The insides of your mind are supposed to be your safe space unless you are your worst enemy.
But this world seems to ignore that little rule and turn it in its head as it has done with the many physics and logic that I perceived as truth.
But then again, isn't science the act of proving itself wrong with the goal of further discovery?
Though, I would call this 'spiritualism' rather than science.
Sharing mind and body with a parasite, connections with distant voices and entities, and a substance close to the so-called 'fifth element' that I had thought of as nothing but hocus pocus.
This wasn't just some chemicals happening in the human brain.
How can you even trust that the chemicals in your brain tell you they are just 'chemicals'?
There is something higher than the mind.
There has to be one if I'm here.
Perhaps, this is just turbo science that is too advanced for my smooth brain.
Meh…
Well, whatever the explanation is, I'm glad that Cruz could finally stop reading my every thought. You could say that she had a filter that only let thoughts directed at her pass through.
Thankfully, she managed to create this filter before I had to use my messed-up Google search memories; otherwise, I would've traumatized her.
From now on, I better be more careful about this mind stuff once I reach the other relics.
I will take the blame for this mishap, I should have realized earlier that she might be able to see my thoughts once our minds met.
Who would've thought that experiencing quite literal 'mind-numbing pain' could be detrimental to the human psyche?
Kek!
Anyway, with the involuntary intrusion of Cruz in my every thought already dealt with, I could finally have a normal conversation with her…
I was supposed to…
Currently, she was standing at the ice cream cart greedily getting all the spoonfuls she wished for on her regenerating cone since she was the ice cream lady herself.
She wore a white pair of pants and a dress shirt under a stained white apron.
I planned to create a place to calm her down, though I hit a bump on the road almost immediately… Ice cream.
The flavor she wanted the ice cream cart to have stopped me from trying it.
Honestly, just recreating the experience in my mind so I can share it with her has me spent.
Ice cream with meat flavors… Seriously???
Ah, this girl is a meat lover beyond what I'm comfortable with.
… There was a naughty joke to be made but I had broken the bro code plenty with me harrasin- I mean, flirting with Cruz.
… yeah, that is the correct term, I'm sure I wouldn't catch a case with what I had to pull to stop her involuntary mind reading.
I was caught in a bind and had to think of anything that wasn't my past or about this not being my reality.
I don't want this girl to experience the weight of knowledge that some 1s and 0s might have predetermined her entire existence on a game disc.
Though, I am one to talk.
This reality that I find myself in is… well, real.
And the danger of losing myself in a single death is not something I would leave up to chance.
In a world where memories are lost this easily, thinking I'm different is naivety and hypocrisy at its finest. Not even my mind is secure from outside forces.
Perhaps, because I have a bed to return to and people who watch my back, but the loss of memories through death is something I haven't deeply thought of until recently.
If I was a regular Revenant…
Would I still know the face of my dad? Did I cry when a flag came to our doorstep? What flowers did I put on his grave? When was it that my mom slept and never woke up? What did I promise to that old man before spiraling down? Did I keep my promise?
Ah…
*sigh*
…leaving the mental breakdown for whenever I get the time, I sucked it all up and got up from my bench. I had to be in the right mind to figure this out.
I will find my answers later.
I approached the girl in the middle of the park path with heavy steps.
Groups of people crossed by but none interacted with Cruz nor myself.
As if we didn't exist with them.
Their talks were nothing but gibberish that sounded like something you could understand if you even paid the tiniest bit of attention, however, you would still fail.
They were all faceless, but at least I didn't make them creepy. I left everything as a black square instead of trying to make them look like real people.
Our surroundings could be described as a bustling park in the middle of a summer day.
In the end, it is a mere recreation of the park I did my morning jogs in with some alterations to make it a sunny day instead of a cold morning.
"Yoo shurprisingly 'ave 'uite the 'ulinary kmowledge." Cruz garbled a compliment with a mouthful of ice cream.
