It was nothing more than meaningless thought. This mundane meandering only served to keep her mind company, as if to not let her own consciousness be swallowed up into the void.
The void. That term meant essentially nothing. It was simply a concept understood to be a deterrent to those who have nothing to live for. To humans, there was nothing more fearful than the idea of an unknown, endless eternity.
The very thought sent shivers down her spine. But that reaction had also served as a reminder that albeit a husk of what she was supposed to be, she was still human at the end of the day. This affirmation made the frail young woman scoff at herself. As she gazed upon her ghostly frame within the mirror, she couldn't help but feel pity. Her arms had laid at her side, almost unnaturally lifting her right arm to brush away a part of her unkempt hair out of her face.
Getting a good look at herself, she stared into her own red eyes, slowly examining her features. Her eyes scanned up and down from her messy hair, to the red flower hair pin she always wore, to her reliable white t-shirt, down to the bandages that covered both her wrists.
She then simply sighed and stumbled back to her safehaven. As the soles of her feet made contact with the cold hardwood floor beneath her, she remembered just how much she disliked the feeling of being alive. She hated being able to feel her toes against the floor of her own home. She hated looking at this sorry excuse of a human being in the mirror. And she hated every single moment she was awake, alive and breathing.
The only comfort she had to look forward to was her bed. Of course, it was only natural. Maybe it was the only thing that kept her attached to her humanity. This was the place of dreams, after all. An escape from reality. Once she had laid comfortably within the confines of her blanket, all she had to do was close her eyes, and that would be it.
Death.
Or so she had hoped. If only it were that easy. This lonely girl was what one would refer to as a "dreamer." Whenever she would enter a state of deep sleep, vivid, unimaginable dreams would begin to rush through her mind. These dreams could range from scenes undistinguishable from real life, to events that had already occurred in the past, to elaborate and nonsensical movie plots that only she could understand, and even to long, long dreams that felt like an entirely separate lifetime.
Those dreams in particular were the worst. This poor girl already felt as if her actual life was enough suffering; why would she enjoy living yet another life involuntarily? It made her sick to her stomach. Although she felt as if her dreams were the only thing keeping her alive as they were something to look forward to, she's begun to feel as if it would be better if she never dreamt in the first place.
So, the young woman hoped for nothingness when she closed her eyes. A pitch black darkness, the same kind of void that sent shivers down her spine moments earlier. To long for something that makes you uncomfortable; just how hopeless can one get? Nonetheless, she wished for it all the same.
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xxx
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To her dismay, her wish did not come true. Of course, it was foolish to think you could influence your subconsciousness just by trying to think of something else. If that were the case, then maybe people wouldn't make such horrible decisions.
As the girl drifted to sleep, a dream slowly began to materialize before her. It was a dream of the past; she knew all too well what the scene before her was depicting.
"...syn!"
She stared blankly into the distance.
"Helsyn!"
The girl then turned her head, making eye contact with her mother, who had always seemed to be raising her voice for seemingly no reason. It was also at this moment when the background of the dream had become clear as day. It was home.
The girl sighed before turning her head towards the window, where her gaze was initially.
"What."
She had responded in that monotone voice she always had, slightly disgruntled. Her mother knew her daughter, of course, and thought nothing of her brutish nature.
"Come and eat, you haven't eaten all day, you know..."
The way she spoke made it clear that her efforts would be futile. The slight intonation of pleading in her voice was a sign that this was not the first time this exact scenario had occurred.
Helsyn, pretending to appeal to her mother, took a quick glance at the plate of food presented to her before once again averting her gaze.
"I'm not hungry."
Upon hearing these words, Helsyn's mother made a sorrowful, worried expression. She didn't know whether to keep pushing her daughter to eat, or if she should simply believe her obvious lies.
"Then I'll leave this here for you. If you feel hungry, you'll have something to eat."
