Why will I love someone whom I hardly know?
Why will I say Yes to someone who I have no idea of his identity?
Why do I feel unhappy and uneasy?
Was it infatuation that magneted him towards me?
These were the questions that kept running through my mind as I rolled uneasily on the bed.
My room was cold despite the fact that the windows were tightly shut but I was not feeling cold at all. My mind, lost in deep thoughts that even the mild movement of the curtain and the eerie sounds of crickets couldn't get my attention.
I sat up, smiling bitterly when I realized I was lonely and soon enough, I began to yearn for the companion of my old friends - my mom and university buddies.
Will I still see them again?
I ran my eyes through the large spacious bedroom, my brain registering the full force of loneliness in my heart. My eyes kept moving around the large bedroom and only then did I realize that I was missing something.
What could that be?
Memories?
The large room seemed not to be helping as the rising pang of emptiness welled up in my belly. What I saw, everywhere, was luxury and a life of pleasure, which I so much desired but deep down, I felt I needed something, maybe someone.
"Who could that be?" I asked myself again, this time standing up from the large bed and heading towards the direction of the magnificent windows.
With trembling hands holding the rail of one the windows, I ran my slender fingers on the opening and in full force, mustering all the strength within me, I gave out a loud pull.
Cold breeze in multiple numbers washed through my skin. The hairs on my skin stood erect - I could feel the cold now.
I stood still for a while silently watching the blanket of darkness as it covered the earth and the still stars as it twinkled in the darkness. The moon stood at one end of the earth, shining brightly and radiating with unequal glory. Her milk -like rays gave the night an usual beauty.
"If only she knows how I feel at the moment." I whispered, staring at the goddess of luminescence once more.
My thoughts were reflected plainly on the sky. The more I stared at the moon, the more my resolve to trash it out with Richard became stronger. The calm serenity of the night coupled with the peaceful breeze which continuously caressed my skin, built a more bitter determination to leave Richard.
When Richard returns from Sweden - I'll definitely take my leave at all cost." I said to myself
"Take your leave at all cost? What about the positive response you gave to him to be his girlfriend? Will you also decline that also?" A tiny voice in my head quipped
"But why will I say 'Yes' to someone whom I don't know? I agreed to be his girlfriend, Yes. I didn't even ask for the duration of our relationship. He didn't even bother to ask me about it. Maybe, he just said that out of pity and compassion." I said.
I didn't want a pity-party relationship. It's always a NO for me.
Silence reigned in my head for a while before my thoughts came back in full force combating with my reasoning.
"But you needed money, don't you? Your ex boyfriend drained us of all cash left with us and now you're trying to decline a very big favor. Remember, opportunity comes but once." The voice in my head said again, this time releasing the words more cruelly and harshly than ever.
I stared at the sky again, studying the thick dark blanket. I noticed the two little stars glittering some miles apart from each other.
Unconsciously, I spread my arms in the air in a bid to catch them but the distance seemed too far away from my grip. A tear dropped out of my eyes as I tried even harder, straining my arms to reach out to the stars.
"This is how we are, Richard. Too far away to get to each other." I said.
I traced my fingers to the first star tracing it together to meet the second star. "You were that perfect human who accidentally hopped into my life. Can I ever do without you?"
"The voices in my head are voting for you. The voices in my heart all need you in my life. You render me powerless whenever I think about you, but love isn't on my agenda Richard. No, I don't trust men again."
Tears filled my eyes and in a second, they started crashing down my cheeks. My heart was torn into two, obviously in a dilemma.
The sky seemed to be holding all the answers to my questions, while the stars glittered more evenly, leaving me behind with reactions blinded with awe and sorrow.
"You've taken all the space in my heart! You've occupied all the space left with your warmth! But what about my life, Richard? What about my mom, too? What about my former life?" I asked rhetorically.
By now, I was already sniffling in between my words. My nose was stuffed up with catarrh and my throat, dry. I knew if I continued to stare at the sky, asking too many questions and probing the sky for answers, I might spill out hurtful emotions which might seem hard to die.
