"Zin it's… It's not about the money." I force out.
"Then… what?"
"I… Look, this was… interesting. But…" I look back up to him, and don't need to hide anything. "Hetaera rules aside, you're wonderful and I really enjoyed your company. But… My focus is on pleasuring females. It's what I'm good at, what I enjoy."
A storm begins to roil behind Zin's eyes, such pain and hurt that I… I can't help but understand. How he might read my words as being a rejection of his perfect self. So I guide him from those waters.
"Your body is wonderful and perfect and I never want you to change!" I smile, remembering how amazing it felt to converse and realize I wasn't alone. "But you need someone who is attracted to you and your body. Not… not some paid companion."
That… calms him a little. Especially those first words. But he's still not satisfied.
"Are you familiar with Arudian male legal freedoms?" He suddenly says.
"Eh?" The question makes me just… stutter out. Mind only understanding like… half his words.
He sighs. "Due to old ledgers and ancient treaties dating back to the founding of the Academy, a male cannot hold titles, run a business, or do basically anything other than be taken to the Academy for care and fertility work."
"Oh um… yeah okay." I catch up. "Lyttoral has a similar system."
No freedoms for the breeding stock. As Yrelia had spat it last morning.
He nods, annoyed. "So, how do you think those rules have been changed for Arudian males who've not had the fertility changes done by an Odlock gemstone? Men like me?"
"Uh… no idea?" I set my tea aside. "But… Zin what does this–"
He holds up a hand, "Please, Ina. Indulge me in this. What changes do you think have been made for Arudia's male population? Those of us that have nothing to offer in regards to future generations?"
"Um… well I would hope people like… you, male but infertile would just… live like any woman would?"
"One one hope, but… no." He sighs, annoyed and bitter. "Despite the strides such changes offer our realm. And despite the majority of our breeding males being transgender, no alterations have been made to those treaties or legers."
I have to pause at that, think over…
"So… what does that mean for you?" I ask, "And… Anyone like you? How do they… um… live well?"
"They don't, and Arudian men are left to twist in the cold winds." He almost growls. "I have my family name and fortune, even an old title of graduation from the Academy. But it is all as my dead name. I only thrive due to the fact that it would cause my family name more harm if I was tossed out."
"Um… what?"
"Arudian men are at the mercy of whatever little coin, family, and friends they can muster. Once they abandon an old name and… and try to live as their souls demand. They struggle to participate in our economy. Often forced to seek out either a wealthy patron to be used as not more than… than an Odalisque, or find community outside Arudian protections."
"Like… nothing? They can't…"
"To harm an Arudian man is… well still quite punishable. But anything they own is subject to confiscation by duenna if it is deemed unworthy of their place in society. Beyond the coin in their pocket… well business and property can be snatched away."
"Fuck. That's…" I hiss. "I was told that transgender people were accepted out here in Arudia!?!"
He sighs, "The… tides of change are coming. They have to be. With fewer and fewer Odlock gemstones discovered every century we'll need to find new ways to ensure children are born. And the Academy has made quite remarkable strides in their workings. But… Nothing has even been proposed by the Doyens or Matrons."
"I'm so sorry, Zin. But… Why tell me this?" I murmur. Still really fucking upset but… also feeling small. "I'm just some silly half-trained Hetaera."
His frown is so so angry now. "There are those… that wish to keep these treaties in place with arguments that men, Transgender or otherwise, are… well… not people. Lesser things needed by women only for breeding. Barely more than a Quelekita or other animals of burden."
I can't help but snort. "What? That's… that's fucking ridiculous."
"It is… but it relies on old customs and beliefs. Ones in regard to the soul itself."
I freeze then. Cold sweat drips down my spine. "Oh."
"You see my–"
I almost bolt up and run right then. "No. I… I don't know what you think happened last night but–"
"Please, Ina." He holds out a hand, tries to placate me. "Just… let me finish."
I almost refuse, but his face bears so much pain… pain like a mirror of mine that fucking clamps me still like a vice.
"Gemstones that touch the soul are rare and… well… very forbidden." He continues. "Spiteful horrid things that need to be sealed or cracked else they warp anyone they touch. None exist that can clearly and safely define the presence, or lack, of a soul."
I take a deep and steadying breath. Close my eyes and interrupt him. "But… Even if you were right and I could… do what you think. It would be an invisible thing. No one but myself and the person I fuck could feel it. And… I'm still just a foreigner, not really a trusted voice on these things!"
"That's… True to some extent." He agrees. "And… honestly I was… well… planning on leaving it at that. Hiring you back if you were willing and enjoying the truth your touch brings."
I look up, and he's fiddling with that same little gemstone he had last night.
"Then there it is." I huff. "I can't do it anyway. So… why hurt us both by–"
"There is a way your voice could be undisputable, even by the Doyans of the Academy." He murmurs.
I tilt my head, confused.
