As I came out, the portal I saw was in a wheat field. I'm pretty sure that I am on a farm somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Wait, that means that really wasn't a boba restaurant was it? Did my dumbass really just get sent to another world? Nah there's no way that's the case. Maybe I've been transported to a farm in the south or something. I know that doesn't make any sense but it's slightly more believable than going to an entirely new dimension. Maybe the CIA set this up, using innocent college boys as test subjects to try their transportation technology and hired child labor to lure people in. The first thing I do is check to make sure I got all my stuff on me. Glasses check, backpack from school check, copy of the U.S. Constitution in my back pocket, check. I then realize Will is nowhere to be seen. Did we get separated when we went through that portal? I hope nothing bad happened to him, like I entered somewhere safe and he fell from the sky or something. He could also be nearby so I decided to call out.
"WILLLLLL. YOU HERE? WHERE ARE YOU!" I yell.
I don't get a response.
All I can see is wheat. Well that isn't true. I could see something in the distance. In the mountains looks like a castle and a bunch of faces on the side of the mountain? I can't really tell. I have to get out of here so I start walking. After what felt like an hour I finally found a road, well, at least a dirt road. I guess I'm nowhere near civilization. I keep walking and I eventually see a village? That's weird, it looks like a medieval town or one of those towns out of a fantasy game. If I'm in the middle of a renaissance fair they did a really good job. These people look so authentic. They really look like poor peasants. I keep getting weird glances and I see a sign that says 'tavern' in crudely written white letters. If I go in there maybe I can figure out where the heck Will is.
I enter and see a bunch of wooden tables with a bartender working behind his table serving peasants drinks. I'm still getting weird looks. I really must be in the South because they are acting like they have never seen a black person before. Wait, maybe I really am in an alternate world. There is only one way to find out. If these people are just cosplayers then I'm gonna make them break their role, otherwise I'll know for sure I'm in an alternate world. I stand on the nearest table and yell:
"I LOVE TRUMP. MAGA. HEIL HITLER."
I follow up with the nazi salute.
I wait to see if anyone will attack me on sight by either shooting me or throwing a molotov cocktail but nothing happens. There's only an awkward silence with me on top of a table and a whole tavern looking at me. After what felt like a minute they slowly started talking amongst each other again. I get down and go to the barkeep. Jesus I really am in an alternate world, everything that the loli goddess talked about must be real. Oh no how am I going to finish my homework? Then I realize that I won't have to pay off college loans and I start to feel better. The bartender approaches. He's a muscular man with a bald head and a black goatee.
"Ugh what can I get you foreigner"? he asks.
I didn't realize I had to order something. That must be why everyone is looking at me funny. They must all think I'm a foreigner.
"Yeah, do you have any grape juice?" I ask.
He gives me the juice and I chug it. It is freaking awful. It tastes like what I imagine bleach mixed with diarrhea must taste like. I stop drinking and overhear some guys next to me start to talk about something.
"I really hope this adventurer the lord brought in kills that monster. If I lose any more crops then I'm not going to be able to pay tribute this month," he utters.
"Don't worry I heard the Lord brought in a tamer. She's supposed to be really powerful or something like that," his friend next to him says.
"Yeah but we don't even know what the monster looks like. All we know is that it destroys crops and livestock. If you ask me they should have sent more than one of those adventurers. Or even better yet why didn't they send in some imperial troops?"
"I heard it was because they needed to protect the capital from that magical quake that happened earlier today," his friend explains.
I don't really know what they're talking about. Magical quakes? Tamer? Adventurer? Imperial troops? I decide to ask the bartender if he has seen Will.
"Hey buff man, have you seen a skinny looking guy? Is really sarcastic, name's William and looks foreign like me?" I ask.
"No, I haven't seen anyone like that. Does he also yell at everyone in a tavern?" he grunts, annoyed.
"Nah that's just me. Plus it was a one time deal so don't worry."
I guess screaming at a tavern's customers is kinda rude.
"If your friend is anywhere I would go check the capital. But be careful, the monster that's been attacking our village hasn't been slain yet" he tells me.
"Where's the capital?"
