Throughout the lesson, the teacher avoided asking me questions or referring to me. It was normal in fact, but at one point I admit, when there were questions he was asking and no one seemed able or wanting to answer, I found myself wanting to raise my hand to do so before remembering that it would be useless.
I felt really good in this class compared to my old one where the classes were such an oppressive prison, I couldn't open my mouth. It was barely if I made a sound of breathing so to be noticed in class was never out of life. The girls behind me were definitely going to throw a book at my head and the teacher was going to act like he didn't see anything; so I tried not to be noticed.
But here everything is so different, I feel really comfortable and even if there is a bit of marginalization it doesn't hurt me because it's quite normal. I'm not a normal student – even if I would have liked to be. It is my desperate need to be included in the group that probably gives me this feeling of rejection.
The lesson ends and I sigh with relief. It was great and we can see that this man loves what he does, he puts such passion into it that it pushes his students to want to participate which makes the course really interactive, the exchanges being entertaining. When have I felt so happy to take lessons in class?
I smiled, it was really good.
The teacher comes out and soon the students start to get up. My sense of ease disappears now dreading what is to come. Will the students come to me? How? Will they be condescending? Or will they want to intimidate me? All of these thoughts keep me from lifting my face clutching my skirt so tightly that my knuckles turn red. I don't know when I closed my eyes but I can hear footsteps and people talking and exclaiming loudly. Are they talking about me? Am I too on edge? I'm probably getting way too many ideas. I have to start by calming down and thinking calmly.
I raised my face before putting it on my nearest neighbor. With the great attention I paid to literature class, I no longer really paid attention to what he was doing. I look at him and he puts the music on loud enough for me to hear very clearly. He listens to a rather particular melody. It's not a popular song, not that I've ever been interested in it but I can say that there are no lyrics to this song... it sounds like a composition, maybe the instrumental version of a song I don't know – but it's very nice to listen to anyway. He has his nose buried in his smartphone and seems to ignore everything about his surroundings – or so I think because he must have realized that I have been staring at him for quite a while and he turns to me.
Caught in the act I almost break my neck as I turn to escape his gaze, my face red from being caught in the act; I who gave him disapproving looks when he stared at me in class I find myself doing the same… shame.
I have a panicked look as I tremble at what he is going to say to me. My former comrades did not like me looking at them like that. Maybe he is going to say hurtful things to me.
My heart starts beating abnormally fast again and I feel cold sweats covering my body, that's it the lynching is about to begin, I close my eyes waiting for the wrong moment when after I don't know how much time has passed nothing happens .
One eye, then a second and I have both eyes open, nothing happened, no words said.
I turn in surprise and find him with his hand on his cheek looking at me with an amused smile, I roll my eyes. What is this unexpected reaction?
We are interrupted by two boys who come towards Michaël and the face of the latter changes to become bored again. At this moment I too prefer to look at my office. I take a book and open it to read it, especially since one of the newly arrived boys gave me a rather curious look. He seemed intrigued by the fact that Michael and I seemed to have an exchange.
I concentrate on my reading but the boys are talking so loudly that I can't ignore their conversation.
"Hey Michaël, did you have a shoot this morning? »
"It must be cool life as a model haha you come to school when you want and since it's your father who gives the most grants in high school no teacher pisses you off your life must be cool"
Yes, it's rude on my part, but I listen and I make up my own mind, so Michaël is a model, it's true that he's very handsome, but he's still in high school and he already has a job. It must be nice to be able to use your person to earn money, I would also like to have a job.
Nose in my book I allow myself to take a look at the three next to me for once I'm not the center of attention I'm going to take advantage of the fact that others are to have fun listening also – it will be the very first time and it almost makes me chuckle.
I can see the two boys standing while Michael – he's not looking at them and staring at me like they don't exist, he really seems to be denying their existence to focus on me. How long has he been doing this? His friends tell him he should be more courteous. What is his problem with this guy?
I return my attention to my book when a girl, a very pretty auburn girl arrives followed by three others who seem to serve her as an argument. She has an arrogant smile and seductive eyes as she walks towards Michael's desk, the two boys from earlier shifting to let her pass – she must be the queen bee of this class.
I have a very bad experience with girls like her so I prefer to go back to my reading and erase my presence as much as possible.
"Micha, how are you? »
She speaks with whispers on her tongue as she holds a magazine where I can see a close-up photo of Michaël on the cover – he is really very handsome.
"Your last shoot is out look how beautiful and sexy you are I never get tired of looking at all your photos in this magazine you are so perfect"
She says it dreamily and her followers nod with a sigh like desperate fan girls.
It's funny to see anyway, but I don't think someone finds the situation funny - and that someone is Michaël.
He suddenly gets up and walks out of the classroom with a cold face as the auburn goddess has a hurt expression on her face – she must really love this boy, well I guess I don't know much about love me .
Michaël is gone, she turns to me and smiles at me, which surprises me.
"Hello Emma I'm Charlotte, nice to meet you"
She then turns and walks off to her desk while I just stand there dazed – the prettiest girl in class has spoken to me without insults and says she is delighted to meet me. How happy I am, everything is going really well.