VALTARA
Lies. My whole life has been built upon lies. I don't know who or what I am anymore. Not that I understood a lot, but still. The revelations run through my head repeatedly, in an endless loop. The guilt on Ora's face, the pain in my father's, and the confusion on my brother's haunt me. The truth is I don't know what to do with myself. I knew I was peculiar, but a whole other species? That seems like a stretch. Do I look any different?
I stare at my reflection again, and it feels like I'm looking at a familiar stranger. My features are the same, but something about my skin looks different, brighter as if a soft golden glow was now caressing its surface. The color of my eyes seems to be the same, but if you look closer, golden flecks now dance there. My hair looks shinier, but the updo is messier than before. My figure remains the same, and although not much has changed, I don't recognize myself. I'm lost in my own skin, and I don't know if I can bear to stare at myself much longer.
I look away, and my eyes are drawn like magnets to the drawer Ora mentioned: more questions, more changes. A part of me is dying to search for the diary, to devour every single word my mom wished to say to me but couldn't; the other part is just overwhelmed. Even though I'm mad at her, Ora might have been right, this is too much, and I probably wouldn't have handled it better at 13.
I take a deep breath and reach for the drawer. It opens with difficulty, as if it has been years since anyone touched it. A small and leathered notebook lies there, a layer of dust covers the old thing, but I can clearly distinguish the same symbol that now decorates the pit of my stomach. I take it, and a sizzle of energy goes through me. I don't know how or why, but I recognize this, or at least the feeling of it. It reminds me of… home, of her. A tear threatens to escape my eyes, but I refuse to let it fall, so I throw my head back, breathe deeply, and clean the corner of my eye. I recompose myself and look down.
The diary seems to thrum with my touch, and when I open it, it starts glowing, and the very fabric of my being sings in response. A sense of fulfillment washes all over me, and I watch in wonder as I read the inscription on the first page.
"Valtara:
If you are reading this, it means I did not get the chance to explain everything to you as I would have wanted. I'm deeply sorry that, for whatever reason, I won't be able to guide you. I hope the experiences I have written about here will give you some insight and help you get through all the trials that lie in front of you. I know there will be many, but I'm sure you've got what it takes to face them.
I love you today, tomorrow, and all the days that will follow.
Your mother,
Espara."
I feel my throat tightening and decide I can't do this to myself with just a few minutes to spare before the ball begins, so I put the diary in one of the hidden pockets of my dress and return my gaze to the mirror. I take the powder Ora mentioned and touch myself up. I breathe deeply in and out. I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be. So, I just get up and head out of the studio, prepared to face my new life in every sense of the word.
----
My brother is waiting for me just outside the ballroom back doors, from where I'm supposed to make my grand entrance. He seems tense and worried. I know this blindsided him too.
– Is everything ready? – I ask him. His eyes don't leave my face, searching it for any sign of the turmoil wrecking me, but I show nothing.
– Are you…? Well, not okay, but more settled now? – he asks, hesitant
– I don't even know anymore. – I sigh – But we can't postpone this, and I'm determined to get through it.
– We are going to get through this. You are not alone, bug, ever. – I'm pretty sure we are no longer just talking about the ball.
The knot in my throat tightens, and I nod once. By the Gods, old age is turning me into a crybaby. I inhale and exhale slowly. The moment I've been fearing and daydreaming about, the day I officially become an adult, is finally here, and even though my life is nothing like it was two hours ago, I'm excited to take the reins of it, determined to do so. Answers will come sooner rather than later.
My brother takes my arm to guide me towards the ballroom, and as he opens the door and everyone stares at me, I'm convinced there is nothing I can't take on, whatever it is, if my brother is right beside me. I will figure all of this out, we will figure it out, and everything will be okay.
---
The ballroom is exquisite tonight. The chandeliers are glowing softly, as are the centerpieces of each table made with a crystal bowl and adorned with a small candle, some aromatic herbs, and a bit of gold powder inside. The whole color scheme is the green of my father's house mixed with the specks of gold that now swim in my eyes. As I look in awe, I'm sure that the golden color is in honor of my mother and my sun heritage, and I don't know how to feel about it. I love it, but at the same time, it painfully reminds me that my father and Ora never uttered a word to me about it. They… lied. An omission is a lie. I decide to dwell on those details tomorrow since, right now, hundreds of people demand my attention, so I perform as I've done countless times before. Although none of the other times have been like this, I had never been the one directly under the spotlight. It's overwhelming, but I rise to it, as I've been groomed to do my whole life.
– Lord Saxum Amberan and Lord Malden Herrald Amberan have the honor to present for the first time Lady Valtara Solis Amberan. Heir to the Amberan estate and lands, the future head of this State and household. – An envoy from the elder council says as my brother guides me towards the table of honor where my father is already positioned in front of the left seat.
My brother helps me go up the small platform where the main table is. My father's eyes glisten with pride as he takes my hand and kisses the back of it, and even though I still feel… betrayed, I can't help but smile at him. He adores us; the sun rises and sets with us; if he could, he would gift us the world. He has been a wonderful parent, and I know I shouldn't be this upset. It's dumb, and I can't help it, but I am willing to put it all behind us. Family comes first, always.
My brother stands behind the seat to my right and smiles at me. I smile at him and turn to confront our guests, the tables full of important people; politicians, witches, healers, public servants, etc. All here to meet me officially. All here to evaluate if I am worthy of the position I will inherit and to ensure I select an appropriate suitor to court. I nod in the direction of the envoy and smile.
– Thank you, everyone, for coming here. I am equally delighted and honored. I know this is only the beginning of my journey, but rest assured that I will do everything and anything in my power to become the leader our people need and deserve. – I say as firmly as possible
Everyone claps excited, the energy in the room almost electric, and I'm happy, truly happy, until my gaze catches a pair of icy blue eyes at the entrance.
– Come on, everyone! Let's start the feist! – my father says
Everyone takes a seat, everyone but me and the stranger by the door. I can't speak, I can't think, I can't move. I'm frozen in place as the handsome stranger with black hair, creamy skin, and piercing eyes move towards me.
– To Lady Valtara Solis Amberan! – my brother chants as he raises his glass towards the room. Everyone answers with their own cheer and glasses held up high.
I could swear I'd seen him before. His features seem severe, and his stance is confident, exuding cockiness and an aura of power that would make most tremble, but I'm not most. I can't quite place his face until he smirks and raises his glass towards me. Right then and there, it dawns upon me because those eyes, those are the eyes I saw before I lost my mother forever. Those are the eyes that have hunted me for the past 20 years in my memories and nightmares. Those eyes took everything from me, and now… I'm sure that they are here to snatch away everything else.
A panicked look crosses my face; he knows I know, and he is relishing in it.