It was about this time that I started to get concerned about the work load that the squad was under. They were all working so hard, but it was starting to show in their bodies.
They were a little bit stiffer, a little bit more sore each week. I spoke to the captain about it, but he said that they could keep going for the moment.
They had encountered several more groups of thugs coming passing through, and had been able to destroy them with no injuries to the squad.
They were getting pretty good at ambushes now, and the thugs had no fieldcraft to make them dangerous, no matter how good they were at weapons.
They had to keep the level up, so that none slipped through. Actually, I was most concerned about the captain.
Since Drowsy had been injured, he'd led all the ambushes personally. He seemed to be everywhere at once, and I could see the strain that he was under.
Clonk continued to have problems. He was one of only two in the squad who was struggling with the mission, the workload, the captain.
The captain had told me that Clonk had a history of drunkenness and poor discipline, and that he was doing very well, good enough for the captain.
One night I awake from a deep sleep. I listened to the noise of the squad snoring, and the wind moaning gently outside. What had woken me? Suddenly I realised.
Someone had snuck into my room, and was opening my healer's bag. Clonk. He should've known better than to try and steal from me.
I crept as quietly as I could into my room — I didn't need any light for that now, and watched him searching carefully through my herbs by the light of a small lamp.
No doubt he was looking for my hash. But he wasn't going to find it there. Once I'd used it in front of the soldiers it had seemed like a good idea to hide it somewhere else.
Eventually he leaned forward to smell something that would leave him with rather a serious headache, so I coughed. He spun round and looked at me.
"Do you often look through healer's bags?" I whispered. I felt the guilt and desperation run through him. "You were looking for the hash weren't you?" I asked. He nodded.
"Well, you won't find it. Why now? I thought you were coping OK?." I placed my hand on his arm and saw and felt his anger and his tears.
"Whistle caught me sneaking wine last week, and if he catches me again, he'll tell the captain, but I have to have something." I didn't know what to do.
I'd done what I could for Clonk, made him that brew most days, sucked him extra times as a bribe for being sober, what else could I do? Time for a threat of my own, I guess.
I told him that if I caught him searching through my stuff again, I'd tell the captain, after I had let him smell the herbs he had been about to smell. I followed him out in the lamp light.
As we walked past he captain, I thought I saw him look up at Clonk. But when I looked again, he was asleep.
And it was useless using my inner sight on the captain; though I could feel his presence, anything else about him was closed to me.
The other squad member having problems with the mission and the captain was Tin Man. And those problems were about to blow up in my face. Tin Man had never got on very well with me.
Most of the squad did, but Tin Man was the exception. From the very beginning, he'd been confusing and difficult for me to handle. He wanted me naked;
He hated me seeing him naked, though as far as I could see he had nothing to hide. He hated me touching him, but he got an erection when I did.
He allowed me to massage him, but he kept his pants on, even though it made it difficult for me to give him a good massage, and uncomfortable for him with an erection.
I never saw him come, though sometimes I felt that he desperately wanted me to make him come, but every time I got that feeling, he would withdraw and insult me.
I had never seen anything like it; it felt very personal. Initially I had been so happy that I just ignored it, but I had really begun to fear Tin Man's sessions. He was closed to me, I couldn't understand him, and I disliked him intensely
Since Sock's award, most nights I would undress after we ate, and sit in one of their laps until I got too cold. I had seen Tin Man's eyes watching me as I selected whose turn it was.
He was warning me — don't come my way. One night, out of sheer devilry, I selected him, and crawled up to him. He kicked me in the face and swore. "Get away from me, you filthy whore."
My anger filled me up. I swore back at him, I insulted him, I said that he was impotent. Then I realised I had broken my word — I had said something about what had happened inside my room — even if it was false.
I burst into tears and run out into the night. How could he do this to me? I realised, once I was outside, that I had made a mistake. It was pitch black and very cold, snow swirling in the stormy wind, and I was naked.