"The Academy was founded by five old families. Their names are written into the ledgers and treaties. Entitling them to nearly eternal wealth." He lays the gemstone aside. "But what is not taught, is that a sixth group was just as important to its stability, and they are inscribed into these same ancient texts from a thousand years ago."
"Neat?" I reply. "But… I'm from Lyttoral. And not at all interested in binding myself to any of these… big important families."
"It wouldn't even be enough." He nods. "This final group isn't related by blood or birth. They are chosen by powers beyond any Arudian family."
Oh… Oh fuck! Yrelia's training barely helps me raise an eyebrow in mock confusion. But… he just… smiles. Like he sees right fucking through it somehow. He knows that I knows that he knows.
"I… um… don't follow." I whisper.
He shakes his head, indulges my lie. "A Sun Spoken can hold even more power than a Doyan or a great family here in Arudia if they wish to."
I just… stare. Even though I should lean into Yrelia's training and make him believe I'm just some silly Hetaera. But… I can see it in his eyes. He's known what I am since before I woke up.
Somehow…
I stand, knowing that I'll never make him believe a lie now. "Goodbye Zin."
Need to Run. Leave the city tonight and make for an Arudian border. This… My lovers will never be safe here. Zin just put the puzzle piece into place JUST based on silly stories about me tasting souls!!!
Is… is this why they tried to kill me before? I'm such a threat and– and fuck is this why we haven't found any other Sun Spoken? Are… are people killing us all off?
"Ina! Wait please I–"
I turn and begin to leave, but… find the door to be locked. More cold fear runs through me. Muddles my thoughts into a panic, melts all of Yrelia's training and–
Then Zin's behind me. Something rattles. I turn and…
He's holding a key out to me.
"I always lock it at night." He stammers. "That was really stupid of me to forget."
I just… stare up at him. Take an eternity to realize what he just said and look to the key. I carefully take it, and try very hard to find the lock to free myself while keeping one eye on him. Once it's open I nearly shove the keys back into his hands before turning and leaving.
"So… you're just going to leave then? Won't even consider helping us?"
My stupid stone foot almost trips me as my other jolts to a stop at his words. I must look such a sight as I have to grasp at the handrail to settle myself. A one footed Hetaera stumbling out in a terrified rush. I turn to look up at him.
"I… I can't Zin." I whisper. "I can't be more than a Hetaera."
"Because that happened last time someone found out." He motions to my left leg. States that like it's just… a fact, and not a question.
After a pause of horror and surprise I give him a quick nod.
"I can help keep you safe." He promises, "Gather my allies and bring together enough people so that your claim is indisputable. No one would touch you then."
"I don't want to claim anything." I hiss. "I just… want my life. Not… not throw myself into another dangerous situation."
"But what of the Arudian men who can't do that?" He pleads, takes a step toward me. "What of the thousands who live in pain and despair? Are they not worth your–"
"No!" I shout then. "I've not even gotten a year to live my life. I'm not going to risk another second of it. Not for you, not for a thousand thousand people."
His hand goes still, confusion mixes with anger at my words. "I… I thought you understood." He murmurs. "But you're just like the rest…"
And… fuck that roils the anger hotter.
"Don't you dare fucking judge me!" I growl. "You, who got to keep your life and safety. Even your mother loved and accepted you."
A sound, a door opening elsewhere. I ignore it as Zin's face goes cold as ice. "You can never know the despair of my life. Especially before my change."
I laugh, cruel and hot and barely me. "I dealt with that fucking horror for longer than you. Over twenty five years while I got to watch my body get fucked three or four times a day by strangers. Do you even know what it's like to be treated like a fucking thing?"
That makes him jerk back. Very confused and… well… I can see his thoughts stutter and grind to a halt as he processes that.
"Yeah, try being your communities fucking Odalisque since you were thirteen and tell me I'm fucking selfish for wanting to actually live as me for a while." I point up at him. "Barely a year since I got away from that, and horrible monsters have already tried to kill me twice, Zin. Just for being Sun Spoken."
He looks so fucking stupid now. Mouth bobbing open and closed… like some ugly fucking fish beached on the Lyttoral sands.
"Hey um…" Someone whispers.
"At least Arudia gives our kind a chance, a possibility of change. Better that than… than what… Lyttoral…" I can't finish. Breathing heavy and still glaring up at this Fucking Stupid Cunt of a–
"O–Our?" Zin stammers out.
"Ina!"
I jerk to see my lover staring up at me from the bottom of the stairs. Eyes wide with fear and worry as they dart between us. Judic stands at her back, face a mimic of Yrelia's, but with less personal interest in me.
I can't say anything to her, still filled with such anger and rage. I just hobble down the stupid stairs on my fucking stone leg, take her hand, shove past Judic, and head toward the door.
I ignore the carriage, and just begin to walk up in the general direction of our family.