Some things you can't take back. Decisions that seem so small, yet leave irreparable damage. When you realize the gravity of your mistake, the weight pulls you down like an unforgiving anchor.
Have you ever cried so much that your eyes almost swell shut? That was me three days ago when Angie told me about what Dan did to her.
I grow sick remembering how I talked to him, tried to be nice. There was always something off, but I never would've guessed that my gut was warning me about this.
We almost had to hospitalize grandma. I've never seen her react that way before. I thought for sure she was having a heart attack. I don't know how Angie got her to calm down, but once she did she left for the police station.
In these short few days, two more girls have already stepped forward. I've seen them around, but I don't know them personally.
Dan was arrested yesterday morning, and if you didn't see it on the news then you most definitely heard about it at school. It spread like wildfire, and on my way to classes everyone stared.
Grandma told Angie to stay home, but instead she held her head high through the halls. The news also reached my father, of course.
The last time that I heard my dad's voice was over eight months ago. Though, even if I tried I could never forget what he sounds like.
I hear it in my dreams, like a sad record playing the same old tune. It starts off with us at the funeral when he approaches me before we go inside.
I slide out of the limo, hopping onto the church's gravel driveway. The stones crunch beneath my shiny black dress shoes. I make a game out of it, jumping a few times to crunch them louder.
"Quit playing around."
My father's stern voice pricks me. I avoid his eyes and tug on the ends of my blue dress. "Sorry."
He sighs, kneeling beside me. He's taller than most of the other adults. A giant in my eyes. His dark skin shines like gold under the sun's rays.
Like me, he has dark eyes and a gap, but it doesn't matter. All he can see is my mother, and for this reason he hasn't been looking at me lately.
"Rose, things are going to be different now. Do you understand?"
"Because mommy's in Heaven?"
He clears his throat, looking over his broad shoulder. "Yes. I'll be going away for a little while, and you'll be staying with your grandma."
I crinkle my nose. "Her house smells like old people."
He repeats himself. "It's just for a little while." He briefly meets my eyes.
"You pinky promise?"
I hold out my finger, and wait until he finally hooks it with his. It's huge next to my tiny hand, and naively this makes me trust him even more. He just seems too big and important to tell a lie. I don't know it yet, but that's exactly what he does.
"Promise."
~
He looks the same, still broad shouldered and straight-backed. Frown lines and a salt and peppered beard almost tell his age.
Video calling him on my laptop is the closest that we've been in years. I don't mind though, if I saw him in person I wouldn't have much to say.
"Your grandmother called me the other day, and told me what happened. How's Angie?" His uniform seems to grow a new medal badge each time I see him.
"She's acting normal. This happened months ago, so it's new for us, not her."
"Is she around?"
I shake my head. "You just missed her. She and grandma went to meet with a lawyer." I'm not sure if his military demeanor is what she needs right now, anyway.
"So, how are you? Picked a school yet, or have you thought about following your old man?"
I feel hollow talking with him. I think I'd rather him not try. "I'm going to WashU."
"That's my girl! You're going to do big things, I'm sure of it."
I glance to my windowsill, watching the steady rain shake the dripping trees outside. Drops slide down the glass, casting dreary shadows into my room.
"Thanks, dad."
"Well, I have to go back, but I'll fly down for your graduation. I need to see my babygirl before she heads off to college."
Oddly enough, this hurts too and I suddenly don't want him to hang up. "New rank?"
He seems thrown off by my question, but then slaps a hand over his new shiny trophies. "You're so observant. Yes, I'm a Lieutenant Colonel now."
I wonder if he's noticed anything different about me. If he does, he doesn't say.
"But, I'll call you soon, okay? I promise."
I ignore my weakening heartbeat, smile, and say goodbye.
I wipe my eyes, and let my cozy bed embrace me. For the hundredth time today, I think back to that night on the beach.
In my head I do things differently. Instead of walking away I bang on the window. I stop everything before it can happen.
Ben and I pound Dan until the cops arrive. That's how it should've happened.
Ben, Matt, and Penny checked on her the day she made her report. It was strange for everyone to see her being so calm about everything.
She seems new. I'm not sure where the glow is coming from, but I'm glad she has one.
Before drifting off to sleep, I remember the funeral once more.
Angie bursts through the front double doors, landing straight into me. I groan, and brush the dirt from my blue dress. She's crying, and some adults are calling her back into the church.
"I can't be in there." She's out of breath, panicking for air.
"Calm down," says my dad. "You've gotta stay strong!"
His stern tone only further breaks her. She sobs. "I s-saw her!" Her red face is scrunched and wet.
"Saw who?" I ask.
Dad gives me a puzzled look. "Rose, you know why we're here, don't you?"
"We're at church."
He's frustrated, rubbing his stubble. "This is your mother's funeral. It's a very important day."
"Mine too." Angie's low voice trembles.
"Yeah, you too." He's jittery, rocking on his heels and blowing out a deep breath. "You girls come inside when you're ready, okay?" Before we can answer, he walks inside.
"What's a funeral?"
She sniffles, wiping her nose with her dress sleeve.
"It's when you look at dead people."
"So...they're both dead forever? What about Heaven?"
"I'm not sure how it works."
"Their bodies are gone, but their spirits live forever," grandma says.
She's dressed in all black, wearing a lace covering over her head. She helps Angie to her feet, and cleans the dirt from her dress for her. "They're not gone forever, only gone for now."
"Do I live with you now?"
She wraps me in a hug, and answers my question. "Yes. You both do."
She grabs our hands, walking us into the church. Candles burn and flower petals lead the way into the sanctuary where music plays.
~
Later on that night, I follow the sounds of crying into Angie's room.
"I had a nightmare too," I say.
She seems embarrassed, pulling her shirt over her wet face.
"Why do people die?"
"Nobody lives forever." Her voice sounds muffled underneath her nightgown.
"In Heaven they do," I say, reminding her.
She shrugs and drops her shirt. "Did I wake up grandma?"
"Just me. I followed the noise."
"You can stay here tonight, if you want."
"Okay." I climb into the bed beside her.
She hands me a spare pillow, and I get comfy under the thick sheets.
"Whenever we hear crying we'll always follow the noise, okay?"
I hold up my pinky, and she curls her own around it.
"I'll always follow," I say, promising.