She opted for the same route she always had chosen. Helsyn wouldn't touch her food, but once in a while, there would be bits and pieces missing from her plate. After all, the poor girl needed a way to survive one way or another.
Helsyn made no further comments or reactions, as she had already gone through this many times before. Her mother looked up and down at her emaciated body, her arms and legs appearing as almost nothing but bone. The very sight was enough to nearly bring her to tears, but she turned around and left the room before her daughter could see such weakness.
Once she was gone and out of sight, Helsyn looked at where her mother had just stood, in front of her door. She fixed her gaze onto that specific area, and continued to blink mindlessly. What was running through this young girl's mind at this moment was unbeknownst to anyone but her. Maybe it was guilt, or anger, or a longing want for her mother to continue her incessant nagging. Either way, it didn't matter anymore.
That was the dream. There was no subliminal meaning to it, absolutely no significance behind it whatsoever. It was simply a memory from Helsyn's childhood that replayed over and over, as if to remind her of the life she left behind.
The difference between then and now, is the fact that Helsyn is alone, with no one to make sure she's doing well. She took solace in this fact; she harbored no contempt towards her mother, but valued the sound of silence. It made her feel at peace, knowing that no "outside sources" would come and intrude on her safe space.
That is, until one of Helsyn's kind neighbors would come knocking on her door, supplying her with bread, fruits, and other basic necessities. It seemed as if Helsyn could never escape from the confines of society— or rather, people. Even though she made an effort to move to a remote village on the outskirts of Vindyr, she could not run away from the kindness shown to her.
There was no trauma, no past experiences that could explain why this girl lives such an empty life. This is just the way she chose to live, the way she 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘴 to live. Helsyn was simply Helsyn, and so, she lived selfishly.
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xxx
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As the remnants of her dream began to fade away, something strange began to form in the peripherals of her vision. She couldn't quite make out what it was, but a bright light soon overtook her mind. Helsyn had figured this to be one of her strange dreams again, and thought nothing of it. That is, until she felt a strange feeling tug away at her.
At one point, there was an empty void. Then, in another moment, there was some kind of gate, or a wormhole, opening up slowly and expanding, as if to devour everything in its wake. It was at this moment that Helsyn began to panic.
The feeling was unlike anything she had ever felt before. It felt as if her entire being was being pulled away from her, like her very life essence was being sucked out from her body.
A nightmare. Of course, it had to be a nightmare. Slowly but surely, the massive hole continued to absorb Helsyn's very soul right before her eyes. She had thought to herself— "Ah... finally. It's finally over." This was all she wanted for so long. To no longer exist. And now, some supernatural phenomena had come to take her away to nothingness. She was elated, but at the same time, afraid.
The one thing Helsyn valued about herself was her individuality. Her ability to stay true to herself and do what she had wanted. In a way, she felt "proud" of being able to lead a life unique to her, but experiencing the feeling of your own existence being taken away from you was... an excruciating pain unlike one she had ever felt before.
The bliss had quickly turned into a desperate cry for help. She didn't want to lose herself. This girl, who wanted nothing more than to die, clung onto the life she thought nothing special of. It was not as if she wanted to live, but this feeling of having her soul ripped out of her body made her realize a singular fact: this was not what she wanted at all.
The torture continued for what seemed like an eternity. This... wormhole, and Helsyn, playing an intense game of tug-o-war, until one of them would eventually give up. She had never put in so much effort and desperation into something in her entire life. But alas, she was only human; she couldn't hold on forever.
Slowly, Helsyn felt what little was left of her own being slip away from her hands, bit by bit, until there was nothing left. She watched as her essence left her body for good, reaching out to no avail. All that was left was an empty husk. She was no longer capable of thought nor feeling. She was trapped within this shell of a body, in a state of "death."
It was not as if she was conscious. But, it's not like she was unconscious either. Helsyn still remained alive, inside her body. She simply laid dormant, as if she were asleep without dreaming, forever.