"I don't want to go to the waterpark, aunty."
"Why? I already booked tickets." she said.
I was left wondering what the best response or sufficient reason for what I said to her could be. I hesitated and didn't know what to say, and I don't want to add further awkwardness between the two of us. I didn't know what to do because I hadn't planned on how to explain myself, so I invented a bizarre excuse.
"Hmm, if i were to say it in japanese, it would be "mendokusai" (too troublesome)" I said to my Aunt.
"E?, Mendokusakunai yo"(E?, its not troublesome you know.)" She spoke to me in Japanese. She gave me a bewildered look I'd never seen before in any of the members of this family.
"You're kids; you have to enjoy being kids sometimes," she continued. "I don't know what to say anymore," I admitted to myself. I put on this foolish and naive look to quickly explain myself if I ever made a mistake, because as an adult, you're expected to never fail at anything. She muttered something meant to be polite to a motherless child like me, but I was doubtful.
She's an unusual one for me. She cleans the house and does chores, then sends us off to do whatever we want. It was supposed to be wonderful, and I'd always expected mothers to be nice, but I didn't like it at all. It was an unnecessary worry because I was perfectly comfortable with it. On the contrary, I was concerned that she considered my meager worth and value in this house and her generosity was going to bother me.
My family was, in fact, a strange one. I'm not sure when I became aware, but I've always known this subconsciously since then. In the Philippines, the family tree and its name list are extensive, and "we," as in I, my grandmother, and my other two brothers, make up what I like to term "the branch family." A branch of a family is a group of its members who are descended from one specific person. This term was coined when feudalism was still prevalent, but I'd like to use it this time. I'll explain how I came to use such terminology in the present era one step at a time. I arrived at the conclusion that money is power in our modern society. I'll give you an example: what motivates impoverished individuals to make a change and study? It's money. What is the deciding element in your social standing? It's money. What motivates people to work for others? It's for monetary gain. Some might argue that the true source of power is violence, and I would agree if we weren't discussing society. However, in any conditions or difficulties, money would solve the majority of them, because money today is power, and if you only put up an amount, you could influence people. And I could see there was an unsaid norm among our family tree. I'm not sure if they accept it, and I'm sure if asked, they'd refuse to recognise it. But I could sense it—how they made it, who reigned at the top of the hierarchy, how they felt, and how they instinctively degraded themselves in front of the superior. I witnessed everything. Inside of such a constricting social system, we are the branch family who took care of the menial task of maintaining the house and properties of the main family caring for them, and also the most important of all was to take care of what I would like to call "the anchor" of the family tree, my "great great grandmother." However, in a lot of twists and turns a few years back, such an important person and the only factor that was holding the collapsing emotional connection of the family tree together, died. Now that there is no longer a link connecting us, I'm concerned we will lose a significant portion of our worth.
My great-aunt and my foreign-born granduncle are the primary members of my family. The core family returned from the United States together, with my uncle and aunt, their son and daughter-in-law, and my cousins, their grandkids, arriving considerably later. We're merely observing each other's actions throughout the last few months now that time has passed. Are you curious about the outcome? They dislike our house systems and work us to change them. It's like if I'm in a job where I'm being penalized by a supervisor who is coming to see what needs to change and who is causing the problem. I was chastised for being tardy and threatened with shattering my phone and stepping on it. I was shocked that I was exposed to this kind of threat at such a young age. She said she could since, even if it's the allowance she provided me and the money I saved to buy my smartphone, it's technically theirs because they're the source of my allowance. So if I don't stop, she has the right to break what's mine—my sole entertainment in such a dismal and gloomy life.
