It's an early Saturday morning and I've tossed and turned more times than I'm able to count . I don't know why I feel so restless ...It's only 05:00 AM and I didn't get much sleep the previous night . Believe me when I say I'm exhausted but I'm also wide awake and rejuvenated. Weird I know , this morning feels super weird . I'm laying in bed almost unconsciously, fighting with my heartbeat to beat just a little slower because I can't keep up and it's tiring . As I'm listening to the heavy beat of my heart and a mind that's surprisingly quiet for the first time I can only wish for time to pass . I know I won't be able to sleep further so I just wait for the right time to finally get up , but I'm held back and every bone in my body refuses to get out of bed . I have the urge to get out of bed but something stronger keeps pushing me back . So I let time pass until I hear my mother's phone ring louder than it ever has . It's still super early in the morning so I wonder who could be calling at this time , people don't usually call at all . My mother immediately wakes up and answers her phone .... My heart is running a mile at this point . I just don't understand why I feel so uneasy for no reason . "Hello ..." she answers half asleep . I'm sitting straight up with my elbow sinked into my pillow out of curiosity. As much as I'm hoping to hear a hello in return and wishing that this is just a normal call my hopes and wishes instantly lets me down . All we hear is a long quiet pause on the line until we hear the worst sound to any humans ear . The loudest cries and uncontrollable sobbing . No words just pure heart aching sobbing sounds . "Charlotte? " my mom answers . "What's wrong ?Did something happen to one of the boys ?" . At this point I already knew the answer but I needed to hear my aunt answer . " He didn't make it ... he left us , his gone Michie " My mom answers back "Who ? one of the boys ?" but I didn't need Charlotte to answer that because I already knew it wasn't one of her boys . I've been feeling this all morning . She answers my mom :" Shane left us , I'm laying with my head on his chest , but he left Michie , my brother's heart isn't beating " . She continues speaking in riddles because of the shock but I haven't heard a word she spoke since she started crying the first time . I'm still sitting in bed ..but this time as straight as Humpty Dumpty ... the paralysed version of him . I cannot feel a bone in my body but I move like a ghost to the bathroom , I'm pretty sure I looked like a ghost as well . I closed the door and fought with my mind . I refuse to believe the most heartbreaking truth I just heard . I look at myself in the mirror but all I see is a blur reflection of myself . My hearts still beating fast but added to that I can feel my blood rushing and heat speeding from my head to my toes . My eyes stand still and I don't know if I should cry , continue to not believe what I know or run .. I would choose to run if I could feel my legs but I can't feel my body as a matter of fact . My head starts to spin so I sit down on the edge of the bathtub . I hold my head as if it's about to explode , I've never had so many soldiers fight a war inside my brain yet still lose . My tears start rolling down my cheeks . But I still feel nothing , my tears are rolling down my cheeks and the bathtub is probably filled with that same tears as well . For the first time in life I felt like I didn't have a heart , I didn't know what to feel or maybe I was just too shocked to do anything at that moment . My brain wasn't sending signals to my body either . I only had myself to pick up . So I sat for a while longer ...feeling as blank as a page . As lost as a child without their father at a busy crossroad . After a while I'm back on my bed ...I'm not really sure how I got back . Maybe I walked back the same way as I got there ... like a ghost . But I'm not conscious enough to know the answer . I'm not sure whether or not I fell asleep or whether or not I'm still awake . I know I went back to the bathroom and washed my face with cold water . After that someone made a few more phone calls on our behalf . So I got ready , myself and my sister . I believe my grandmother's brother promised to fetch us and take us before my father's body was fetched . I wanted to run myself because the speed of the car would be too slow , but I know I would get tired after some time . I waited and waited for our driver just for him to phone and say he couldn't make it . I was upset but every emotion I had couldn't be felt because the devastation was stronger than any other . The devastation overpowered all other emotions . My other aunt made a few more calls because we had no transport available at home . Aunt's , uncle's ,ministers and every other call was made . But at the time we needed the people who promised to be there whenever we needed them ....they chose to let us down . Does anyone even keep promises in this life ? Or is it just something that people play with the same way they play with love ? At this point I knew it would be the second disappointment to my early morning . Everything was too much to process and I just wanted to run to him ... but it wasn't realistic if he's two hours away from me ...it's not realistic if his completely away from me now . So I turn to my pillow knowing nobody would save me today , I knew nobody could save me because nobody was willing to even try . I buried my head in my pillow wanting to scream but only silent cries