The first thing I noticed was a headache that seemed to break my head. I grunted and moved; the nausea hit suddenly, and I barely got my eyes open, Someone muttered something and supported me as I vomited into the bucket. And for a long time. Then I collapsed for a moment, trying to open my eyes properly. The light got in my eyes, aggravating the headache, which again made the nausea come on again, and I threw up.
I felt absolutely awful. I couldn't even get myself to wake up properly. I just felt like someone was always supporting me, so I would throw up, and I felt like my head would fall apart. Then, at some point, I got my eyes open enough to see Jake sitting next to me. I was on the couch, in my office.
Jake said, "A hangover is no fun, and you are what you are, and you'll take a hangover badly."
I noticed I had a cannula, and I tried to take it out. Jake took my hand away and said, " Leave it. You need fluids. Hugh's here to help."
I said, "I must be dying, I feel terrible..."
Jake said, "It's a hangover, but you'll be fine. I'm sorry about what happened, and I can't even know how you feel,"
I said nothing back. Reality came back, and I started crying. Jake took me in his arms and helped me. I was vomiting, suffering from a headache, crying, trying to rip the cannula out, but he was relentless and prevented everything.
Sometimes I fell asleep, passed out or whatever. Hugh seemed to say at one point that my blood alcohol level was still very high and it would take days for my body to eliminate all the alcohol.
I knew I deserved this, too. What's a week of misery with headaches and vomiting compared to my group losing their lives when I wasn't knowledgeable enough, when I let my emotions get the best of me, and this was the price I paid? So it went on.
The headaches went nowhere; the nausea didn't ease. Jake was mean and wouldn't let me take the cannula out. I cried, I raged, I tried to lash out, but I wasn't really in the condition to lash out. Jake held me in his arms, wiped my mouth after I threw up, wiped me, listened to my rage, and beat him. I didn't even have the strength to do anything properly, but that didn't stop me.
Harper also sometimes sat next to me and helped when Jake was eating or something.
I said to Harper, "I was supposed to tell Brutus everything we did in England, and I didn't have time.." and I started crying.
Harper said, "When my wife divorced me and Johanna died, I went crazy. I took revenge on everyone, and I thought nothing of it. I might have put a little bomb behind the door of some institution, and I got nothing done. But you, you saw or believed in me. You directed me to Adam, who made sense to me. You, Mimi, saved me. I know what we lost. Our team, I was there. And this hurts me as much as it hurts you. I know there's nothing I can say that will help and take away this pain and loss, and the knowledge that our friends ended up in the cremation furnace of the Sark plant, and we won't even get them a formal funeral yet. But we have to keep going. To save the next and maybe at some point get justice for those we lost."
I calmed down and once again fell asleep. I don't know how fucking long my hangover lasted. Then, when I finally woke up, the nausea was gone; the headache was gone, and even though I was still tired, I wasn't so sick anymore, but I was empty inside.
I hadn't turned my feelings off. I had just made a shield in my mind. So I don't let myself feel so much anymore. I protect myself. I took a shower; when I came back, I found a message on my desk from Jake and Harper. They had to go on a gig in Canada, and Magnum was developing new protective gear based on the bullet they dug out of me. I didn't know they had dug it out, either.
I sat at my desk and looked at my phone. It had been two weeks since I'd come back here. Hugh knocked and then came in.
He said, " Good morning, you're feeling better; well, you've had a hangover for a little over a week, so as a doctor, I say don't fucking do that again. It's not good for your body at all. You've lost 8 kilos, as I don't have any nutritional solutions for you here, and you may feel half-fit for a while. You still have alcohol breakdown products in your system, and it's totally fucking up your metabolism. "
I said, 'Well, good to know. Like I said, booze is the drink of the wise, so I'm not wise. If I'd just been quicker, I might have had time to help Lucy, and if Bobby hadn't jumped in front of the bullet.."
