On the plane, I was already programming the fleas and Magnum for the parts I could. Now there was no Rob, and I had to keep myself not go there, bury those memories so freaking deep as possible because what I had to do in there, it was just so damn awful that I was surprised to pull it off and I would carry it rest of my life, my immortal life with me. One more stain in my soul.
I had taken up the European adventure attitude again, and then I wouldn't deal with any emotions, as that's when we do our work. No time to ponder how to move from that kitchen episode or how hard it must be for Charles to notice that I had to go again alone knowing his need to keep me safe, but this is part and parcel of being me. I wished that whatever he would be doing, he would not think of me and what I had to do all the time, but then again, it was just who he was.
Same with Adam. He would be frantic, at a part of the time when Mimosa's heat would end. But as it was done normally, if they weren't free from the start, there was no coming along in the middle of the gig, not in my case, anyway. So they had to just wait it out and see in what shape I would be at the end of that gig.
I had to switch my gear into mere killing machine mode, for a start at least because I had gotten Portugal, Spain, France, Germany, and Italy, already free from everything else than fight clubs, so I reached in my mind, letting my rage fill up my thoughts, burning last shred of consideration or need to save someone's live because whoever would try to now hurt me, would be killed fast and efficiently, just like it was supposed to be.
If I had to do something else like traffic stuff and sabotage, this would not be an option because too big of a risk that I might end up killing an innocent if, say I walk onto the street, with this mode fully blasted open and someone would accidentally bump in me, so my reaction would be fast, lethal and with no regrets, not at that moment and I did not want to ruin my reputation as a humans savior by becoming merciless random killer.
In Portugal, it was black fae with bulls. Again, skillful warriors with many nasty poisons, but when you go in with a killing spree and finish off the opponent on the spot, that's how you get away with it. My attitude helped so much in this that it felt even easier at some point. When I got in the mood, they were dead in minutes.
And there was no fight, just me launching at them, killing them instantly, and that's it. If someone would get some entertainment from this good for them but this was just my job. Not an act or performance for an audience.
In Spain, black witches and wizards and bulls. The bulls didn't appreciate the various spells that were thrown around. You can kill witches and wizards if you're quick and unpredictable. They are just humans from their anatomy, so there were no problems and my resistance to magic helped things along as well.
I have no idea what happened to those killed bulls, no any idea, but I really did not care. I liked to have my meal on these wizards and witches and killed quite many of them by simply using them as the meal. With my vampire side out. White hair and all of that stuff, because when I unleashed my vampire side, it threw them out of balance, just a moment for me to get my fangs in and as there was not much more blood in them than the average human, my meal was fast done.
Then France here was the realm of the split demons. Those devils were in every fucking club. But again, killing them as fast as possible and not eating those fur balls, now was the time for that to happen. France was blessed with 15 clubs. Oh, you had to work. Germany, oh how I hated Germany. All 17 clubs were full of fuckers, but luckily I had enough rage. And then it just went on and on. I had mostly just fight clubs, Magnum and Higgins, Winchester boys too were on this gig and I had people to put doing everything else than fight clubs so my killing mood could be on and no need to try to curb my rage at all.
After seven months after the gig, there was an assassination attempt on Bran, and he was so badly poisoned that I became a marrok. This was not something that pleased me at all. And that's one thing that stresses you out when you try to fight in a club or organize a street fight, sabotage anything, and at the same time, you feel like all the werewolves in the world are talking in your head. Mimosa was no use at this time because she was no longer part of me, so this was all me and a minor part of me wondered why.
And the fleas had problems. I can tell you I had a long day. There was no free time. After doing 12-14 hours in the club, and returning to some of my houses, I did buy quite many on this gig, after a brief medical examination that I did to myself, I was either solving some werewolf problem or trying to help the fleas.
Now, because I was marrok, rage had to be put down, most of the time, or my rage would ignite all those werewolves quite damn fast, and goddamnit that it made me fucked up. Because letting that rage burn in your mind is so damn freeing feeling.
One country after another. The mafias, fight clubs down, sabotage, and mysteries. There were times when I had to do everything, meaning even more strict rage management, and it made this all the more difficult. Be a marrok and a flea at the same time. I had my duties for both of them and goddamn it, that made this very time of my life. But I did anyway, as always.
