The desperate of life
Category: Fiction _ Mystery
This story revolves around a dialogue between the young Kawa and himself, a dialogue between him and herself about what the young man is experiencing in his life and his attempts to commit suicide...
One dark night, the rain is falling heavily, the thunder sounds are loud, the streets are devoid of any object, and how can it not be empty at this late time of the night in the most quiet city, it is the city of "Leonid land" isolated from the world, under the heavy rain and dense fog the gloomy 21-year-old boy appears, uttering incomprehensible words, walking quietly as if almost 11:28pm at night, she smiles a quick smile and it's past, this particular time is an essential part of herself, and then the scene moves to a dark room where young Kawa is sitting on the floor in front of a mirror, looking at himself for a few minutes without saying a word, and suddenly, the calm is broken by the word: why
And he himself answers, as he himself calls it: because this is not true..
Kawa: (in a quiet voice) it's not you who decide right from wrong, I can distinguish between them myself..
Himself: I am you, we are one person
Kawa: you are myself, so you will do what I want, you can't stop me from doing anything.
Himself:you can't kill me with you..
Kawa:that's none of your business.
Himself:Why do you want to die ?Why do you try to commit suicide again and again, even though you fail every time.
Kawa: I don't deserve to live and I'm a bad person in everyone's eyes, I don't even know what's the point of being..
Himself: who told you all this, that God created every human being with his function in society...
Kawa: why does God not love me
Himself: God loves those who obey him ..
Kawa :but I was doing everything that pleases God, except that I lost everything..
Himself: this does not mean that you should die or try to commit suicide..
Kawa: but I'm an outcast, I lost all my family, they said that I'm a bad person, you know; it's been more than a year since my parents and brothers left me and I still want to return to them, but when I remember what they did to me, it makes me go crazy...
Himself: despite all this, you have to be patient ...
Kawa: I don't know what kind of people they are, what kind of hearts they have, my family broke me, my family hurt me a lot..
Himself:there is always something worse, you can't die for this reason..
Kawa : but my mother wanted me to die(with tears), when my big brother died, she screamed at me and said : I wish you were the one who died instead of him, at this moment, I felt that heavy rocks fell on my chest,, I couldn't believe that mom was saying this, I wanted to die, but later I realized that my existence and non-existence are the same for my mother, and when I left their house before my father ,
I can't forget that sentence that my father said (with great crying) it still echoes in my head..
Himself: prove to everyone that you deserved life..
Kawa: why should i lie to myself more, I'm a loser in everything and i even lost my studies, I'm bad, arrogant..
The same : you have to be stronger than this, and know that do not despair with life and do not live with despair..
Kawa: (screaming) You don't understand me..I can't complete my life...
Then he looks at the wall clock and finds that it is one and a half O'clock in the morning،،،،
Early in the morning, the young man wakes up to the sound of a strong knock on the door , gets up and then opens the door to find the old owner of the house asking for rent this month, and Kawa says to him: Can you look for a few days, and I promise I will give you money, and the old man responds to him shouting: You are a lying boy, you always say that
Kawa replies: Just Give me a week and I'll give you all your money
The old man leaves. He's angry...
Kawa picks up his coat and puts on his shoe's and goes out walking around the streets, looking right and north, and looking back at the ground, as if walking in humiliation, and in his mind many, many thoughts, he increases his walking speed even more
And the thoughts are getting more and more and more as if his brain is going to explode,, he reaches the place he wants, he reached the intasa River Bridge, which is the largest river in the world, he walks a little and then stands looking at the distant horizons of the river, he turns around to see if there is anyone to see, he found several people
He climbs on the railing of the bridge and walks on it calmly, with his hands in his pocket as if he doesn't care what will happen to him, and suddenly he hears a deep voice coming out from inside him, telling him :stop!!, this is not life, you haven't seen the beautiful colors of life yet, but you can change your way, just look at yourself deeply, think, and you will arrive ...