I don't have many friends, and I don't have any that I message on a daily basis. I only message some people when there is a problem at school. I only used my phone for entertainment, but don't confuse me with those problematic gamers; I was never a gamer, unlike most teenagers, and I never played games that weren't uninstalled after a day of testing. I was involved in the literary side of entertainment. I don't leave my house until absolutely necessary; I don't put myself in risk by hearing their voices shouting at me as if I had committed a heinous crime in their eyes. Those sounds make my heart race with fear, and I begin to imagine that they will kill me. So early on, I chastised myself for not conforming to any adolescent standards, and as a result, I became an introvert. My former classmates don't remember me, despite the fact that I did my best to socialize in the past, but it all went to nothing. When I was talking to someone, I became nervous and tried to avoid eye contact with them. I've learned to prioritize housework over anything else, and to regard anything else as secondary work. In other words, I've become somewhat closer to what they envision than not. Although I've adapted to their requirements, even now they're unsatisfied with me. All I could do was snort at that because, if you look at me from a different perspective, you could treat me as a role model for the ideal youth that does what they're told and just shuts up at the corner if there's nothing else to do. Although I'm lazy, frail, and slow at jobs, I could do the work close to perfection, and I prided myself on that. Is what I always thought I needed to do to ease myself from the heavy feelings that I currently hold. I don't want to go on and express how much I'm suffering because, unlike the other poor people, I'm blessed in their eyes, and yet I'm still whining, and I don't want to be a hypocrite. Perhaps many poor youngsters would have fought over my ostensibly fortunate childhood and done their best if they were in my shoes. I once thought, if ghosts and possessions are real, they could try to take my body but treat it as a chance for a different life because I wouldn't resist at all.
I thought it was just another passing day where I would move just like a robot and do what they told me. Inside of such complex conformity, that's unique in that family. An outsider participated and married in. It was Saturday morning. My aunt, the wife of my uncle, planned to go to the water park in Manila today with my cousins. They abruptly said they're going to take me and my brother with them; of course, as gloomy as I am, my younger cousins favor my older brother more than me and are excited that they can talk with him.
However, I was the only one who wasn't particularly excited about seeing fish in a large aquarium. I mean, do you waste money just to see some fish swim? You can see some fish alive in the market and not pay anything. I don't know the difference at all, and that's why I'm complaining. But, the most deciding factor was how troublesome it was, and how it'll likely take my free time. Now, here I am completely failing to understand what was entertaining about aquariums and just thought it was a giant aquarium where various marine life was put.
After many years of my parents disciplining me for wasting money on frivolous purchases, I've grown wary of financial matters. That's why, if people express concern for me and ask what I want for my birthday, I'd answer nothing; I was perfectly OK with keeping my options limited, and, above all, I was never materialistic. I was only bothered by the fact that it was so unnecessary. Also, why the hell, now that I'm in maturation, would you care about what I want for "my birthday," after all these years of not receiving heartfelt gifts? And then they'll say stuff like "shattering my phone to pieces" since it affected me as a whole.
I could sense a nasty mood in the air, and my great-aunt was staring at us. She didn't like the notion of us going to the aquarium, so maybe she has something else planned for us today. She can't do anything this time because the ticket has already been purchased, and it wasn't paid for with her money. However, I was bothered by the fact that they didn't bother to ask if I wanted to accompany them. It's as if they disregarded my right to speak for myself and to speak directly to my great-aunt , who was the decisive factor in all of this and was at the top of the hierarchy. Perhaps they believed I'd refuse anyhow because I'm reserved in situations like those. That's why they acquire permission from my great-aunt to take me with them. That's why I'm sitting in the bathroom right now, dumping my meal into the sink. My complexion is getting worse. When such things happen, I don't feel good at all. I'm not used to it and don't intend to become one. I don't have a choice, so I'll simply have to accept it.
And this time it was completely unneeded, uncomfortable, and disgusting. But I'm not concerned, even if they're upset with me for some reason. They stated that they are stressed as a result of my presence. You don't believe I'm anxious or upset because I put on a display of juvenile turmoil, do you? It's fine; we'll all be fine one day. And if they've pushed me to the brink of extinction yet again, that day will come sooner than I expect. I just have to bother them one more time about my burial.
The End.