
"Any more or anything that you would like with your coffee?"
"No, it's fine but can you just make it quick please?"
"yes sir, I would be back to you soon." She went away from me.
I took a ciggrattee out from the pack that I had in my bag. I light it up. At that time, I told to myself, It is a good place. Looking back on my days in the past. She was the most beautiful mistake I ever made in my life. If we met by accident, I want that accident to happen again. Even if I won't survive this time. It was a rainy day. It started to rain. There was a pond like area, in-front of the café. It suddenly started to rain heavily.
"Oh no!!. I don't have a umbrella."
So many people came to near that place to shade from the rain. I also saw a girl coming inside the café with her dog. I saw her from far. I can know a person even if see them from far. Even if I see a person only for a moment. I would recognize them. It was she. Why? Why is she here. Does she know about me? I was so nervous and confused but I showed no emotion and I continued smoking. The waiter suddenly approached her and said.
"How are you doing today mam?"
She was still beautiful. She still is. I fell in love when I first saw you and I still fall for you. You really are the most beautiful person I've seen in my life after my mom.
"Yeah, fine and I need the regular. Please do it fast I'm in a hurry."
By saying that much she went to a table parallel to mine and sat there. I could still see her. Suddenly a handsome looking man came and sat in-front of her. This is the worst feeling in the world. When you love someone so much and still you can do nothing but love and watch from a side. They were talking, like it was some serious matter. I couldn't hear them but I could see from their body language. She had a little PUG as her pet in her hand. We both were drinking our coffee. I was watching her but I also made sure that she doesn't see me, watching her. She said something and smiled and headed out of the café. She hadn't finished her coffee and she looked angry. So I thought they broke up. If they were lovers. They broke-up for sure. I called my waiter with a hand signal.
"Yes Sir?" The server approached me.
"I want to ask you a few things, if it is okay?" I made sure if I could talk with him.
"yeah, of course sir." He agreed.
"The lady that just went out, is she a regular here?"
"Oh. She?" He smiled . "She is the owner of the place."
"What?"
"She was discussing with the manager about the business because it isn't going well."
"Yeah. Thanks! And I want my bill please."
The server brought my bill. I didn't look at my bill and handed him the 50$ bill and I said keep the change and I walked away. It was a fancy café. I would like to come here again but next time when I come here. I would wait. I would wait for her. Every time I see this place, it would remind me of her. It was still raining. I looked at the sideways there was place to sit. I took my ciggratte out and light it up. There she was. She was waiting for rain to stop. I also didn't had a umbrella. So I went to the place where she was sitting. She was listening to song on her airpod. I went near her and to avoid my bad impression I threw the ciggrattee.
"Hey." I said softly.
"She took her pods out and said, "Sorry?" In a way that indicated that she didn't listen what I just I said to her.
"Oh, I just said hey."
"Do I know you?"She replied.
"No. No. I just wanted to know you."
She smiled and said, "My name's Cristine."
"I held my hand out and said, "I am Sirius."
"Sirius? Like the star?"
"Yeah like the star."
"My real name is Celaeno." She said softly.
"Sorry?"
"Take a sit." She pulled a chair.
I sat there as it was still raining.
"Do you want a coffee?" She asked me.
"No I just had one."
"Come on I just had one too."
I didn't want to create a bad impression. So I said "Okay."
She ordered two Cappuccino and she continued the conversation.
"Do you smoke?" She asked me.
Why is she asking me? Maybe I was smelling like a ciggrattee. I really was nervous. I really was afraid that she might dislike me but I still said,
"Yeah. Sometime."
"Bring a ciggrattee too." She told the waiter
"No it's fine." I told her.
She ignored it like she didn't listen to what I just said.
"So, Where are you from?" She asked me.
"Me? I- I amn't from around this area. I just work around here."
"Do you work in that whatever office? It writes article doesn't it."
"Yeah. How did you know?"
"Because of your dress, dummy."
