The dawn of a new sun drowned out the screams of people in her dreams, and Ellie welcomed the new day with a yawn that would have scared a clicker.
With a groan, she rolled off the mattress on the floor, sitting up with her knees pulled to her chest, glancing over to where Joel glanced back at her - or rather his picture. She had put it up right where he had died, so many months and weeks and even days ago. Ellie had woken up in here so many times now that this memory of a happy, smiling Joel had long displaced that other memory she had of him, the one she still could not face.
She smiled and stared at it a while longer, her thoughts racing as they usually did whenever she was awake.
Her first instinct was to cry, as it usually was, but it was as if her eyes could not decide what she even wanted to cry about. Was it losing Joel? Was it losing Dina? Jackson? Herself?
She had lost so much over the years that she could no longer focus on any single event, they all amalgamated in a slurred and blurry mess she could never quite escape. Things usually got better as the day grew older, but Ellie knew she would fall asleep with the same mixture of sadness and anger that she had awoken with.
A grim smile spread across her face as her mind raced through the many people who would never awake with any sort of feeling again, and her fingers twitched as if she was waiting behind a corner until an unsuspecting asshole walked around it.
No, not quite, that wasn't quite it, Ellie thought. Those fuckers who had no idea she was even there - they hardly mattered. They were numbers more than anything, impossible not to kill unless she somehow royally fucked up. And she never did, it was just a trigger pull, the slightest curl of her index finger before they died. Nothing to it.
But standing there, waiting for those who KNEW she was out somewhere, waiting for those who were so angry to see their friends die, so scared that they might be next - they were the ones Ellie still remembered. Whenever she closed her eyes, she could hear them yelling commands, crying out as they noticed another corpse, or begging for their lives once they were increasingly alone.
She could picture the men she had killed with her knife, and she had vivid memories of hiding explosives under their bodies, a nice little birthday surprise for whoever made the mistake of rolling them over to check if they were still alive. Served them right, for being so stupid, for trying to hold on to their lives that were already lost.
Finally, the tears came to her eyes, but they weren't over the men and women she had killed. They were tears wept over the girl she still remembered, but could no longer see whenever she looked into a broken mirror. The holes, the half-blind shards - they almost perfectly encapsulated how she felt most days, and she was starting to feel more like the pieces that were dull or missing, rather than the ones that still reflected anything.
She cried some more, tears that morphed into a chuckling laughter, and before long, Ellie hung at the metal bar and pulled herself up until her arms could no longer hold her weight. She dropped back down, lying on the floor exhausted, sitting up and dropping herself back down whenever her breath had slowed enough to do it. Her stomach hurt, her muscles ached, but all that was better than not being able to feel herself at all. She welcomed the pain, and she welcomed the loudmouthed judgement of those eternally silenced.
Eventually, Ellie managed to get up and cook some breakfast, one of her last glass jars out of Jackson. Ellie smiled, momentarily transported back into the present, where good men and women worked hard and played hard, probably only just waking up as well after a long night of watching movies and getting drunk.
A part of her missed all that, missed the music and the laughter, and the determination of anyone who lived there, eager to get through their assigned day's work. She missed Dina, missed Maria and Tommy, and all them other folks. She even found herself missing Seth a little, and that made her laugh.
But more than all that, she missed being someone who fit into that community, someone who had a place in between all them. Ellie remembered a time when she had felt like she belonged there, when she had walked those safe streets like someone who pulled more than just her own weight.
For a while, she had done right by them, and the town had done right by her as well. She had called Jackson home, and she had worked hard to make it feel like home. Worked hard, and failed nonetheless, because it had always felt like a mask that she had put on, clothes that she had worn.
For many, Jackson wasn't just home, it was damn near paradise. For many of them, it was a close replica of how they remembered life before the outbreak, and they made sure to keep the memory alive of how everyone once used to be. Schools, movies, books and rules, so many rules. All the bigotry of the old world, too, with Seth just being the visible tip of the iceberg.
So many of them had said nothing, but silently agreed, and Ellie knew what they had all been saying. A shame, to live a free life instead of having children, a disservice to the community that was so dependent on growing a new generation.
But then again, those same voices would have probably wasted no time to run their mouths if she had, in fact, gone down that road, finding one reason or another to complain about every single parental decision she would have made.
Because she had never been made to fit in, not with them, not with anyone. Not with the bigots, nor the weak, and especially not the strong who commanded the weak. She wasn't made to nod and do what anyone told her to, and she was made even less to stand in front and tell other people what THEY should do.
She thought back to David and shuddered, having long realized that in a different world, she could have been him, just like she could now be where Maria had envisioned her, slowly growing into a position of leadership in Jackson.