Kawa keeps walking over the bridge railing while some people find him and call for him to come down, thinking he hears them...What these people do not know is that this young fool who wants to get rid of his life hears nothing but the cries of himself, calling him a desperate fool...Voices from outside and voices from inside,,, and finally he raised his right foot and swayed to fall into the Deep River while the voices of himself did not stop....
He opens his eyes and finds himself in the hospital
When he comes out of the door , a doctor comes and tells him to stay in the hospital, but he does not respond to him despite the cries of many doctors, he comes out of the hospital and finds it raining, walks quickly to the highway, turns left and right and finds only a few cars, so he goes and sits in the middle of the road, waits and waits and no car hits him, and suddenly a speeding truck comes, so Kawa stays sitting in his place, and suddenly a man from passers-by comes to get him out of the way, and when Kawa looked at that guy, the shock was, he's his father!!!
The two stare at each other for a few minutes, and the father says, ' Why are you doing this, asshole?'
Kawa replies: It's none of your business, and then he gets up and goes home, passing through many dark streets...
And when he goes up to his apartment, he finds his bag in front of the door, and he tries to open the door, but he can't, he turns around and finds in front of him the old owner of the house says to him: I can't help you more than this, get out of here....
So Kawa goes without uttering any letter , walks through the streets heading for his fate, there are hardly any people on the street, and while he was walking he found a group of stray dogs attacking him, so he sat down in his place so that those dogs came to eat him, and suddenly ((within one second))he whispers to himself: is this the end? Do you want to be dog food? Don't you have dignity? Don't you know the soul ((Then the voices inside him grow louder)) and he keeps asking himself questions: don't you have a feeling? Don't you feel guilty? Are you a human being or a being without sense? Look at me, at yourself, Who Is Burning!! Look at yourself Who Wants To Live,, little by little those sounds fade away and the young Kawa faints from pain, the barking of dogs that want to eat him rises and fades....
He opens his eyes very slowly and groans,,,,At his eye level, at the top of the roof of a hut, he finds a small lighted Lantern, and he gets up and finds an old lady who offers him some water and she smiles, and Kawa asks her where I am, and an old man comes quietly and says: in my house, Kawa says: Why am I here and how long,, the old man replies to him:I found you passed out on the street and I saw your deep wounds, so I brought you to my house ...
Finish and pose old, and then stared at the door and come out, then the light of the bright sun that looks like she's in summer, enters this kid in a fight with himself while he walks to the way I don't know, struggle to accept life or surrender, the spirit contained within this screen you want life, while he wants to get rid of them, walking tired and the conflict that goes on between him and himself almost to blow up his head, the screams and insults from the same bitch, make him run away clutching his head like crazy in the middle of the street, running around and running to the outskirts of the city Must be a way long to try with the secret, decides the boy to rise from this pain facing him, walking a bit and then falling to the ground from his injuries, and to be seen with the tip of his eyes and suddenly remembered the days of his childhood, where he is the middle brother in the family, remember Kao the day that he was playing with his little sister( Ellen) That was five-years-old while he was at the age of nine, he was chasing his little sister in the Oasis corresponding to their house, and the laughter of his sister and she runs to the street, supported his eyes, then he remembers the blink of an eye, the blood going in the Street, Ferry and is crying her, then in cowes cry, and remember the clash of his parents and they say no he's a bad person and a careless, not only this, but he said not exactly( you're the reason for the death of your sister) Cry Kao much and his heart is burning, and then he remembers a lot of painful things that happened with him and his family, and his parents were always accuse that reason, even though he is innocent....
The young man's crying increases until he faints, and he finds himself falling into a black and deep hole...
All he sees is only darkness... only darkness... nothing else but this endless black color, he falls to the ground, he sees nothing but this black color, as if he is blind and does not see anything, and suddenly the place lights up as if it was not dark Never, Kawa could not see for a few seconds because of the strong and sudden brightness of the light, then he opened his eyes slowly, and he saw some people staring at him, silent, calm and gloomy people, then Kawa groaned because of the wounds on his body, those wounds caused by his falling into this strange place, Kawa tries Standing up despite the pain, he falls to the ground, then tries again and gets up with great difficulty.
