I sit in my 5th period class which is Algebra, not paying attention at all to my teacher as I contemplate the existence of a girl that's been stuck in my brain.
Now I usually don't develop crushes like this, sometimes it's love at first sight, and sometimes it isn't until I become friends with a girl that I start developing feelings for her.
But this... this is different.
When I see or talk to her... I feel rather calm. Like, I don't see her as like a big deal? But at the same time it kinda is if she turns out to be my crush?
It feels like I found someone who is really mysterious, but at the same time loving. And... I guess i get a vibe from her that when I'm next to her, she won't judge me or something...
Yeah no that doesn't sound right I have no idea what the fuck i'm talking about...
She's "different" is all I can say based off of how I react when I'm with her. Like it's not that she just appeared out of nowhere, she was like in the back of my senses whenever I had classes with her and she just seemed like a normal freshman girl who look's like she's be a junior or sophomore... but is just doing her own things. I noticed her but I didn't really notice her you know?
And now all of a sudden now she sits next to me in first period and she just stayed in my head without paying rent? Like hello?
All I'm saying is that it's weird and new... and I have no idea what to do based off of this knowledge. But who knows how it'll ever become. Because surprisingly unlike most lesbians, I really put the L in LGBTQ.
Anyways, time moves on into 4pm which is when school ends, and I just get on my mom's car as she picks me up.
She asks me how school went as I quickly go into my group chat of my friend group.
We called the group chat "Woman Likers" because surprise! We're all very gay.
In fact, since you don't know most of my friends, I'll introduce you to them.
First we have Jodie, she's kind of popular among our grade, she looks mysterious and cool, but once you get to know her she is the master of cringe. She may seem quiet and calm, but once you become friends with her there's no going back.
First she'll talk to you normally acting cold and normal as how you normally think she'd respond. But then she'll ghost you for weeks, and if you respond to her asking and practically begging to be your friend, you have made the gravest mistake in your life...
Once she realizes you entered level 2 of friendship she'll spam you with nonsense memes, sending nothing but crazy shit that varies to cute kittens falling, to pictures of creepy-pastas but captioned into a relatable meme. You'll go insane, but once you get used to her memes and her weirdness, you are finally ready for friendship level 3.... The final stage~
She'll stop sending you funny memes and will start to ask you deep questions, no small talk, she hates that. She'll range questions from "what's your favorite color and why?" To "If you did something you regretted for the rest of you're life, what would you do to change that?" And trust me you might go even more insane if you haven't already. But after that she'll treat you like a normal human being.
My source for all of this information? Because I went through it... as well as other mutuals and friends...
I actually met her in 6th grade because we had one class together, and since then she always dressed like a gothic mommy, and while many and I mean MANY people go "gaga" over her, she gatekeeps her romance life to herself, and so far she's only dated 4 people in her life. Which surprisingly is more than me.
Then we have Jesse, we met in 8th grade as they moved to town, and they always took a liking for me, and i mean that figuratively and literally. We became friends because of Jodie actually, Jesse became their friend and as I got closer to Jodie since we had classes in 8th together, we realized me and Jesse also wanted to be friends.
So we shared each other's numbers and got to know each other a lot. And after a few months Jesse actually told me they like-liked me, and you know, I was surprised because I didn't know what they saw in me but I was also contemplating on having Jesse be in the friend-zone or the crush-zone, so we decided to try it out, and we actually had a good time dating for a while. But since we barely knew each other for less than 6 months we thought we were going too fast on the relationship, and Jesse is part of the aro-ace spectrum which means it took a while for them to fall out of love for me. And I didn't take it to heart because I wasn't MADLY in love with them, it was more as if friends decided to become roommates if you know what I mean. So yeah, ever since we didn't take it that badly but started to become more better friends and soon made out own loving friend group.
Next we have fucking Alex. You know, the first time we ever met, he actually said he hated me. Which was a big egotistical thing to say to someone you literally just met. But I laughed my ass off in class because he had such confidence saying that in 7th grade. And I guess you can tell we became friends after that.
It was a love-hate thing since the beginning! While he was goofy and pretty fucking stupid he had a lot of personality, and just being around him for 5 minutes makes you be very happy because of all the dumb shit he says that makes you laugh. We still don't know much about each other other than our life at school to this day, but I'm still glad to have him as a friend I can rely on. Sure we may say shut up to each other all the time, but he says that to everyone he's friends with.
Plus, it wouldn't be a complete gay friend group without that one straight guy! Haha just kidding to Alex because we really don't care if he's the only guy in our group. Not to mention how rare of a case he is considering he's part asian and part black, but he'll do anything to say "you're being racist to me" no matter what you do.
