🌹I still remember...
I remember that warm smile that fixed a thousand troubles . I remember that mischievous but cute laughter after a naughty joke . Not a day goes by where I don't think of my Angel 😇. But I feel it most when I lie awake at night , with the silence of the whole world asleep , I stay wide awake and think of you . You always made my troubles seem so small ,you were always there to catch me when I'd fall . In a world where heroes come and go ...I wish you'd always stay . But I understand that you had to go ,now the pain has vanished and that's all I wanted for you . I remember it as if it was just yesterday . Everything happens in the blink of an eye , sometimes it happens before we can even blink an eye . I still remember...I remember late night conversations , the deepest ones . I remember the last time I looked into those comforting eyes , the last time I saw that warm smile . I remember the places we went to together , I know every single conversation you had with everyone else . I remember the last time I fed you , I felt honored to be honest . Custard late at night 😌but you refused to eat from the hands of anyone else except me . I still hear your voice , I hear your voice calling my name and maybe ...maybe I still get up to kiss you goodnight on your forehead and tell you that I love you . It was part of my routine but it was also something that I really meant . Just to run to the lounge and do these things ...I quickly remind myself that you no longer here . I should be happy ,because now you in a better place , but each time I think about it I miss you more . It's so surreal that I wish I could just take you by the hand and bring you back home . But I know our place on this Earth is not worthy to be called home . It's just a house that no longer seems familiar without you . So I survive each day ,almost barely , but I have to . I have to in order to one day see you again . I feel so much that I don't feel at all. I know it doesn't make sense to others but to me it does and to you it would . I need more late night conversations, I still want to tell you about my day after school , I still want to hear your sincere compliments about how I look each Sunday after church ...everyday . I still want to give you a nice bath and make sure you're comfortable every night. I still want to be a little selfish and spend time with you alone while everyone else is sleeping. I still need your advice and I still want to tell you secrets I never tell anyone . I still want to brush your salt and pepper hair and make you coffee atleast five times a day . Sometimes I stare at your small white cup , two sugar , 1 coffee and preferably black . I want to fill your water bottle and make sure that everything is set before I go to sleep. I don't feel productive anymore , even though I do more now , I know that my favourite part of my routine cannot be done . It was my responsibility, you were my responsibility and maybe that's the reason why I can't seem to fully let go . I think I have , but some things always remain . I still want to pick out your clothes and say :"Wow , my Grandma has the best style out of all the grandma's I've seen " and then I want to see you brush that off with a smile . After a long day I rush home to heal with your smile ...but then I forget . I still look at your photos though and then ...I somehow feel you near . Certain smells makes me turn around ...I still find a grey hair now and then . I pick up each feather that falls on me and then I guard it with my heart because I know you were present. I have one specific one 🙂 you were there on my first day of high school right ? With your blessing I've made it past four years now , I have one final year left and I promise you I'll make you proud . I'll look after our family even if it takes everything in me , I will not give up , I'm not allowed to give up . I remember your lavender scent , the taste of my world's most famous homemade meal made with the ingredients of your pure love . I remember the songs you used to sing and the beats that made you dance . I watch videos of you laughing , dancing ,modelling and just being a vibe and then suddenly I'm like a sports car that just got filled up with petrol and can travel a few more miles per hour . Sometimes I stare at a random lady that reminds me of you . It's true , a house is NOTHING without a grandma's presence . It's true , that grandmothers are the glue that keeps her family together . I'm pretty sure you were the best brand of glue ...perhaps super glue because damn ...with you in our lives we were inseperable and even if the whole world was against us , we would still make it through because we were inseperable. Everything has changed now , but just give me time . I'll work so hard and make you so proud and when I look back I want to be able to see or atleast imagine that famous smile of yours . I have so much updates on my life...to be honest it's nothing big because my life hasn't changed much since you left . But I still have so much to tell you . If I could write a book about everything the pages would probably not be enough and the ink would also not last . But I also know you see everything , even more than me . Each day I pray that you'll walk right back through that door and tell me that I was only dreaming and that you not really gone as long as I believe . I hope you dancing in the sky and I hope you singing in the angels choir and I hope the angels know what they have . I bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived. Since you've arrived . Cause here on Earth everything's different , there's an emptiness . But I want you to be happy and I promise I'll try as well . For now , I'll hold onto the great memories you left me , I'll keep it safe in the high walls of my heart . I hope you know you did the greatest job for all of us and even though I wanted to do so much for you ...I promise to return your goodness to people who genuinely need it . Like you always said , if you receive good from others and it's so much that your cup overflows , pour some of it in someone else's cup . Thank you for everything , I promise to make you proud in the end , no matter what it takes . I love you beyond explanation. I can't wait to hear my name coming from the sweet sound of your voice , I can't wait to hear the funniest nicknames you used to call me . I know I might have to wait for years to meet you , but believe me when I say that I'm more than willing to meet you again one day . I'll never ever let you go . You'll remain my most beautiful red rose , the type that no price can pay for .The one without thorns and the most amazing scent . For now I'll keep you in my prayers and when the time is near please take me by the hand , give me the tightest embrace and a kiss on the forehead and let's run to our heavenly father and start over with something that cannot be humanly created.
P.S . I love you forever and after forever.🌹