But I was damned if I was going back in there, ever. I could still feel the silence in there, they were all stunned. How could I face them again? But, oh, it was cold.
Scar came out with my clothes, a blanket and some skins. He didn't try to speak to me, just handed them to me, and went back inside.
I dressed, made myself a small fire, and sat by it nursing my anger and the pain in my face. I would never do anything for Tin Man again.
It was late in the night when the captain finally came out to talk to me. He had already talked to Tin Man, I had felt it when they moved into my room to talk.
I had grown very cold, and very sad. But I didn't know what to do after this. I felt that I really needed to leave, but I didn't think he would let me. And, for the first time since I had been tied to the stake, I wanted seed badly.
If I just had a little seed, I would at least get a good sleep. I realized that I was still very much tied to the stake.
It was just an illusion that the I was not tied and spread for the men to use me as they wanted. I had deceived myself, when I thought I wanted them.
The captain sat down next to me in the snow. He looked at me with those piercing eyes, and I fell apart. This man, he could make me do what ever he wanted.
Not only was he allowed to make do anything he wanted, but I would willingly do anything he wanted. The sudden realisation made me feel trapped and angry again. I struggled to control my breathing.
"Are you warm enough?" he asked me. I shrugged. We watched each other in silence for a while.
"I want you to talk to Tin Man tomorrow, to sort this out."
I swore at the captain, I argued with him bitterly, I cried, I begged him, I didn't want to do that, I'd rather die.
But he said that I had no choice, that it would be hard, but that it would also be hard for Tin Man. I told him that I thought he was nice, and how wrong I'd been.
He took hold of my chin, made me look into his eyes, and said "How wrong you are. I am not nice. What I am about is holding these mountains, whatever the cost.
If you do the right thing, then everyone will be happy. If your pride gets in the way, I will crush it or you"
It was something about the way he said it, it was no empty threat. In fact, I felt completely crushed already.
I cried my heart out for a little while. Once I settled down, he said to me, "You know, you need to master your emotions, you will find life easier if you do."
"I'm a woman, or perhaps you hadn't noticed", I spat at him.
"Yes, we've all noticed, and we're all very impressed. But what has that got to do with it?"
"Well, I can't help being emotional. It takes emotion to do what I do. You want someone who just lies there?"
"Yes, you are a woman, you are filled with emotion, that's a great thing. But I've watched you, your emotions swing all over.
You alternate between being happy and afraid of things. When we first got here, you were deliriously happy for a few weeks, but since then it's been a struggle.
The old healer told me this would happen, that you'd never be free from the seed, but that you need to overcome it, to take control of your life.
What you have to decide is whether you are dragged along behind your emotions like you're tied to a horse, or whether you sit on the horse, steering it and enjoying the ride."
I was stunned. How had he been able to see into my heart like that? Could I have no privacy from this man?
"Think about that. Scar will come to get you in soon. No one else will say anything to you tonight."
He built my fire up and left me to my thoughts.
I thought long about what he said about my emotions. I pictured myself sitting atop them, steering them where I wanted to go.
Oh yes, I could see how my life could be so different if I could steer my emotions. I saw myself saying "no" to Bridget.
I saw myself staring the old lecherous healer down, putting him in his place. It was a wonderful picture. Maybe I was deceiving myself again, but it was still nice.
I thought about it for a long time. That night I made myself a little mantra, like the captains mantra's, and repeated it to myself. It would guide me — well — for a long time. "Think before you feel."
Scar came to out to get me in. He had moved his bedroll next to mine, and I found that quite comforting as I lay down to sleep.
The next night the captain took me outside and we sat around a small fire with Tin Man. I had very mixed feelings about this.
The men had been nice to me through the day, as if nothing important had happened the night before — and maybe nothing had, for them.
I was trying hard to steer my emotions, to think first, but I really found myself hating Tin Man. I didn't really know what the captain thought there was to sort out.