Life

The longer I live the more unhappy I am with myself. Putting on the same joyful facade that everything will be fine and that it matters, but it doesn't I'm living a lie acting nice to people I don't like and mean to people I do I don't know why I do it I just do it I don't know if that's the real me or if I'm just playing a role that I made a persona I don't care if I have bad grades no money or even a place to live I just don't want to be alone yet I keep pushing people away,

a weird attempt at being an extrovert or something but when I'm alone I just think to myself and when I do I get sad that I'm a disappointment I'm not normal why I can't just fit in that I'm the kid you invite to events out of some pitiful excuse for an action made by me but the worst part is that I don't know if that's even me I want to be. I'm the kid that the group walks in front of not looking back unless I say something, pushed under the rug unless I make myself known not noticed unless I say or do something eye-catching.

Filling my head with science and maths I won't need or use making jokes on the subjects no one gets because they don't pay attention to the subjects themselves. I feel like I'm being left outside alone in the rain and it's suffocating. I am lucky that I have the things I do but why do I still feel so alone and empty the more I think about it the more I feel alone and left in the dark cave that is sadness and I'm the only one feeling it.

I'm not always like this but I'm so indulged in the person I created that I feel like I'm becoming him Thomas the weird kid, the smart one, the stupid one. And I can't decide which ones I want to be because in each one I'm getting judged for flaws and imperfections I have that aren't even the real me but I don't know who I am I could be any one of them but I don't know which one I Want to be I could be smart and try to be the best me possible but will the people around me see me as someone else or the same unchanging person I was, in the beginning, this isn't anyone's fault or maybe it is but it doesn't matter

I just pray to god I can find who I am and who I want to be.. to have myself go to a college to meet new people that I may hate or like or be alone and work for a degree I won't use or trade I might not even like. I could be an entrepreneur or an engineer in my wonderland of amusement but the real question is what will happen to it all after I'm gone will I just be another member of society

forgotten and my existence only known to those passing my grave will I leave all I have to my children or will I even have children, I don't think I will not cause I think I'm undeserving but because I'm unwanted I could stand in people's way and they would walk around no one cares about you unless you benefit them in some way and that's sad it's one of the reasons I hate the concept of politicians

men and women that gain power through the ideas of others but is that it the world could end at any moment before we would even know it because all the people in power even though their power comes from ideas have no reason to care about the ideas of others the fact is that they now have the power, not the people placing their ideas above the ones that put them in power increases the cost of living and the average man runs a race that he can't win

The man is fast but the rising poverty line is faster. The world is going to shit and I don't even know who I am I could do anything the possibility's endless but how do I know to choose the right one how do I know it matters, the choices of me of the man running the race the politicians in power how do we know it matters because we want to live? But if life is just a race to be better than each other until we become something that is not ourselves what are we can we even call ourselves human or are we men competing in a rigged race that always ends the same?

[A.N]

This is my train of thought it was all over the place but it's how I wrote it, thank you for reading if you did I know your on we novel to distract yourselves but sometimes the best thing to do is think.

Again thanks for reading if you did and have a good day.