"It's in the distance in the mountains. You know, where the big castle is. Can't miss it."
Looks like I'm gonna have to go on a freaking hike to get to some capital in the distance for the slight chance that Will is there. Well I got nothing better to do and I better try to find Will before I starve to death. Oh sh*t, how am I gonna pay for this nasty a** drink I ordered? They definitely don't have a chip reader.
"Hey I gotta relieve myself or else I'm sh*tting on your floor," I declare.
"Ugh, why'd you have to say that second part? The outhouse is in the front. Please use it, come back, pay, and never ever come to my tavern again."
I leave and bypass the outhouse, heading to the castle in the mountains. You see, I lied. I did not have to use the bathroom, I just wanted to get out of there to avoid paying. I'm an evil genius. I'm at the outskirts of the village about to make my way to the capital where I see two guys in weird demon looking masks with knives robbing a girl.
"Come on baby, show me what you got. If you don't got the money, then you can give us some of the other goods if you catch my drift," one of them says.
The other one starts laughing. Oh hell nah I ain't getting involved with this sh*t.
"Please help me," she screams.
Her eyes meet mine. Oh no, am I socially obligated to try to help her? I looked around to see if there was anyone else who could help but it's just me. Great and I can't walk past them because they're in the way and I don't want to go into the mud off the road.
"I can't hear you!" I shout.
"Then how come you responded?" she yells back.
One of the guys hits her in the stomach, making her collapse. I can't stand by. I would regret it all the way to the capital and I'm sure these guys are going to try to rob me now.
"Hehehehe. You really should have walked away, foreigner. Your clothes truly are strange, I bet they're worth a lot of money" one of them said to me.
Alright, looks like I'm gonna have to eat ass and kick bubblegum. That's the saying, right? Sounds about right.
"Alright square up!" I yell.
I took some boxing lessons in college and I'm sure none of that is gonna help. If I'm gonna die then I can say I died in a cool way. Suddenly I hear a voice call from behind.
"I HEAR THE CRIES OF A BEAUTIFUL CREATURE. I HAVE COME TO RESCUE THEE."
I turn around and bear witness to a guy in black knight armor. Except, this guy has a beer belly because the middle section of his armor protrudes outwards. It makes him look like he's pregnant.
"Get out of here, fatso, unless you wanna die too. I know there's no knight that fat," one of them growls.
"Heh. You fiends don't know who you're messing with. I am Imperial Knight Luther! I am a master of the blade, have two girlfriends, both like sex."
"........." says everyone.
Is that like a status symbol here or something?
"....What?" say both of the thieves.
That sentence was as weird for me as it was for everyone else.
"Fiends, I shall harm you for hurting the most beautiful creature in the world; the female. You two should be on your knees praising the very ground she walks on. I shall end you both here for such a heinous crime," the fat knight swears.
I don't really know what's happening right now but I can't look away now. It's amazing but I can't describe how. I feel a gust of wind which makes me close my eyes. I open them again and see that he's behind one of the thieves. The fat guy can move quickly. He draws out what I think is a samurai sword?
"Fiend. Do you not know that all women are QUEENS! DEMON BLADE FIRST FIRE CONFIGURATION!"
His sword lights on freaking fire. He slices the thief in the back, igniting the man like he was shot with a flamethrower. He screams, rolling on the ground.
"Brother!" the second one hollers. He rushes toward the fat knight.
"You too shall fall by my demon blade. DEMON BLADE SECOND FIRE CONFIGURATION!"
His sword lights on fire again and the fire flies off his sword toward the thief. He too is set on fire. Both run and scream until the flames consume them. The air smells like burnt bbq.
"Good God," I utter.
The knight ignores me and goes up to the girl.
"My lady, I have saved you from those heinous thieves. Would you do me the honor of becoming my third girlfriend"? He questions.
With a shocked and confused expression the girl replies,
"Um, I have a boyfriend, but thank you for saving me".
"Please my queen, you can leave him. Only I have the demon blade to protect you."
"No, no I'm ok. I'm gonna leave now, ok?"
She frantically runs back toward the village.
I don't really know what just happened. On no now this guy is looking at me. I think things are only going to get weirder from here.