"Are you sure you will be okay?" Yitian asked Shan if he were, to be honest, he hated this question at this point. Every time, before a match, before any photo shoot, in the morning, and simply throughout the day, since they were in S. Korea, they asked him this. And almost every time, Shan answered the same thing.
"I think I'm okay." But that did not always mean he thought that. Usually, it was right, but now. Now it was even worse. He was watching the guys getting showered with flashes by the photographer, one by one. And he was the next one. Even last year, he had problems with the photo shoot, but then, he got preoccupied with Chao's problems, and before he used his photo from the photo booth, pleading for an exception, in the end, he got it.
"HNYG?" the photographer said while looking at pictures he took of Yixing. Somehow, he looked pleased with the boys themselves. Not only the pictures, but he looked as if he was pleased with the way they looked. Of course, Shan would disappoint him. He was shorter than Chao or Huobai, and not as thin as Yixing or Yitian. Not so photogenic. And his black hair was getting longer, falling almost under his ears, so he usually wore a ponytail. He liked it, to be honest, but some may say he looked a bit too wild.
"Can you please not use the camera flash?" Shan asked politely, trying not to get a panic attack. The photographer looked at him weirdly and then shook his head.
"No, you all need the same lighting and it wouldn't look good." Shan got it but at the same time, he hated cameras. Especially the ones with flash. He could choose to ignore others. But those with flash were the worst. When he was younger, he really "enjoyed" them more than enough.
"Okay," he said, took a deep breath, and in the new uniform he liked, went to the middle of the white setup. Took another deep breath and looked behind the camera. Yitian and Huobai were standing there, holding their thumbs up, and making breath-in and out movements of their hands.
Shan smiled slightly because it was really cute. But the moment his eyes met the flash the smile and his entire body stiffened.
The cries, the shouting, bereaved parents, crying classmates, and the sounds of shutters flowed into his eyes. The mumbling, questions of reporters asking about their feelings. The camera shoved into his crying face. Everything flooded his brain in flashbacks that made him shiver.
"That's enough!" Yitian shouted it woke Shan a bit, but he was still trembling, his breath got stuck and he couldn't breathe in.
Both Yitian and Huobai ran to the setup and jumped on Shan, hugged him, and caressed his back.
"It's okay, you are here. We are here. Breath. Think of the game. You are with us, nothing will happen," Yitian mumbled those words over and over again when taking him aside. For Shan, it was hard to put one leg before the other. Everything was hard.
"Sorry," he mumbled, but Yitian shook his head.
"I know you can't control it. I get panic attacks myself. Even nowadays, knowing my mother is in jail, I still fear she will come back and finish what she started." Shan looked Yitian deep in the eyes and felt the connection that helped him breathe calmly.
"Are you working on it too?" he asked, his voice breathless, almost as a whisper. Yitian nodded and looked at Huobai.
"I'm slowly working with the psychologist on it. But it will take time. You are not alone. We will be by your side as long as you need it." Yitian finished and nodded toward the team. Huobai walked to them and said something that made them look less anxious and worried.
"I'm still sorry. I got used to cameras, but if it flashes. I… sometimes still get flashbacks. Not always. I don't know why today was the day." Shan lied. He knew why it was. It was the first photo shoot he had after he met Jiun. Even though it was almost a year ago, it still triggered memories.
"Shan. Everyone knows you are weird at this point, that you hide something painful. Last time you scared the shit out of Dr. Bai Qiao at 4 am because he didn't know about your insomnia. Sometimes you are strangely looking through us. And I won't even count that you are trying to get yourself detached from the team. Trying to have no bonds. I know what you went through yo I get you, but others just completely accepted your weirdness." Shan opened his mouth, but then the amusement and truthfulness of those words made him chuckle.
"So you think I shouldn't be hiding that much?" Shan laughed. Not that he wasn't told this by his psychologist many times. That doesn't solve anything.
"No, I think you should get comfortable. You know us for how long? Three years? You played with us, though, long before that. Yet, I'm the only one who knows what happened to you and why you are roaming around during the night, playing games or exercising in the gym." Yitian paused and looked at Shan's stature.
"And I think you work out… too much. You are getting such broad shoulders that no one will believe you play computer games…" Shan chuckled once again. He noticed his shirts were getting a bit tight, but gaining weight was normal. Or losing? Not that he was paying attention.
"I'm okay now," Shan said and got up from the chair. The talk distracted him from the memories. It showed that Yitian knew how to help someone with a panic attack.
"Thank you," he smiled at him once again, now feeling grateful. He was getting close to them, and that was something he feared.
But at the same time, in the past, he noticed that those guys had survived something during which many others would simply lose their lives. From a car accident, kidnapping, or attempted murder. If he was thinking about it, the team was quite ill-fated.
"No problem? Do you want me to bring you the headset?" Shan stopped thinking about the team's accidents and nodded at Yitian. Music was making him feel a warm feeling that calmed him down. Sometimes even the lyrics showed him that he was not alone in this shit. That everyone struggled.