I have been glaring at myself in the large rectangular mirror for the past fifteen minutes, unsuccessfully trying to knock some sense into me. The warm light behind me flickered from time to time, prompting my shadow to sway regardless of the fact that I was motionless like a marble.
"You're acting like a real bitch. You have no desire to date him, so why in the world are you acting this way?"
The woman standing on the opposite end stared at me dismissively, her spiteful expression still resting on her face. She was such a lost cause. I flung my arms in the air in frustration, furious at myself.
"River, come on. Really, what is the matter with you? In all of these years, you've never allowed your impulses to drive you. Ergo, get a hold of yourself. You've been a virgin for far too long, and that's the reason for your dumb behavior. Quit acting like a drama queen and get back on track."
Nope, she wasn't paying any attention. In fact, she appeared much worse than before. I was getting ready to throw her another lecture when the door swung open and I leaped away from the washbasin, my hand placed above my pounding heart. 'That girl' was standing next to the entrance, her forehead wrinkled in befuddlement.
"I am sorry. Did I scare you?"
I thought of answering her, 'Yeah, so please get out,' but instead just smiled. She was plainly being cordial, and acting like a bitch will only contribute to making me look like a fool. Moreover, why should I get upset with her? I wasn't even certain whether she had been Eugene's girlfriend, crush, or whatever in the past. Truth be told, I had only been jumping to conclusions for the past hour.
"No, it's alright. I didn't expect to see anyone. Sorry, but I forgot what your name was..."
I said, not quite forgetting it, but was unable to pronounce it. Her name was so complex that it sounded like a tongue twister when she said it back while everyone was introducing themselves. To be frank, I could not really recite any of their names.
"You can just call me Juan."
She stated as she walked straight up to the sink and set down her purse over the granite.
"Juan."
I murmured to myself when I watched her pull out the compact powder and delicately apply it to her cheeks. She was well-dressed and looked like an actual woman that men desired. And then there was me.
"Eugene is extremely blessed. He always got what he wanted. Whether it's his education, his preferred university, his career, or even the girl."
Once she concluded, her eyes locked on mine in the reflection, and I pinched my eyebrows together. Is this the scenario in which the male protagonist's ex-girlfriend threatens the female protagonist to stay away from him and unveil her real personality? However, I was not quite the female lead here.
"Why are you telling me all of this?"
I asked, supporting myself against the wall and keeping my gaze fixed on hers'. Juan's comments were cryptic, yet she certainly didn't appear to be angry. In truth, she was indifferent, and it sounded as though she was simply expressing facts.
"Eugene and I dated for a couple of months. But we ended things before we had a chance to invest our emotions."
"Why?"
I wanted to punch myself for bothering to respond, yet I found myself intrigued. I was interested in finding out why they had split up. I wanted to know how Eugene was as a lover. I wanted to know what he looked for in a woman. I felt embarrassed for having such thoughts, but I couldn't help it.
"Because..."
We were both startled when the door opened again, interrupting our conversation at once. Eugene stood in the doorway, panting, his attention bouncing between the two of us before settling on the other woman.
"Can I speak with you for a minute, Juan?"
His words struck me square in the gut, and I was crushed. My lungs felt as though they were contracting, and I looked like I had been slapped. He was staring at Juan with an intensity I couldn't fathom, and it was ripping me apart. It was clear that the lack of emotional investment Juan mentioned before was not mutual. He was still in love with her. Perhaps he was concerned I might cause a misunderstanding between them, which explains his sudden break-in. Even though the washroom was large enough, I felt suffocated. The walls were closing in on me.
"Don't mind me. I will leave you to your privacy. Take your time."
I managed to say it without stammering and smiled at the baffled girl, and then when I passed Eugene, I winked at him and patted his shoulder encouragingly.
I wanted to scream out loud, but I knew I couldn't. I really could not reveal to him how distraught I was; therefore, the only alternative was to feign cheekiness. And I was a master at pretending.
.....
I headed over to sit alongside the others, conversing about random media and entertainment stuff while remaining extremely peppy. I was straining to look unfazed, and judging by the way the rest of them were laughing and chattering, I don't suppose they detected my phoney smiles or vacant eyes. I yearned to return home, although I am sure I couldn't, not yet at least.