for help and helplessness came out . Everything was taken away from me . I didn't know how I had it , all I knew was that I've never cried like this before . I woke up probably and hour or two later . Feeling as if someone kidnapped me and hit me over the head with a heavy object .I held the back of my head because it was too sore to lift up from the pillow so I needed some support . Suddenly the room was filled with apologies , condolences and every other death formality that people usually do . I guess I was still too disappointed to react to anyone . So I walked pass everyone as if I was blind and couldn't see them . Straight to the fridge to grab some cold water . I drank my water and stood in silence and disbelief . Then I heard someone say that they came to fetch his body . All over again I became numb . They took hours to fetch his body, they were late to fetch his body and in that hours I still couldn't make it to him . My cousin came and embraced me , I didn't want an embrace , I wanted someone to take me to him . I was helpless and helpless people cannot do anything . Somehow she got me to cry , the real type of cry , the ugly cry . I screamed and mumbled gibberish ... I remember her saying "Awww 🥺Shame man Cassie , it's okay ,everything's gonna be ok " . Was it ever though ? Is it ever ? Would it ever be ? Fighting against her embrace I cried while saying " I want to see him , I have to see him , I need to go ...I must see him . Please ,help me " still it was too late . My cousin managed to calm me like she always has , all my life she's been like my older sister , so I surrendered in her arms , she tried to stop me from shaking and crying . I still wanted to run to him though , I wanted to find the vehicle his body was in and stop it , I needed him to sit up straight so I could hug him . I needed that father figure , that fatherly hug . I longed for it at this moment . I listened to her heartbeat as she consoled me , I was trying to make my heart quiet , I wanted to match my heartbeat to her heartbeat so that I could calm down . As time passed by I could feel my body calming down a little and my sniffling becoming slower and softer . After she let me go I went to the bathroom to wet my face with cold water again . I looked in the mirror and my face was as white as snow , no sign of life , I sounded like a quiet night and looked like a sky with no clouds . My eyes were swollen and I'm surprised that I was able to see a little . My eyes were basically glued together , like looking through blinds but too afraid to open it too wide . My veins were visible on my forehead and my entire being felt heavy . I walked outside to the line to dry the remaining clothes I had washed the previous day . Hiding my face with the laundry over my shoulder because I looked like a beaten up zombie . Looking at everyone's sympathetic smiles and listening to everyone's "are you okays ?". I folded and packed away the clean clothes and it was getting late . I got offered a meal but I couldn't eat , my throat was probably sore as well anyway . I didn't want to chew or swallow any food . I just wanted to sleep . I felt bad because I didn't embrace my mother or my sister , but I wasn't in the right position to console them . When I looked at them I saw him , the two of them where two quarters of our quarter .²/⁴ I don't know much of that day . Only that I went to bed and pretended to sleep . After everyone else fell asleep because of the tiredness of all the cries I layed on my back . Stared at the blank ceiling and had so many flashbacks of the years we didn't spend together . But I held onto the little moments we had . The moments as follows : When he once visited myself and my sister late at night , we were probably about 6 years old , in our pink pajamas . I remember my grandma and mom played cards on the bed until he called her to say he was Infront of the gate and brought some takeaways . I remember the smell of his coffee , everybody knows what coffee smells like , but to me it had an extra smell because he liked it a certain way and the smell connected to him . I remember exactly how he liked his coffee... 4 sugar , 2 coffee , black and hot . Sometimes milk but seldomly . I remember his favourite tracksuit pants , not the usual material , a navy blue puma tracksuit pants with a rain tracksuit type of material , black T-shirts and fancy sneakers . I remember his favourite grey zip up hoodie with black skulls all over them . He had style and if we lived together since the beginning I would probably have all his T- shirts and hoodies in my closet and wear them as "oversized " clothes because that's always in style and it's comfortable as well. I remember his scent ... he always smelled like Nivea men body lotion . I hear the sound of his laugh and I hear the weird but also cute and funny names he used to call me and my sister . " Koekoes " he used to call her . She said she hated it but I'm sure she didn't . Some days I still tease her by calling her the name he used to call her . I remember cold rainy days when he waited outside to pick us up for school , all the songs that he used to play on our way to school , the same playlist over and over . With the last song that really sticked to me . We always arrived near the ending of this specific song . (All of me - by John Legend ) I remember that I was always the only one between my sister and younger cousin to cry at the schools gate when he dropped us off . I wasn't naughty , I guess I just