After demonstrating her strength in front of the other leaders, nobody dared to start a war with her country.
The Elvish continent was thus peaceful, and every year the elves lived better and better lives.
Valindra always did everything she could to think on behalf of her people, and the reforms she put out always made her country more prosperous.
But one day, Valindra woke with tears leaving her eyes.
She was already fifty years old, which was still very young for elves, but it was at this age that all the other elves would normally have their life partners already.
They might even have a child, but Valindra was alone.
Being alone was something she thought she got used to, but that morning, when her tears kept dripping on her soft pillow, she truly felt alone.
It wasn't like she was actually alone because every day of her life, she was surrounded by her servants, guards, maids, or other subjects, but a person doesn't have to be alone to feel lonely.
Valindra lived the majority of her life for her country, and after becoming a queen, she had never spent a single day doing something she enjoyed doing.
Not only did she feel like she didn't have time for herself, but she also felt like she didn't deserve happiness because of the massacre that she had orchestrated when she was eighteen.
By making her siblings kill each other, she took away all the happiness that they would feel in their lives, so she thought that she didn't deserve to desire something that she had taken away from someone else.
She didn't realize it at that time, but the more she tried to push her sad feelings away, the more her body was breaking apart.
The servants would always announce to her some great news that she should have felt happy about, but she only felt relieved that she had slightly less work now.
"Your Majesty, there are no more homeless people as of today!"
"That is good news."
Crack
"Your Majesty, a lot of young elves looked up to you and joined the army, so our soldier count had tripled!"
"I see. I am glad."
Crack
"Your Majesty, we have sent our people to different continents and have started to trade with them!"
"Good job. I am happy to hear that."
Crack
With every word of encouragement, she would give to her subjects.
CRACK
With every smile she would show them, to make them feel like she was happy.
CRACK
With every lie she would say, to let her subjects hear what they wanted to hear.
CRACK
Her heart, where she kept hiding her horrible feelings, kept cracking.
It was like a vase filled with water, but it had so many cracks on it that the water sometimes dripped outside.
Occasionally, Valindra would be writing documents and one of her eyes would suddenly start crying.
Other times, she would look at young kids playing in front of the palace, but instead of feeling happiness, she would feel sadness and a longing to have a child of her own.
But she pushed those feelings away. Back into the broken vase they went.
She felt sad? Her people needed her, so there was no time to feel sad.
She wanted to have a partner and her own child? Her subjects' happiness is her happiness, so she just had to do her best as a queen.
She didn't want to be alone? If she had time to feel alone, she should use it to do more paperwork.
Valindra was a very strong person. Not only physically but also mentally.
So strong that she had managed to cope with these feelings for more than thirty years, but it was that morning that she woke up crying when she realized that it couldn't continue like this.
Her heart was on the brink of collapse, and she was afraid of what would happen if the vase that kept cracking crumbled into pieces and all the water spilled out.
She was a queen so powerful that every country in the world feared or respected her.
So powerful that her people proudly shouted her name and worshipped her.
But at this moment, Valindra felt like a little girl crying for her parents because she had a nightmare.
She was scared, so very afraid of breaking down but what scared her the most was that the first thing she thought of were her subjects.
'What if I die and another tyrant like Morrsath takes my place?'
Valindra was terrified of the fact that she didn't think of herself when it came to her dying but instead thought of her people.
Being a good queen was important, but if she stopped being a queen, she wouldn't have anything left.
No hobbies, no friends, no partner, no kids, nothing. If she wasn't a queen, then what would her life be like?
She liked training her spear technique, but did she really like it? What if she only trained because she didn't want to become a weak queen?
As Valindra cried in her bed while gasping for air because she was so scared and nervous that she couldn't even properly breathe, she felt lost, like she didn't belong in this world.
She could talk to someone about it, but would they understand her? They didn't know what it felt like to have only one purpose in life, which was to be a queen, so of course they wouldn't.
After a few minutes, Valindra managed to calm down and wipe her tears away.
She knew that her body was giving her a warning, and if she continued to live only for others, there wouldn't be a second warning.
Getting out of her room and walking through the long hallway, she arrived in her office, where a butler was already waiting for her with some documents.
