LINDA
It's been weeks. Weeks. And yet... this hole remains.
Barbie was shot dead. I'm still filled with this strange feeling of disbelief,as if my heart has refused to acknowledge her death. Sometimes I find myself looking around for her in our homeroom. Then I remember.
Oh. She's dead.
We never knew she was the glue that held our group of friends together. Now our friendship is nosediving. Keith is losing his mind. A gulf large enough to contain the world has developed between Sofia and the rest of us.
Langdon now looks at me with a sort of uncertain guilt. Only Malia didn't change. She remained her usual blank, blunt and sardonic self.
Until this morning.
Sofia had joined us at the table, her face a mask of misery. Two minutes later, tears just started crawling down her face and she went from brooding to sobbing, pushing her food away. Sofia does this everyday. I worry that she might be losing her mind too. Everyone looks up to me as the stable one, so I was just about to go through the usual routine of consoling her when Malia snapped.
"Just fucking stop it".
We all turned to her, shocked. Even Sofia looked up, her teary eyes wide, and croaked "what?".
"I said. Fucking. Stop. It"Malia repeated, her eyes on Sofia.
"Malia, I know you've never really liked me but don't I even have the right to mourn anymore?".
"Mourn?"Malia's short, humorless laugh shocked me even more "mourn who? mourn what? Can you really mourn anyone who is not you?".
Sofia's eyes widened some more,then they narrowed.
"You're a fine one to talk"she retorted "what have you been doing since Barbie died? Living your jolly, dry eyed, monotone life, that's what".
"You pride yourself on the fact that your eyes have been leaking lately, but let's face it. Did you ever care about Barbie? You simply needed someone to admire you, fuel your ego, and indulge your stupidity".
"Malia, I think you need to calm down"Langdon said.
Malia ignored him.
"Malia aren't you and I friends?"Sofia asked, looking hurt.
"Sure, you were. And you know when that changed? When Barbie got the guy you tossed aside. You don't love Keith, but you don't want anyone to love him either. You're a dog in a manger, Sofia, and you know it".
"What're you talking about?".
"You know fully well what I'm talking about. Of course, all of it would be forgivable if you truly felt grief at Barbie's death,or at least sympathy or even a tiny bit of pity. But no, you must reserve your whole stock of grief and sympathy and pity for yourself. The only reason you haven't killed Barbie yourself is because she's already dead!".
At this point, everyone in the cafeteria was already staring.
Thank God Keith isn't here.
"Kind Sofia. Sweet Sofia. Good Sofia,"Malia scoffed"you parade yourself as the saintly one. The one who didn't deserve to be cheated on by her boyfriend. The one who has graciously forgiven it all. You trot about, playing on people's sympathy, always playing the victim. You don't care about any of us. Not me, not Linda,or Barbie or Langdon,or even Keith. It's been nothing but a self serving fancy this whole time. I hate you. People like you should just disappear!".
I watched as the defensive glare in Sofia's eyes crumbled little by little, until a certain look remained. It was a look I had seen in my mother's eyes too often not to recognize it.
The brazen look of a person that regretted nothing and would apologize for nothing. She even tilted her chin rather arrogantly.
And I knew.
Everything Malia said was true, and Sofia does not deny it. Our friendship was a facade. Tears filled my eyes at the thought.
This is my second heartbreak. And it hurts.
*
*
*
SOFIA
Cruel.
How could she be so cruel? What gives her the right to say such things to me? What does she know about all that I go through? What does she know about me?
I try. I try my best. I try every way I know how to. Why has she bluntly refused to understand?
Why is everyone so presumptuous? Who said I had to care about them? I'm nicer than anyone,why isn't that enough for them?
Just why does it have to be me who gets painted as the villain? What did I ever do wrong?
She says I don't care. She's not telepathic or anything, so how can she just assume that?
Of course I care, how can I not? Linda is exuberant and I love her for it. Malia is her childhood friend, and that makes us friends too, doesn't it? And Barbie adored me, so of course I loved her back.
Plus, I do love Keith. Of course I love Keith. Why wouldn't I? He loves me. He worships the very ground I walk on. I need only to ask, and he'll do whatever I want. Until Barbie snagged him, that is. And Langdon? Everyone likes nice people, and I'm no exception.
Which is why I don't understand why Malia just had to go and yell at me.
I don't love or care about them? Fine, they can all get lost. They pushed me, and god knows I will push back.
As I sat at a table in some eatery, waiting for Apollo, I made up my mind. I'm done being nice. I'm the only one who should be my business.
Something made me look up, and there he was, striding in gracefully, seemingly unaware of the number of heads he was turning.
Gosh, he's hot. He's also very simply dressed. A black hoodie- without the hood on- atop black joggers and simple black footwear. He paused to scan the room with his eyes, and I waved at him. I felt like the Queen of England as all eyes followed him to my table.
"You're late"I said breezily.
"Sorry"he replied just as breezily as a waiter headed our way.
The brown skinned guy took our orders quickly and left.
"So,how have you been?".
"It's been awful"I replied.
"I can imagine. Losing a friend is tough".
"Huh?Oh, that"I shrugged"no, it's not that".
"Your orders"the waiter placed a glass of cold beer before him and a glass of chilled tomato juice before me.
Naturally, this guy assumed the beer couldn't possibly be for a minor. With an eye roll, I casually swapped the drinks as soon as he left.
"So, what was I saying?"I continued"oh, yes. It's not because of Barbie. I've made my peace with that. Did you know? Barbie's friend just began to blame me,as if I killed her. And you know the worst part of it? I've been trying my best to be a good friend so far, shedding tears over her death as expected of me, and yet...".
"Should it be that way?"he suddenly asked.
"What?"I replied.
"Crying over Barbie's death, isn't it something you do because you're hurt about losing her? Not because it's expected of you?".
"Hurt?Hah!Why should I be hurt? Barbie never meant anything to me. She's nothing more than a clingy fan of mine. Her adoration was more annoying than flattering. She irritated me like you wouldn't believe".
Is that surprise I see on his face?Oh well.
I'm sure he'll get over it. I'm done playing nice.
"In that case, what has been awful, exactly?"he asked.
"The pressure. Everyone expects me to show visible signs of grief. They look for it, and when I do show it, I'm accused of insincerity".
"Do you... see all your friends in the same light?".
"You bet I do"I lifted my glass and gulped three mouthfuls.
"So,"I said, wiping my mouth"trivial matters aside, it's like we're on a date".
"A date?"the idea seemed to amuse him"aren't I too old for you?".
"Old?"I laughed"I know guys quite well. And I can tell you're just around twenty. Besides,age is just a number, you know".
"Are you sure you're not drunk?".
"Don't treat me like a kid!"I said, my cheeks heating up.
"But you're a kid, aren't you? That's exactly why you had to pick a place where you wouldn't be monitored too closely".
"What's all this all of a sudden"I asked, getting irked.
Apollo flicked my forehead playfully.
"Don't be such a kid, Sofia, and drink up".
The way my name rolled off tongue made blood rush to my cheeks. I quickly drank some more beer.
"I know you love me,"I whispered"you're just too shy to admit it".
He either didn't hear me,or pretended not to hear me. That's his business. I love him, and I'm going to make him fall for me.
That's right, I'm putting my happiness first now.