"You surprisingly have the weirdest tastes in sweets." I took a spoon from the cart and reached for the only container holding a normal ice cream flavor.
Ah, Vanilla. My beloved~
"Oh! Can you add shrimp? Fried shrimp?" She cleaned her mouth with a napkin.
"Ugh-" Just thinking of it made my face scrunch up.
"Pretty please~"
After getting my Vanilla ice cream, I went through the agonizing process of remembering the flavor of fried shrimp.
It's all about reminiscing a memory. Recalling the flavor and smell, the latter is surprisingly a big part of what helps humans remember certain things. The texture of the grainy fried shrimp and the juices that squeeze out of it once bit down on.
Next, I will mold that memory and recreate it differently by mixing it with another experience.
What if it was as soft and cold as ice cream? To melt in the warmth of your mouth.
Once it had been done a few times, the Vanilla ice cream in the cart had changed to a new flavor.
"Thank you~" She sang as she went in for seconds. "Oh~ You even added grains to add texture~" Cruz was almost falling inside the cart to get her scoops.
I just savored my Vanilla ice cream trying to get rid of the fried shrimp smell and flavor that overwhelmed my senses.
It was like the buzz in the ears after getting flash-banged.
This girl was a menace.
This park has people, trees, and snacks. I wanted her to experience something after years of numbness and suffering from the Queen's suppression.
I doubt she has eaten or talked to anyone for these 20 years since the defeat of the Queen.
And the first thing she wants to eat?
Meatloaf ice cream!
"So… what did you want to know?" Cruz asked in a much better mood than before.
Though, her eyes were more focused… they still lacked something.
"About that." I pointed above us with my ice cream cone.
The shiny sky became clear as glass and endless darkness showered the park. Two eldritch abominations are still clashing as if there was no tomorrow.
"Well, to be precise," the sky regained color again and pointed at us, "I want to know what we are."
"I have no idea." She said plainly… almost as if I should be the one to know.
Oh… oh no.
… I had guessed given her relative 'ease' it's just…
Does she really not know?
"Thorns of Judgment, BOR Parasite… Ichor… anything???" The ice cream cone disappeared from my hand and I listed off things that came to mind.
"Nothing." Again, she said plainly.
Not a spark of understanding across her eyes. Confusion was the only thing in there.
For the love of-
But of course!
She is but a part of who knows how many relics!
Right now I must have met the part of her that might as well not know a damn nothing!
Man…
WHY-
*Sigh*
No need to dwell on it.
This is simply bad luck.
That's it.
Not anyone's fault.
"... do you happen to feel a connection with other relics? Any sense that there is something distant that you feel familiar?" If she couldn't understand, it meant that she might as well be isolated from accessing her other memories, her other remains… or maybe…
"You call them that?" She pondered and took… she took a bite of the ice cream.
She is lucky I made this ice cream pretty much brain-freezing proof because they are an experience in my head, if I didn't want them to have a certain effect, it wouldn't happen.
"It's so confusing." She complained but continued, "It has been you and another connection, but now that you are here I can tell there are others as well… but."
"But?" I asked for more details from the girl.
"I can't tell where they are now. I know where you are because-" she just waved her hands around me before continuing, "-but nothing about the others, I- yeah, there is one that is stronger but still too blurry." She tilted her head from side to side.
Cruz frowned and looked over her shoulder, then to her side before looking all over the place.
It became apparent that she felt them, but the signals were too weak most likely. How many do I have to find for her to get access to the remaining relics?
"Can you tell me how many?" My comment brought her back to the conversation.
She only turned back puzzled. "Shouldn't be more than… ten?… seven, I think. Is that too many??"
"Well, that is trouble…"
I could deduce that the 'stronger' signal was from Eva, Jack's partner, as she's the vessel for more than one relic. She only takes relics when a proper recipient isn't found for the relic transfusion.
This is likely due to Juzo Mido. From the number of relics seen in the game that aren't under Mido's control, there are only seven if I exclude myself. This means that the mad scientist has the rest of the relics as in the original set of events and has stolen good recipients, explaining why Jack and Eva are having difficulties finding proper vessels.