He moves his head and finds behind him another group of people, including children, who are also very, very quiet, and in their sad features words that cannot be read. Finally, Kawa breaks the calm of the place and says: What is this place? where am I? Silence silence silence silence!!! So much so that you can hear the sound of blood rushing to your heart!!!!!! After a few seconds, he hears the sound of footsteps coming from the right side, he turns around in fear to see who is coming, then a man appears wearing a mask on his face, and says: You are in the city of "life death." Kawa shivered with signs of astonishment mixed with fear on his face, so he asked him: What do you mean by this?! That man did not answer him, Kawa turned right and left like a madman
His eyes fall on his little sister (Ellen), who died a long time ago!! Is this a coincidence? How could this happen? This is impossible!! It may be a girl who looks like her, but her features are etched in my memory. I'm sure it's Eleen, but she can't be here, she's dead! Or maybe I died too? !! Fearfully, he approached her step by step, to confirm Kawa's suspicions, calling her: Eleen, is that you?? The little little girl stays for a while and then says, "Yes, brother." This answer falls like a thunderbolt on Kawa's ears. This means that he is also dead, and how not when he is his sister who died in the same place......
Kawa holds his head and walks like a drunk, he can't balance, because he doesn't understand what's going on here!!! Finally, the man wearing the mask says to Kawa: Calm down, you are now in this place called (death life), but you did not understand what I meant, right??! Kawa replies: Yes, I did not understand the meaning, and my head is about to explode because of this...
The Man in the Mask: This place brings together the dead who want to come back to life, and the living who want to die.... And we have been waiting for you to complete the group of neighborhoods Kawa with signs of surprise on his face: Huh???!! The man in the mask: Yes, we all here know that you have tried to commit suicide many times, and we have been waiting for you until the last person comes so that we can start to solve what is happening..
And the man goes on to say: First these people who died and still had goals to accomplish, but they died suddenly with no end to their desire to live life, and look at that group on the other side, see what they look like, their souls are screaming but we don't hear them, because this is the inner spiritual agony, and you boy..oh..
Kawa: My name is Kawa The Man in the Mask: Oh, Kawa, you are one of the group of the living who want to die, but these living people believe that when a person dies, he will rest, but let me tell you that a person will suffer whether he dies or survives, unless he allows himself to fulfill the pleasures of his soul
But now that there are two contradictory groups of people, some are looking for life and some want to get rid of their lives... The man in the mask interrupts his speech and says: Ah Kawa.. Please join the biology group...
Kawa: okay ...
The man continues: this means that it is possible to form an equation between these two groups, for example, if we can exchange souls, then all the people in the group of the living will be dead, and all the people in the group of the Dead will come back to life....Do you think this is possible!?
One of the frowns in the biology group (replies): No, it's impossible
The man with the mask: hmm yes, but we can still solve another equation , which is that I will form groups consisting of two people, one from the group of the living and the second from the group of the dead..
We will have thirty groups, and this is because I will choose thirty people from the living, and another thirty from the dead.
In each of these thirty groups, the one who is alive in the group will live the life of the dead person for a whole week!!
And a dead person will live the life of a living person for a whole week too!!!
_kawa: but this is not an equation, I don't understand what the point of doing this is!!
The man with the mask: listen up, everyone !....For those who didn't understand why I would do something like this ...I'll tell you why...
These living people (and he points with his hand to the Living Group) think that if they die they will rest, they think that the dead are happy, and those dead people who want to come back to their lives think that they will live happily ever after, but life is temporary, so this test will be conducted so that everyone here knows what he wants, everyone will see the pain hidden in that left corner of the chest, because a person thinks that whoever smiled is happy, but this test will prove exactly the opposite.....
