A week had passed since the night at the theatre. There was no trace or news of Lars, who had been missing ever since. Alice's mother and Alice herself had been informed about what went down. However, they appeared to be in a stubborn state of blind denial.
"Yes, Lars can get a bit forward when he's had champagne but if something really happened I suspect he wasn't entirely unprovoked either", Mikaelas words. It had not helped for Thomas to aggressively hiss at her that Liv was sixteen, with literal marks on her body to prove her non-consent.
Two times, counting this one, Thomas had gone to see Liv at her and Arvid's mother's place. It was a suburban, small villa which he had been visiting regularly from childhood up until recently, when Arvid went to Strasbourg.
Now, just like the last time, Liv did not want to talk to him, let alone look at him. He sat on an uncomfortable wooden chair in her room, opposite from where she was lying on top of the covers on her bed. She was barely recognisable, all tired and sick-looking in a huge black Nirvana t-shirt he knew belonged to Arvid.
The first term at the gymnasium was supposed to have started five days ago but she had been excused for an undecided period of time.
"Hi, Livvy."
"Hi."
The room was warm and bright despite the curtains being drawn, because the September morning sun shone in through the gaps between the fabric and the wall. It was different here from last time, he had observed, which must have been years ago. Instead of posters of hunky football players, Maria's messy sketches hung on the walls. Sketches of Liv, Arvid, herself and some of Liv's friends. Other than that things were mostly scaled off, except for the flag of Liv's team's colours.
"How are you?"
"Amazing", Liv said and rolled her eyes.
"Are you eat..."
"I'm eating."
"And sleeping?"
"I'm sleeping Tommy, get to the point", she snapped.
Avoiding looking at him she laid flat back against her duvet, staring up at the ceiling. Dark circles were clearly visible below her eyes, proving that the statement of her sleeping was with all guarantee a lie.
"Liv... You should... get some help, you know. See a therapist or something."
Liv sighed loudly.
"Seems I already have my very own right here though."
"Please..."
She turned her back at him.
"I understand...", he started, not sure where he was going with it but he never had to find out because she interrupted again.
"Oh yeah? You understand?", she spat, "Your best friend's dad felt you up too?"
These words shocked him. It was the first time she directly accounted in words for what had happened.
"No. That's not what I was trying to..."
"Yeah see now you're trying? Now that I'm a victim you suddenly start showing up. Several guilt-visits a'week. Honestly don't feel obligated, I don't care. You can go back to not being involved in my life at all, in fact I preferred that."
It stung, because she had a point. Ever since Arvid left, Thomas had avoided Liv and Maria like the plague. He could not possibly share his motive either.
"Sure. I'll leave if that's what you want."
He got up from the chair but turned around on the threshold. She stared hatefully at him, raising her hand in a "what now?"- gesture.
"These kinds of things only get better once you start to process them. Pushing it away won't work."
Immediately the feeling of having dropped a precious vase crept up on him. Liv stared at him as if she could not believe what he had said.
"Process?", her voice was shrill, "You think I do anything but processing? I see it again and again. As soon as I close my eyes he's there, t-touching me."
She grimaced. Apologising he walked back inside, cursing himself for having delivered such an ignorant cliche.
"No go ahead, leave. I'd much rather be a whore anyways."
Thomas flinched and took a step back.
"What did you just say?"
Liv gave him an almost wicked little smile, like the ones she used to give him when they were younger and she felt she had outsmarted him in some way. She sat up on the bed and crossed her legs.
"We learned about it in school last year. I can be either the whore or the Madonna - and then I much prefer the whore. No pressure to be pure and perfect when I'm obviously not."
"Now, Liv, I didn't think you had actually lost your mind."
"No, see it just seems everyone else has. To my mom and you, for instance, I'm the Madonna, a pure, holy thing that's been besmirched. To Alice and her mother, on the other hand, I'm a whore, who probably brought it upon herself. I definitely think they are more in the right anyways."
She spoke very clearly and slowly, as if really trying to get him to understand.
"You can't be serious about this... This is you coping."
"Oh no, I've coped already. I mean I definitely see their point. You must see it too, you're thinking it right? I know you are."
"What?", he inquired sternly, increasingly frustrated with all this nonsense she was spitting out. "That I'm so disgusting that I got my best friend's dad to want to fuck me."
After having said this she drew her breath and seemed to realise what she had actually said. Now it was she who had dropped the vase. Thomas had gone really pale and clenched his jaw.
"You need so much help, god, can't you hear yourself!?"
Liv shook her head and got up from the bed, starting towards the door, colliding with him on the threshold because he had not moved. Thomas tilted her chin up, locking her tearful dark-brown eyes with his own.
"I will never forgive you if you believe one word of what you just said. You hear me?"
She paled a little, his demeanour clearly frightening her.
"Fuck off Thomas! I couldn't fucking care less", she spat and he stepped aside to let her leave but to his surprise she did not dart out, instead, she curled up in agony and he took her shaking hands in his, sinking down to the floor with her.
After just a few moments the collar of his sweatshirt was soaked with her tears. Her face had found it's place in the nook between his throat and shoulder again and he held her, lying in his lap.
"Do you think I'm disgusting?"
The words cut into him worse than any blade could.
"Never Liv."
"I've never felt this disgusting and it doesn't go away."
"I'm so sorry."
He touched the back of her head with his palm lightly.
"Please tell me what to do", she breathed.
"You don't do anything just now. You just be until something feels different."
"Different?"
"Better."
"I'm thinking it never will."
"Why?"
Liv was silent a while.
"Because when I go back to school Alice'll be there. And he's apparently gone away and I know no one believes me and think I was asking for it. Wilma won't talk to me either so she's picked her side too", she mumbled bitterly.
"You know it's not about sides here. It's about the truth and we both know it. Your mom knows it, Arvid knows it. I bet they know it too, they just can't deal with it. They deny to cope, Livs."
Thomas wasn't sure she was listening. Her head had tipped back and she was staring blankly at the ceiling, her hands still in his. It was quiet for some time. The sun was setting outside.