There was a time, not too long ago where a lone man by the name of Jenkins held quite the severe stomach ache. There was nothing but a faint gurgle to be heard, in the uneventful air of Jenkins' residence.
The pain was so severe in fact, that he chose to venture out, towards the hospital to get the pain checked out.
As he pulled up to the clinic and hopped out of his brand-new white 2005 Toyota Camry, he painfully limped towards the entrance, and to the front desk. Jenkins would fill out a form, containing his reasoning for being there, and would be led to a room, where he would wait.
A nurse came into the room.
"My tummy hurtin'." Jenkins said pitifully.
"Oh no, that's not good is it." The nurse responded.
"Yes, please help. It is on fire, literal flambé rn." Jenkins revealed.
The nurse would then ask, "Have you tried turning it off and back on again?"
"I've powered it off about 5 times, nothing seems to be doing the trick!"Jenkins mustered.
The nurse would lead Jenkins out of the room, and set Jenkins up onto a table, the nurse proceeds to set up an MRI, where she would have Jenkins examined. When it was over, Jenkins would say, "That shit hurted."
"The doctor will be with you shortly." The nurse quietly said.
"Okay, make haste. We have no time to lose, it is literal do or die time rn."
An old weary doctor walks into the room, at the same time that Jenkins was slowly rising up from the MRI. The doctor had a medical card attached to his coat that said he has PTSD.
"Why must he have post traumatic stress disorder!?" Jenkins exhaustedly howled.
"Are you Jenkins?" The doctor hoarsely asked.
"Yes I am, Mr.?"
"You can call me Mr. Syr-"
"GAH DAM!" Jenkins interrupted, "It's getting worse! Help a brotha out rn?"
The doctor sighed, "It's Dr. Syrgn, anyways."
"Tf kind of name is Syrgn!?" Jenkins gasped.
"Idk what my parents were smoking, anyways." The doctor said, which Jenkins replies, "Yes let's get back to it."
"I've examined your tests Mr. Jenkins."
"Okay, what do they read?"
"It came back pretty conclusive that there is a mass blockage, the size of an RC car in your colon."
"Say it ain't so!!!"
"Mister, I just have to ask you, why the fuck did you shove an RC car up your ass?"
"I was experimenting!" He sobbed.
"In my entire 27 years of being a doctor, I've never seen anything of this sort." The doctor said, baffled.
"I thought my colon was a raceway…"
"Welp, in any case, we will have to schedule an emergency surgery straight away. What is your blood type?"
Jenkins responded, "My blood type is O negative. "
The doctor sat quietly, for a few mere seconds, then whispered, "Oh fuck."
"What's the problem doc!?" Jenkins yelped.
"Nurse, do we have any reserves of O negative… Shit."
Jenkins sat as his anxiety grew larger, "Oh brother."
The doctor finally mustered, "Young man, this is going to be risky."
"What is it!?"
"We only have 2 pints to spare."
"LAWD!"
"Do not worry! We can do this."
"Just shove 'em up already!? Up my ass and around the corner should be a port to insert blood."
"ADMINISTERING ANESTHESIA!" The doctor yelled.
Jenkins is then brutally beaten, to hasten the process of the anesthesia. As he successfully passes the fuck out. Then, 31 hours pass.
"Good morning, young man." The doctor relayed peacefully.
"Hmm? What happened?" Jenkins said softly, "My anal glands are a teensy bit sore."
"The surgery was… a massive success!"
"Hip hip hooray!!!"
"Yup! You'll be back on your feet in no time!"
"Thank you so much doc! I don't know how I could ever repay you!"
"We will prepare your discharge documents while you watch the Oprah Winfrey show on this old ass TV I just found in the closet."
"Sounds good!" Jenkins said, jovially.
It turned out, it was not the Oprah Winfrey show, but actually Animal Planet.
"What a bunch of lying, conniving sluts! They know how much I love Oprah!"
The doctor and the nurse come into the room, "Okay Mister Jenkins! We have your discharge documents right here." The nurse says.
"Alrighty! Lemme see 'em!"
"Hold on a second, who was your insurance provider again?"
"Oh... I don't have one."
The doctor then turned to the nurse, and walked into the corner of the room, where they began to quietly discuss something. Despite the conversation they had was taking only a few seconds, Jenkins was generating anxiety from it, as he scratched his ass cheek.
The doctor returns, and says, "Ok, um, Mr. Jenkins, I will be right back. I have to fetch your billing statement."
"Uhm, alrighty. Take your time doc."
The doctor exits the room, as the nurse stays. Jenkins turns to the nurse, "Was there an issue? He seemed awfully troubled."
"Well, we were going to ask if you had your insurance info card on your personal effects so we could reach them directly with no action on your part."
"ICEE."
The doctor returned after a minute, with a folder in hand, containing Jenkins' billing statements.
"Alrighty doc, flip 'er open." Jenkins said, anxiously.