I'll give you six hours to think about what I said..... And then whoever wants to take the test is welcome, and whoever does not want to take the test, he will stay in this dark hole for a time that no one knows...
The man with the mask leaves and his trail disappears completely...
Kawa sits on the floor and holds his head, remembering what the man in the mask said, he doesn't even know how he came to this place and why !..
Suddenly.. With steady footsteps, a little girl from Kawa steps forward and puts her hand on his head..
Kawa feels a strange, indescribable chill..
He lifts his head up and finds his little sister, who died when he was a baby, Ellen, looking at him with a smile..
Kawa sighs and says, ' Ellen?'! Why are you here!!
Ellen replies: Because I want to come back to life
Kawa (sadly): I'm sorry, Ellen ! It was because of me, you died because of me! You were deprived of life because of me, I wish I could have given you my life, I would have given my life to you without hesitation ( and his eyes fill with tears)
Ellen: but I don't want to go back to life to live my life (with a smile)
Kawa: but why !!....
Ellen: I want to come back to life to tell Mom, Dad and our siblings that it's not you who caused my death (smile)... I was so careless that I caused you a lot of problems, your life became hell because of something you were never the cause of, God wanted to make my life short..
Kawa starts crying and his soul screams regret for something that didn't happen because of him
Ellen: brother! You have to save your life because ...Your life is my spring and your death means my drought.....Here's a handkerchief, brother
Kawa takes the handkerchief and then answers: but I'm very tired
- Ellen: throw away your grief loads, life must go on
- Kawa: I know that nothing stops the flow of life, but what about the pebbles of sorrows that obstruct its course
- Ellen: nothing will change ...finally it will pour into the sea
- Kawa: then the froth of the sea will become waterfalls of inexhaustible sadness
- Ellen: and what do you have to do
- Kawa: I will stand on the lighthouse of the lost boats and I will scream with my mouth full:
"Get off, death, a little bit about the morning she loved us".
And after he gets a little distracted, he sees that Ellen went from here ...
All the people are talking, waiting for the time when the man with the mask comes
And finally, after a long wait, the man with the mask came in and his strength is visible on him, everyone here is excited or maybe worried, how can enthusiasm run in the blood of a person who is afraid and worried about what will happen in the near future..
The man with the mask: in the group of the dead, whoever thinks that his life was suffering but still wants to come back to life, please come here!
Several people start walking in the direction that the man with the mask said
The man with the mask: as well as living people who want to get rid of their lives, please come here
Some people apply to the one designated by the man with the mask...
The man with the mask: hmm, some people seem to have withdrawn ...
After several minutes, thirty groups are formed, Kawa sees himself with a girl....
The man with the mask: now you can talk to your partners in your group, I'll give you a few minutes...
Girl: My Name Is Rihanna
- Kawa: and me...Kawa
- Rihanna: nice to know you, I assure you that you will live very sad moments from my diary
- Kawa: I don't think it's possible that there is someone who suffers more than me
- Rihanna: Well, let's see what happens
After several minutes
- Rihanna: I'm curious to know why you hate your life and ... For all people
- Kawa: do you want to know why? -
- Rihanna: yes, please tell me why you hate everyone
- Kawa: well !
I hate everyone !!
I hate beautiful women because they are stupid most of the time, they rely only on their external appearance to deal
I hate smart intellectuals because most of them are ugly, they feed their mind and forget that appearance and appearance are an important factor that must be present in the female.
I hate rich people because they only see themselves ....How much they have and how much they are ...They calculate everything by the amount of money and only by it.
I hate older people because they think they are wise and that it is a sign of respect to respect what they say even if what they say is nonsense
I hate intellectuals because they are pedantic, they think they understand everything, even though they don't know what they know most.
I hate superfans because they're stupid ... They don't value anything and they don't understand most things .... They are only looking for the appearance and do not understand what the essence means in the first place.
I hate religious people because they think that only they are right and the rest is down to hell and good luck.
