This total failure of the world to adhere to a good narrative was beginning to annoy me. Not 'no more paper' annoying, but annoying nonetheless. I put the prey down and raised my hands as they do in the moving pictures. The prey slumped to the ground at my feet and I turned round to face the amazon and met her gaze. A steely cold determination stared back over the gun. I would have more luck compelling a statue than her. Behind her stood the other humans.
"Well, Jess. Shoot him." said one. Brian, I think his name was.
"Blow the bastard's brains out already." said another. Mike.
"No. Not yet. He could be useful. Well, thing. What are you?"
Great, now I was 'thing'. It's a step up from 'useless' but not much. Beneath me, the prey whimpered and clutched at my foot. I tried to shake her off.
"Move away from Marj." commanded the amazon. I did so, noting that the gun never wavered. Her heartbeat was steady and powerful. I wondered about this strange, terrible human and felt curiously intrigued by her. What was she, what had shaped her and how many more were like her? When I was sufficiently away she resumed her interrogation.
"Well, don't be shy. What are you?" she said.
"I am Victor Shepherd and I am a vampire," I said. "What is your..."
"Silence. So. A vampire. What good is that?" she said.
I decided I should come up with something good, but paused. What did vampires do that humans didn't? Introspection and enumerating my capabilities isn't something I do. I guess humans must do it all the time. 'Hello, my name is Craig and I am a classical pianist and middling fast bowler. I am a decent cook and work well with others.' That type of behaviour.
"I can command zombies to obey me," I said confidently. There, that was something this amazon might consider 'good'.
"Oh yeah? What about people? What did you do to Marjorie?" said Mike.
"Yes, I can command humans too. Anything lower on the food chain really. It's quite simple." I said trying to be helpful. A mistake. Never inform a prey species that you, not they, are the apex predator. They take it quite badly.
"Lower on the food chain? Lower on the food chain? Jess, shoot him already and show Vlad where he stands on the bloody food chain." said Suhail. He was a bit wild-eyed.
"Yes Jess, what are you waiting for?" said Mike.
"Quiet everyone. You, Victor. If I shot you in the head would that kill you." said Jess.
"No? I don't think so. But it would hurt a lot and be a lot of effort to recover." I said.
"Okay. You can control things. Why are you not controlling me." said Jess.
"Jedi mind tricks only work on the weak-minded," said Brian. The other humans nodded.
"What's a Jedi? But yes, you are essentially correct. A strong, determined, focused, or angry soul cannot be controlled by a vampire." I said.
"Like me."
"Like you."
"And what were you going to do to Marjorie?" said Jess.
I paused. Wasn't it obvious?
"I was going to drink some of her blood," I said.
"How much is some?"
"About a cup's worth."
"She won't turn into a vampire?"
"No."
"Okay. Go ahead." Jess lowered the gun from my head.
It's a bit hard to say who was more surprised. Myself or the others. Humans don't normally acquiesce to vampires drinking their blood, or any human's blood for that matter. It's prey behaviour. Her companions were acting more typically.
"What!"
"You can't be serious."
"Don't you touch Marj you, you monster." this was Brian. He stepped forward and waved his bat about. "I'm not afraid of you." a lie. His heart was rapid and his smell indicated he was in a sort of crazy fight or flight behaviour. Another sniff confirmed that they were lovers. Probably definitely bordering on fight then.
"Alright. I got excited, I can find other prey." I said and moved towards the window. Most of the humans tracked me except Brian who went to Marjorie who was starting to come out from under my compulsion. I lifted the window and leaped out into the night.
Yes. I can fly.
It was a cool October night and I flew under a clear sky. All about me I could hear the sounds of the countryside. Insects, birds, and animals all combined with a chorus of squeaks, squawks, bleats rustlings, and of course, heartbeats. Some humans called it 'the music of the night'. I quite like that term. The sounds of the country are very soothing to me and I was beginning to calm down when I realised something was very wrong. No humans, no human noise. That bass undertone of human machines and the hissing buzz of their wires was gone. I could hear the six bickering back at my home and every now and then there was the report of a gun but actual humans seemed a bit rarer.
