One thing that no one will tell you about chronic illnesses is you never really get used to the smell. Everything in a hospital is so overly sterile that it has a specific smell, and no matter how much time I spend in a hospital the smell gives me a deep sense of dread. The squeaky floors, the too-clean walls and beds, even the nurses and doctors look too clean. Their hair somehow always looks clean even after 18 hour shifts when it's covered in sweat and messy from their usual routine. I've been in and out of hospitals for 22 years, my entire life I have spent more time in a hospital bed than in school. That's the joy of CVID when you have a crap immune system any little thing can get me sent to the hospital for a volley of antibiotics and tests, a scraped knee? 2 days in the hospital. The school bully throws me to the ground and rubs my face in the dirt? A week in the hospital on IV drips to make sure my heart doesn't get an infection because of the little shit. All things considered, I rate CVID 1/10 and would not recommend.
With all my experience with hospitals, this trip still felt different. The doctors kept a sickly sweet tone to their voices every time they talked to me, and my mother wouldn't even look at me. I knew something was wrong but no matter what I did I couldn't get anyone to tell me. If none of these damn doctors will tell me what's going on I'll just ask Mildred. She always seems to know exactly what I need. I start my short stroll to Mildred's bed, she's had the bed right across from the nurses' station for as long as I can remember. As I'm walking to her room I was stopped by my doctor Dr. Macmillan but Mildred and I call him Dr. Dick. "Alice! What are you doing out of bed!" he rasps, trying his best to sound friendly but hitting somewhere closer to chronic smoker. "I'm just going to see Mildred" I sigh, it's all I can do to keep from rolling my eyes. "what's the big deal, no one has ever cared when I visited her before." I say as he looks down at his clipboard. "Alice I can't tell you much right now, but we're all a little worried about your charts this time around." he states, a brief look of worry and something else flash across his face before it's back to the same uninterested state I'm used to. He starts droning on about resting and healing and how people in my condition... Blah.. blah.. blah... I've heard the spiel so many times I've lost count. I decided to turn on my heels and escape before he bores me to sleep entirely.
"Hey, Mildred!" I beam, Mildred always seems to make my day better no matter what's going on. "Oh! Sarah darling, how are you it's been so long" she coos with a smile as wide as her face. "Mildred I've told you before, my name is Alice." I groan, but I still can't help but feel love for the old woman. She's been here so long that she's practically moved in. Old family photos line the stark white walls, knitted blankets are draped across the mechanical bed and an adorable little black cat named Midnight is curled up on her lap. "Oh I know darling, it can be so hard to keep up with everything sometimes," she says, her eyes turning glossy as she gets lost in her memories again. She seems to do that a lot while I'm around. "Mildred, any idea why everyone is acting so weird to me today?" I question. "I came in today with some symptoms but everyone is walking on eggshells around me, I'm starting to get worried." The doctors have always been careful around me, wearing extra PPE and constantly sanitizing everything to make sure I don't get sick but this has been extra weird. Most of them won't even talk to me except to see how I'm feeling or ask about my symptoms.
Sure, my symptoms are a bit weird, some vomiting, a mild fever, and some achiness. I just don't understand why that would warrant the extra paranoia on their part. I've been in and out of this hospital for years with so many different random symptoms because of various infections, at this point I've lost count of every infection I've had. After a long pause and Mildred staring off to space for most of it her eyes lock on mine. "oh darling...." she said mournfully, "this won't be easy for you, your infection wont be easy to beat this time." she continues. "it's never been easy, but I pull through every time, whether its cosmic intervention or modern medicine I get through it." I reply, hardly keeping the strain out of my voice. "My dear Sarah, this infection is not like the others, it has claimed your core." She says, a tear threatening to escape her eye. "My core? What does that even mean!? Can you please just start making sense for once?" I shout, hardly containing my anger. Mildred rarely makes sense but today I'm just not in the mood for her senile riddles.
"Oh Sarah, I wish I could say more, I wish I could explain everything to you now. I can't risk any spoilers though, it could change too much." she says, the cloudly look back in her eyes. "Fine ill just go scream at a doctor till they give me some answers." I storm out, slamming her door behind me and scaring Midnight in the process. I stomp through the halls of the hospital desperately looking for dr Dick, passing other patients and staff alike. Eventually, I give up and head back to my room, room 120. As I walk in I see Dr. Dick and my mother sitting in my room. Dr. Dick on his chair, and my mother on the chair next to my bed. "good evening Miss Wood, please have a seat." he states in that same monotone voice I've grown so used to. "What's this about?" I say as I sit on the bed, "I've been trying to get some answers all day." I look between Dr. Dick and my mother but they are both avoiding eye contact. "Ok, this is getting ridiculous, can one of you please just spit it out already." More aggravated than I have been all day. "Fine." Dr. Dick sighs, "The infection is bad this time." He hesitates, looking between my mother and me. "It's reached your heart." It has claimed your core. That's what Mildred meant. She meant that my heart has been infected. "and this strain is very resistant to the antibiotics we've been using." he continues. "We're going to try a few other types of antibiotics but this strain of bacteria is putting up a serious fight." he keeps explaining treatment options and the odds of remission but at this point, I can't hear anything he's saying. All I can think is this is finally it, the infection that takes me out. I always knew my life was going to be short but I figured I'd at least get to my 30s or 40's not die at 22.