I hate atheists because they try to appear rebellious to reality or just about the herd and they don't want more than that.
I hate relatives because they are scorpions and I hate friends because most of them are enemies hidden behind masks.
I hate love because it's a word that everyone says and they don't understand or do anything about it.
I hate my hometown because it's where I was born in and it's the place I'm going to die.
I hate people because they are liars, hypocrites, hypocrites ..Wild animals dressed in flashy clothes.
I hate morality because it's a robe that everyone wears.
- I hate everyone and I hate myself
The man with the mask: come on, everyone gather, I want to tell you something....
After that, all the people who will take the test will gather ..
The man with the mask: I changed the rules, each of you will live the Diary of his partner in the same group...
(Noise between people)
The man with the mask: close your eyes, all of you, please
And then
Kawa live Rihanna's memoir
Now...
Happiness
I extend my hand to previous years..
Mom and dad, my three brothers are around me and I am standing on a chair in the middle in front of a simple table. A candy mold made with mom's love and decorated with candles that mark my young years, the fireplace is glowing, the TV is begging us at the loudest and we don't give it any attention, my brothers ' gifts are so simple that I almost don't even mention them, dad is sitting in his usual place on the sofa waiting for his piece of candy, and I am very joyful.. Very.
Delicious food, a room full of family love, an April day mixed with cold and warmth, all the lights are stuck, we don't worry about losing them, it happens that it rains outside, or that thunder, lightning and hurricanes blow from where we don't know, and the joy inside us makes us unaware of what is happening outside, the six of us are inside the room, surrounding each other, I didn't know then that I was extinguishing the wax of my years with its glow and not rekindling it again, and I can't. I turned it off hard and stayed locked in that room, sleeping there, warm there, alone there. Little did I know that I would keep these years in my veins and veins, locked in me, asleep in my heart, raging in my mind, fixed in my eyes.
Sadness squeezes my heart, I try to breathe, I cry non-stop, sad, .Sad are the days whose dates are lost and no longer exist to remember, sad are those moments that gave us all the security we needed and lost our status with them, SAD are those letters that are no longer ours, sad are those feelings that we did not fulfill, those promises that stuck in our mind tormented us with all their might, those glances that brought us nothing but tears, sad are those hugs mixed with loss, all meetings are sad, beginnings and endings.
Sad are those texts that have been written and have not yet arrived, the words that you would have liked to tell after a pleasant walk but could not because of the remoteness, sad is the time you spent waiting for someone's message until the waiting turned into a raging rage all over your body, mind and heart, sad are those abandoned conversations, dreams, wishes, songs.
Those steps that I knew I was taking to my last meeting with my most precious people, she was sad and lonely, very lonely she has no one to help her walk or support her, confused she goes right and left not knowing what will happen anymore, where the days will go with her, imagine that you are walking with your feet to bury your heart, watching
Fear Do you know what it means to be afraid that your phone will ring and you will get this heartbreaking news You are terrified of every conversation, the roads no longer mean to you because you measured them with all your fear and walked through them with all your loneliness, it no longer means to be in them again, the streets suffocated you until you run away from them, you look out the window at the moving trees and wonder, " Do you feel my fear of these trees?" Have you saved my dark, scared face And my trembling beating heart"
I remember that it was one of the longest ways to get there, when the doctor said to me, "Are you alone at home?" I don't know what to say, but you lost your father.."And then age stopped in my mind and I was alone in this life," uncle, " and here I can't write how those moments were, but they are full of fear, horror, sadness, anger, bewilderment, full of crying and praises . What am I going to do now How will I face this world This is real fear and loss, to lose a soul without saying goodbye to her, or having the opportunity to kiss her hand, to lose a voice that you do not know you will never hear again, to lose a presence that you were not ready to lose. All the missing are in a cuff, and this is the cuff of the whole world.
Fear of the unknown, fear of the clock, of some road, of a call, of a photo, of a number, of a place, of a cafe, of a message, of a talk, of people, of friends.
