Finally, the captain summoned me; I was to sleep next to him. I pretended to do what he said, and lay down under my blanket next to him.
"No one is to touch you. If some one tries, wake me up." Yes, sure, that was why I was sleeping next to him.
"You won't sleep well without the seed will you?" he asked me.
I gritted my teeth: how could I answer that question? I opted for the truth, but I was unable to keep the resentment from my voice.
The captain sat down next to me and spoke quietly, so only I could hear him. "You really want the seed?." Yes. No. I didn't know what to say, how to answer. I glared at him.
"I understand that you will be tempted." He pointed to the man on watch — very close to us. "The men on watch will be watching you.
If you try to find the seed, they will wake me and I will have to chain you." Well, I knew what to do about that. As soon as he was asleep, I'd offer my body to the man on the watch in exchange for seed.
I could see it in his eyes, he wanted me, and I could seduce him. I hadn't wanted to volunteer, but if it got me seed...
The captain watched me for a while, and then spoke again. "You are still young.
You deserve better from life, but it will be a hard road from where you are now, from what was done to you.
Think of this as your first of many tests. Your responses will show you whether you have the strength and backbone to find what you deserve."
The captain's words filled my thoughts long after he had gone to sleep.
I could not sleep; though I ached with tiredness and from the horse, the brew had not dulled my desire enough. Yes, the captain was right, this was a hard road. Did it lead to what I deserved? I had no idea.
But he had filled me with the determination to show him my backbone, that I could resist temptation. I began counting the night off.
If I could hold to the end of the first watch, I would have begun to show some strength. Before the end of the first watch, I fell into a disturbed sleep.
I barely remember the second day at all. I hadn't slept well, and I was consumed by the desire for the seed.
There was nothing to distract me. I thought about trying to run for it, but it was no use; it was hot, they had better horses and would track me down.
Nor were my wits any match for them, even at my best. I think I barely spoke. Towards the evening I began to feel better; perhaps it was only because I was sure I would get the seed that night.
I was able to care for my horse and help wash the dishes after the evening meal.
The squad were sitting around the fire laughing and singing when the captain showed me where I should sleep and gave me that precious little bag of seed.
I did not delay, though once again, taking the seed brought me no pleasure in the way that it had before.
On the morning of the third day, I woke early to a beautiful morning. I was able to wash quickly in the stream we had camped by before many of the men were awake.
I decided that I would start to master my fears. I had passed my first test, and I would pass all the others.
And this morning, I would start by learning the names of these soldiers I had to give myself to. I helped with breakfast, I smiled at them, I spoke to them.
I began to learn their names. Most of the squad were known by nicknames, often relating to something that had happened in their past.
"Scar" was obvious. In fact, you couldn't miss the big red weal running down the left side of his face.
"Gong", a huge man, had been given his name because he had made an enemy commander's armor echo like a gong in a battle when he had attacked him with a hammer.
"Ferret" was a clever woodsman who could move through the woods with no sound at all. Not all the names were complimentary.
"Sock", I was told, to the evident enjoyment of the audience, got his name when he stuck a sock down his pants to impress a woman.
Sock laughed, and told me that it wasn't true, and he'd be happy to prove that he didn't need a sock. I was sure that I would find out.
Not long after we broke camp, we came to the end of the farmland we had been travelling through, and the captain decided that we would head away from the road and head into the great forest.
I had heard about the great forest, but never seen it; it took over from the farmland that dominated most of the kingdom and reached from here to the foothills of the Dragon's Backbone.
And shortly after we entered the forest, we passed over a small hill, and I caught sight of The Dragon's Backbone. The men stopped to admire the famous mountains and I felt a shiver run down my spine.
All that I had heard had not begun to describe these mountains. They arose at an impossibly steep angle in the distance, standing tall and proud against the clear blue sky.
I could see the likeness to a dragon's backbone. According to myth there were still dragons in the mountains, but none of the men believed that there were still dragons there.
Still, the tops were covered in snow, even at the end of summer, and I felt a chill in my bones.
It was another hot day; very hot by the middle of the day. The captain said that this was the last hot spell of summer, and the men all took their shirts off to enjoy the sun.
I thought, since we were no longer on the road, we had seen no one since we left the road, and I was very hot, that I'd join them too.
I brought my horse to a stop so that I could take my shirt off, then lift my undershirt over my head. The undershirt got caught in my hair, and by the time I had lifted it over my head, the entire squad had come to a halt, watching me.
I enjoyed the look in their eyes — they wanted me. I shook my chest for effect. It really pleased me to see that they all couldn't take their eyes off me.
"OK, soldiers, you'll get plenty of time to look, get moving", the captain called out. He smiled at me as the squad started moving again. "Make sure they all get a good look."
I stayed like that for several hours, and the soldiers took it in turn to ride next to me. The captain changed both the point and rearguard riders so that they could ride next to me too.
It was another opportunity to talk with them all. Or at least, for them to talk to my chest.
Our pleasant ride through the woods came to a sudden halt midway towards the end of the afternoon.
I felt that I had heard a scream of pure terror. I looked around, but I didn't see anything, and none of the soldiers had heard anything.
I heard it again, clearly the voice of a girl. This time I knew where it was coming from, just over the hill, though why I could only hear it in my mind, I didn't know.
I called to the captain, and galloped over to his horse.
"What is it?" he asked
"Please, Captain, I hear screaming from over the hill." As I said this, I heard another voice, a cry of fear, that was cut off during the middle of cry. Death. I felt death for the first time. Ashes in my mouth.
Gong, who was riding next to the captain, said "I don't hear anything." I looked at the captain, his eyes were out of focus and he seemed to be thinking.
"Halt" he called. "There is a problem over the hill. It looks like an enemy attack on a small village. We will go to the rescue.
" He began to bark out orders to the squad. Two of them were to wait with me and the dogs and horses. The others were divided into three groups, and the captain led them over the hill.
While I waited, I dressed again, and prepared a small bag of the things I'd likely need if there was anyone wounded.
I was afraid. Why had I been able to sense this from over the hill? Nothing like that had ever happened before.
I was no longer hearing voices, but I could strongly feel fear, filling me up, and adding to my fear of this new sense.
It wasn't long before Ferret appeared over the hill and summoned me. I followed him into a small village with six houses.
The dead lay all around, and some of the houses were burning. I couldn't see any of the squad. Ferret spoke to me.
"They are around us looking for the enemy. We caught one alive but we think there is more. There are only two survivors, a mother and her daughter.
They were raping the mother when we got here." Ferret's voice was low and tight. When I looked at him, I could see the anger in his face.
"They were going to start on the daughter when they finished with her." He led me into the middle of the village, where there was a small open area.