"Oh yeah."
"I like the boys that smoke." She said to me in a low voice.
"Well maybe you like the boys that have tattoo's too." I showed her tattoo by uncovering the shirt. I had written my name there, so I was curious to show it to her.
"OMG!! Yess." She sounded happy.
"I want to get a tattoo too." She said again.
"Well then get one. It doesn't hurt much. It doesn't cost much either."
"I hope too. One day, I will do everything that I want to. That day will be the happiest day in my life." She sounded sad.
"Why don't you do it now?" I asked her.
She tried to ignore it again and handed me the ciggrattee.
I light it up. She was staring me as I smoked. "How does it feels to smoke?" She asked me.
"I can't explain it. You can't understand it. You can just feel it."
Haha. She laughed. That's a good answer. She replied.
That was a very beautiful day. I really was happy. But above all of them rised a question in my mind. Why do I still want to be with her? Why do I feel empty without her. All my life, I talk with a lady today and I don't even want to face them tomorrow. I still was a virgin because of that reason. I always liked to be friend with the emptiness with my heart. Maybe it was the reason that I was alone most of the time and maybe it was the reason for me not having any friend. I thought, only-if I met her soon. I could have been happy my whole life. I would never ever leave her.
"If I got her once, she would forever be mine I would never ever let go of her." I said to myself.
Still there is a fear in my head. The voices in my head. They say I amn't enough. She deserves more. She needs a healthy and happy life unlike me. She deserves to be queen. You aren't of her worth.
But, my heart was saying, "She is the only one. There isn't any other women in the world that can replace her. It's either she or no-one in my life."
I was fighting with myself inside of me. I wanted to be in peace. I wanted to be happy, I want to be her's and foever and ever. I would die away, even if I make her cry even if it is only once in my life. I really would. I would give up everything to stay with her and appreciate her beauty daily. I really would.
There was a quiet silence between us. The rain, the coffee, the ciggratte, she and the pink Floyd (Wish you were here) was an absolute masterpiece I could have at that moment.
"Isn't it late for you to go back to work?" She asked me.
"No. I took the day off early."
"Oh! Would you like to go somewhere, then?" She asked me.
"I don't have much time. I still live with my parents so I have to return quick but I guess I have a little bit of time to spare." I smiled as I looked at my watch and as I watched her.
"Perfect."
"It's still raining. How do we go, though?"
"I have a car. I will call the driver to come pick us."
"You have a car?" I asked surprisingly.
She smiled and said nothing.
There arrived a black car and guy wearing the perfect clean dress came up to us and said, "The car is here mam."
"Can you drive?" She asked me.
"No. I haven't got my driving license yet."
"Then let me drive."
"You can drive?"
We went in the car. She drove. She seemed happy. Like it was the first time she got someone to talk about to. I was happy too, not because I got someone to talk too. It was because I found someone who is happy to talk to me like I exist. We would stay silent the most of the time but I still felt that we were communicating with each other.
"Why did you said your name Cristine the first time I asked you and Celaeno again." I asked her while she was driving.
"Oh that's my full name Cristine Celaeno."
"What's your full name?" She asked me.
"It's Sirius Dixon."
"What do you do for living?" I again asked her.
"I do nothing. I have a dream though."
"What dream?" I asked her.
"Well it's a secret." She told me as she smiled.
"How do you own a car and live luxury life when you do nothing?"
She just smiled and said nothing. I guess I shouldn't have asked.
"You are the first person to ask me that." She replied.
"What? I don't get it." I replied.
"From all the person I met, you are the first person to ask me that. Other people just cared about the money that I had."
"I am very confused right now but I guess I will get all my answer as time passes by." I replied her.
"Well you definitely will." She replied with a smile on her face.
"We arrived." She said.
We arrived at the amusement park. I have never been to a amusement park before. I always thought that place was for friends and family. My family didn't like to visit and I didn't had no friend that wanted to walk with me.
