"It's quite hot outside," I thought as I walked alone down the school hallway, which was packed with students heading back home.
"Rina-chan, would you like to join us? We're going to karaoke with our classmates and Takumi is also coming along, so..."
"Oh my god, is he coming? Why didn't you start with that? Of course, I'll be coming," Rina replied eagerly.
As an introvert, I have always found it hard to make friends. Whenever I do make an effort to connect with someone, it seems like they always end up letting me down. They don't show up when they say they will, they cancel plans at the last minute, or they simply disappear without explanation.
"Hey, Sakamoto was cheating. I'm sure there's no way he's that good at chess," I overheard someone say.
"You're damn right, Ryouske. You just cleared my doubts," another person replied.
It's like I'm invisible to the world, like nobody cares about me or what I have to say. I feel like I'm constantly on the outside looking in, watching other people enjoy their friendships while I'm left alone.
It's hard not to feel resentful towards the world when it seems like everyone else has it so easy. They have friends to rely on, to confide in, to share their joys and sorrows with. Meanwhile, I'm left to navigate this world on my own.
It's not just the disappointment of failed friendships that gets to me, it's the loneliness that comes with it. It's the feeling of being isolated and disconnected from the rest of humanity. It's the feeling that nobody understands me, that nobody cares about what I'm going through.
"I hear there's going to be a big function at school at the end of the month,"
"Are you serious? Oh my god, I have to buy lots of clothes then. Let's go shopping right now"
I wish I could say that things will get better, that someday I'll find the friends I've been looking for. But the truth is, I don't know if that will ever happen. Maybe I'm just not cut out for friendship, maybe I'm destined to live a lonely and isolated life.
It's a depressing thought, but it's one that I can't ignore. I'm tired of trying to connect with people, only to be disappointed time and time again. I'm tired of feeling like an outsider, like I don't belong in this world.
"Man, Kazuya, you saved me quite the big time there. Coach was going to kill me if he heard I was busy spending time with my girlfriend instead of training,"
"Don't mention it, after all, that's what friends do, right?"
So yes, friendship sucks. It's a cruel reminder of my own inadequacies, of my inability to connect with others. And while I wish I could say that there's hope for the future, I can't make any promises. All I know is that right now, in this moment, I feel more alone than ever.
Rather than following the herd of students down the crowded hallway, I veered off to the left and ascended the stairs. The reason for my detour was simple: our homeroom teacher had summoned me to her classroom to discuss a matter concerning my future. I didn't quite understand the urgency, but I knew that if I failed to attend, she would surely hunt me down.
When I arrived at the third floor, the hallway was mostly deserted, with only a few teachers and staff members lingering about.
In a corner of the teacher's room sat a woman in her thirties, with long, chestnut hair and a stack of papers in hand, which she shuffled through intently.
With a heavy heart, I let out a resigned sigh and announced my arrival. Miss Saika Ibashiro turned to face me, offering a warm smile as she beckoned me over.
Miss Ibashiro was one of the strictest teachers at our school, but at the same time, she cared deeply about the welfare of her students. Though I found her constant nagging about my future and personality a bit annoying, I could never bring myself to dislike her.
A chair had already been arranged for me, and I took a seat opposite Miss Ibashiro. After a final perusal of the papers in her hand, she began to speak.
"Haruto, Have you done what I've asked you to do?"
"I'm still pondering, so to answer your question, no, I have yet to decide," I replied, my tone laced with an air of indifference.
Miss Ibashiro let out a heavy sigh, her disappointment palpable. "Once again, your peculiar attitude, Haruto. I need to know what your plans are for after high school. It's important for you, too."
The future? I had given it some thought, but I didn't believe it was the right time to make a decision. Life-altering choices require careful consideration, and I understood why Miss Ibashiro was worried. She wasn't just lecturing me for no reason.
"Miss Ibashiro, I understand your concerns, but as I mentioned, I have yet to make a definitive decision about my future. To be frank, I don't have any interests beyond graduating from high school."
"But..."
"So, I humbly request that you grant me more time. In return, I promise that when I do make a decision about my future and the career I wish to pursue, I will inform you."
As I spoke, Miss Ibashiro's small blue eyes remained fixed on me, causing me to blush.