Then we have Ash, who is the 5 year old of the group. She says the most craziest things it actually makes Alex look like a normal person. But nonetheless she's a pretty entertaining person and if you're mean to her by just being herself then you're a dickhead, she's a sweet but a complete psychopathic person. You know, her whole persona screams "looks like a cinnamon roll, will actually kill you".
We met in Elementary school, where she was a complete different person, but weren't we all different when we were 10 years old? It wasn't until she started hanging out with our friend group in 8th grade where I didn't take her for granted. She was someone I kind of ignored and brushed off as weird, but getting to know her and get closer to her actually made me happy to even have met her because she is an awesome person to hang out with.
The rest of the people I will mention but can't explain fully because I'm tired are Hazel, Mia, Robin, and Sage.
As I get home I stop talking to my idiotic friends who are killing my braincells and start to change out of my uncomfortable clothes I've been in all day and get in my pajamas.
I start to eat dinner and think about Ava Bell again.
I'm still not sure if I have a crush on her yet, like at this point I forgot what a crush even is. I don't even know her sexuality bro and last time I had to check I have to question if a girl is straight or not because I forget not everyone is like me. Sadly.
At this point I'm too tired to even care, so I decide to finish my food, stop thinking about her and focus on homework, which thankfully isn't a lot.
After an hour or two I finish and I start scrolling by social media, embracing all the content that makes me brain dead and realize how life sucks.
I start heading up to my rook upstairs as my mom starts complaining about me going into my alone time and being too "clingy" on my phone.
Like it's your fault you gave me the responsibility to have access to the internet, maybe you should have thought that twice.
But I ignore her and go to my room, turning on my LED lights around the ceiling but keeping the room dark. I set it to display multiple colors and plop myself down my bed as I pay attention to social media influencers talk about pranks to the public.
Sometimes I wish I was different, you know, not born in a generation where money and fame is all you think about as you showcase your life through a camera. But sadly that's just how I am, and I don't know if I can change. Despite that I go through a couple videos, scrolling and such, when I see a red headed family doing a video, and it got me thinking back to her...
Why does everything have to link up to her? I don't like that... I never expected my life becoming obsessed with a girl I don't even know... though there's many people who are more worse than me when it comes to that...
I don't think much about it because i repress my feelings and deny myself there. I turn off my phone and put it on my nightstand and cover myself under the covers.
I felt sleepy anyways…
Great, another school day again, well it's not that bad seeing that Ava will be here today....
Wait...
NO! I shouldn't give in yet! I'm probably just infatuated with her! Yeah... wait no that sounds worse than a crush... but she is NOT a crush! Hopefully...
The first two periods go by fast and I can barely catch up with my work, I'll probably finish it at home and take it as homework. But I know damn well deep inside I'm not going to finish my assignments.
I get into third period English and I sit with my group. The bell rings and Ava barely makes it to class. She's late almost in every period, I wonder if she even cares about school, she seems like she'd be smart in all her classes. But who am I to judge, I barely know a thing about her!
Class starts and my teacher starts talking about some assignments again and I'm already dozing off into my own little world.
I daydream the whole time she talks and I don't even pay attention to her, and when my classmates start working I understand that we're doing independent work.
I look at my paper that my teacher gave me and it's a two page essay about social media influencers, so i skim through the reading, the words not processing in my brain.
I stare at a word for far too long, my braindead self looking at writing that doesn't even look real, when suddenly I jump up to the loudest sound in my entire life.
I look behind me to see what had happened as it sounded like someone crashed or fell on something, and behold, I saw Ava Bell herself on the ground with her chair fallen backwards.
I chuckle slightly as I stare at the bizarre scene, Ava's group which consists of all her friends laugh out loudly as she quickly gets back up, positions the chair correctly and sits down fast like nothing happened.
Her frizzled orange hair says otherwise though.
Our teacher Mrs. Abbot says disappointedly: "Be careful with the chairs kids, remember that, so don't lean on them unless you want to break your skull".
"Oh trust me Miss, that wasn't my intention haha!" Ava said nervously.
The rest of us continued our work while Ava and her friends still couldn't stop laughing, which made Ava to act all embarrassed and telling how she didn't think her chair would fall like that.
I overheard their conversation as I still didn't do any work. Mostly because I didn't feel like it. I just wanted to go home and stop my suffering.
Alas, third period ended and I wasn't going to see Ava again. And i carried on with life, wanting to just stop existing. Not that I'm depressed though, but because I just didn't want to feel anything anymore.
So I carried on with my day, doing absolutely nothing in my classes, and I was still wondering how my lowest grade is a 85.
I don't know, maybe I'm built different. But Ava kept trying to appear in my head.
And she showed no sign of stopping...