17
Faruq
You can do it. You need to let her move on. Both of you should
I dealt with mine, it is up to you now to deal with yours
Those were the words from the Doctor that kept playing in my head over and over again as I drove away from her office and was headed no where as I had no destination in mind. I already took a day off because of therapy.
But where do I start from? How do I tell Haleema we needed to let go of each other? Hell, I was not even sure I could let go but the therapy has opened my eyes to the truth. We are siblings and there was nothing anyone can do about it. But I love her and hurting her was the last thing I wanted to do. Oh God help me I prayed inwardly.
The session was very helpful. The Doctor was very good at what she does and I was looking forward for another visit not because of the therapy alone but because something in me was trying to get to know her.
The Ringing of my phone revived me from my thoughts. I did not know how I managed to stay on track while driving and thinking.
I checked the phone to see Ridwan calling.
"Yoh man, where are you?"
"What is it?" I asked instead of answering his question.
"What kind of therapy was that? I mean, have you forgotten we need to share the wedding invites for Zayyad? I have been waiting for you" He sounded annoyed.
"God, I am sorry. Where are you and I will be there soon" I apologized.
Zayyad was getting married and being his best friends, we were left with the task of making sure it was successful but I had forgotten entirely.
"We are at the fish house" Ridwan said before hanging up. Fish house was where we kept some fishes for our joint fish farming.
I scoffed as I changed bearing and headed to where they were. I was supposed to get married before them but everything changed. Now Zayyad was getting married, then Ridwan in two months time.
"God, you look stressed instead of relaxed, why is that" Zayyad commented as I reached them.
"He was coming from a therapy" Ridwan replied as if that was reason enough to look stress.
"But doesn't stress defeat the purpose of the therapy? It is supposed to make him feel relaxed not the other way round" Zayyad said. They were discussing me like I wasn't there.
"Look, today's session was great. We did four hours instead of one and boy! It was wonderful" I informed them remembering how the Doctor's voice was calming to the nerves.
"What happened to those?" I asked as I point at the fish lying in one of the ponds.
"I think the pond is polluted. Even the plantkins have stopped coming out but I was thinking of calling Dr Nura, he will tell us better" Zayyad answered.
"Planktons not kins" Ridwan corrected and I chuckled. He never seemed to get the name right.
"But before he arrives, I think we should transfer them to the other ponds" I suggested.
"No, if we do that and they really are polluted, it will affect the other ones. Let just wait" Ridwan said.
"Fine then" I replied and signed. I felt exhausted. We walked to the main entrance and sat down.
"So, what actually happened" Zayyad whom I knew was dying for information asked.
"I don't know how to explain it but it felt like I was hypnotized.. I answered all of the Doctor's questions and she opened my eyes to reality...I...need to break up with her" I said slowly and they understood.
"Look, you guys stopped having a relationship the moment you knew you were siblings.. We told you several times and a day will come when you will definitely have to let her go" Zayyad said sadly.
"I know but I don't want to hurt her..I have never loved anyone the way I love her..I don't want to upset her, not even for a bit" I said my voice breaking. I hate being vulnerable but I couldn't control my pains.
"You have to do it..it is the only way" Ridwan said looking me in the eye. I nodded but checked my phone when I heard a notification sound. It was a message from Haleema.
Is everything alright?..I have been expecting your call Her message read.
Yea everything is fine. I will call you later, yeh? I quickly texted back.
"That was her" I informed them.
"You should go see her.. Haleema is a smart girl. She will understand" Zayyad said.
"But she is stubborn. I don't know how to start.. Who among you will go with me?" I asked looking at them.
"There is Zayyad invites to give out remember? I will do the Job without you" Ridwan said quickly and stood up.
"And I have to go see Dad, he called earlier" Zayyad also said.
"Yea, such great friends abandoning another friend in need" I said sarcastically as I rolled my eyes at their flimsy excuses. "Wish me luck" I said and I meant it. I needed luck if I wanted to face Haleema.
"Good luck!" The said in unison.
"But there is something else" I said and they all turned to look at me.
"I think I like that Doctor..I don't know why but I really want to get to know her" I told them but both of them said nothing except for two surprised pairs of eyes looking at me.
"Yoh guys, say something" I almost yelled.
"One thing at a time please" Ridwan said.
"I just hope you don't go and fucked up when you see Haleema..Try and keep your mouth shut about that Doctor" Zayyad advised.
I signed as we both walked out. I hopped into my car and drove to Haleema's house. My hands were sweaty and I was feeling nervous.
I was going to end things with her. For good. Not that it was what I wanted but we were left with no choice. We will have to maintain a sibling relationship.
It was already late in the evening when I got to the house. I didn't even call to let her know I was coming. The security guard was there to let me in. He was already aware of the happenings as he always looked at me with pity when ever I visit.
I sighted Haleema even before I got down from the car. I wondered what she was doing there. She was seated, alone at their garden looking right ahead.. Staring at nothing.
She didn't noticed me even when I went close to her. She seemed lost.
"Hey there" I called out to her.
"Hey back" she answered as she raised her head to look at me. She looked pale with swollen eyes.
"What are you doing out here" I asked looking around. It was late evening and there was no one there but her.
"Jabir was here" she stated. I heard my heart beating in my chest and I had to sit. I knew he was in love with Haleema but when I heard he was dating Jiddah, I almost ran mad. I thought he was trying to get back at me because of Haleema but I came to live with it especially when he was about getting married to Jiddah.
"Jabir was here" she repeated.
"Yea, I heard you the first time" I answered.
