Hounding memories of my father dying in my arms re-surfaced.
Making their way back to me.
Replaying themselves, over and over to me…
Like a form of motherfucking torture.
I fell to the floor in anguish, sobbing.
Rocking myself backwards and forwards manically.
Losing all the sanity I had left.
Knowing that I'd lost my parents…
And now I'd lost the love-of-my-life too.
Knowing that she would never forgive me for this.
"I'm sorry, Zara. I'm so fucking sorry," I wept.
"I hate you," she sobbed. "I fucking hate you. You bastard, I let you in. I told you about all of the bad shit that happened to me. Marcello killed my father in cold blood, but you… You made me believe that somebody else killed your father… You made me believe that I could relate to you." She screamed bloody murder. "When you were the fucking villain all along."
"Please, Zara, stop… Fuck. Stop…"
I convulsed, feeling like I was going insane.
Feeling like I would be better off dead.
Memories of my father stabbing me straight through the chest through millions of different directions at once.
Piercing their way through me…
Making their way to my fucking heart.
"NOOOOOOOO!" I screamed bloody murder. "DAD, NO!"
"YOU MOTHERFUCKER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" Jamal screamed, falling to the floor in anguish, sobbing.
"DAD, NO!" I wept, rushing to his body, taking him into my arms.
This had to be a bad dream.
This had to be a bad fucking dream.
I cried out to God internally, kicking and screaming, wishing that I would wake up.
Wishing that this nightmare would come to an end.
Dad's hands were wrapped around his chest, his t-shirt soaked with blood from where the bullet had gone straight through him. My eyes fogged with tears.
"JAMAL, GET OUR DOCTOR!" I screamed. "GET OUR MOTHERFUCKING DOCTOR HERE RIGHT NOW!"
"I am, I am!" Jamal sobbed, bolting out of the room.
"Please Dad, please stay strong. Please keep fighting," I wept, holding him close to me, my tears falling onto his body.
Drip.
Drop.
Drip.
Drop.
"I'm so fucking sorry, Dad…" I wept. "I'm so fucking sorry."
I tore my sleeve off, doing my best to put pressure on the wound and stop the bleeding. Doing my best to keep air pumping through Dad's body.
"You're going to be okay, Dad… You're gonna be okay…"
Dad struggled for air, his windpipes letting out a crushing wheezing sound that caused my ears to burn.
"Luca, please…" Dad breathed, his eyes fogging with tears.
"Help is on its way, Dad, I'm not giving up on you. The doc will take the bullet out, you're gonna be fine…"
"Luca," Dad said weakly, taking my face into his hands, forcing me to look him in his eyes. "P – please look at me…"
"I'm so sorry Dad. I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't mean to. It was a fucking accident, I was meant to shoot Jamal, please…" I trailed off my sentence, feeling me drive myself to the brink of insanity.
"It's okay, Luca. I don't blame you, I forgive you…" Dad breathed shakily. "You're my son. I love you."
"Please don't speak like this, Dad," I wept. "You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine…" I turned around, trying to make out where the motherfucker Jamal had gone off to. "WHERE'S THE FUCKING DOCTOR?!" I roared desperately. "HURRY THE FUCK UP!"
"Let me die, Luca…" Dad whispered shakily. "Let me die. My time was coming a long time ago, anyway. I've overstayed my welcome in this world. I-"
"NO DAD!" I bellowed. "I need you. The family needs you. We're nothing without you. Don't speak like this. Don't you fucking dare speak like this!"
I continued to pump his chest desperately, desperately doing my best to keep him breathing before the doctors arrived.
Pump. Pump. Pump.
"It's okay, Luca…" Dad swallowed. "I was a dead man walking for a long time. My life was at the bottom of an alcohol bottle. I haven't been right ever since Violetta died…"
"No Dad, you have so much left to live for," I sobbed. "We all need you. I can't lose both of you. I can't live without both my mum and my dad…"
"Let me go, Luca…" Dad continued to weaken underneath my strong gasp, his voice getting quieter and quieter, to the point it was barely above a whisper. "It's okay. I can hear her… I can hear her voice. Her beautiful, sweet voice. I missed her so much. My love. Violetta…"
I continued to sob, screaming and screaming for the doctor to come, but I couldn't hear a single noise. Time stood still. It felt like I'd been waiting for an eternity.
