How much do you know if life offers you something big that you cannot imagine? I remember when I was six years old in Grandpa's house. He has this big Zildjian Gong; on the side of the house is a fancy garden full of colorful flowers. On the side are the soft seats. With every sound made by the gong, it echoes throughout the environment, and the birds chirp as if agreeing with the calm and peaceful sound of the gong.
With my sandals and petal print dress, I looked full of wonders high in the sky while watching the movement of the clouds and the birds above.
Bloppa was smiling from ear to ear as he watched me giggle on the side with the birds chirping and the wind blowing. Bloppa once hit the gong again, and the sound struck my ear like a lullaby.
"Bloppa! Again!" I said happily and jumped my feet onto the fake grass. I shouted and laughed as I enjoyed my moment. Bloppa was laughing at me, and it hit the gong again and again until I felt the tiredness eating me up.
I sat down in the grass with wide open legs and stuck my hand in the grass, feeling the soft yet tickling texture of the fake grass. Bloppa went down the stairs and left Gong standing. He smiled at me and cuddled me beside him. I laughed as he kissed me on my forehead. Bloppa held me in front of him, and my thigh was separated and on the side of his waist. I touched Bloppa's cheek and looked into his eyes full of love.
"Bloppa, that was amazing!" I said giggling. My Bloppa laughed at me. I covered my mouth with my hand when Bloppa started tickling me. "Bloppa!" I shouted, and we both laughed in unison.
"Your laughter is so beautiful, Apo. Don't change, alright?" He smiled and tucked the strand of my hair behind my ear.
"Why?" I tilted my head.
"Because it's the most precious thing in the world." He spoke, and I was just there listening to him. "No matter what life could bring you, always remember that everything happens for a reason. No simple battle would make you win; it's always the hard way, Apo. But remember, the more you fight, the more you will win. Don't forget your smile, Apo, because that is my favorite."
"Sunny will never be sad, Bloppa. That's a promise!" I said as I showed him my pinky swear. My Bloppa grinned at me.
"Then it's a promise." He said and pushed his hand to meet my pinky finger and collided it with his finger. "A promise defines your intelligence to me, Apo. Don't lose yourself on the run. Bloppa will always guide you."
BEING broken like glass would never fix me. How many bruises would I endure fighting for my freedom? How much pain would it take to let me go in this cruel life? If only I had enough courage to run for my life, this wouldn't happen to me.
I'm a coward. Running away was my best option. But something in me doesn't want to go; this was my Bloppa house. I can't risk this house. I want to fight for the house, but I'm not strong enough to handle it and strengthen myself.
How would I fight for others if I could not save myself?
I lifted myself and leaned my back on the footboard of the bed and felt the pain in my body. I groaned as I healed myself with some betadine and alcohol. And rolled the gauze over my abdomen.
Some scratches and bruises are a pain for me to see. I bit my lower lip when I pushed the end of the gauze around me, and the pain was more intense. With trembling hands and tears, I cut the remaining gauze from my body.
I gasped for air after I treated the aching wound on my body. I let go of the scissors I was holding and put them aside. Medicines and pieces of cotton marked with my blood. My clothes were strewn inside my dark room, along with my tattered uniform.
No lights, no hope to find. My body and soul were broken. Since Mama died in a car accident and Bloppa died of a heart attack, they left me with Papa and my stepmother with her three children. I didn't know at a young age that the happiness I had from my childhood would be taken from me and replaced by pain and sadness.
I had been suffering for almost twenty-six years. Surviving and helplessly living on my own. Thinking about ending my life would be my last decision, but I will not give up until I can fight and breathe.
I slept that night with a lot of pain in my body. I woke up early in the morning to prepare food for them. I don't join them at the dinner table because I know they won't like that, and I'm used to that. So what I always do is, after I cook, I eat first and then go upstairs and lock myself in my room.
My day revolves around every pain. There is not a day that he does not abuse me. Every day and every night, no day was wasted on him. Whenever he's stressed and he and his wife have a fight, he takes it all out on me, and I won't be surprised if one day I'm gone.
Every day I wonder, Why me? Was I a bad person in my past life to be hurt like this? Why are people living in a world where they cannot achieve happiness? Is it because there is a reason? A purpose? What for?
What life am I living?
What kind of purpose in life am I living? Do we still need to get hurt a lot before we can achieve our purpose? What if I'm only existing to live for pain? What if there was no happiness or freedom involved? Do I deserve it? No one deserves it.
No healing would change what I've been through. I will never escape this life I had. But I know how to change things on my own. Surrendering was not my option; fighting is my best decision. I will live and escape this life. I will commit myself to freedom again; just breathe, Sunny. Fight, breathe, and survive.