wanted that moment to continue a little longer because I knew I never saw him enough , while he worked at times and never lived with us I was only lucky to see him a few mornings . So I wanted to drive on with no destination , just the windows down and his favourite music playlist blasting . Singing together and laughing at things that weren't actually funny . I remember the smell of his car /taxi type of vehicle . The smell of petrol in the air , everyone knows what it smells like but to me it smelled different because it was connected to him , just like the coffee , the clothes and the Nivea body lotion . I remember the first time I went near him , as short and young as I was I stepped on his feet with mine, I think he was about to go home . He wore his dad jeans and sneakers ofcourse with probably a black T-shirt . While he lifted each leg to move towards the gate I held on to his legs with my feet on his feet . He laughed and said that he had to go but he also said :"Thank you Cassie ...for making me feel like a daddy today " I never took it to heart because I was young and innocent ,but now I understand exactly what he meant . I remember his favourite food place being KFC and how now and then he surprised us with Hot wings or the KFC meatballs , french fries and strawberry milkshake after school when he picked us up . I'm sure the KFC worker predicted his order before the time because it was so predictable but yet we never got tired of eating it . I remember the first time we visited him in hospital and that was also the first time that I've ever seen him in a hospital gown ...on a hospital bed . We cried so much we had to remove our masks because it was soaking wet . He still laughed and had a memorable conversation with us . Gave us all his fruits that he's supposed to eat , and when it was time to leave him and go home I was angry at myself again . We don't have too many memories with him because we weren't together for the majority of times . But I hold on to the little memories that I do have . I guess that's why the things that seem so insignificant was so significant to me . Because it was a once in a lifetime chance I got . I remember the first few weeks before he passed away , it was the first time again that I've seen him after all those years . It was a day after our sixteenth birthday when he arrived at my aunt's place , I wasn't aware that he was coming so when I saw him with ....you guessed right , a blue puma tracksuit pants , a black T-Shirt and black Air Force 1s . He stood in the door and I froze on the spot . I didn't know whether I should smile or scold him , cry or run away because I was angry that he abandoned us for another few years ."Hello Cassie " he said softly with a smile and the same to my sister "Hello Kim" . We could only manage to say "Hi" with eyes probably as wide as a football pool . He asked for a hug once we reached the kitchen , I was angry and everyone who planned this was staring at us . So he gave me a sideways hug and I moved my arm slightly but couldn't get it in me to embrace him , my arm and hands were rather inches away from his back . That day I sat in the room on my own with my thoughts as usual . Until later that afternoon I pulled myself together and sat with them all at the dining area. We ate together , said a few words because I felt new to all this and wished for the awkwardness to be less the next day . Two days later it was Christmas, by then we had a few more chats and less awkwardness , but I was still afraid to get too close in case I got attached to him and incase he decided to leave us again . We had the first real meal together, all the Christmas specialties and a beautifully decorated table , red and gold and all the festive colours . Delicious food and drinks . Words of wisdom from him , it was weird , as if he knew it was his last words and he'd leave us forever this time . But I still listened and everyone shared a part of themselves , what they thankful for and so on . Got to know each other better and now and then shared some laughter . Speeches were made and photos were taken , while I was laughed at because I wasn't "photogenic " ... I'm sure those photos of me looks funny if I can only find them . The table was filled and the presence was felt . The only missing person was my mother . Ofcourse I zoned out during some of the speeches and in between eating periods to think of her and I wished that she was here as well. That cold personality of me finally got heated up a little . But I still had so many questions in my head I wanted him to answer , I just didn't want to ruin the moment for anyone so I ignored myself . I wish this picture was completed with my mom here as well and best believe me I would become photogenic and laugh endlessly and gladly take all the photos and videos he wanted to take . Why was this moment missing for 16 years of my life ? Why can't moments last forever ? . I guess I'll never know . I remember a few days after that when he woke me up saying that he had to go home to fetch some clothes and necessities but I shouldn't worry because he promised that he would be back when I wake up again . But he always broke promises so how was I to believe him ? So we all got up in that early morning and decided to take a walk with him to the bus stop ...ten people walking one person to the bus stop . That must've been a famous feeling 😃. I still see the light of the sunrise on his face , making his silver necklace shine and brightening his navy