Hugh said, " You would have been a prisoner. The hacker team found the camera footage, and I've gone through it. I will not speculate about what would have happened if you had done otherwise. All we can do is learn from the past and move on. We rescued 38 shapeshifters, and 30 of them, and their packs are now in the fleas, so we've got some damn good allies. "
I nodded and said, " Is everything in order? Am I needed anywhere?"
Hugh said, " Magnum will take care of things. There's nothing urgent now."
I said, "I'll make us a memorial plaque with our code to engrave all the fallen in the fleas. I'll tell you where it is then, but it's our secret. We won't tell everyone, but for those of us who knew the fallen, it's for us we remember those who have given their lives for us."
Hugh looked up and said, "Perfect. But I suppose you want to do it yourself?"
I nodded and said, "I'll let you know where the plaque is. I don't know where I'll end up yet, but I'll be in touch."
Hugh nodded and said, " If you get any worse, let me know, and then I'll have to figure out how the hell to get that alcohol out of your blood."
I said, " Wait a minute. "
I bit my lip and tasted my blood. The pressure between my eyes and the headache came on almost immediately. I took the can from my bottom drawer and bit through the lid. The stuff I drained was a poison green. I made about three deciliters of it and gave it to Hugh.
He took a sniff and said, " Oooh. This is pure alcohol, but wait till I put this in the analyzer and take another blood test on you. That's a handy ability if that's how you eliminate the booze."
He walked over to the medbay. Meanwhile, I was looking at the gig list, and where the action was, and I saw Atlanta would be a very good destination. It would take time to drive there, but I had it. And it was getting to think about things and getting myself in the right frame of mind.
An hour later, Hugh was back, having taken a blood sample from me earlier, and said, " You eliminated about 85% of that alcohol, and I suspect you've gotten rid of the rest now that it's no longer polluting your system, but that stuff was pure alcohol and breakdown products. I've saved it in case Colin wants to look into it."
I said, " There's no hurry. I've got almost two days of driving before I even get to Atlanta, so there's no need to inform Colin."
I stayed at the base for that day, and then I left for Atlanta.
On the drive, I stopped now and then to eat, go to the bathroom, and take breaks. I got my thoughts in order, and my anger and my rage against Sark grew. The scouts had gotten pictures of how everyone's bodies were burned.
Still, we sent the security camera footage and also our reconnaissance tape to the authorities so that they would have evidence and the people would be declared dead.
It had become the law that you could give the authorities recordings or evidence of anything, and they would go through it to see if there was anything for them to do. There was no need to have it all done by official channels; just this kind of evidence was enough for authorities to check out places.
Just knowing that there were human bodies being burned in that facility made the wheels turn when it was still a licensed business, so there would be or have already been inspectors going in.
Just before I left, Ruby announced that the facility had been ordered to close, and they had gone in on orders from the authorities. There had been arrests, illegal weapons, several murders, and other charges, and then the people we rescued from there testified against the Sark staff.
Still, they said nothing about us or me, except that apparently the fleas had gotten them out, but they had died in the process. It didn't bring anyone back, and Sark had escaped. I was ready to pounce and see where he was next.
I arrived in Atlanta. On the way, I had put out a message that I would come by at some point and see where help was needed, but it would be another week. I went downtown and got a stone carving set and proper equipment so that I could easily carve all 26 people we had lost so far. I mean, the fleas had been there for years, and we hadn't lost that many people, but I knew each one and when they had died.
I went to a stone shop and bought a beautiful granite slab. I had already bought the carving tools and carved all the people who had died in the flea business on the slab. The slab was big because I knew those 26 wouldn't be the only losses. As awful as that philosophy seems, I just hoped the slab would last me for decades.
I sat in one of our safe houses as I carved, my eyes wet with each name of my group. But I swore these were the last tears I would shed for anyone. I had a big organization, and I had to act when Adam wasn't doing anything. Be a good leader, and a good leader doesn't cry. They control themselves and their reactions.