Eugene and Juan emerged about ten minutes later, both of them beaming. It appears that whatever miscommunication they had has been resolved. I blinked a few times, scared my eyes might get watery.
"River, you are an amazing woman. I never imagined celebrities like you were so humble."
One of the guys commented, and I grinned broadly. I didn't even dare peek at Eugene for fear of breaking down.
"And I never expected to have so much fun tonight."
I said, emphasizing my words. I didn't need Eugene to so much as doubt how awful I was feeling. I wanted him to assume that I didn't give a damn about him and Juan and that it didn't make a difference to me who he was seeing or dating. However, here is the thing: I did. I did a lot more than I could have envisioned.
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
Another fellow, whose name I presumed was Candy, queried, and I was compelled to respond that I had several, simply to appear cool in front of Eugene, but then reconsidered my decision. I was never going to be that pathetic.
"No. I don't do serious relationships."
"Why? Too many choices?"
The girl asked, and I laughed the laugh that I have perfected in front of my mirror.
"Maybe. But I don't like making commitments. It terrifies me.",
I might well have offered far too much information; nonetheless, nobody seems to have noticed, which relieved me. It wasn't more than a slip of the tongue on my part, but it would have been a terrible mistake if someone caught on to it. After that, I merely listened as the conversation turned to a recent scandal involving an idol and an actress. It was nearly midnight when we finally decided to part ways.
I bid my goodbyes to everyone individually and took a few more pictures before strolling back to my vehicle.
"Give me the keys. I will drive."
I stated as I approached the driver's side.
"It's all right. You must be exhausted."
Eugene replied as he reached into his pocket for the keys and proceeded to walk to my side. My mind flashed with how he hugged Juan before they left, and despite the fact that he embraced others, that particular image stuck with me like a painful thorn. Here I was, flinging myself at him, while he already had someone he adored. I felt utterly miserable.
I shook my head and stared him in the eyes.
"You've been driving me around tonight for reasons unrelated to work. I despise owing someone anything. Please hand over the keys."
Eugene looked dumbfounded as I outstretched my palm. He firmly clutched the keys, anxiety seeping into his features.
"Is there something wrong?"
I thought of yelling at him when he asked that. I considered telling him that everything had been wrong, but I just smiled and swallowed my words.
"Nothing. I just want to drive. I had a great time with your friends."
He seemed unsatisfied with my explanation and still refused to give me the keys.
"Are you really okay? Did I do anything wrong? Maybe I should not have pressured you to join them."
That was it. I cursed aloud and kicked the rubber tire fiercely, catching him off guard. Shit, my legs were throbbing from the impact, but I might go insane if I restrain my frustration any longer.
"Damn it, Eugene. Don't behave like you know who I am. And I certainly do not have a social anxiety disorder, so stop treating me like a fucking psychopath."
I was breathing hard, and my eyes were blurry, indicating that I was crying. Eugene was taken aback by my outburst, and before he could regain his senses, I had snatched the keys from his grasp and slammed the door shut, gripping the steering wheel for dear life. I contemplated speeding away at first, but then realized it was past midnight and that there wasn't any more public transportation.
It took Eugene a few minutes to recover, and slowly he made his way to the passenger's seat. I revved the engine and changed the gears before hitting the accelerator. We were both silent, not even daring to breathe comfortably, nervous that the stillness would be shattered. I was offended. I was emotional. I was exasperated. And above all, I loathed myself.
I should have known that nothing went well in my life. There would always be something. People ask you to avoid red flags. But in my life, I am the red flag. So I avoid people. And now I have hurt Eugene. I have never felt so terrible before. His sad eyes kept haunting me, and I honked at the biker guy in agitation when he overtook us.
We finally made it to the resort, and I requested two hotel employees to assist me with the bags. I didn't intend to be anywhere around Eugene for another second, and, honestly, I couldn't bear glancing at his pained expression. I quickly returned the keys to him without even looking into his eyes, and I thanked him before making my way to the cottage.
Way to go, River. You just pushed another important person away.
........