She could be the one who sent people on patrol by now, and she could have been in charge of everything and anything. She had worked hard enough to forever earn her place in Jackson's young history, resting on her past accomplishments until her end of days.
Until she had thrown it all away, and there was no denying the fact that she had. Eight months away, and life out here had moved on like normal, all but forgetting that she even still existed. Surprising the few people who knew she had even come back, not even Tommy had expected her to survive after this long without a word from her. And really, could she fault them? Of course, she couldn't, she could consider herself fortunate they still let her live out here.
Seeing Dina again had hit her the hardest, seeing her struggle in so many different ways at the sight of her face. Anger, happiness, all stirring into a mixture that tasted of sadness after they talked and realized there was no way back to how things had once been. For her sake, it would have probably been best if Ellie had never returned, never ripped open those wounds that had just about begun to heal.
But that was the thing about Dina, this unwavering strength of hers, this dedication to being good in the face of all the bad. Ellie rubbed the little bracelet on her arm, smiling as she thought about all the happy memories that had connected them in the first place. When she closed her eyes while holding onto it, she could still feel Dina's lips on hers, could still evoke that same feeling of daring excitement when they had kissed in Eugene's basement - back when everything had been so fucked up, yet seemed so calm, so controllable.
She had felt so much in charge of her own life, her own choices, own destiny. Back before everything she had ever loved in life had been stolen from her, or she had given it away in her attempt to make people pay for what they had done.
She waited for Joel to appear to her again, like he normally did, speaking those same last words he had said to her. How he, given the choice to do it all over again, he would have done the same, and would do it all over again. It was such a fleeting moment, such a short memory in the many years they had spent together - but this would always remain the one she would hold closest to her heart. And nobody could take that from her, she suddenly realized, not for as long as she was still breathing.
She would always remember that look in his eyes when she told him she would like to try forgiving him, how a weight seemed to have been lifted from his shoulders. Nobody could take that away from her, not even Abby, not for as long as Ellie still had her own head on her own shoulders.
And really, that was what counted, right? That's why Maria sent supplies up here, that's why Ellie was still a part of Jackson, even though she hadn't set foot back into it apart from that first time. Because Ellie knew that if nothing else, she was still herself, for bad and worse. She wasn't just someone, she was deadly. She was someone who runners were afraid of, and clickers feared. Someone who had seen Bloaters and lived to tell the tale, someone so used to sleeping on the floor that her own bed in Jackson had never managed to feel quite right.
She was, if nothing else, a line of defense, someone who had long lost count of how many men, women and infected she had defended. People in Jackson slept easy because of those who were daring enough to go on patrol - and those who went out on patrol slept a little easier because they knew that Ellie was out here, continuing to lose count.
Maybe, in a different life, she would have been down there, scared at the thought of going outside the town walls. But as things stood, Ellie felt no fear when the sound of approaching footsteps settled into her mind. Winter was on its way out, but there were still patches of ice that could splinter under someone's boots, and mud that could pull on their soles and only give way with a deep smacking sound.
Ellie's mind barely had to strain itself as she ran through her options, realizing at once that death was inevitable today. She was still two weeks away from another patrol bringing her another crate of food, and no one from Jackson would come out this way unless they had a reason. That only left people who had come from the other side, like Abby and her now dead friends once had.
But Ellie knew that things were different now than they had been on that fateful night, that the whole building was locked down tight, fortified and full of traps waiting to be sprung. There was only one way in, only two ways out, and Ellie did not intend to run anywhere today. The first three who could barge in were already dead, and Ellie smiled as she anticipated the smell of the explosives, the sound of the rigged-up shotguns.
If anyone was still alive after that, she stood up here, waiting for them with her rifle, her pistol and her knife. Nobody would even come close enough for her to need her knife, but they didn't know that yet.
"Ellie?"
Ellie blinked, taking more time to process the voice than it would have taken her to ensure the woman outside would never speak up again.
"Ellie, are you in there?"
Ellie couldn't help herself, she had to chuckle as she forced herself to calm down, her breathing to slow. She recognized that voice from Jackson, although she couldn't have said whom it belonged to.
"I'm here! Who's there?"
A brief moment of silence.
"It's Laura! Is it safe to come inside?"
Ellie's smile widened. No do you mind or am I interrupting - just straight up will I die if I open this door and walk into your house?
"Are you alone?"
Ellie could have sworn she heard a short chuckle.
"Oh my god, yes, I am alone, you freak! Can I come inside or not?"
Against better judgement, Ellie found herself blushing, even if ever so slightly. She hated it when people got under her skin like that, and she couldn't even justify shooting them in return.
