As someone who has spent countless years doing nothing but reading various books and not having many close relationships, going grocery shopping with a girl after so long was an unusual experience for me.
But it was a welcomed experience, going grocery shopping while trying to fix our relationship was oddly relaxing and took my mind off the homicide case that I would have investigated non-stop if it wasn't for this so I was pretty thankful that she gave me a chance to fix our relationship.
I still couldn't shake off the intense feeling of guilt and regret that I felt whenever I thought back to how I acted before. Why did I act that way? There was surely a reason for everything I did, but I couldn't remember a good reason.
The time was currently 1 in the afternoon, Akibara-san left me alone inside her apartment when her workplace suddenly reached out to her and begged that she would come by quickly.
"Sorry Raku-kun, sounds like it's important."
Her voice rang inside my head, reminding me of the subtle lip bite that she had when she realized that going out for groceries was cancelled and how much she grumbled beneath her breath, even taking the liberty to look away so I wouldn't see but I could hear everything she said perfectly.
She was cursing her superior for ruining something that she was looking forward to. The way she acted got me thinking about myself, and I soon felt uncomfortable in my own skin.
I sat alone in her living room, staring at myself through my reflection on the television in front of me.I couldn't recognize the person looking back at me. My hair was a mess, I had forgotten to fix it myself when I left earlier this morning.
I tried to brush my hair into place, but it still looked messy and disheveled. I tugged at my coat, trying to smooth out the wrinkles, but it still looked sloppy and ill-fitting.
As I looked closer at my reflection, I noticed the dark circles under my eyes and the blemishes on my skin.
"So that's why people kept calling me a raccoon these past years."
I chuckled to myself and averted my gaze to the floor. The only memories that stuck to my mind were the judgemental stares and gossip that happened behind my back when I was still in college.
Teacher's pet, weirdo, nerd, a raccoon, they were just a few of the names I got called back then. It had gotten so bad that by the second year it came by, the library had already become my bedroom.
Thankfully, the teachers had allowed me to sleep in the library from time to time, but I still couldn't escape the feeling that I was being judged even though people stopped caring about my existence by then.
Then there were the moments I spent with Katsuo. He would come by and pour a cup of cold water on my head, which angered me a lot since I usually slept on top of my research papers.
He always said that it was the last time, but he kept repeating it over and over again until I finally moved to the dorm. There were times that he dragged me off to random places, using my intellect to pick up girls since it was apparently hot when you're friends with a smart person.
"What have I gotten myself into," I whispered to myself while staring at the small sketch I made of Akibara-san that I had no idea I was doing until the pencil I was using snapped.
I had ignored her for four years, dismissing her as just another person looking for reasons to make fun of me or belittle me in any way.
But the more I thought about it, the more disgusted I became with myself. Here was someone who had poured their heart out to me, and I had just ignored her like she didn't matter.
I felt like a fraud, a fake detective who couldn't even see the people right in front of him. I wondered how many other connections I had missed, how many other people had reached out to me, and been ignored.
The thought of it made me sick to my stomach. I had always prided myself on my potential of becoming a great detective, but now I felt like a failure. How could I solve other people's problems when I couldn't even see my own mistakes?
I knew that I needed to face my own demons and make things right. But the thought of it was overwhelming, and I didn't know where to start. All I knew was that I couldn't keep ignoring the people who were trying to form a genuine connection with me, no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel.
"Should I... Fix the misunderstanding between us?" I asked myself while massaging my neck.
That was another thing that took up my mind. I couldn't read whether or not she was happy when I asked her out, but her words of genuinely thinking for an answer seemed sincere.
Was it right for me to let her keep thinking I was serious about asking her out? I wouldn't be able to bear it if I hurt her again moments later when I promised I'll try to fix our relationship.
"...I'll just tell her the truth if she says no, if she says yes, then I won't ruin her happiness."
A relationship takes time and understanding. Akibara-san was by no means an ordinary girl, but she wasn't an awful one either.
I could tell from this past few days that she definitely had a soft spot for her friends, but she was still rebellious and would take charge of a situation if she could.
Forming a genuine relationship with her wouldn't be too hard, there are a lot of things I don't know about her still but that also applied to her and she was still willing to give dating me a chance.
"Well, that's assuming she says yes."
If she doesn't then I'll just pass it off as a misunderstanding and ask her sincerely for help, this was about the murder of her friend so I'm sure she'll help me if asked nicely.
Satisfied with my train of thought, I stood up and realized that I had left my suitcase in her house earlier this morning.
"Did I really leave that here?" I muttered to myself as I reached out to pick it up, and to my surprise, it was opened with nothing inside but a note.
'I thought that you'd be staying over for a while because of the case, so I placed your clothes inside the drawers underneath the TV, nice boxers btw :D'
"Today is just filled with embarrassing moments." I groaned to myself and looked around the house, wondering what I could do to make up for her hospitality.
Her job must have been difficult. There was dust accumulating on top of the shelves and drawers as far as I could see. Or maybe she was cleaning, but I could just see the leftover dust thanks to our height difference.
Even so, I need to repay back in any way possible.
"Heyyy, Sorry for the wait, Raku-kun!"
Akibara-san hollered the moment she opened the door and stared at me in an apologetic look before giving me a confused stare.
The current time was 5 pm, a perfect reasonable time to finish work and be at home to prepare for dinner on that following night.
"Welcome home." I greeted back while taking a slow sip on the cup of espresso that I had just brewed not too long ago and placed my feet on top of the coffee table.
On the table were a few lavender-scented candles that I had bought from a nearby convenience store to lessen the strong ammonia smell earlier when I had cleaned the bathroom.
"What are you doing."
"Relaxing, I had a tiring day of cleaning the entire house while waiting for you."
"Well, yeah, I can see that, but... Why, though?"
I closed the files that I was reading and set them down in front of me, "A thank you for your hospitality of course, I can't just leech off of you for free now can't I."
"Well, thanks, I guess? But you didn't have to clean everything." Akibara-san whispered as he set her purse down right next to me and walked straight to the bathroom.
"You even cleaned behind the toilet. Weren't there any spiders?"
"A lot. It looked like you were intentionally letting them build a civilization back there." I deadpanned at her before standing up.
I had already taken a bath earlier and wore a simple light blue button-up shirt with some black pants that my father had given me.
"Should I wait for you to get dressed?"
"Hmm? For what?"
"We're going out to do some groceries, aren't we? The store might close soon so we better hurry." I reminded her while glancing at the clock.
"We can always go for takeout, too."
"Nope, we're eating your food." She immediately shut down the idea and slammed the door to her bedroom shut.
I rubbed the back of my neck and whistled wistfully.
"Am I doing good?"
I wonder.