I flew nearer the small town listening for the tell-tale double thump of a human heart. There were none. This was worrying. I noticed a few forms shuffling about the streets. This was very bad. How long had I slept? Normally, Jeremy woke me each evening but left to my own devices I could sleep a few weeks away. Clearly, this had happened. I had gone to bed at dawn. Sometime during the day Jeremy had been turned into a zombie and had only made it back tonight. I had slept through the zombie apocalypse.
I stopped in mid-air. So had every other vampire. They would be waking up when hungry and discovering that our favourite food was now an endangered species. I shivered, it was going to be 1248 all over again. This was not good. Vampires are apex predators and solitary hunters. We do not share and are quite territorial. My street, my suburb, my city, my humans. My home range stretches pretty much from Kumeu to Helensville and includes Bethels and Muriwai for example. Let the others have the big cities with their squabbles and constant turf disputes. I am a country vampire. I tried going urban in the middle of the last century but then the Germans went mad and dropped bombs all over it. New Zealand seemed a much nicer, safer, and pleasantly boring alternative after all that.
Except it had suddenly got exciting. Thirty Years War exciting by the look of things.
After a bit more fruitless flitting about I grabbed a sheep and drained it in the air. All quite barbaric and rustic and not the done thing. A meal is a meal I say, however. And sheep is alright, if a bit thin and tasteless. On the other hand, I didn't think anyone was going to object if I drank the lot. So I did. So damn you, Gregor, I hope you starve. I took the sheep back to my humans.
I noticed with approval that they were fixing the front door. I flew round the back to the garage, let myself in, pushed out the cars and began butchering the animal.
I am a vampire, I drink blood, am impossibly strong, can fly, command lesser creatures and can dress and butcher an animal for eating. It's what you call a life skill, except that in my case you might not. It's a good skill to have in any event and far more useful than riding, remembering where the fork goes, or being able to recite your progenitors off. I'll admit those things can be useful but butchery is better. No one suspects the local butcher of being a vampire. You're a valued member of the community which is a very useful thing if any would-be hunters come calling. I also like to give something back and contribute to the welfare of my humans. A happy human, a well-fed human is a tasty human I say.
A human was watching me now. By the heartbeat, I recognised her as Jess, the amazon. She still had her gun but it was not pointing at me for a change.
"No comment?" I said as I skinned the beast.
"That seems very practical. Where did you learn to do that?" she said.
"I no longer know. It's something I've always known. It might even be from when I was a human." I said. The scent of the beast was everywhere and all about. That's another good thing about being a vampire butcher. Being up to your arms in food does wonders in sating all those predatory instincts. I could even regard Jess as not just a walking snack.
"You really are a vampire?"
"Yes."
"The drinking of the blood, turning into mist, crosses, the works."
"The first two yes, crosses no, it's the person, not the artifact, I am not sure what you mean by 'the works', could you help me here." I had finished skinning the beast and it needed hanging. I could have done it myself but it's easier with two and well, old habits die hard.
We got the carcass lifted and set to draining what blood remained.
"Why the sheep?"
"You people are going to need feeding. You, you look alright." I said, deciding 'delicious' was the wrong word to use. "So does Mike. But the rest need some more meat on the bone."
"Are you calling me fat?" she said.
"Is that bad or good at the moment? Sorry, I have trouble keeping current with fashions."
"What?" Jess said. She did not look happy.
"Sometimes it is fashionable for women to be fat, other times skinny. Fashions wax and wane, in this case quite literally." I said.
"It's the thing to be thin. Do you have to talk like that?"
"Like what? I will have you know that my pronunciation and diction are perfect."
"No doubt. You sound like my English Teacher Mr. Watkins. When I was in school I mean."
"So, what is wrong with that?"
"No one else speaks like that Mr. Victor the Vampire. It's a bit of a dead giveaway."
"I do not think that will matter anymore. Almost everyone else is a zombie."
"Yes, guess you're right. And I've got to plan what to do next."
"That is simple, survive, wait for the zombie insurgency to burn out, then rebuild society."
"I guess so. Wait, what do you mean by simple, has this happened before?"
"Yes." I then stifled a yawn. Daylight. I had lost track of time. "Hmm, morning already? Bedtime. I shall sleep in the lower bedroom. Please wake me up next evening by ringing the bell and bring a paper if you can."
I then toddled off, yawning to my more fortified, underground bedroom.
"What do you mean, bring a paper?" was the last thing I heard her say