"No, wait, I'll come down. Don't open that door!"
"Okay…?"
The voice trailed off, and Ellie walked down the steps towards the door, unhooking the little string that ran from the top of the door to the trigger of the shotgun that was mounted above.
She opened the door, her pistol ready to fire, especially if there was someone else with her. Who knows what tricks someone might pull, right?
But it was really Laura, and really just her. Same old patched up jacket, same old patchwork face. She even wore that same old smile, so soft that it had an edge to it that could cut through metal.
"Hey, Ellie."
"Hey, Laura."
They stood there for a moment, eyeing each other, before Ellie realized that she was expected to say something.
"What do you want?"
Laura chuckled.
"You really have that door rigged up to something?"
"Shotgun."
"Wow."
"Well, I figure anyone who can read would notice this sign that says to not come in."
Now, the earlier chuckle made way for an actual laugh, and Laura slapped Ellie's shoulder.
"You are really something, Ellie. I thought people were making things up when they said you've returned, and then said that you moved up here of all places."
Ellie looked at her, shrugging as she finally stepped aside and made way for Laura to come inside.
"Careful with the strings there, I wouldn't advise you to step on them."
A snort.
"Jesus, Ellie. Is there anything in here that doesn't want to kill me?"
Ellie noticed the opportunity to say something nice, about Laura being slightly better than hunters or infected - but she figured it would sound shallow, too expected. She might as well save her breath and go with a shrug.
"Did Maria send you?"
Another snort. "No, and I'm pretty sure she would rip me a new one if she even knew I came up here."
Ellie pointed towards the old couch before sitting down on her mattress.
"Then why bother?"
A shrug.
"'Cause I wanted to talk to you, is all."
Ellie tilted her head, thinking about all prior interactions she and Laura had had over the years. There wasn't much, if she was honest, although there wasn't any kind of bad blood, either. More than could be said about most. So Ellie just waited for Laura to speak up again, relaxing ever so slightly as she leaned back.
"It's just… I don't know, I wanted to see if you are really back and everything."
Ellie tilted her head to the other side, giving a dim smile.
"Looks like it, doesn't it?"
"Yeah… and I'm glad you are, I missed you. We all did, you know?"
Ellie tried to figure out what Laura's angle was, coming up here just to talk nonsense.
"Yeah, sure you did."
"No! I mean it, come on. Why would I lie?"
Ellie blew out some air, shrugging.
"I don't know… did you somehow forget how I got Jesse killed, how Tommy got fucked up, how I left Dina all alone with no choice but to return to Jackson?"
An uneasy shift overcame Laura, but then she shrugged as well.
"I mean, yeah? But you don't really think that people would blame you for all that, right?"
"Not to my face they wouldn't."
Laura shook her head, vigorously.
"No, believe me, you got this all wrong. You should hear how people talk, everyone is glad that you're back. They say that you killed every single one of the assholes who…you know."
Ellie let her head sink down, staring down on her knuckles. In a different world, Ellie thought, she might have worried about scraping the cute pink nail polish, or cried over breaking off a piece of her nail. She might have been mortified to have an actual scar on her arm, much less the dozens of blemishes, cuts and bruises that would never heal again.
"I really can't believe you would move into this place instead of coming down to Jackson."
Ellie shrugged again. "I…I feel close to him here, and don't tell me that's stupid. I know that."
"It's not stupid! It's just… I don't know if I could do that."
"Well, it's weird, I know that…but my life has always been weird, and so has Joel's. I…I feel at ease in here, you know? More than I ever did in Jackson."
"Really? You always seemed so, I don't know, yourself? That's what I always liked about you, you didn't take shit from anyone."
Ellie chuckled, but the smile didn't quite reach her eyes.
"Yeah, but that's the thing, right? Me being in a place where I had to take shit from people, or defend myself against it, just for being myself?"
"Oh, come on, it's just a couple fuckheads like Seth…"
Ellie flared. "I'm not talking about THAT, Laura. I can take that bigot any day of the week, and I'm still mad at Joel for getting a punch in before I could."
Laura laughed. "Man, that night was WILD."
Finally, Ellie could muster a real smile. It wasn't easy to admit, but talking to someone wasn't the worst way to spend the day. Especially now that the rain set it, making the very idea of going back out there seem foolhardy.
"Listen, uh, are you going to stay a while? I can put on a fire if you like, warm this place up a little. And don't worry, I made sure that nobody could toss a nail bomb down the chimney or something, it's safe."
They are both grinning now, and Laura shakes her head in disbelief.
"You really thought about everything, huh?"
