Once I got home I saw Shu standing in the hallway looking into my room through the open door.
"Shu! Is she okay?"
"Just come and look"
I rushed forward and as I entered the room, I realized that Sayna 'not feeling well', and 'doesn't look alright' didn't mean she was sick, but she literally wasn't feeling well.
My room, which has been Sayna's room for some time now has been thoroughly thrashed. The mirror was broken, and shelves were taken out of the closet and thrown to the ground. The wardrobe was open but with nothing hanging inside as all its contents had also been thrown out on the floor. There was a big pile of mess in the middle of the room, an opened trunk suitcase, which I recognized to be Sayna's, and finally - there was Sayna sitting on her bed hugging her knees with vacant eyes.
"Sayna...? What's wrong?"
To avoid setting her off in some crazy ways, I approached her slowly.
"Don't come close to me"
Sayna spoke but there was no anger in her voice. Instead, all I felt was a sense of resignation.
"Hey, it's okay. Tell me what's wrong. Can I do anything for you?"
"No. It's all over. There's nothing you can do"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm moving out"
"Where are you going? Back to your flat?"
"What do you care?"
"Come on, Sayna. Of course, I care. We can talk through it okay?"
I sensed that she already exploded while I wasn't around and there was nothing to diffuse anymore here, but she needed to be comforted.
"Really…? You really care…?"
Sayna spoke after a very long pause.
"Yeah, I do"
I put my arm around Sayna's shoulder, half expecting that she would screech and push me away like an angry cat, but she didn't. Instead, she actually squirmed closer to me and rested her head on my shoulder.
"You really… care about me?"
"Don't worry, Sayna. I'm here"
"Then will you… take care of me?"
"Hey, we are all taking care of each other here, right? You don't have to feel worried here. It's our home"
She then pressed her body tighter to me, so I squeezed her shoulder a little tighter too.
"Can you take care of… only me?"
"Uh-, what do you mean?"
"Like… don't abandon me for other girls…"
Uh-oh.
Maybe this moment was a long time in the making. I should have seen it coming, and I probably have but was just trying not to acknowledge it. Sayna has grown feelings towards me that were a little different from just us three victims supporting each other emotionally. I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready for anyone.
"Sayna… I won't abandon you, but-"
Sayna then buried her face deep into my chest and started to sob.
"Please… don't abandon me again…"
"Sayna, I didn't. I didn't abandon you"
"But you left us… you left us to go to another girl… I can't…"
"Come on, it's not like that. I'm sorry I left, but it was nothing like that"
There wasn't much I could do while Sayna wasn't responding and just kept her face buried in my chest. I then looked up and Shu still standing by the door. I motioned to him to come in, and he did, but his steps were heavy and he looked very tired - beyond just physically tired, but tired of being on the edge, tired of silence at the dinner table, tired of awkwardness, tired of musical bed, tired of everything… good things for us were too far in between… why were we like this?
As Shu came and stood in front of us, I extended another arm to hold Shu's hand and gently pulled him over. He sat next to me like Sayna did, and put his head on my other shoulder like Sayna did, without a word.
I don't know why, but I felt like I could cry at any moment. But I felt like I couldn't. I should let these guys cry, but I shouldn't cry. Or maybe I could, but not in front of them.
I embraced both Shu and Sayna tightly and spoke to them.
"We will pull through this together, OK? We will be fine. We are family"
None of us said anything after that. We just sat there embracing each other.
So this is my family now.