"Let's go." She said.
We were walking together to the entrance gate. She also brought her dog.
"You really like your dog?"
"Yeah he reminds me of my dad. He gifted him to me on my 16th birthday."
"Remind? Where is your dad now?" I asked her as we entered the park.
It was a really really noisy place and I didn't like noisy place. I saw kids running and screaming. I really didn't like that. I never been a person that liked to be in a public place like that.
"He died two years ago. One year after he gifted me this dog." She replied as she wanted to cry but she was holding back her tears.
I wanted to hug her when I saw her that way but I never hugged a girl. So, I caught up all my courage and caught her hand and said,
"Life is a mystery. You don't know what will happen until it happens. It is very short to regret what happened and only thing we can do is go past it and live to the fullest."
"Do you live your life to fullest? Do you like what you do?" She asked me as if she was confused.
Me? I never ever lived my life to fullest. From Primary School, my parents expected me to become the best. They didn't want me to visit places. They wanted me to work on myself. They wanted me to live as they wanted. They always demanded me the perfection from me. They always expected something from me. So, I never had time to make friends and enjoy the life. You can also call them the "Asian Parents". They were demanding about my results and my works.
"As per your silence I can know that you never lived your life as you wanted to." She replied to me in that awakard silence.
"Let's go to that Ferris Wheel." She pointed to the biggest Ferris Wheel I could see there.
I never been to a Ferris Wheel before. I didn't know what it was like to. People were screaming like they were about to be killed. I really don't know why people screamed over such stupid Wheel.
"AHHHHHHH!!!!" I screamed
She laughed and said, "I thought you were a calm person. You are afraid of heights."
"Oh. I smiled. I never screamed like that even once in my life." I told her.
She caught my hand in a way that calmed me. The view from the top was astonishing. I never ever seen something so beautiful than that. I looked all over the world and I looked back at her. She was more beautiful than the world. She is astonishing. I can't find anything beautiful. Her eyes, her lips. I kissed her. I thought that she was the world to me while we kissed. I cannot live without her.
"Well that was unexpected." She smiled and said.
"Life is beautiful only when unexpected things happen." I replied her.
She smiled. We lived. We were happy.
"Are you happy?" I asked her.
"Yes but I am afraid this is just a moment and this happiness will fade away when we wake up."
"No. I don't think it's true. The moment like this never happened in my life but I can for sure that the moment like this will keep you happy. The moment like this will define your book. The time you wait for moment like this will make it worth living." I replied.
We got off the wheel.
"Let's go to that coaster now."
The people were screaming more than the wheel there. I was now very nervous. She hold my hand very tightly as she was nervous too.
"Are you afraid?" I asked her.
"I just have been on this once with my dad. I really am afraid with those memories."
I stayed quiet and we got on the first seat. It started real slow. It was climbing the big height infront of us.
She was still holding my hand tightly. At the exact moment I thought and asked her, "Where is the dog?"
She said, "Huh" and she started screaming.
I could hear her screaming. I wasn't scared though. I was just smiling. As the coaster's speed increased my heart beat increased too but she was catching my hand too tightly. So I was in reality and I didn't had gut to scream infront of her. She screamed though. I liked the way she screamed. I thought she looked more beautiful when screaming. At the same moment I thought, If I ever made this girl cry. You can take my life away, God. She is the only girl for me and she always will be. There is no replacement for her. I would be there as long as she wants me to. If she doesn't want me around I would get her away and love her from faraway. So, faraway she won't even realize that someone is dying for her love daily.
"Pet's aren't allowed in the coaster so the guard is taking care of him for us." She replied as the coaster slowed down.
"Did you enjoy the ride?" She asked me again.
"I enjoyed the moment. I enjoyed being with you." I replied her.
We got off the coaster.
"Are you late?" She asked me as she was carrying her dog.
"I am but I think this time will return tomorrow but not this moment." I smiled and replied to her.
"Let's have a Ice-Cream." She again said.