"W-what?" I stammered.
She let out a sigh. "Very well, if you say so. Just remember to tell me when you've made a decision, okay?"
"Don't worry, it's not like I'm changing schools. You can catch me anytime you want. If everything's settled, then I'll take my leave."
"No, there's still something else I need to discuss with you," Miss Ibashiro interjected.
As I prepared to leave, her voice stopped me in my tracks.
As I gazed at her, my attention was diverted to a stack of papers and photographs arranged neatly on the table. My body became rigid, and I don't know what expression was on my face. The items on the table brought back unpleasant memories I wanted to forget.
"Haruto, I need to discuss these with you," Miss Ibashiro said, picking up a photo from the stack.
"Haruto?" Her gentle touch on my cheek brought me out of my stupor, and I saw her looking at me with concern.
"I-i'm sorry, Miss. I was a bit shocked to see those things on the table," I stammered.
She accepted my explanation with a strained expression and asked if I was alright. I could tell why she was worried; I wasn't sure what expression I had on my face when I saw the items.
"As you can see, Haruto, I'm worried about you As a teacher and as your aunt. you've been mostly absent during your first year of high school, which is not normal foor any highschooler's. I want to see the Amakawa Haruto in this photo - the one who is still smiling, who is having fun, who will pursue his passions and hobbies."
She paused for a moment before opening her desk drawer and pulling out a golden medal inscribed with "Best Drama Creator's Award."
My mind raced back to the day when my peers and I poured our hearts and souls into the Tokyo drama contest, striving to bring our play to life. The pride and elation that we felt as our school was summoned to the stage to accept the medal still lingered with me. The camaraderie, the laughter, the ceaseless rehearsals - all precious memories that drew me back to that time. But alas, reality tugged me back to the present and forbade me from lingering in the past.
"Haruto, you possess a rare talent as a scriptwriter and director, as evidenced by this remarkable achievement," she exclaimed, beaming at me. "I implore you to join the drama club, where you can form new friendships and also improve your way of life ."
"Huh?" I was surprised by the mention of the drama club.
"I won't take 'no' as an answer," she said firmly.
"But didn't you use 'implore' earlier? Are you saying I don't have a choice?" I asked.
Miss Ibashiro reached out and pinched my cheek hard. "Haruto, you're making me mad," she said, then stifled a small giggle as she let go of my cheek.
"Your parents and teachers are concerned about your future, Haruto. I strongly recommend that you reconsider joining our school drama club. It's a friendly environment where you can grow and learn. Please don't turn down this opportunity," she said.
I couldn't help but think about my parents and how they might see me. Even though I always did well in school, respected them, didn't object to them, and was kind to my siblings, maybe I was still a disappointment to them. It was foolish of me to assume that they were proud of me. It seemed like even my family thought I was strange.
"So are you going to join the drama club????" Miss, Ibashiro with hopeful eyes asked.
I let out a heavy sigh, feeling weighed down by the expectations of those around me.
They all claimed to care about me, but in reality, they were only interested in pushing their own ideals onto me under the guise of "concern." Did they ever consider how I felt about their expectations? No, they did not. They chose to ignore my feelings because they believed they knew what was best for me. It was impossible to convince someone who was convinced they were already right. That was just how things were.
Despite all of this, I did not feel angry. Anger was a foreign feeling to me. In fact, I could not even remember the last time I had genuinely smiled or laughed.
There was one thing in life that I detested more than anything else - hurting other people's feelings. You might ask why I bothered to consider the feelings of those who hurt me, but the answer was simple. If I allowed myself to lose the ability to feel regret for causing others pain, I would lose the last shred of humanity left in me. And then, I could no longer call myself a human being.
So that was why, against my own wishes, I decided to join the drama club.
"Miss Ibashiro, if you believe that is what's best for me, then I shall gladly join the drama club," I said, forcing a smile.
"Really? Thank God. I have to inform Sister about this," Miss Ibashiro, or my aunt, beamed with joy. Seeing her smile, I too felt a small sense of joy.
It was a small achievement for me, who always seemed to disappoint others, to bring a smile to someone's face. Perhaps that was what my life was meant to be - living up to the expectations of others.