"And is that all you can say?" She almost yelled at me then puffed and shook her head. She doesn't seem angry, which scares me. She seemed not like her.
"How has therapy been going?" She asked me.
"It was great. Zainab is really helpful"
"Zainab?" She then looked up at me.
My heart sank. Why did I call her Zainab. What did I do. It was not like the Doctor and I had anything going. It was a mistake. I almost slapped myself. And Zayyad had warned me.
"I'm mean Doctor...."
"It okay. I know why you've been avoiding my calls now, it is because of Zainab" She said with such viciousness I never knew existed.
"Haleema listen, what we are doing is wrong, we need to move on. Destiny was cruel to us but as Muslims we need to accept it, Good or bad"
"Oh please shut it" She yelled and stood up. "When did you become a preacher? It is not even up to a year since this messed up happened and you have moved on? Because of a therapist?. I should have known better"
"Haleema what do you want me to do? What do you want us to do? We can never marry. We are siblings for goodness sake" I stood and try to reason with her which I knew, I was making a terrible job out of it.
"I don't care! You promised to love me no matter what!.. You told me you will never love someone else apart from me!..But just six month.. six month and you are seeing someone else!. You. Are. Pathetic and I hate you" She hissed and just ran away from me.
"Haleema stop!" I shouted after her but she didn't even turn.
"Damn!" I yelled and punched at an invisible wall. I fucked up. Again.
I got back into my car and drove home at full speed. I didn't care if I had an accident or not. The last thing I wanted was to hurt her. She was everything to me. Always has been. I kept dialling her number but it kept going to voicemail. I was lucky she didn't even blocked me.
****************************
I got home after Isha prayer. There was nobody at the living room so I went straight to Ammi's room. She was praying when I got there so I sat on the bed to wait for her.
My mind went back to Haleema. You are pathetic and I hate you she had said and she was right. I was pathetic. Who else think of another person in the midst of all the drama?. I felt terrible. I was a terrible person. How could I live with myself knowing she hates me?.
"Are you alright?" I raised my head to Ammi's voice. She was standing above me and holding my shoulder with her left hand and her rosary with the right hand.
"No Ammi, I am not" I stated honestly. "She hates me. She..she said I am pathetic because I ended things with her today" And I felt myself crying. No one has ever made me cry but ever since the stuff about us started, I have been crying like a child. I hate to see her hurt.
Ammi hugged my head to her chest and gently pat me on the back as I cried. The last time I let her hug me was the day we moved to kano. I was barely eight.
"You did the right thing..You guys have to realize you are siblings not lovers" She said
"But why Ammi, why?" I asked after she let me go and sat on the bed near me. "Why couldn't you stay? Why couldn't you sacrifice a bit of your happiness and stayed for both of our sakes? Look what divorce did to us Ammi. It destroyed us and even those close to us"
"Faruq, I am sorry, I truly am. I regret my actions every single day. I was a terrible mum I know and I am sorry. Please forgive me" she said as tears began to fall from her eyes. "All I want right now is for Haleema to forgive me. To give me audience. I know I can't change what I did but let her just see me..Let me talk to her" Ammi continued.
"She won't see me too or even return my calls" I told her.
"Let just keep hoping. She is a smart girl. I hope she understands and forgives me" Ammi said with genuine concern.
"I am going to my room" I said and went out.
I met Jiddah at the dinning table alone eating.
"Bring my food to my room" I instructed her before heading to my quarters. I succeeded in pulling my shirt over my head when I heard the knock.
"Come in" I said and Jiddah head popped in before her entire body came into the room. She was holding a tray.
"Put it over there" I said gesturing to a side table with my hand and turned to my drawer flipping through it for a vest.
"Brother..." Jiddah started to say but I interupted her.
"Please not now..I am not in the mood" I said.
"Please how is she?" She asked but I ignored her. "I heard your discussion with Ammi..Haleema is getting worst right?" She pushed further.
I signed and sat on my bed facing her. She was leaning on the wall.
"Not worst, she is upset and confused. There is too much her brain could take. Am scared she might lose it and instead of helping her, I made it worst" I signed.
"There is nothing you could have done, sooner or later, you guys have to break up and start afresh as siblings. I am sorry" Jiddah said
"It is alright Maijiddah. Thanks for your concern" I said feeling a bit better.
She made to go out and then stop to look at me.
"Is everything alright?" I asked looking at her.
"Do you think I should marry Jabir?" She asked nervously twisting her fingers and I noticed her knuckles turning white.
"Why" I couldn't help but asked.
"I think..I think he is still in love with her. He always wanted her but I came in between them..He never loved me" She confessed.
I raised a brow, demanding an explanation. I was not comprehending what she was saying.
"You know how Jabir was with her, but I fell for him. I told her and all of a sudden, he asked me out. Something still tells me she was behide that but she won't admit it. Now all your plans have collapsed and if not for me, I am sure Jabir would have used the opportunity to marry her" She explained.
This was news to me. I thought he was with Jiddah because he could not have Haleema. When I was with her earlier, she told me Jabir was there and she knew about his engagement. It means he wasn't there to get her back, he was there to say goodbye. Damn!! I hope she was okay.
"Look, don't bring negetivity or doubt into your heart ok? As long as he doesn't say otherwise, keep praying and hoping for the best. Happy engagement darling, I am sorry I was not there" I smiled and pinch her cheeks lightly. She smiled and went out.
My concern was for Haleema. How do I reach her? What do I do to make her feel better? She wasn't picking up my calls. Ya Allah, take care of her I prayed. That was all I could do.