I was the man there but she was spending the money. She was catching my hand and pulling me. I was letting myself go towards her. Was this my fate to meet her? Did God send her to save me? Are we meant to be? I told myself, I would wake up tomorrow and still have you by my side. That will keep me going day by day. It will motivate me to work hard and go on and on without losing hope. You are the music to my life. You are voice to my life. If I am a car, you are my fuel. I can work without you but I am worthless without you. This day mightnot return but the memories of this day will for sure. You are that piece of puzzle that I missed in my life to complete it. Now I want nothing but you.
"Which ice-cream do you want?"
"The same as you, sweet." I replied her.
She ordered the strawberry and we went to sit on the empty table.
"Don't you want to smoke?" She asked me.
"Yeah but I amn't addicted to it. I just smoke when I don't want to work and live a moment of my life." I replied her.
"I want you to smoke while you are with me. So that you will think of me whenever you are going to smoke and I amn't by your side."
"Do you smoke weed too?" she asked me
"No I don't right now but I have some experience of it."
"Don't lie to me, okay. Have you ever done drugs in your life?" She asked me quietly.
"No. Have you?" I also wishpered to her.
"No but they say when you do drugs with person you love. You will love them the most." She wishpered again
"I don't need no drugs to love you. I love you. I will love you. If there is only one person that loves you in this whole world, then its me. If there is no-one that loves you then I am dead." I wishpered back to her and smiled.
She stared at me. We stared at each other. I took the ciggrattee out while staring at her and I light it up.
"If God came right now and granted you a wish. What would you wish for?" She asked me
"Hmmm.. Only One and anything?"
"Yeah anything but only one wish."
I took a long sip in of the ciggrattee and released the long smoke and said, "Well, I would wish for unlimited wealth in my life."
"Won't you wish for me?" She seemed surprised.
"No, I will wish for a lot of money that will never end. So I won't have to ever work again and I can spend both money and the time I have left in my life with you, forever."
She smiled.
"What will you wish for?" I asked her.
"I would like to wish that the person infront of me gets his wish fulfilled."
It felt like my life was complete in the age of 18 in life.
"What's your age though?" I gathered up the courage and asked her.
"I became 19 in this August 9." She said. "What about you?"
"I am 18 right now." I headed down as I was shy that she was elder than me.
"Hahahaha." She laughed and said, "I fell in love with someone younger than me. Yet so mature than me."
I smiled in a nervous way.
"I would like to have every fun there is in this world with you." She said.
What am I going to do with you? I asked myself as I smoked. These words aren't enough to express my love. This face cannot show how much I love you. Eventhough we just met. It feels like I have been with you forever. It feels like that you are the side of me I was afraid to be and I am that side of you that you want to live. I think I don't deserve you and yet at the same time I cannot leave you.
"Let's go." She said.
"Yeah. Let's go."
I feel like for loving you need to learn to hate. I never hated anything in my life but will I hate something if I keep on loving? I am ready to do anything to be with you forever. Are you willing to do the same for me?
We reached in her car and we sat inside.
At that moment she said, "I want you to promise."
Even without hearing what she had to say, I said, "I promise."
"No. I want you to promise me that you will never ever let go of me. Even if I amn't around you anymore, promise me that you will never ever let go of our memories."
"I promise. I will never ever forget you. I will never leave your side if you want me. I will never ever let go of our memories. I promise. I will keep this promise for years and until I go to grave. I will remember you until my last breath. If I had my last breathe, I would say your name for the last time." I never knew I felt that way. I never knew my feelings because tears dropped as I spoke. It was tears of emptiness that I felt until I met her. It was the tear of joy that I got to be with her. It was tear of goodbye to the old me. It was tear of a depressed person. It was tear of emotion that I had inside me until I found her.
It was tear of all the human emotion with her by my side.
It was most happy and most sad time of my life at the same time. I guess this is what love is. It would make you feel like this.