I had been staying in Italy for quite a while now. It was doing me good, doing my mental health wonders. Just enjoying the views, enjoying the scenery, travelling.
Getting my head straight…
With my best friend Fizz by my side.
We hadn't been in touch with or seen any of our family and mafia associations in Italy while we were here, because we'd wanted to forget about business for a little while.
Finally, after years of suffering…
I was beginning to feel at peace.
And it was a great feeling.
***
Fizz was standing on the balcony of the apartment, staring out at the city skyline. I made myself a buttered piece of toast and a cup of orange juice, before joining his side. He looked a little weary and stressed, as he stared out at the view.
"What's on your mind, bro?" I asked him. "You look a little stressed."
He let out a sigh of exhaustion. "Nothing. Just thinking about some things, that's all."
I furrowed my eyebrows, wondering what was troubling him.
"What's wrong?" I asked, concerned. "What are you thinking about?"
"Nothing. I'm having a great time," he shrugged. "I just miss my wife and kids, that's all."
I nodded, sympathizing with him. "You're bound to. Why don't you book a flight for them to come and join us here?"
Fizz ran his hands through his hair stressfully.
"I'm not having my family coming to Italy. It's bad enough one Pakistani man being involved with the mafia. It's too dangerous to bring them here," he muttered, rolling his eyes. "They're easy targets. A man with a wife and kids… The rival cartels would know how to get to me easily once they caught wind of it. Especially with The Camorra being dominant here. They would know my weakness."
I nodded, understanding where he was coming from. I stared out at the skyline, taking in the beautiful view of my home country. I felt a weird feeling, as I stared out at my surroundings.
A feeling of never wanting to leave.
And the thought of having to leave, and having to go back to my normal fucked up operations back in Manchester…
Screwed with my mind to the point of no return.
It didn't excite me at all.
"Do-" I heaved, shaking my head. "Do you want to go back to England?"
Fizz turned around to face me, and my heart filled with dread, just knowing that he was going to say Yes in order to be with his family again.
He let out a sigh, before shaking his head.
"Nah bro, not yet," he admitted. "I was just getting used to things here. It's too soon."
I blew a little sigh of relief, glad that we were on the same page about how much good this trip was doing us.
"But we can't forget about business forever, bro…" he murmured. "We'll need to get in touch with the Sicilian Mafia here sooner or later. And I'm not even saying it so that we start selling here, or doing the shit that we normally do in Manchester over here, too."
He trailed off his sentence.
"Why do we need to go and see them, then?" I asked, shrugging.
He turned around to face me, his eyes burning into mine seriously.
"Because I remember that you wanted to find a woman and settle down," he stated. "To make your father proud while he's gone… To do what he would have wanted. He would have wanted you to get married, have a family of your own, and be happy."
I returned a feeble nod, the flashback of my father dying in my arms coming back to haunt me, causing my heart to hammer so hardly against my chest that it felt like it was on the verge of explosion. I shook my head, willing myself to shut away the memories, and focus on the here and now.
Over time, I'd never really learnt to get over my father's death, or to come to terms with it. I'd just learnt to bury it to the back of my mind, try my best not to think about it and haunt myself with it whenever it was mentioned.
But in truth, there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think about him. I wasn't over his death… Not by a long shot. I wondered if he was proud of how far I'd come, or proud of how far I'd made it without him. Wondering if he admired the strength and the courage I had in me to keep pushing forward.
I finished the rest of my orange juice, allowing it to burn down my throat, shutting off my thoughts, as I turned my attention back to Fizz.
"The Sicilian Mafia will help us to find a suitable woman for you," Fizz stated matter-of-factly. "A suitable woman for the family… A suitable woman for business. We should contact them, and discuss the necessary arrangements that we need to put in place. Evelina was never the right woman for you, bro. She never understood you, never connected with you. Came on too strong, was more of a burden than anything. It was just forceful feelings." He drifted off his sentence. "Maybe the right woman for you is right here… In Italy. In your home town."
I let out a low chuckle, amused at Fizz's comments, knowing that there was no right woman for me at all. No right woman for a man who carried so much baggage, who was so emotionally unavailable, shut off from the world. No right woman for mafioso, a man who killed countless people, collected debts, destroyed people's lives by selling them drugs.
Me and Evelina didn't work out, but it wasn't because of her. It was because of me, and my own fucked-up insecurities. Feeling the need to fuck other women countlessly, despite already having a woman at home. Feeling the need to ruin every good thing that happened to me in my life.
Evelina was a good woman, never put a foot wrong. Respected me, obeyed me, was the perfect fucking wife.
But I guessed I didn't want perfect. I wanted someone just as emotionally fucked-up and damaged as I was. Somebody just as broken as I was…
Somebody that I could relate to.
Be each other's remedies.
Somebody that I could feel a connection with. Share intimacy with, and not feel the need to run to whores. Be faithful to.
Somebody who knew what a monster I was…
But didn't hate me for it.
Accepted the reality.
Thrived in my environment…
Didn't want me to change.
I chuckled to myself, amused.
I guessed I was asking for too much from the girl I wanted.
I guessed I was asking for the impossible.
I trailed off of my thoughts, before turning back to Fizz.
"You're right, bro," I admitted, shrugging. "It is time for me to settle down. We'll go and meet the family in a few days… See any possible women that they could have lined up."
Fizz nodded in approval. We both walked off from the terrace, and made our way back into the apartment.
"That's all good…" Fizz grinned. "So tonight, we may as well have our last night of fun before we go wife hunting for you."
I laughed in response. "What do you have in mind?"
"Let's go down to the casino tonight," he said, with his hands on his hips. "Put in some money, see how much more we can make… See which one of us loses more than the other. And get blind drunk while we're at it."
I laughed, amused. I couldn't remember the last time that I went to a casino.
"Sounds like a plan, bro," I agreed, grinning.
Wanting to make the most of my last fun days…
Before I would probably have to marry somebody as boring as Evelina, for the sake of the family business.