The doctor pulls the file out of the folder, and handed it to Jenkins. Reading $2,001,657.
Jenkins looked at it for a solid hour and a half, then calmly says, "HOLY MOLY GUACA-FUCKING-MOLE!?!?!?"
"Oh gosh, I understand this bill must be very stressful for you." Said the doctor wearily.
"How could anal object removal be so damn expensive!?"
"Sir, I had to cut open your large intestine and remove a Lightning McQueen RC car."
"This is outrageous! Absolute tyranny!"
"Please calm down Mr. Jenkins, there is more."
Jenkins calms down, to say, "Yes? What is it now?"
"Do you by any chance have a credit card that you could possibly put this bill on?"
Jenkins sighs, then says, "I suppose." As he hands over his Platinum American Express credit card to the doctor.
The doctor takes the credit card from Jenkins, and swipes it into a countertop terminal, to complete the payment. Jenkins' credit card immediately declined the transaction, and promptly disintegrated into dust.
"I am legit about to shit a lil bit. How can this darned day get any worse!?"
As Jenkins furiously thrashed around the patient room, the doctor headed over to where he left the Lightning McQueen collectible RC car, and picked it up.
"Huh? What are you going to do with that!?"
"You're boutta get this back to where it was."
The nurse exclaims, "Doctor! No!"
Jenkins, in shock, did not know what to do. He says, "What in tarnation!? BROTHA PLEEEEEEE!"
The nurse backs Jenkins up, "Run Jenkins! Run!"
Jenkins then proceeds to run for his life. The nurse happened to tag along.
As the two ran from the lunatic doctor, they passed the elevator and chose to run down the stairs. Jenkins skillfully weaved past obstacles, though he inevitably tripped over a lost infant.
The nurse picks up Jenkins and threw him down the stairs, in effort to increase distance from the doctor.
"Come on Jenkins! We can make it to my car!"
Jenkins is fucking paralyzed.
"I CAN'T WALK!"
The nurse proceeds to punch Jenkins in his spine. "I turned it off and back on again!"
"Holy shit I'm healed!?"
"You should be ok!"
"Alrighty, let's go! To the car! MY HOLE SHAN'T BE PROBED TODAY!"
"This is the last flight of stairs! We can make it! Come on! Dr. Syrgn is right behind us!"
"We quite literally have 0 seconds to lose! Get to steppin'! Put some fucking pep in your step!?"
Unfortunately, the nurse trips down the last flight, breaking her collarbone and collapsing her lungs. "Nooooo!"
"Bruhhhhhhhhhh."
The nurse tosses her keys to her Mercedes-Benz, and with dying breaths, she says, "Save yourself!"
"I had absolutely no intention of saving you! Farewell!"
Jenkins hastily ran to the car, got in, and turned it on. With the doctor closely following behind him.
As Jenkins saw the Doctor gaining distance, he says, "Holy shitty titty! This'll be a close one!"
"THAT ASS IS MINE!"
Jenkins, swiftly reverses out of the parking spot, and pulls up into an intersection, then shouts, "PLEASE!"
Out of nowhere, an incoming bus instantly wipes out the front of the bus, however, Jenkins was unharmed. Jenkins then resumed his run towards the street. Until another bus came his way, which caused Jenkins to run the opposite direction, back into the hospital.
"GET AWAY FROM YOU FREAK!"
The nurses almost lifeless body twitches as Jenkins ran past her.
"Holy shit! I forgot you were here!"
Jenkins then picked her up, and threw her against the doctor, in attempt to buy him some time.
Although, the doctor then picked up the nurse, slams her head against the bottom stair, and shot her approximately 849 times in the head. And then resumed to chase Jenkins.
Unfortunately for Jenkins, he did not know the layout of the hospital, and ran into a dead end.
The doctor slowly approached Jenkins into the dead end, McQueen in hand.
"NO! NO PLEASE! WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT! I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT!"
Jenkins closed his eyes, and waited for the sharp pain of anal probing, though, instead he heard 2 gunshots.
"Huh?"
The doctor dropped dead.
"What is happening!?"
The nurse appears, walking towards Jenkins.
"Holy balls! How are you alive!? I though you ceased beyond deceased!"
"That mfer can't aim, he missed all his shots on me."
"Oh damn, how is your collarbone and organs okay though?"
"A bit of walking it off never hurt nobody."
"Well butter my biscuits and call me Sally Dinkle."
"Wait a minute... DID YOU CRASH MY BENZY!?"
"UH. Technically, a bus rammed into it???"
"I DON'T HAVE INSURANCE."
"FUCK."
The nurse picks up the RC car.
"NO! NO!!!"
"C'MERE BITCH."
In the very end, the nurse was able to finally catch up to poor little ol' Jenkins, who had his asshole stretched open beyond belief, and viciously probed. The Lightning McQueen collectable RC car was shoved deep and very far into Jenkins' rectum, which would never see the light of day, ever again.
The End.