Valindra felt pain in her heart like a knife had just been stabbed into her chest when she saw the work that had piled up overnight.
"…I want to take a day off and visit an orphanage."
She looked at her butler with tired eyes.
Cheerful children always made her happy in the past, so she was hoping that by visiting an orphanage, her heart would get a little patched up.
"…"
The butler had his mouth open in shock, not knowing what to say.
He had worked for Valindra for almost thirty years now, and he had never seen her take a day off.
"O- Of course, your Majesty!"
Quickly leaving his shock, he put down the papers and quickly informed all the servants of Valindra's absence.
The palace was in an uproar because the queen taking a day off was unheard of.
They didn't badmouth her for it, though. It was the opposite, actually.
Everyone felt happy that their workaholic queen was finally taking a break from all the work she was doing every day.
---
After Valindra left the palace, she arrived in front of one of the orphanages that was situated in the capital city.
It was called the "Shiny Star Orphanage" and it had a lot of kids playing in front of it.
There were a lot of caretakers and even more children, but everyone was well taken care of due to one of the reforms that Valindra had released in the past.
She didn't have anyone with her because she wanted to walk alone. The guards and servants knew how strong she was, so they didn't protest in any way.
Entering the orphanage, she looked around and could see children running around everywhere.
Some stopped to look at her, and while pointing at her, they kept whispering to each other.
The older kids had a blush on their faces, and some kids didn't stop playing, not caring about Valindra's presence.
She then walked around while greeting the children or patting their heads from time to time, but no matter how much time she spent there, she didn't feel anything.
That is to say, Valindra did feel happy about the fact that she had managed to save so many children from poverty because of her being the queen, but it felt like this happiness wasn't hers.
It was like she had two sides inside her: the queen and Valindra.
And the happy one was the queen, but her real self was still sad and broken.
Walking through the hallways while hearing the children's laughter, she suddenly stopped because she heard a man's deep voice to her right.
There was a door to her right, so she opened it and entered the room.
The room had a wooden floor, and it looked like someone's office because there was a table and a chair by the window.
Sitting on the chair was a man with ruffled blonde hair, but he wasn't working. He had his arms placed on the table, and while lying on them, he was sound asleep.
"…No, Lia, don't take Tish's toy…"
While sleeping, he kept mumbling something to himself.
Intrigued, Valindra walked over to him, and as the sun shone through the window, it made his golden hair appear to be glowing.
Seeing that, she felt a strong urge rise up from inside her and she raised her hand. Placing it on his head, she then started ruffling his messy hair even more.
His hair was soft and silky, and she got so engrossed in touching it, that she didn't notice that the man had woken up because of her.
"Uhhh… Hello?"
He grabbed her hand and raised his head to look at her.
Although one of his cheeks was red from lying on it for so long, Valindra found him to be extremely handsome.
"Hi."
She responded, not bothered by the fact that she had been ruffling his hair a second ago.
"Hmm?"
The man tilted his head and then started rubbing his eyes. After opening them again, his expression changed into a shocked one.
"You are the queen!"
"Yeah."
Valindra put on one of her fake smiles that she was so used to using while preparing herself to be showered with praises, but they never came because the man stayed silent.
"..."
"What's wrong?"
She looked at him, but instead of being flustered, he looked confused.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
Valindra nodded while continuing to smile.
"Why are you smiling when you are sad."
"…"
Her smile froze on her face, and her eyes slightly widened.
"Wh- What?"
"Why do you act happy when you are suffering inside? If I felt like you are feeling right now, I would be crying. So, why do you smile?"
A simple question. The man asked her such a simple question that she could have brushed off by saying she was fine, but no matter how much she tried to answer, no words left her open mouth, leaving her no choice but to close it again.
At that moment, Valindra didn't know how this man knew, but she didn't care.
There was finally someone who could see the real her, hidden behind a mask, and that made her overwhelmed with emotions.
She felt her chest tighten up and her eyes become wet.
Tears started rolling down her cheeks as her fake smile disappeared completely.
Looking at the man through her blurry vision, Valindra opened her mouth again, and a voice choked with sadness and grief came out.
"…Because I don't deserve to be happy."