Things were bad, but this was not the worst-case scenario. It was surprising, to be honest.
After all, this means that Karen and other successors are still around… though, I might have to ask Jack just in case.
Even if Cruz cannot track Juzo Mido as the man has already fooled Jack, the user of the Queen's eye, she is still capable of helping me with the remaining relics and would be one strong ally if I resurrect her- No, once I resurrect her.
I'll do whatever I can to bring such a strong ally into the game.
Speaking of which, she stopped eating her ice cream and gave me a curious gaze.
It still had a tinge of suspicion. "You really aren't in some weird relationship with Louis, right? I mean, why do you know how his butt looks like-"
Honestly, it was worrying how 'stable' she was at the moment. Enough to talk nonsense. I have to think about how to help her later when she recovers the worst parts of her consciousness.
Anyway.
I rolled my eyes, "I already told you, we went to the hot springs together once."
"...Just the two of you?" Her eyes yet carried mistrust.
"No, there were more people." A lake formed near us.
A ring of rocks began to surface from the grass and the lake turned into steaming water.
In the hot springs, three figures appeared.
"Fufuf~" Rin was one of them.
She wore only a towel to cover her body, but due to her small body, it looked like a shabby dress more than anything.
She began to twist another towel in her hands, ready to strike, "Something something, seen more butt in a cigar?-something~"
The orange-haired girl walked around the Adam who wore only a towel as well.
Both of them were outside the water.
She took a step closer and he took one back.
"Oh? You didn't hear me?" My figure questioned, keeping his distance from her.
They walked in circles.
"Would you repeat that for this lovely lady?" She took a step closer and he took one back.
"Pft- Lovely- Woah-"
Rin used the towel like a whip.
Her strike should've missed, strangely, it didn't.
As the fabric stretched, it twisted midair and struck him.
"Ack!"
"There was this girl who acted like she had the most to cover…" Outside the scene, I pointed at Rin and Cruz followed my finger.
"I disagreed and we ended up fighting with towels. Now I take showers in the bathroom of my room… Out of my own choice."
This was after seeing Luna off the base.
I hadn't tried the hot springs and decided to give it a go.
It wasn't full.
Io had gone to Coco to ask for something.
Since it was the first time she left my side off her own to do something without telling her, I just gave her some Haze and let her be.
Not like Coco would be a bad influence on her.
Yakumo said that it was good to rest before leaving for the next expedition.
I followed the advice as he was a much more experienced fighter than me.
As for Yami and Oliver, they were in the lounge with Yakumo. Though, they would come over to see this scene in a few moments.
I explained all this to her… but Cruz' gaze didn't leave Louis' shirtless figure sitting in the waters…
All context said about how I know what Louis' butt looks like just went through one ear and out the other.
"Anyway, enough about that." I waved the image into nothingness.
The grass overlapped the scenery before it was the only thing left.
"-Hey!" Cruz didn't like that.
"We can talk about your crush later, now you know how my charm didn't affect him and made him move on in life." I remained firm.
She bit her lip before muttering one last question, "... is he doing well?"
I shook my head at the girl, "he's got friends he can trust, he isn't alone so stop worrying about him and look out for yourself for once."
From the beginning, I noticed she hadn't asked anything about her situation despite being in the worst situation.
And the worrying fact that she has gone with the flow until now… Yes, almost as if she isn't taking this seriously enough. Only when Louis was brought up did she have that spark back in her eyes-
Huh, they are made for each other.
"... I don't know much about the relics or other things you asked about, but I believe I know… I am dead, aren't I?"
She wore a complicated expression.
But there were two things I could recognize.
Fear and regret.
"...But there is something I don't understand, why seem to know me, do you know what happened to me?" She asked, her voice hollow of hope.
It looks like she believes she is stuck in some limbo… Understandable, if she doesn't remember anything past being in some medical trials, the next best guess is that she is in some sort of limbo after dying from some accident in her sleep.