"I just want to make sure that when I die, it isn't a stupid death I could have prevented."
"Girl, on my list of ways to die, a nail bomb tossed through a chimney doesn't even make my top one hundred."
They both got up, collecting firewood and stacking it up, before Lara got her lighter out and lit the old rag they had tossed in the middle. A minute passed as they knelt in front of the fire, making sure it didn't go out right away. And Ellie realized that Laura was too close for comfort, even though their arms did not even touch or anything. She rushed back up, looking around to find something that would allow her to stay busy.
But Laura just kept sitting at the fire, turning the lighter in her hands.
"Nobody has been in here before me, have they?"
Ellie snorted, gesturing with her hand. "Eh, I'm fine with that, I like it when it's quiet."
"I'm sure you do. Now sit down here, I wanna talk to you."
"I thought that was what we were doing?"
"No, I mean, TALK to you. I have something for you that you want, that you need."
Ellie scoffed, but sat down. "Yeah, right, I knew you didn't just come up to chat."
"Oh, I did, because believe it or not, I always liked you."
"We barely ever talked."
"We talked enough for me to think I know your biggest weakness."
Ellie's eyes glanced up, her hand gripping around her revolver that had never quite left her side all this time. She knew exactly what Laura meant, knew exactly what her biggest weakness was. She had trusted the wrong person AGAIN, just like everyone else she had trusted before. And worst of all, she immediately thought back to David, who had put up that same calm voice and idle chat with her before eventually, he had shown his true face.
At least this time, Ellie was sure that nobody else was in here, couldn't be. She had locked the door behind them, rigged the string up before she had followed Laura up. Nobody was coming in here alive, and certainly not unnoticed.
"Relax, Ellie, I am not fucking you over or anything. I just need your help, and I'm pretty sure you're gonna wanna help me."
Ellie scoffed again, not easing up on the grip. She wasn't even sure if Laura had noticed that, she had probably just seen her tense a little.
"Why don't you just say what you want, then?"
Laura shrugged. "Because you don't trust me, and I take that personal after the seven or so times we talked. That should make us best friends, not this…you getting ready to kill me because I am making a joke."
So she had noticed.
"And don't give me that bullshit about having a hard time trusting people, that is true for all of us. Just some of us how to tell friends from enemies, and maybe you would do good to do the same."
Ellie relaxed a little again, but her nerves were not in the mood for idle talk.
"Alright, let's just say I trust you, then what?"
"No, let's not just say that. I need you to show it to me, that you trust me enough to, I don't know, listen to me for five minutes."
"And how would I prove that?"
Laura grins, crossing her arms.
"Easy, you kiss me."
Ellie glared at her, saying nothing. Which only made Laura's grin widen.
"Don't worry, I'm not coming on to you or anything like that."
"Could have fooled me."
"I know, but it isn't like that. It's just that I can see how much you struggle letting anyone near you, and how much easier it would be to press a knife to my throat than a kiss on my lips. And, I don't know, that makes me want to see you struggle."
It was a fluent motion that catapulted Ellie from her mattress, over to the couch, and Laura on the floor. She started her what the fuck, Ellie! but never quite got the chance to finish it before Ellie was on top of her, flicking her mother's knife open.
A wound appeared on Laura's cheek, barely more than a scratch, barely enough to draw some blood. Ellie pressed her lips on Laura's cheek, enjoying the look of unfiltered fear in her eyes.
"I don't know if your parents ever told you, but you shouldn't ever dare a vampire to kiss you."
The fear transformed into a grin, a chuckle, and mutual laughter as Laura wiggled free, and Ellie let her.
"Girl, you are so crazy that I wouldn't be surprised if you started clicking or howling."
Ellie folded her knife again, stuffing it into the back pocket. "It's not so bad, I was careful."
Laura touched her cheek, wincing slightly.
"Think I'll keep a scar?"
"Doubt it. It's just a scratch."
"Pity. I was looking forward to telling folks that I talked to Ellie Crazypants Williams and lived to tell the tale."
They fell into laughter again, and it was the liveliest this place had ever felt since the outbreak.
"Here, patch yourself up."
"No thanks. So, you wanna hear this, or not?"
"Give me the short version, we are burning daylight."
"You invited me to a sleepover, don't you remember?"
No, Ellie didn't quite remember that, but the look in Laura's eyes dared her to admit that. So Ellie didn't.
"Yeah, you're right, give me the long version then."
Laura's eyes lit up, and she reached for her bag to pull a map out. Without asking, she jumped onto the mattress, leaving Ellie no choice but to kneel down on top to her and massage her shoulders while she listened. No choice.