I could feel my heart shatter into millions of tiny pieces as my father continued to call out to my dead mother to be reunited with her. He'd given up. Given up on me, given up on the Cosa Nostra. And for the first time in my life, even though my father was dying in my arms…
Was the first time I saw hope in his eyes. The love and hope he had for my mother, to be reunited with her in the afterlife.
"I l – love you, Luca. I know you'll carry on my l – legacy. I know you'll do me p – proud…" Dad whispered, his eyes glistening with tears. "Don't let the others g – get to you. You've worked s – so hard. You've done so much f – for m – me…"
"Please, Dad. Please don't do this," I wept, screaming bloody murder. Screaming until I was blue in the face, screaming until my throat went dry. Screaming until I had nothing left inside of me.
"I'm coming, Violetta…" Dad breathed.
And those were the last words he said before his head lulled backwards, and he stopped breathing.
Drowning in his own pool of blood.
Leaving me dithering here.
Hating myself.
Despising myself.
Wishing that it was me in his place.
Knowing that this was all my fucking fault.
My father's blood was on my hands.
It might have been an accident…
But I still pulled the fucking trigger.
I still pulled the damn trigger. I would never forgive myself for this.
Never.
It wasn't just my father that died today.
I died too.
I died inside.
He took the last piece of my soul with him as he died.
"You're right, Zara…" I whispered, through tear-filled eyes. "I am a monster. I am a fucking monster. I killed my father. Fuck. I deserve to die. I deserve to die…"
Zara continued to scream and sob, rocking her head backwards and forwards manically.
I couldn't bear the pain anymore.
I couldn't bear the heartache anymore.
The hurt.
The anguish.
Knowing that there would be no point in breathing if I didn't have Zara by my side.
The only person I had left who made me feel like my life had a purpose…
Who made me feel like I had a reason to keep pushing forward.
Who made me feel like I had something to look forward to…
My future looked empty without her.
Hollow.
Like I was trapped in limbo.
I didn't want to live my life like this.
I didn't want to live my life suffering…
Constantly hating myself.
Despising myself for my fucked-up mistakes.
So I did something.
I did something I never thought I would do.
Shakily, I got to my feet, my whole body convulsing.
Trembling into a frenzy.
"Shoot me, Zara," I whispered, cocking my head to the side. "Or are you not woman enough? Not independent enough? Fucking shoot me. Prove yourself, goddammit. SHOOT ME!"
"W – what?" she quivered, tears streaming down her face.
"SHOOT ME, FUCK!" I roared. "I want to die. I want to fucking die."
She shook her head, as she continued to quiver and sob, hardly able to get a word out. She looked like somebody had just walked over her grave.
"I deserve this, baby. I've lived a life of sin. It's time for me to do the right thing. It's time to sacrifice myself. It's the price I have to pay… I just want you to be happy…"
"No, Luca!" she sobbed. "No! Stop it! I don't want to live a life without you!"
"KILL ME!" I roared.
And without any hesitation, I grabbed hold of the gun, knocking it out of her hands, causing her to scream bloody murder, screaming until her throat went dry, until her face went blue, until her windpipes constricted.
Screaming until she couldn't scream anymore.
"NO, LUCA!" she screamed manically.
I shot myself straight through the chest, allowing myself to fall backwards, and collapse onto the ground.
Knowing that it was the right thing to do.
Knowing that I'd overstayed my welcome in this world.
Knowing that it was time to make some sort of amendment to all of the pain I'd caused and inflicted.
My time had come.
It was time for me to die.
"Luca, no!" Zara screamed, towering over me, pumping my chest, her tears falling all over my face. "Please Luca, stay with me. God, no, it wasn't supposed to come to this. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry…"
She bawled.
"I love you, baby," I whispered, pressing my lips to her forehead. "I love you. And that's why I'm setting you free."
"No, Luca!" she sobbed manically, clutching my face in agony. "I love you, I fucking love you! I can't live without you! Don't you dare leave me here!"
She continued to scream bloody murder. Even after she'd seen what a monster I was, what I was capable of…
She still professed her love for me.
She was better off without me.
"Don't be upset, baby. Live your life. You have such a bright future ahead of you. Grab hold of it with two hands," I whispered, shaking. "Don't let me hold you back. You're going to be alright, Zara. You're gonna be alright."
I trailed off my sentence, feeling my lungs burning, as blood continued to pool around my body, and I became weaker and weaker underneath her grip.
My cries getting weaker and weaker with every passing second.
"I l – love you…" I whispered, as she continued to sob, bringing her mouth down on mine. "Forgive me, Zara."
"Please, Luca…"
"Forgive me."