Chapter 4
He knew he shouldn't have let Mimi stay at his place, but he couldn't bring himself to send her home and he didn't think he could handle being alone right now. Besides, Mimi had saved him. At least he thought she had. He didn't believe she meant to shoot at him. If she meant to kill him, he doubted that she would've risked coming to him, let alone trying to save his life.
Maybe he should stop thinking about everything Mimi had told him before. It wasn't making him feel any better. Everything she told him was just confusing and she had never said anything bad about anyone besides himself. He knew there were other people who didn't hate him. He had just never met them. Even though he had felt guilty for lying to Mimi about who his father was, he had done it because he knew how she felt. He had done it to protect her, to keep her alive. And now, when it didn't matter, when she hated him, she was blaming him for his father's death, telling him he deserved everything he got because of him. Lapizo knew Mimi didn't mean those things. She cared about her family a lot. She had lost a lot of family members because of him and he knew that if she didn't find them again, she might actually lose her mind someday. That's why he decided that he needed to make amends. She had been nice to him and she had helped him and, although it was all lies, she still cared. But he had lied too many times, so he felt horrible.
But now, sitting next to Mimi was a chance to show that he really meant it. He would try to be nice to her. He would try to be nicer to everyone in order to prove that he was sincere in his desire to change. He had no idea if it would succeed, but he decided that he had to try. He could do more good than harm if he tried harder. He also wanted to apologize for what he had done to Kukui. There were other boys in that school that had committed suicide. He didn't have to die too. He didn't need to live a life of suffering and sadness. Lapizo had never known how to deal with emotions well. His only experience with them was limited and mostly consisted of his foster carers beating him and locking him in his room. And even though the violence had stopped for awhile, he couldn't ignore what happened during the last week. It had happened to him too. So he wouldn't allow it to happen to others if he could help it.
As he stared out of the window of Mimi's bedroom, a feeling came over him. It started off as a slight twinge in the pit of his stomach. He didn't notice at first. Then the feeling became stronger and soon enough, he realized what it was: fear. No, he realized, he wasn't afraid. Not of being caught, maybe, but he wasn't scared for himself either. In fact, he wasn't sure if he ever was. All he knew was that his stomach felt cold, and his heart felt heavy. A shiver ran through his body and he gripped the armrest tightly, almost as if the armrest was the only thing keeping him upright. He was terrified. What was wrong? He hadn't felt like this in years and the feeling was completely new. He could tell his legs weren't working properly. The muscles in his legs seemed frozen, and he felt weak. Suddenly, he felt sick. For some reason, he thought that the only possible explanation for this situation was because of the hunger.
The realization hit Lapizo with such force that he fell forward, resting his forehead against the armrest in order to calm himself down.