I've been counting the days ...every hour ,minute and second of every single day . The more days pass the lonelier I feel. What's life without my childhood best friend ? Why are the people who are closest to us always taken away from us ? Nothing will ever be the same .
{MUCH LATER THAT NIGHT }
Today felt like one of the longest days I've ever lived . I never wished for a day to end as much as I have today . I sigh heavily and unwind from this long day . I fall onto my bed and lay still for a while . I usually admire the sky before I sleep...but tonight is different . Tonight's sky is sad , its extremely dark , its cold ,I see no shooting stars and they don't twinkle like they always do . I feel exactly like the sky right now . So I decide to stare at my blank ceiling instead ...What if I painted the most prettiest stars on my ceiling ? What if I made them almost 3D and used the brightest colours ? What if i make them look like shooting stars and comforting to look at ? Maybe then I could turn something sad into something soothing . Maybe I should depend on my creation and know that anything is possible . I lie awake with the silence of the world , and I can't help but realize just how much I miss my best friend, i look forward to the night but I feel every emotion more and more each night . If he were here ...would we have something planned for tomorrow? Would we both look forward to play games the next day and tell each other the deepest secrets that nobody else knows . Would we be going on a drive later and sing to every song that plays on the radio . Would we speak about the future and the family plans we want to fulfill . My tears start to roll down my cheeks , but I wipe them immediately because tough boys don't cry . However they roll down my cheeks again and I think ... maybe my tears and emotions are tougher than me . Maybe its time that I learned to accept and feel everything my heart wants to feel . Maybe my tears are showing me that its okay to not be okay at times . That its okay to feel weak because feeling weak is the strongest thing you can do . Feeling weak is the only way to feel strong . This won't make sense for some time because I still have so much to learn . I lie awake , staring at my ceiling with an imagination of a beautiful sky and soft music playing in my ears . I get flashbacks of every single memory we shared together . All the secrets , the plans ,the laughter , craziness and places that we visited together and of courseĀ that beautiful face of my childhood best friend that I miss so dearly . People keep telling me it gets better ...but a wounded heart isn't in the position to look at things positively ...and thats okay at times . I'm stubborn I know, I avoid everyone who tries to keep me motivated but I know how to deal with myself . I've lost so much so its difficult to stay motivated . But in the end everything works out , our creator never allows his creation to suffer . I close my eyes and listen to the lyrics of the song , I see all the memories of all these years , I see his face , I allow myself to sit with my feelings and until then ...I guess I'm falling asleep . My body feels as light as a feather , my heart feels healed , I feel happy and everything feels a little more familiar . I feel like I'm floating . All I see are bright lights , beautiful colors and beautiful people .Ā I look up and see the most beautifully painted sky , not like the ones on earth . The ones on earth are beautiful but this one exceeds that beauty . It's the most beautiful shade of blue , soft clouds , a rainbow so bright that I couldn't stare for too long , different color lenses and the prettiest birds , chirping and singing joyfully in the sky . People , plants , animals and everything in general are one . They all get along and they all look so happy . The place is so safe that I feel like ...if this is a dream I never want to wake up from it . So I start strolling on the green grass , I move around a tree and feel everything I see , so soft ,comforting and beautiful. Until ... I see a bench and someone sitting on the bench . I can only see the back of this person , but this figure looks very familiar . I move closer and touch his shoulder and he slowly turns around . I laugh and cry at the same time , this is my best friend , we embrace and I cry in his arms , he pulls me away and wipes my tears with a smile on his face . He opens his mouth to speak and says :"Shh, I was always here , I never left , I'm always in your midst " I'm shocked and I look down at his hands , I notice his holding a candle .Ā I look around and see everyone else holding a candle as well . I didn't note that the first time , I notice that everyone's candles are lit except his . I ask him :" Why are everyone's candles lit and not yours ?" He answers:" Because everytime you cry , your tears puts the spark of my candle out , every time you allow your heart to be heavy , my candle gets too heavy for me to hold , and
everytime you sigh heavily , the wind of your heavy breath blows out the light of my candle " I raise my eyebrows in confusion and ask : "But why ? How? I don't understand" He answers : "thats because you always sad that I'm not not with you , you always too hard on yourself and blame yourself for everything , you always think you can fix things that are out of your control . But I want you to realize that I never left you , infact I'm in a much better place , a place so warm and loving , a place that makes me happy . But how can I stay happy when my brother is sad on the other side ? How can my candle stay burning bright when my brother is feeling blue ? So I beg of you , see the brighter side of this picture , flip the page and look at the picture on the right side , I'm happy . I need you to be happy . This month is a holy month for us , pray and intercede on my behalf , do it for everyone we've lost along the way . Make a way for us and I'll make a way for you so that one day when the end is near , we can enjoy this garden together , we can watch the sky and drink tea if you'd like , we can have conversations just like the olden days . But we can still do it everyday . Whenever you miss me and your heart longs for me , breathe in ... close your eyes and you'll see my face . Then breathe out ...but don't exhale too harshly because you have to keep my candle burning remember. So then exhale and know that I'm always near , you not alone , not even for a second of the day . I follow you all the way , I see ,hear, feel and know everything . I'm all up in your business .So take a long drive because I love looking at the beautiful scenes through your window, play our music loudly because I enjoy listening to it . Sing without holding back , sing the wrong lyrics because I'm singing with you . And yes ,Ā I'm laughing at us too . Eat the delicious meal mom and dad prepares . Have you ever wondered why you finish your food so quickly ?" I smile and he continues : "thats because I enjoy every meal with you , from the same plate that you eat from . Laugh as loud as you want , because your laugh makes me laugh even louder . Meet new people and speak to everyone , because i participate in all your conversations. You just don't see me because you believe that I'm gone , but I never left . Pray 5 times a day , because I'm beside you , praying together with you to our heavenly father .He is great , and great people do great things . So never doubt anything in life . Don't feel held back . Be the one who you always were because I never changed . Be weird , make prank calls , sing in the shower , tell me how your day went ,compliment a stranger,work hard , never give up ,take care of yourself . And remember, stay positive . I feel good in heaven if you're positive and happy on earth . Know that God only does things if he has a purpose for us . Trust in him and lean not unto your own understanding . Leave everything in his hands, don't fix it yourself . Sure , I know you don't like to sit back and relax , so you have permission to help and participate, but do so knowing that God has everything under control . I can't explain how great he is . You should know this. Everything that's been taken away from you on earth is only making space for things that are far better . You have plans for yourself , your family and your future ...but believe me , the plans that God is working on will exceed your plans and expectations . God takes the ugliness of this world and turns it into beauty. Everything he touches becomes magical . The place where I am in is magical . The way he protected us all our lives was done magically . Our whole childhood together was painted by him ...magically . I am magical . You are magic . Now lighten up bestie , lets paint the town with crazy colours , let's live like everyday depends on us because it does . Take me to new places , don't cry because I never left . Remember my face , think of me or say my name ...and then believe . I will be here , when you sad I'll embrace you . Tell me every single detail because I'm listening . Make me proud , make us proud . Make our families proud . You can do this, I believe in you and know that your future is filled with beauty . Be patient, things will be the same again , even better . Give hugs and kisses, all my greetings to the family , take care of mom and dad ,protect the sisters but remember yourself . You are important too . I'll be walking beside you , helping you with everything that you do. " We both smiled and he gave me an embrace , kisses on both of my cheeks and a brotherly pat on my back . Now I know , I was and am never alone . My childhood best friend is happy , I should be too and he is always near .This was the greatest visit in heaven . Which I look forward to one day .