"... You aren't dead." I spoke with certainty, "This isn't some afterlife mumbo jumbo. However, your memories are something you will recover along the way." I couldn't just explain to her what had happened at all without having her break down mentally.
She will need to prepare herself…
"Not everything is lost. Your life is yet to be over. I'm here precisely because I need your help," I stated.
"..." She opened her mouth, however, no words came out. It wasn't that she was bewildered, those hollow murky eyes meant something else.
I recognized them as I saw them in the mirror a few times.
They were afraid of hope. When one is the most vulnerable to despair.
"And, as far as you remember, you were living a normal life before waking up in this nightmare, right?"
Waking up in this world was somewhat like that, except I had Io to help me.
Cruz nodded, her ashen complexion now becoming slightly lighter.
I'm sure it all sounded too good for her as the years she spent here trapped with the Queen suppressing her existence were enough to make anyone believe they were in hell.
Whether she believed this was just a sweet moment of lucidity in her nightmare or a delusion that gave her false hope in the last moment before her sense of self collapsed.
She was wrong.
The fact that I just bolted in and had my BOR Parasite suppress the entity that had tormented her for so long was some solid evidence that she wasn't stuck here forever.
Alas, a person who fears can often be irrational.
"Since I woke up, it had been me and… and that… thing," Cruz' shaky hand pointed at the relic getting smacked outside the barrier, "-ah…"
She became speechless for a moment.
It must've been surreal to her.
A fearful person who can be irrational saw a much more irrational sight.
The fraction of the Queen was now a punching bag for my BOR Parasite…
Hell, it was the same with me.
Damn, not even I knew it could move like that!
"Ah… it was just me and that thing…" she repeated with a much lighter tone.
"...tell me, what is the Ichor thing you discussed?" She threw me an odd question, but seeing the luster in her gaze I felt obligated to answer.
"It's the essence that makes the Gifts from Blood Codes work. Think of it as the fifth element that is hard to refine but incredibly powerful if harnessed." I answered.
"Huh? What's a Blood Code?"
"It's what the BOR Parasite grants once it assimilates with the body of a human. It's the term that encapsulates Gifts, which are special powers used through Ichor, and body constitution as in having better eyesight or other senses amplified aside from the general power boost given to the body regardless of Blood Code attained."
"...wow, what about the BOR Parasite?"
She kept asking and I kept answering without giving any information about her being the Queen.
Be it the powers I have obtained or what Louis was doing.
I regurgitated all I've learned from Louis' research notes and the theories he has spoken about.
However, not all of it was concerning Louis.
What is a Lost?
Who was Io?
Who was Yakumo?
Who was Yami?
Who was Oliver?
What did Rin do in the base?
How much time Coco spends in the base…
If Luna talked to Louis…
But, at some point, she stopped talking.
"Ah…" She struggled to speak.
I saw her head hang down with trembling shoulders.
There was no need for me to say anything, I waited for her to continue.
After a long silence, she spoke again.
"... I feel like a piece of shit." She rubbed her eyes with trembling hands.
"..."
"The world you speak of, it all sounds horrible. It's sad… what the people have to go through… Yet, I'm relieved…
Ah, what would Louis think of me?"
If only she knew how much he would give up for her.
Her trembling shoulders relaxed before turning to me.
"All of this… I don't remember much, but I really… I really doubt I could come up with a world and people like you…you-"
She was on the verge of crying… no, I could tell she was about to ugly cry, but she did a hell of a job keeping her composure. "But then you- I felt something out there that was so faint I thought it was a hopeless delusion, something approaching me… but here you are- you… um-Ah!"
"-Cr- *sniffle* -Cruz Silva, by the way… although, it seems you already knew that." She smoothly introduced herself after cleaning some snoot and teary eyes.
Right!
"Name's Adam Howard. Sorry that I didn't think about introducing myself before." Formalities were thrown out the window when mind reading was involved.
