There were no… eh… evasive inspections, thank fuck, but Kque did insist check me over every day after my morning stretches and shower.
My bruises got poked and measured. Apparently she'd been taking notes and making sure nothing got infected or some such. The quick application of healing waters did wonders to speed up the overall process, but I still squirmed at the sight of my wounds. Kque said she hoped everything would be nearly impossible to see in about a month.
On the morning of the fourth day I had full mobility with very little pain in my right hand. I spent the morning helping Jevita with the translation work, even insisting on trying to take over transcribing things down myself to test the new lack of pain. I'd told Yrelia and Tasii later that afternoon, and before the sun set they went out and got me a notebook to help give me something to do while I was alone.
That night was… hard. I couldn't help but toss and squirm the entire time. That weird radiant heat kept calling to me, twisting my dreams and waking me. I ended up getting up to shower before anyone else was even awake, and found my nightgown drenched with sweat and my underthings soaked with what Yrelia would later call 'cunt drool'.
Eck.
I hate that, and I hate that stupid heat that pours off her! Well... no I don't hate it. I hate that I can't do anything about it. Hate that I don't know how to even explain it without sounding stupid and horny and a lot crazy.
In the shower on the fifth day I notice the scarring has disappeared about half-way up my arm. This gives me a wary hope when I show it to Kque.
"I wonder if this has something to do with that potion that you said ignited being filled with healing water?" She muses as she gently runs her fingers up my arm, then squeezes. I don't speak up.
I'm sitting on the bed in our room while Kque kneels and checks on my arm.
"Nothing?" She asks for the fourth time.
I shake my head tiredly. "No pain."
She continues the motion and squeezes down on the next section, then looks up at me expectantly.
"I'll let you know if It hurts." I promise.
She sighs and we continue the inspection in silence for a few more moments.
"So… um… Have you spoken with Tasii?"
"Literally every day for the past… four years? Yeah almost five now."
It's my turn to sigh, she glances up at me with a small smile. "I did. She's actually going to talk with Jevita this morning. Might even be over there right now."
"Oh. wow. That's great." Guilt spools in my stomach.
Coward. Stupid fucking coward. Don't even have the courage to say you can't stand the idea of seeing Yrelia even a little mad at you.
"Mhm." She moves to the worst part, a spot halfway between the knuckles and wrist and a little to the side. I brace for the stab of pain.
But none comes. She looks up at me, and squeezes just a little harder. Still nothing.
"Really?"
I nod, trying for a smile. "Nothing. You must be really good at this!"
"Ha." She laughs dryly. After she finishes checking each finger and moves to her notebook that sits beside me on the bed.
A few seconds pass. "How're your legs and all the bits between? Any trouble peeing or anything? "
I shrug, used to the question. "Nope, never. Everything feels really good."
She continues taking notes.
"So… um…" I start to reply, nervously kicking my legs a little. "How–" The question knits up my insides. I've never wanted sex before, and now that I do and can't have it… I don't know how to deal with it.
Coward.
"How… um…"
Kque turns, noticing my internal struggle.
"How long until I'm okay to have sex again?" I can only look at my own feet as I bite my bottom lip.
I hear her close her notebook, and feel her shift to give me her full attention. "It's not so much a matter of when you're okay to do it… but when your injuries won't get too upset at you."
"Oh… so then, how long do you think that will take?"
She takes my hand. "Not long. A few days, a week at most."
Fuck. That is way too long.
"I don't think I can last that long." I murmur.
Kque sighs, "Is she being too touchy? Because I will–"
"No! She's… I've…" I drop my hand into my hands. "She won't even…"
I curse as the words fall to pieces in my mind. "Fuck!"
"I would hope so."
I can't help but crack a smile and look over to her.
She squeezes my hand. "Take your time. Everything you say here stays between us."
It takes a few minutes to gather my thoughts and quiet my nervousness enough so I can let the words out.
"She made it very clear that she isn't going to let us do anything until you say I'm better. Even if it's me doing all the work."
Kque nods approvingly, "Good. I told her I meant what I said."
I wince, "I really wish you hadn't."
"Look Ina," She gives me a serious look. "Yrelia can be… intense in bed."
"Like… yeah? I kinda noticed."
She glances off at the wall beside us, a little blush touching her cheeks. "You don't get it. That boundless energy of her's is… well… she doesn't always know when to take it slow. Especially at the start of things."
I can't help but blush alongside her as I think back to our night together. How ready she was to pounce on me, her promise of what she would do if we weren't camping and needing to walk the next day. That was after a full day of walking and all the emotional baggage that came with it.
A pause. "Wait… Have you ever um… like…"
"Yes, Ina. I've had sex with Yrelia." She turns back and gives me a smirk, "And Tasii. And Jevita."
Oh… OH! I panic at the prospect of that. I'm so out of my fucking depth. It was obvious too. I was just too stupid and naïve and stupid stupid stupid! How the fuck am I suppose to fit into this group?
I can't help but bite my lip, and feel like a stranger. Like I'm back at that tavern all over again.
"Does that… Is that strange to you?" She whispers.
"I… no. Not really." I lie a little, then relent. "Okay yes it does. A little. I'm just… I'm processing what that means. I'm not used to… This. All of this. You're all really close and I–"
"Can I explain some things? Help give our little temple girl some context?" She smiles, warm and genuinely amused.
I nod as being called a girl distracts my nervous tensions. "Yes please."
"So first off, a question. What does sex mean to you?"
That causes my brain to hiccup. "I… I'm not sure. Sex was… work. Something I was raised and taught to do to help give women a daughter."