"Here," Laura lazily pointed at the map, lying on her stomach and closing her eyes as Ellie's fingers dug into her shoulders, "this is Erstings."
"Never heard of it."
"Doubt anyone really has. Peter's from there, though. Do you even know Peter?"
Ellie paused for a moment, trying to think. "I'm pretty sure I killed a guy named Peter once."
Laura snorted. "Well, I'm sure you have, but not this one. I just talked to him the other week, and saw him this morning."
"I really don't know him, is he knew?"
"He's there sometimes, then sometimes he isn't. Travels a lot, trades a lot, you know? God, just like that, where'd you learn that?"
Ellie smiled down on her, repeating the same motion with her thumbs. "Pretty sure Joel taught me this, just, I don't know, he was more focused on how to do it to someone's throat."
"You are impossible. Is it always like this with you?"
"Just when someone starts to tell me a story they don't plan on ever finishing."
"Hey, I'm getting there!"
"When?"
Laura laughed again, but it was a pained laugh as Ellie found the right wrong spot.
"Oh my god. Anyway, Peter says that Erstings is this small town, used to be like Jackson at one point."
"What, full of bigots?"
"Worse, I heard they also got preachers."
Ellie laughed, right until the moment where the mention of a preacher made her feel the rough wood of the machete handle, and as she closed her eyes, she was hacking away at him again. But only for a moment, only for the brief moment that it took for Laura to notice.
"What is it?"
Ellie smiled again, picking up her pace. "Oh, it's nothing, I was just thinking of someone. Go on."
"Okay. So, anyway, seems like it's overrun with infected nowadays, Peter says he has no idea how that came to happen. All he knows is that he's not setting foot in there."
"But that's not all he told you, huh? Or else you wouldn't offer me your body in an attempt to convince me to help you get there."
"Hey, let me finish my story first, it's no fun when you guess everything!"
Ellie chuckled. "You don't even deny it."
"Lotsa good that would do me, when I can just admit that I have zero morals when it comes to the most badass chick in Jackson. Or slightly outside of Jackson, for that matter."
Ellie paused for a moment, allowing herself a moment to wonder how she had even ended up like this, in here, on her, not remotely sure what she wanted or didn't want. Maybe nothing, maybe just a story. Maybe someone to hold on to as they watched the afternoon becoming evening, watching the fire burn down as it became too late to do anything other than stay under the blanket. Maybe, but maybe not.
"So, what's in this town that's so special?"
"You haven't even kissed my neck yet."
"Wait, let me get my knife."
But before Laura had a chance to complain, Ellie pressed a quick peck on her neck, making her yelp in happy fear and delight at it being her hot lips instead of cold steel.
"Your turn, spill."
"Looks like I'm not the only one who's easy today."
"I'll get real hard real quick if you make me ask again."
"Alright, alright, chill, Ellie! It's just, this is so good that you don't get to rush it."
Laura couldn't know how much that sentence would hurt her, Ellie told herself, pushing all the memories as far to the back of her mind as she could. She had learned that by now, learned to find a way around the things she wished she could erase from her mind.
"So, the way Peter tells it, this town is right next to a, I don't know the right word for it, but it's a bunker of sorts."
"Let me guess, a whole lot of guns and ammunition and military grade explosives?"
"So.much.better."
"I don't know what could be better."
"Grains."
"What?"
"Keep going, for fuck's sake, don't just stop. I'll keep talking if you keep massaging."
"Fine, fine. What do you mean, grains?"
"All of them and everything. Seeds, literally every seed that ever existed."
Ellie was confused, but she didn't say anything.
"Apparently, the government built these climate controlled storage facilities where they collected all the seeds they could, for pretty much exactly this kind of reason."
"What reason, back massages?"
"Exactly. And maybe a little bit of rebuilding civilization on top, but that comes extra."
Ellie paused again, her hands having reached the lowest point on Laura's back that could still be safely called her back. She knew that if Laura had wanted to complain, stop her, or even so much as hint at the existence of boundaries, she would have done so by now. The only thing Ellie was clueless about was what she herself wanted.
"Screw this."
Laura giggled as Ellie reached around to open her belt, still giggled when she pulled her pants down to press a kiss on her exposed cheeks.
"If I didn't know any better, Miss Williams, I would assume that you were flirting with me."
"You are incredibly perceptive."
"It's good to know that grain silos get you going, I'll make a note to remember that for future use."
As Laura turned around and pulled her in for a kiss, a proper one this time, Ellie couldn't help but fall into the same giggles.
"It's probably more the fact that it's been close to a year since I last kissed someone, but sure, let's call it a grain silo."
"I haven't even told you everything."
"You don't get to rush this, either."