Anger erupts in my heart, I need to speak, to tell and to tell, but the way is cut off, and the way of speech is unknown, Do you know what it means to be deprived of speech by illegal laws? -
I remember walking very fast, thinking and connecting everything that happened in my mind, from the outside I am calm and from the inside I am burning, I want to know why all this happened and is life worth abandoning and moving away because we are irresponsible towards our feelings I get angry with myself because my trust has become too much, it's stupid to even trust myself.
I spend money on life, on doors, on the long road, on annoying bumps, on a full cafe, on the phone, on a taxi, on hospitals, on an unregulated doctor's role, on pharmacies that do not have the necessary medicines, on WhatsApp, on border barriers, on foreign currency, on friends, on relatives, on the world, on work companies, on international organizations, on identity.
The combination of all of that became one title for this year, the lost.
Loss is characterized by many different aspects, such as losing your watch, for example, losing your sleep hours, working hours, and happiness
Or to lose your favorite ring, freshness of your face, peace of mind, poise and balance. To lose the brightness of someone's eyes, to lose looking at them and seeing yourself in them, to lose walking along them, talking, laughing.
To lose your favorite ways and see them taken away before your eyes and not have the right to defend them, your favorite cafe, your favorite journey, your favorite unique and strange dialogue, your own flowers, words, lose them with their points and lines.
You lose a certain dish from your father, and the smell of his coffee attracts you to bring your cup and steal from his knee and sit to listen to him drink his coffee and hum, and you miss his calls that sometimes scared you because you were late for home, or a recommendation from him for some purpose.
You lose a hug that was most sincere, you lose the imaginary security you created for yourself from someone's talk, you lose a bond, you lose a dream, you lose a whole future and you have to build it again on your own. Lose years of your structure with your laughter and feelings, you would like everything to remain the same, you lose a part of your heart and soul, you lose a lot of you without consent or permission.
You lose your colors, and time stops in your eye, so she lives repeating things as she wants without a decision from you, giving her all the comfort to walk you, because time comes to be the master of everything, things get out of your control, even you, get out of control.
Dad is the only person who understood what I wanted in my sad times, even without uttering any letter, he was the one who hugged me when he found tears in my eyes....And now I've lost it ...I've lost my heart and I don't know how I'm going to live without it....
But Rihanna is already dead...
But she wants to live despite her suffering
And here Kawa thinks about himself, about what hurts him, about his weakness, about his inability to face life.....
that darkness fades and sunlight comes on his eyes, he gets up upset, finds next to him a handkerchief that he did not have before, holds the handkerchief recalling what he saw and his sister, finds on the handkerchief the phrase (your life is spring, and your death means my dryness ) Kawa is frightened by this phrase, and cries for a long period of time ... Then tayf sees his little sister again and says to her: 'answer me, what is it with me?... His sister asks him, ' why do you want to die, brother?'.... He answers: because I'm tired of my life, I don't like it, everything comes against me, I'm just suffering and also you died because of me and I can't stand this, and the girl says (your life is my spring, and your death means my dryness, brother), so Kawa is shocked by what his sister said and is looking for a handkerchief, but he doesn't find it, so his sister says to him : do you want the handkerchief, brother?.... Kawa answers her: yes
Why do you want it?(Ellen asks), to which Kawa replies: I need it ,this handkerchief will remain a memory of you..
Ellen rips off the tissue and says, ' you needed the tissue, but I tore it, do you know why?....Because ... you want to live and you want to die.....The spirit that's inside you ..He screams ..He wants to survive...He wants to stay in you....You're not just hurting yourself, you're hurting everyone around you.....
Your life is my spring, and your death means my drought....Kawa tells her and tries to touch her sister Ellen again but she fades away.....Kawa looks at his wristwatch and sees that it's four o'clock in the afternoon.... He gets up and then returns to the habitat of life , and himself tells him with a deep voice inside him:
Your life is my spring, and your death means my drought