blue puma pants and t-shirt . I remember his voice and his words and the pace of his steps . When we reached he waved at us and said bye , but I didn't return his bye because I didn't want to . If I said bye then there was a possibility that he wouldn't come back later . I sat and watched a show that we've been watching together for the past few days ..." Chicago Fire " it's my sisters favourite show and apparently it was his as well . Till I felt a shadow blocking the sun and the TV and I looked up and he came back . I was shocked , surprised and happy at the same time because he came back for the first time . After the next few days it was time for us to leave , to go back home to our mom because we missed her and I'm sure she missed us too . He fell asleep because I guess he was tired and our lift took forever to pick us up . Once the lift arrived I didn't want to wake him , I wanted him to rest and didn't want to disturb him ...or maybe I just wanted him to feel exactly how we felt all these years . Maybe I wanted to leave without saying goodbye so that when he woke up he could just see that we gone . Maybe I was just too sad to drive away and see his reflection waving goodbye in the rear view mirror . But I wasn't bad at all , I could never do to him what he did to us . I never wanted him to feel the way we always felt or to question each other's actions . So I sent one of the little girls to wake him up and tell him that we leaving . We spoke for a little while and side hugged and then we parted ways once again . When will I ever see him again ? ofcourse I could see his image in the rear view mirror but this time he wasn't waving goodbye , just like I never waved goodbye , I guess he finally felt the way we felt . He knew this wasn't goodbye yet , he hoped for another day , just one more day like I always used to say to myself each time he left . He pretended to put on a smile so that none of us saw the tears of departure in each other's eyes . A few more months passed by in the new year until we finally met again . It was his nephews baby's first birthday party when he picked us up again . But this time he looked different . He wore a white bucket hat , a red and navy blue Nike tracksuit jacket ,black air forces and I can't remember what else . My mom prepared the curry and onion salad that he requested for . They ate before we left for the party but the words between us was little . I guess everytime we left and came back we had even less to say to each other . Maybe our emotions were felt by each other instead because it was a repeated pattern . I caught him looking into my mother's eyes as he added some salad on top of his favourite food that he requested for the last time . Bean curry with strong onion salad . He said nothing but his eyes and heart said everything to the three of us. We drove and to my surprise he still loves music alot 🥺😊 this time though , just like his clothes and his appearance , his music also changed . The music was different but ofcourse I fell in love with this type of music as well because he tended to answer or speak to us through the lyrics of each song he played . Before driving he asked "Where's Cassie ? Where's Kim ?" while looking at his rear view mirror . He wanted to make sure that we were really there before we all drove off . As if it was too good to be true . Too hard to believe that we were in each other's midst again ,under that same roof . I felt the same everytime he left ...."Is it true ? What did I do ? Where did he go ? When will he come back ? . Anyways . I listened to every word of the songs he played . I was reminiscing and it was like Déjà Vu . My heart wanted him to play the songs he played for us during our primary school years . Perhaps I wanted to hear All of me by John Legend , but it never played . Did he forget about it ? or does he listen to it alone like I do when he's not with us ? just to think back and relive those memories . We spent almost the entire day together and each memory of that day was special , as if the sun was shining on our every action . It was like a movie , but every movie ends . I could rewatch it over and over but I want to relive it and not just admire from afar . I wish our lives were like every other family who were together twenty four seven . But it wasn't and I've learned to live with it . I was tired and fell asleep in his car , I managed to slip away from the party . Rude I know , but I couldn't help myself besides it was probably just five year old kids and younger dancing and having fun . Living life like I wished I could when I was their age . I would've rather spended it like I did with him and my sister , alone in the car and catching up , soaking up every moment . Talking until someone knocked on the window each time to disturb , but that's okay because the conversations continued once they left . He asked so many questions about our lives and didn't give us much chance to question him as well . I could see he was upset for everything we had to endure and for the life we still endure at the hands of other people because he left us at birth . He was upset with himself and wished he could change things , I guess he was genuinely willing to change at this time . But what's done cannot be undone . So I assured him that he did great , I didn't really believe myself but I wanted him to believe that , I assure him that we forgave him long time ago , this part was true . I'm not sure if he was enlightened but the conversation we had