When the whole fucking job was thrown away once again after 15 months, my weight was 24 kilos. It should take some time to recover again. Now, there was still no chance for bed rest as I had only managed to give the marrok power back to Bran after the gig was over. Charles and Adam still had some work to do. Because there were several crises amid the werewolves and those two had to maintain the peace and Bran had to go personally in the worst situations so they were busy, but the boys did not go on missions before seeing me at first.
I went to Monaco to recover. I was there three days before I told them where I was, just to get my rage under control. I was so tired. So pissed off and in so freaking volatile mood, not wanting to control myself so I needed a little bit of time to get my mind a little more stable state before letting those two, whose worry and love flooded into me through our bond clear as day, to look me over.
Charles and Adam came then after I had left them a message, both of them in the strictest doctor mode possible, looked me over, operated, and luckily, I grew new organs. They kept me asleep for three weeks to get my weight even 30 kilos. Very heavy feeding and still there were deficiencies in my blood as it took time for my reserves to fill up. Even though my weight got better, my physiology was not in top peak condition yet.
They let me wake up and told me straight in my face in what shape I still was, but they were sure that I could get myself in better shape by being awake and eating too. They were there to make sure I ate whenever they had time to look after me.
Bran was now using them both as his workhorses before getting things completely sorted. He was himself traveling all over America to get things in order and suppress the worst of the problems.
I started to recover, and while I was busy with the fleas, I was on the trail of Sark once again, and sabotaging the damn thing was my favorite thing to do. But oh, it was a lot of work. I had my sights set on him and there was so much to organize in order for us to get the real big win over him.
Charles told me to eat. He brought tray after tray of food in front of me when I was in my study doing flea work. In the evenings, then he came and took me to bed to sleep. Charles and Adam differ from Damon in that they don't believe in anesthesia with drugs nearly as much as Salvatore, but then again, he's an anesthesiologist.
No, Charles and Adam say that the best sleep comes when I'm safe in their arms and that they're right about that. Although I was no longer addicted to their pheromones, this was something I could get hooked on, being held. Charles or Adam rarely or never actually held me during the day, as we were so busy now and then.
He wanted to make sure that I would recover properly, but they were just too busy, sometimes they had to fly to America too, be there a few days, week and leave me to work on my own with no gastro implant and me being recovering, my rage had led my mind to be fully focused on work and that lead again my health being not best it could be and my mind in just thinking work and nothing else much.
I took pause at some point always, just trying to reorganize a few things, go to shower, try to think about the complete picture, not just chase after Sark, but it was not so easy. There was so much good in my life too, even though Damon was not part of it. Not at that moment and I had no qualms about facing him, not anymore, but he kept his distance from me and I guess he did not want me, he had gotten over me or something. I did not want to depress myself, so I focused on thinking about those two gorgeous creatures that I had in my life.
Charles was lovely. He really was. I still wondered how he had slipped into my life and then into my heart. Charles had been there for me, actually longer than damon too and he had been always very protective over me. I felt honored to win over Charles's heart and what little I had heard about Samuel, well he had actually kept speech for me when it had been clear that Charles had genuine feelings for me.
Samuel had warned about me ever breaking Charles's heart because what Anna did to him and that cursed child, broke him so totally that Samuel had believed that Charles could not even be this happy when he was with me. And he was in love with me. It was more precious to me than anything else. Whereas Adam had always been my protector, even before I was even supernatural when I was just a human being probed and destroyed on that ship.
That's where Adam already revealed how much he cared. He's always been my support and my protection. Always. Adam doesn't leave his wallet and phone on the nightstand and disappear to some mysterious place I know nothing about. Sure, over the years, Adam has had his fair share of women and booze, but we ended up together, and it felt so right to me. And it still does to this day.
Adam was there for me when I had to learn my rage. I had no idea what would I end up being if there wasn't him to keep me in line, to teach me to control myself and for good too. He did not give me any other choice, and he has always believed in me, and always pushed me to be better.
As I write these lines, I realize that much has changed from these times and we had our ups and downs with Charles and Adam, too. My feelings for these two are still the same for them. My feelings for Damon are like a whirlwind, and sometimes neither of us is sure where we are going. Are we still or are we not, because over the years both of these have been true, we have not always been together or even a couple.