With shaky fingers, I shut the large windows hurrying towards the edge of my bed.
"It is too early to start thinking. I'm too young for anxiety. Let love lead me anywhere, but please lead me to the right..."
As I was about to settle my tears drenched face on my palm, my eyes caught a glimpse of my phone laying away from me. I picked up the phone, pressing the side buttons and unlocked it. My fingers moved to my contact's list, hastily searching through the piled contacts for one particular number.
I memorized the digits and without wasting a second, I opened my messaging app, inserted the numerical digits and an icon appeared.
I clicked on the icon which led to a separate tab. My slender fingers swiped the tab and I saw myself typing some letters. Staring at my phone screen contemplating on the words which I typed, I released my grip on the green flight icon and a notification surfaced,
"Message sent."
My heart filled with warmth and a weak smile appeared on my face. I released a deep sigh, a partial sense of satisfaction while I agitatedly stared at my phone screen, desperately waiting for the receiver .
"Forty five minutes? " I murmured, staring at my phone screen while swiping endlessly.
"Still no response! Oh no! And you said you love me..!" I shouted angrily.
I went into another round of crying, sometimes, checking my phone at intervals,still no response.
My eyes became blurry from the cry. My head seemed to be spinning and I felt tired of crying again.
Anger. Worry. Loneliness. Deprivation and the feeling of betrayal filled my being.
I grabbed my phone; this time continually sending tons and mountains of messages.
After waiting for about ten minutes and still haven't gotten a reply, I angrily threw my pillows, scattering the bed and soiling the bed spread with buckets of tears.
"I hate you Richard!" I screamed loudly
________________________
A knock disconcerted me.
"Who is there?" I asked weakly.
Silence followed before a familiar voice responded,
"MA, It is Julie."
I tiredly got up from bed, dragging my legs as I headed towards the door to open it.
"What? What happened ma'am! Are you okay?" Julie shouted surprisedly when she saw me.
I stared at the surprised Julie who seemed to be dressed in her normal outfit and all I could reply was,
"I'm fine Julie." Even when I know that I wasn't looking fine at all.
Julie's big eyes popped up when she saw my right arm brutally disorganized by my teeth prints. Her hands traced the bite, tenderly inspecting each bite with her slender fingers.
She gasped, "What happened to you ma'am? You bit yourself?" asked Julie, her hands on her wide opened mouth when it dawned on her that I bit myself.
"I said I'm okay, Julie." I responded weakly, trying to remove my hands from her firm grip.
"No! I don't think you're okay, ma'am. You bit yourself and you still say you're okay? Your eyes are swollen and your face and arm are brutally in disorder. You still say you're okay? I'm calling a doctor right away but why did you do these things to your..."
"I'm fine. okay? " I snapped harshly, cutting her short.
My response started the young woman. She kept on staring at me as if she'd seen a killer ghost. Her grip tightened unevenly on my wrist as she spoke,
"Okay. No doctor. Come and grab your food ma'am."
Anger blazing with hot coals of impatience as I stared at the innocent and 'over caring' woman, standing before me.
"So annoying and challenging." I thought to myself
"I don't feel like eating anything." I stubbornly replied
Julie couldn't have enough of my replies as my attitude kept triggering her with so many reactions. Her 'ever happy' face was replaced with an aggravating look of surprise, worry, fear and wonder.
"You'll surely like this morning's dish. I assure you ma'am." She said convincingly, like a mother petting her toddler child.
Of course, I'm no toddler to Julie!
I narrowed my eyes as I turned to face Julie squarely,
"I said I don't feel like eating!" I fired back, yelling aggressively at Julie.
My angry outburst surprised the young woman as she gently pushed me aside in a bid to gain entrance into my room.
At this act, my toxic mode was activated 100% within me.
Without thinking if she'd get hurt or not, I pulled her out, banging the door tightly against her, applying so much pressure without humane consideration.
"Get out! Out!!!" I yelled with so much toxicity. I twisted the keys into the keyhole, shutting it tightly not withstanding if Julie was still at the door or not,
"Get out!" I cried as I slumped on the floor.