definitely sparked him up a little , his heart was much lighter . So it was time to leave ....again . We drove in the dark , this darkness was the only thing I hated . With music , different than what I was used to hearing from him . But I've learned to accept everything in life . I'm sure he wanted to buy more time just like we wanted to as well and the fact that the drive was very long , hours ...worked in our favour . So he made very excuse to stop as much as he could , he stopped at a local restaurant and ordered Gatsby's , luckily I didn't eat at the party so I was starving , kiddy parties doesn't exactly have real food . We ate with the car door open , light from the shop shining in , meeting a few local people and every boy that came to high five or greet us got a death stare from him . "Is that what our lives were supposed to be like ? " We bonded a bit until it was time to drive further because it was extremely late and dark and my mommy shouldn't worry about us . When we arrived at our front gate every bone in my body felt weak once again , not the good type of weak or numbness , the helpless type instead . This time he didn't leave the car to say goodbye to the people inside of the house . I sat still in the car while everybody else ran inside to greet the family , I had to get out . So they filled my hands with things for the other kids in the house and I was just multitasking with all the stuff I had to keep . I stopped to admire the beautiful picture of my sister wrapping her arms around him , I remembered he laughed because she was short and he was sitting in the car so she had to stand on her toes to hug him through the window . I ran in to put everything down inside the house and before anyone came back to the car I ran back as soon as I could . He got out of the car to greet me , I still see the bright lights of the cars headlights shining on us as he hugged me for the very last time . Time stood still and I could already feel the distance , I felt the feeling that I wished I buried a long time ago . But the moment seemed angelic , it was heavenly . The only problem is that ... I didn't exactly embrace him back . I wish I still had all the party things in my hand as an excuse but there was no excuse. I honestly didn't want him to leave again , because I don't know when I'd see him again and I knew that if I didn't say goodbye then I'd definitely see him again . But this time I proved my intuition wrong ...because I really didn't see him again . This was the last day I spent with him and I hate myself for not hugging him tighter than ever . I always blame myself for eveything . Now coffee doesn't taste and smell the same , the smell of petrol makes me feel sick . I avoid Nivea body lotion . That outfit isn't swag anymore and puma never looks good anymore . I'd rather wear slippers than wear sneakers . I wish no child ever cries infront of a school gate . I'm not as fond of hugs anymore or maybe I hug people much more now . Parties don't excite me . Music doesn't make me feel as good as it used to , the meanings of the lyrics mean nothing to me .I avoid certain conversations. A Gatsby isn't delicious anymore . I could go on and on about this . I had so much to show him , he was supposed to teach me how to drive because he was the greatest driver according to me , he was supposed to teach me much more about cars , changing tires and the best engines ,horsepowers , which rims suits which car better , which systems will be the best . He was supposed to see me matriculate . We were supposed to play PlayStation together , match outfits sometimes just for fun , take lots of pictures . He was supposed to see me become successful and independent in life . He was supposed to see that i was still willing to take care of him when he would reach his oldest age .I would allow him to teach me so many things and I would teach him what I learned so far , he was supposed to see my whole life ahead of me atleast till I'm 50 years old , that's rare but it was my wish . Who's going to witness all of it now ? Who's gonna teach me all of it now ? Who do I show everything I wanted to show him to ? I hope he knows that deep down I always wanted everything to be fixed , I always wanted to create the life for all of us that he couldn't . I wanted to watch movies and make fun of everything . I wanted to find so much more good songs to listen to . I wanted to sit in more parking lots and watch the pigeons eat and fly . I wanted to watch the continuation of the new toy story that we started on the screen of his car. I wanted us to buy many more CD's to watch . So whenever I learn something that a dad's supposed to teach his daughter , I'll surely think of him . But what I am looking forward to though .... is the day that I get to hug him tightly in heaven . I hope he knows that I always loved him no matter what and that I still do . I hope heaven is filled with his laughter and that he sings songs of joy with the angels . I miss him so dearly and always think of him . Especially at night time and I'll always listen to All of Me by John Legend . I always replay our memories and he is forgiven . I want him to enjoy his time in that beautiful garden with the rest of our loved ones . {Coz all of me loves all of you , all your perfect imperfections . You're my end and my beginning , even when I lose I'm winning , coz I'd give you all of me . You're my muse, my rhythm . } Until we meet again and never have to say Goodbye ,until then I'll be alright .❤️