"Yeah… I could tell." Despite the moist eyes and snot, she wore a cold expression that didn't match the heat of her words.
What the- she was about to ugly cry a moment ago!
Had she forgotten where she was?
"Huh?" Cruz looked down at the ice cream as she heard an odd sound from it.
"AH- You petty little- turn my ice cream back to normal!" She pointed at the chocolate ice cream in the cart and demanded, the tears coming back up.
"It is normal!" I defended myself.
"You—" Cruz glanced at the ice cream cart with totally normal flavors. "You know what I mean!"
"I don't know what you mean, I am no mind reader!"
"We already settled that it was an accident!-"
The argument couldn't go further as a strange occurrence was not seen but felt.
Something just went through the barrier I had set up.
"Huh????" Cruz was the one to be affected.
Her face was riddled with confusion.
She touched her face and attempted to talk, but nothing was coming from her mouth…
It was as if her presence was being suffocated… not by me.
"Bad fido~" I shook my finger at the parasite glaring in our direction.
The park around us melted as I focused on simply keeping a barrier around Cruz to protect her from my parasite while putting myself between them.
The void was empty of all the noise and color it had before.
Though, now I vividly felt the presence of this parasite much more than before.
I heard some coughing behind me so I knew that Cruz was alright for now…
"Wish you would've taken your time…" I saw the remains of the relic around us.
It was torn to pieces and its remains moved ever so slightly… somehow, it wasn't dead.
And I have an idea why.
Leaving that aside, the relic's consciousness won't be a problem for Cruz for a while, however, now my parasite decided to make itself the issue.
Having devoured the relic, it wanted to move to the second dish, Cruz.
I tapped my chin and wondered, "when it comes to influence in this place, who wins?"
After discovering that Cruz read my thoughts involuntarily by just being inside my mind, a thought came to mind, 'what if this entity could see my every thought, be it voluntary or not?'
I had sort of guessed that it could only notice if I intently directed my thoughts towards it.
But now I wasn't so sure…
Be that as it may, Cruz's safety came before smacking this parasite of mine.
"We are done here." I had made my intent clear
A deep black sphere only visible in the void because of its myriad of crimson floated with no destination.
The parasite had remained unanswering this whole time and my comment hadn't changed that fact.
I have wondered why it hadn't tried to take over me after the first time I woke up in this world.
I only have three ideas.
It just couldn't do it without me being near frenzy.
My status as a transmigrator made it dangerous to do so.
Or… it simply knew better.
Whether it was immunity or risk the only deterrent, I wasn't about to let this thing rule over me.
It wanted me to bend to its will?
Then it better fight for it.
I'm not using my second chance at life cowering. I've already wasted it once.
After all, I could sense it now easier than before.
Yes, right now, its presence felt clearer.
And that was the reason I felt like I could reach it.
The distance between us wasn't as far as before.
My hand was itching.
Every frustration and pent-up anger could be used for something other than testing the limits of the 'it is what it is' mantra.
I really wanted to throw a punch.
But I shouldn't.
Not now.
{...}
"I will see if we can get in contact in some other way," I said without tearing my eyes off the parasite.
"... You… are leaving?" I heard the girl whimper behind me.
"I haven't tamed this thing, it is for the best. Besides, the relic won't be tormenting you for a while, when it does, I'll be back." And I hope I can bring Louis when I do so.
"... right."
Like handling a delicate flower, I did my best to envision an invisible force moving the apprehensive girl outside my mind. The remaining pieces of the relic were dragged along with Cruz.
The process was agonizingly slow, It's not that it was challenging, but because I was fully prepared to intercept whatever my parasite could do.
I couldn't rush this.
And in the blink of an eye-
_________________________________________
Word Count: 4,209
Are you confused about the little fight between Rin and Adam?
Well, me too!
I forgot to add it between chapters 18 and 19. It is mentioned that it happened at the end of "Preparations" when Adam is checking his supplies before departing to the Dried Up Trenches.