I packed a plate in my car and drove around Atlanta. Then I found the perfect place. Lake Lanier. I parked my car, packed the plaque in my backpack, and got moving. I walked around it for a while, and then I found a magnificent spot for our slate.
I went through the thick grass; there were rocks and tall trees, and willows created a safe shade; it was the kind of place where it would be good to rest. The wind was rustling in the trees; it was spring, and the wind brought the smell of the lake. Also, some flowers were already scenting. It was hidden, in a hollow in the rock, and I memorized the location.
I could imagine that someone might want to be buried in such a place. On my way back to the car, I carved a few symbols on the few stones along the way for signs so that when I told them where this place was, the fleas would find it.
I had got this big stone slab, where I had carved in code the names and dates of death of all the fleas who had died so far. Now, there were nine more names—26 in total. I knew every one of these fallen ones. I had hidden the slab in a hole in the rocks, hoping I wouldn't have to come and add names right away.
As I laid the plaque down to rest in its hiding place, I almost felt that I was putting the souls of friends to rest there, or at least part of my heart. The place was beautiful and peaceful, but for me, it meant so many things.
I had sat on the rock and realized that this would be my life; as long as I was around people, I would lose them. Because people don't live forever, and these would not be the only ones I was going to lose. It was a bitter, heartbreaking lesson, but it got through.
Then I headed for my car. The next job wouldn't be any easier. I'd been told that everything had now been declared dead, and their families had been told, but I had to do this alone. I got nine gigantic bouquets of flowers, a gift basket, and gift cards.
I had already arranged the money for the relatives earlier. Then I flew around America visiting all the relatives, delivering baskets and flowers, drinking coffee if offered, telling them what happened, and no one blamed me, also telling them how the institution was now broken up. People were being brought up on charges.
It was heartbreaking to see the widows of these young people, their pregnant bodies, and the knowledge that my actions had robbed them of what mattered most. It took a week to make that trip. I returned to Atlanta, and I had done all I could. It was time to move on.
I was in Atlanta for a week, and Adam called to say that the females had been thrown out of the pack. Salvatore had gone off somewhere, and he was very sorry. When Adam asked me what I had done. I simply replied that I was on a job and I was now in Atlanta.
I didn't tell him about the job. I didn't tell him how I drank. I didn't tell him about Lake Lanier. I would tell nobody about this job. I knew Jake could keep his mouth shut when I said Adam didn't need to know what I was doing or my shape.
I learned in that place that it's better just to be strong and not show your feelings, or feel them too much. Keep a cool head and always focus on the bigger picture. There was no room for my personal feelings in this job, and as a leader, I always had to act.
I had just told Magnum that the gig went wrong and the people were lost. He asked no more questions because Magnum knew what I was actually talking about. Jake had told Magnum, and he had seen the bullet holes. I didn't know if Magnum had seen the tapes of what happened.
He knew, but I didn't discuss it with him at all. And I didn't doubt that Adam knew. Jake must have told Adam when I found out he was back in business. But I didn't want to be comforted; that time had passed.
Adam said, " Those women were the fortune hunters and Bran, well, he sent them to Montana, and he's there himself. He's going to teach them what to do with the bitches and a few other things. And I don't feel sorry for any of them bitches. Salvatore got them to admit that they were looking for the perfect rich men to live off and squander, and since Salvatore is a handsome, powerful vampire lord, they figured Damon would make them hybrids too, take the place of the vampire king himself and make them princesses. I'm so damn sorry, and I was really gross to you. I don't know where Damon went. He was furious and blamed himself for something. I'm already in the flea business, so if anything comes up, I'm free."
I replied. " Yeah, I'm going to keep working on incubus and succubus, but Canada has some really nasty demon nests if you can get them started. Jake and Magnum should be available."
Adam grunted and then hung up. I concentrated on looking at the results from the farms. Now, once again, I was going to be a flea and do my job and do it well. Control myself and my emotions and keep my head down.