There have been breaks in our epic love and Damon's gaze is full of love for me right now as he spies in my thoughts and makes sure that now I am fully aware that we are and strongly too. But we are almost opposites at some points and then again, we are each other biological halves, so there is a lot in common. Both of us have someone else too and it sometimes rips Damon in half, when he would want to be my everything, knowing that I will never be his everything.
My feelings for Adam and Charles have remained steady. I love them deeply, uninhibitedly. I trust them, and they are my pillar of support that I can rely on when I need it because I know I am also a priority to them. Today, I never am to Damon anymore. His priority is someone else, while I am Charles's and Adam's everything.
I was in the shower, thinking about things. And I had to start then think about god damn Salvatore. How he has treated me over the years and then the whole shed session and everything else, too. My feelings for him were so damn complicated and it took this time for me to even be able to start work on things in my mind.
My heart, that one goddamn horse shit Salvatore, tore it apart, literally now and then and then metaphorically. He could marry another woman, get a divorce, and beg for me to take him back and his life back when that woman turned out to be a dick.
He could be in a lovely mood, nurturing, caring, teasing, taking me to a restaurant for dinner. We could sometimes, in the old days, just lie on the sofa with our arms around each other and that was all we needed. Damon's biggest problem nowadays was Charles.
Damon was a pathologically jealous, possessive man. After all, he was said to be over a thousand years old. Damon tortured me, I mean to where my body died, and then he repented, I'm told, after he'd had his fill. He said he didn't understand himself. I haven't seen him in years.
I thought about how his cruel behaviors have escalated over the years and decades that we have been together. Originally, he kidnapped me, took me to a cottage somewhere, and stuck his tooth substances into me and fear and terror so that I was really scared of him after that.
He was a black mamba because, before the attack, he was lurking and talking in his head and sneaking around, biting me, Adam, and Bran with substances. I had been so afraid of him that when he had come at me after I had been put back together; I had pissed myself out of fear.
Well, he was said to have an evil spirit in him, and it was taken away. Didn't help. The next step was that I was again kidnapped, this time not ambushed or informed of his intentions. And stabbed or beaten, again, keeping me messed up with drugs. There were a lot of different explanations that he offered. One explanation at this time was that he was strengthening me. I could take more fight clubs and drug stores and so on. He was almost trying to get me, just to let him torture me.
Then came the equipment. The shed was, again, kidnapped, now tortured with stabbing devices, rib crushers, and poisons. Automated devices he'd picked up somewhere. These were shed sessions. And boy, have they been enough. The explanation is vague and regretful when you have to, or you baby, you do bad things and make me do this to you.
These have gotten over the years crueler, more lethal, almost killing me, and then killing me. He killed me. Took me in his arms, and kept me the whole time. I was really weak, and he stabbed me with a platinum dagger until my straps broke and I died. He smelled like passionfruit. Not the usual wet dog stench.
One tendency is to say stop. Only when the gentleman has had enough, then you can only stop. Or you have to beg, ask. Then there's everything else. Now he got his mind blown apart and there had been pieces of other vampires that he took out. So I guess these deviations could have been those other pieces, but that wet dog, that is all Damon.
One time, he made me believe that he had an evil twin inside him, in his mind and he was the wet dog-smelling guy, but as he is a manipulator, he made sure that I bought that lie, with hook sink, and everything and then blew the truth out of my face that it had been just one big lie. That there was no evil twin, that his evil part remembers our times too, meaning it was just one part of Damon.
The Lord is fucking good at manipulating everybody, how to turn every single thing I do upside down, so I'm the one to blame. And then, the Lord himself wants to invent and hand out punishment like sedation and symptoms. Again, so he could hurt me, take me to the shed, and fuck in everyone's faces when the truth came out.
Charles is almost the opposite of Damon. Charles never wants to hurt me. He has been the one who has always gotten me together ever since he slipped into my life. Charles is my support and my security. So is Adam. Those are the two I trust. I was so happy that I had those two in my life and it brought me a sense of security. I knew that I had a lot of work to be done, but maybe at some point, I could ease up and spend some time with them, too. But they were as busy as I was, so I was not making it into my priority. Only Sark and making his existence was once again my priority.