That makes her frown, "Anything else? What about emotionally?"
I think of Jawdat. Of our times together. Of our sex, but I hate calling it that. Mostly me just wanting to feel something. To feel wanted, but often I just felt empty and gross and... used.
I shake my head, "There was one male. One I would… but… it wasn't really about that. At least not for me. The physical stuff was there, but not worth it."
"That's… not good. Not right." She winces, "So a second question. What do you think sex means to me? To us? To all us women out here in the world who can't get a child from it? Why do we pursue it?"
"I…" I think of Yrelia straddling me. Her kiss. The passion of it. Every spark of desire I'd ever put into anything before that day was nothing compared to it. "When I was with Yrelia… That was… I'd never… It was kinda a completely new thing! I'd never experienced anything like it."
A smile blossoms to replace the sadness. "Exactly! Oh I'm so glad to hear that, Ina. It's hard to put into words, and it's different for everyone. But it's also the same. I love them, Ina. All of them. This family I travel with. And they love me in return. We do have sex, sometimes casual and sometimes crazy, other times it's a lot more than that. That's really normal out here."
"So… what does that make me?" I ask. "To… her? To you all? Am I a problem?"
"Not at all! For now you're a dear friend, a passing lover for her. We'll decide the rest together. " She pats my healing arm. "Don't let your past hurts define how you live your life now. It's really not healthy. It's important not to bottle these things up. Let the flames burn and see where they lead you. But… let them go if they fade. Otherwise they'll sit in your belly and burn you up."
That terrifies me. The thought of Yrelia not wanting me, of her not wanting to sleep with me and kiss me and tease me. Of one, or both of us tiring of each other.
Is that all I want my life to be? My relationships? Sex and fear?
No. That's what Sangoma and the temple demanded of me. I won't chase after that.
"I thought you were trying to talk me out of having sex." I grumble.
"Oops." She shrugs and smiles, "You're both adults. You seem to understand the physical risks. I'll let her know that too."
"Thanks for helping me understand." Is all I can say at first. "I'm still… trying to figure all this out. Figure me out."
"Of course. But seriously Ina, ask Yrelia to be... gentle?" She pulls back from me and gathers up her notebook.
"I'll try." I reply as the weight of everything rolls over me.
Anticipation, worry, weariness, and even hunger brew as I sit on the edge of the bed as Kque prepares to leave. She pauses at the door.
"Ina."
I look up.
"Get some breakfast."
I nod, "Yup. Breakfast. Okay."
Yrelia was already out trading for the day, and I didn't want to interrupt Tasii and Jevita. Kque shared a quick breakfast with me on the nice second story terrace before needing to head out to catch up with Yrelia.
I insisted I'll be okay alone and not to worry about me. That I'd like some time to decompress and think about things. However, after she leaves I can only stare down at the pages of my new notebook as I sit alone.
I huff in annoyance and doodle out silly little Quelekita, a few quick sketches of a neat fruit growing along the wall of the next building over, and a pair of tits. Because why not. For so many years, art was how I expressed my inner desires, and in the past those were about my body. But now… fuck the idea of spending hours up here obsessing over a drawing feels so pointless!
That cold that's been building in my chest begins to ache, and I find my eyes wandering to the streets below.
I sigh, and head back to the bedroom. I drop my notebook off and decide to go walking. Yrelia has let me borrow any clothes I want, so I find a pair of baggy pants and a dirty sweater that she wore yesterday. I enjoy her smell on the oversized collar and pull it up around my neck.
As I step out into the street I'm buffeted by a light breeze, and hold my hands up to block the afternoon glare. I've no destination in mind, so I just start heading toward the city center.
The streets are quite busy, and amidst the crowd I notice quite a few fresh celebratory wreaths adorning the women's brows, shoulders, and wrists. I wince at the memories they bring. Of the festival I'd left at my back while running from the temple, of Lyttoral, of the look on my Sangoma's face…
"No excuses for them." I mutter to fight down the guilt and memory.
I shiver as the ache in my chest isn't warmed by the cozy sweater, and turn to an alley. It connects this spoke of the city's wheel shaped street layout to the next, albeit after a couple staircases and little tunnel beneath two larger buildings. I run my fingers through some vines and dirty pink blossoms that have begun to outgrow their intended spot and now curl around the guardrails. On a whim I pluck one and fit the stem between two of the braids in my hair.
The next street over is even more crowded, and I can't help but huff in annoyance. Stubbornness pushes me to find another quiet alley and head toward the next spoke.
This one is broken up by a few angled turns around smaller offshoot buildings. Thankfully this spoke is deserted, save a single woman heading my way. I'd have ignored her, but she's neither a trader nor a local of the city and stands out. Skin like the sand, golden hair, and pale tattoos curl across her face. A sort of upside down tree pattern with little dots, perfectly symmetrical. She's also… like… really tall. One and a half heads taller than me, at least!
Her Amber golden eyes swivel to meet mine as she catches me staring. Gives me an uninterested smile and nod. I look down, a little intimidated and embarrassed.
As we get within a dozen feet or so, the cold in my chest suddenly rears up. I shiver and rub at my sternum and slow my walk. Then she passes, and that pain is contrasted by a wash of heat and radiance from my left.
I can't help but choke and fumble as the cold inside me aches and bites. Like I'm suddenly aware I've not eaten for a week, it seems to claw at my insides. I reach out for the closest stable thing and end up leaning against an Everlight post.
Deep breaths. In. Out. What the fuck just happened? What is this?