My first reaction, as I watched countless red burning eyes appear out of the forest surrounding me, was my heart beating faster, as if it wanted to jump outside of my chest. Being surrounded by enemies was terrifying, yet thrilling.
In my old life, I would enter a dungeon and be scared of dying with every step I took and I had died that way. Maybe being sent back to the past and becoming stronger had cured that almost debilitating fear.
Or maybe I was just comfortable with the thought of dying once more. Who was to say that I wouldn't just go back in time again. I wouldn't put it past Amo to bring me back one last time to amuse himself.
I turned and began my run back to the giant tree. If you have ever played a game of tag, then this is what it felt like. Only my life was on the line and each time one of those creatures caught up to me, I felt pain as their claws and beaks tore into my flesh.
The tree stretched out towards the heavens as I finally made it within reach. The trunk of the tree felt comforting against my back as I faced the horde before me. Escape was to my back, while a frenzy faced me.
The brown birds that I had antagonized, along with various forest creatures, paused before me. It seemed to be an unconscious thing. I stared at them and they stared back. It was like we were sizing each other up.
My grip on my short sword tightened as I waited for one of them to make a move. Sweat dripped down my face and slowly fell off my chin. This small drop of water seemed to be the catalyst needed.
A small monkey-like monster came flying out of the tree tops and a wave of creatures like a small tide swarmed me. I would dodge one attack to come face to face with ten or more attacks.
I blocked the claws of one of the brown birds and swept several more creatures back with my small blade. I was regretting my choice in weapons on this particular trip.
What I needed was something with a broad blade so I could bat away the creatures. My lungs burned with each new breath and exertion. I laughed to myself as I considered this unending battle good stamina training.
Or maybe this whole fight was me just punishing myself. I felt the small stings and cuts all over. They were punishments for all the lives I could have saved with my knowledge of the future.
Why was I even doing this? I knew the answer to that question. I needed to remind myself of how powerless I was. The only thing that was sure is that either I was going to outlast the horde of monsters or I was going to run away.
Small teeth latched onto my shoulder and thigh. Here, I was unable to do anything by myself once again. I was going to have to run away like the coward I was. I couldn't step up and do what the others had done.
I had not provided a iota of knowledge from the future. This guilt that I felt for surviving was eating me alive. I felt guilty for Kei, for the dangers I put Mat and Callie in…
Why could I not find the strength to do more than just care about my own survival?
I pulled the monster off my shoulder using my free hand and anger blossomed inside my chest. It all felt meaningless and I hated myself for being so powerless. I was supposed to be stronger in this life, so why couldn't I protect Kei when he needed me most?
A scream came out of my mouth and for a moment I didn't even realize that the noise came from me. I felt like a third party watching this endless fight happen from a distance. My face was marred by scratches and blood. I even saw the lines left behind by silent tears.
And yes, I looked like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Only I was risking my life needlessly again and their faces came to mind. As I struggled to stay atop the small masses swarming me, Mat and Callie's worried faces came to mind while I was in the hospital.
My mind quieted a bit and I reached behind me for the tree. I let the light take me back into the white room. I gasped for breath and held my chest as I doubled over. The monsters thankfully did not teleport back with me.
I could already feel my recovery skill kicking in. My cuts burned and itched, but I paid the discomfort no mind. My mind was far too occupied with my latest thoughts of self hatred.
Just as I thought the blue text was waiting for me. I knew he would be watching. He was always watching.
"Amo, I want to be stronger."
[I can give you strength, but gifts are never free.]
"Can you make me stronger or not?"
[I can show you the way, but only you can gain true strength. The towers are the key and you are the lock.]
"I don't need you to give me a damn riddle."
[You must enter the towers to find the path.]
The text turned back to white. I guess that was the only answer I was going to get from him. His answer was way too cryptic to be considered helpful.
I felt exhausted from my trip into the towers so I decided to return home. There was no point thinking about something when I was this exhausted.
As I exited the towers I came across Mat on the street. He had a brown bag in his hand that fell to the street with a thud.
"I knew it. Why didn't you call for me to go with you?"
His face scrunched up in pain as he looked me over. I looked down at the damage the small monsters had created and noticed several rips in my clothing and gear. I winced as I noticed blood had stained parts of my clothes as well.
Most of the damage was healed by now, but my clothes told the tail of the trial I just put my body through. There was no point pretending like I did not go into the tower alone.
"It looks worse than it is."
"You are always saying serious things are not as bad as they are. How am I supposed to believe you? Why are you trying to put yourself into an early grave, Kai?"
"Back off Mat. I was just doing some training. You don't have to make a big deal out of it."
Please stop looking at me with those caring eyes. I don't need your unwanted affection. You don't have to look so hurt either.
"I am going to make a big deal out of it. You are being reckless and it is not just you anymore. Callie and I both care for you like family."
My eyes stung and I felt a lump in my throat.
"Pick up your bag and let's clear the street."
I looked away from him and walked towards the association's housing buildings. People were beginning to stare at the two of us like an exhibit at the zoo.
I felt Mat's firm grip on my arm and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and pulled my arm free.
"Don't touch me."
I kept my voice firm as I warned him. He pursed his lips and picked up his bag.
"So, is this how it is going to be? You are just going to keep pushing ahead without a thought of how it affects other people. Is Kei so wonderful that you can not focus on anything, but saving him?"
I knew that Mat was just being emotional, but his tone did not sit right with me. I was tired and all I could see was the people around us openly gawking at us.
"You have no idea what I am feeling right now and you will not manipulate me with those accusations. Just let me go."
I turned away from him once more and practically ran to my apartment. I always seemed to be creating messes in our party. My mind felt jumbled and I did not want to focus on the true meaning of his words.
How could I focus on him when I couldn't even focus on what I was feeling? I knew I was being irrational. That moment I saw myself in third person showed that to me clearly. I was wasting this precious new life.
I fell onto my bed and held myself as I rocked back and forth. The horrifying memories of my past life once again taking over. How was I supposed to explain these memories of being tested on and thrown into dangerous situations to someone else?
A shiver passed through me, and I knew that was the one thing that I could not tell anyone. Not yet.