Shayn stared into his eldest brother's eyes, refusing to look down in shame. Riley's face held an unnerving compassion and sadness.
"This doesn't fall on you," The General said after a moment.
The pair had yet to talk privately about the details of Kyler's betrayal. Upon his return, Shayn had relayed the highlights of relevant information to the Council before going home to face his mother.
Amelia had been walking around in a fog ever since, and Shayn bore the burden of having been the one to deliver the news.
"You don't determine that." Shayn replied. He wasn't sure whether he was talking with his brother or his commanding officer. The elder was still in uniform, but had approached Shayn at home while their mother and stepfather were out.
The house was empty. No Kyler.
"I've seen a lot, Shayn," Riley tensed before throwing himself down in a chair. "Too much. As have you. You watched some of my closest men betray me. Abandon me. There was nothing I could do to stop it, and there was nothing you could do to stop Ky."
"He was completely different." Shayn blurted out. "He wasn't our brother. He was cold. Indifferent. Cruel. Much stronger."
Riley leaned forward to lean on his knees, twining his fingers together while jerking his head to indicate Shayn should sit also.
"The Fae told us that the Beast brings out the darkness inside of people. I'm guessing you think that you should have known all the darkness inside of Kyler, since you knew him best." Riley glanced up as Shayn swallowed. "But if someone really wants to keep you from seeing part of them, it's almost impossible for you to get past that."
"But I–" Shayn tried to interrupt.
"I'm telling you, that maybe you never saw it, or maybe you don't remember, but even before his accident, Ky hated to be a burden to others. Never wanted help in the fields, unless he was teaching you or one of the others how to do something. Hated when I had to give him a hand because he wasn't capable. It's always been part of who he is."
"He hasn't felt that way about me in years–" The younger tried to say.
"Maybe." Riley conceded. "But the moment you were gone, and he had to rely on others for help, what happened?" He let that sink in a few seconds before continuing. "You're going to try to blame yourself, and I'm telling you, that's stupid and counterproductive. He's his own man with his own burdens and decisions. He did that. Not you."
"But if I'd been there–" Shayn's voice broke, and he dropped his eyes. He didn't want to cry in front of Riley.
"Then the outcome may have been different, or it may have been the same. You did what you thought was right. And for what it's worth, I think your choice was right as well. You stayed with the giants, were able to bring two of them, with all of their knowledge and intelligence, back to Klain. I gather, though you haven't said so, that Simone would have likely died without you around."
Shayn closed his eyes, a new wave of guilt washing over him.
"Now, I think you're going to want to feel bad again, like you abandoned your brother chasing after some woman, but that's not accurate, is it? Would you have honestly made a different call without her in the mix?" Riley squinted at him, and Shayn shifted his weight.
That, he wasn't certain of. Going with the giants was Simone's idea, but he might have thought of it himself before long. He wouldn't have done as good a job talking to them without her.
And honestly, he'd felt no guilt about leaving Kyler behind with Gabriel, Walter, and the others. Kyler had said everything would be fine… but obviously that wasn't true.
Shayn looked down, and a tear hit his hand. He pretended it wasn't there.
"Probably not." He said after a moment.
"Then stop beating yourself up." Riley sighed.
"How?"
"I don't actually have an answer to that." The elder brother smirked. "I do it all the time."
Shayn blinked, a little confused. Riley was the most carefree and flippant person he knew, even with the responsibilities of an army and a nation on his shoulders.
"Do you really?" He tried to keep the shock out of his voice. Riley breathed for a moment, and then spoke again.
"Do you remember the night of the war, and the next day?" He asked softly. His voice was strained.
Shayn nodded. He remembered it vividly. The sound of Kyler's screams as the goblins trampled him, the smell of blood and poison and gargoyles, the color of the snow smeared with… he shuddered.
"Tell me how I looked that night." Riley looked up at him. "After Kyler, after… Roland."
"You looked like a maniac… a hollow man." Shayn replied.
"Roland died. Kyler too, for all I knew then," Riley grimaced. "And… there was nothing I could do to change it. I hated it. I hated myself. But that wasn't right. It wasn't my fault, and I'm more good to others when I stay out of those dark places."
The General took a deep breath and looked into his younger brother's eyes. "And so are you. You're more good to me, to our family, and to that pretty librarian when you forgive yourself for everything you think you've done wrong and move on, determined to do your best from this moment onward."
"And what is best?" Shayn wasn't quite ready to fully accept Riley's words, but he wanted to know more, anyway.
Riley gave him a half smile.
"What is best for you, is that you get the heck out of here before Beast's army arrives." He replied.
"What??" Shayn shot to his feet. "I'm not going to flee like a child!"
"You'll be guarding an evacuation force," Riley's face hardened. "Keeping our mother, my wife, my children, and all our nieces and nephews safe. I'm sending all of them away. With you. And since I won't be there to take care of them, I'm putting that burden on you and Peter."
"I've proven myself resistant to Beast's pull. I should stay and defend the city," Shayn insisted. 'And face Kyler,' he added mentally.
"Just because Beast didn't enthrall you before doesn't mean he can't or won't now." Riley replied. "Especially now that you have this deep hurt and self-blame over Kyler. You're leaving."
Shayn felt indignation and panic rise in his throat, he couldn't leave–
"In case you're worried, I saw Finn heading to the library after the meeting earlier. I'm sure she's arranged for your 'friend' to leave with the rest, probably under some pretext like preserving copies of important books." Riley smirked.
The younger man swallowed, not trusting himself to reply in any way that would discourage Riley's thoughts… especially since they were more accurate than Shayn had first realized.
"I will do my best to keep everyone safe." He finally replied.
"Does she know how you feel?" Riley asked. "Come on, don't make that face at me! I'll need something entertaining to think about before I go back to preparing the city for the possibility of imminent doom, so you might as well spill the story. I have to be at the training grounds in an hour to divide the recruits up into new tasks for the evacuation."
"I don't know where to start." Shayn admitted.
"Have you kissed her?" Riley ducked his head to get a better look at his little brother's reaction. "You did!! Did she slap you?"
Shayn grimaced at the scrutiny. "I… no, she didn't."
"Did you tell her you love her?"
"No! That is… I don't know how I feel." He sighed.
"Don't know how you… what kind of idiot brother did I help raise?" Riley shook his head. "How did it feel, to kiss her?"
"It was right after Kyler almost murdered us." Shayn snapped. "There was a lot going on. We were arguing, and then suddenly–"
"Ah! I get it. Mayra and Peter were a bit like that, you know. Bickering to deny their feelings. They got over it. So will you." The General nodded sagely. "Thank you, this is a load off my mind that you'll be taken care of. Simone will be really good for you."
Shayn hadn't the strength to argue with Riley just now, he was so drained. By all rights, Riley should be far more exhausted than he was, but the older man seemed to draw energy from others' intrigues like a spring from the ground.
"Glad I could help." He said sarcastically.
"You've been great. Remember my wonderful advice, and get to work packing. I imagine you'll get a visit from her soon enough… no, actually, I think you'll be going to see her," Riley changed his mind as he peered into his brother's face.
"Can you stop that?" Shayn complained, causing Riley to laugh.
"You'll miss it when I'm gone," He teased, but there was a heaviness behind the tone that both of them regretted.