WITH MONDAY CAME THE RETURN OF COLLEGE.
It was a new year and new semester. The campus on which I had spent two years on looked nearly unrecognizable to me as I shuffled my way through the courtyard. All the buildings looked the same – towering and looming over us while the students all staggered in with tired and exhausted faces. It seemed I was the only one who was walking in with a smile, ready to get back into the campus life and meet old classmates again.
A gentle breeze washed through the morning air and I relished in the soothing effect it had. My hands were stuffed inside my jean pockets and my bag swung over one shoulder lazily. The sky above had darkened with grey clouds and I knew it was probably going to start raining once more within the next few minutes. Pulling out my phone, I frowned when trying to remember where the lecture rooms all were and in which building they were situated. With a campus so large that it could take ten to fifteen minutes to walk from one part to the next, depending on where you were going, classes were held in different locations that made it hard to get from one lecture to the next without being a little late sometimes.
Where was MB1023 again?
"Étienne! You're back!"
When I heard my voice being called, I glanced over my shoulder to see one of my classmates, Maya, make her way over to me. Her long, red hair tumbled down her back in soft waves and brown freckles dotted her entire face with a bright smile. She was puffed up with a hoodie and jacket paired together and I offered her a polite grin as she came to a stop in front of me.
"It's so good to see you again," she chatted and fell in line with my steps, "I thought you were never going to come back."
Maya was one of the first friends I had made in my lectures – way back in my first year of college. She was the kind of girl that knew everyone and was friends with everyone, but it was nice to have someone who was informed about anything class and college related. We didn't hang out much outside of class, but she always made the effort to come sit with me if I was alone, which I appreciated.
"I told you I'd be coming back at the end of summer," I hummed, "It's about time I came back. A year away was too long."
"You haven't missed much," Maya rolled her eyes, "O'Brien is still an asshole with the lectures."
"Ouch," I winced, "Is he still giving those weekly exam things?"
"Yes," she huffed, "It wouldn't even be bad but he does negative marking and if we don't pass our final grade gets docked by ten percent."
In almost every college, there were the bitter lecturers who seemed to hate their job and didn't want to put in the effort to teach. Of course, there were the favourite lecturers too – of whom were loved by everyone. If we had the option to choose our modules, we usually tried to avoid certain ones unless the topic was extremely interesting.
"Glad I missed that then," I chuckled and ducked inside the building, "He hates me from first year so that class wouldn't have helped my grades."
"That's just because you kept asking him for sources and wanted citations for his power-points," she rolled her eyes with a laugh, "It kept us all awake though so. . . I'm not complaining."
"Exactly," I flashed her a grin, "I was doing us all a favour if you think about it."
My focus on Maya quickly disappeared when my eyes landed on Louella. She was nearly cowering in the corner, eyes flickering all around her as if something was going to pop out in front of her. A long, oversized hoodie fit her like a dress and a black beanie was pulled over her head until it nearly covered her eyes. She was fiddling with her fingers, weaving them in and out of each other while she waited outside her lecture door.
"Hey, I'll catch you later, okay?" I patted Maya on the arm, not even giving her a second to respond before I brushed past her and made my way over to my best friend. Her eyes immediately landed on my approaching figure and she offered me a minuscule smile that was supposed to ease my worries but it only heightened them instead.
"Hey," I said and sidled closer to her, "I didn't know you were back today."
"I made the mistake of telling my mom I had class," she sighed quietly, "She basically forced me to leave the house for a few hours."
She looked tired. With dark purple bags lining her under-eyes that no amount of concealer could hide, concern filled me whole at her appearance.
"Well, I'm glad," I smiled, "I didn't get to see you much the past few days."
"Sorry about that," she lifted one shoulder up into a shrug, "I've had a lot going on, I guess. How are you doing though?"
"Good, good," I replied, "A little tired though. Who wants to wake up at eight for class?"
Louella cracked a smile and it made my chest warm inside at the fact that I had managed to elicit that response from her.
"They want us to suffer," she joked, but I didn't miss the way her eyes kept wandering around the open-area around us. It was as if she searching for something or someone but I just couldn't figure out what or who.
"You're taking sociology this year?" I asked her, "I didn't know you had that option."
"It was on my timetable so I guess I am," Louella shrugged, "The only other sociology module I took was with you when we were in first year."
I cracked a smile, "Oh, yeah. We barely passed that module."
Louella and I had a few similar classes each semester. Usually, I opted for taking a Psychology module that was the same as hers whenever I could because I loved being able to work alongside her. Even if I struggled a lot in those classes, sitting next to her and talking to her made it all worth it. Distracted by the conversation, she nodded and for a moment it seemed as though everything was normal.
"I just never understood all the Marxism and Durkheim theory," she groaned, "It was too much for my brain to process."
"I was five percent away from failing," I choked, "Probably shouldn't have slept at the back of the lecture halls every day. That might have helped."
Louella exhaled a small, breathy laugh and nodded, "Maybe."
Everyone started to shuffle away to one side suddenly, and we both turned around to see the lecturer half run, half walk her way over to the doors and pulled out a large key to unlock it and let us inside. We all blinked in surprise at her hair that lay limp around her shoulders – droplets of rain dripping onto the ground and her grey cardigan and leggings that matched. She had a friendly-looking face, albeit a bit frazzled at that moment in time. Large, black glasses were perched on the tip of her nose that appeared as though they were less than a second away from falling off.
"Sorry for being late!" she breathed heavily and banged on her chest with her fist, "The traffic was crazy this morning."
Louella and I shared matching gazes before stifling our growing smiles and shuffled in after the teacher for the two-hour lecture to start.
***
"Are you free now?"
I leaned over the back of the uncomfortable seat and stretched my arms over my head after sitting in the same position for two hours. Louella did the same and we both yawned in unison, feeling drained of all energy. My stomach grumbled in hunger and my cheeks flushed in embarrassment at the loud noise.
"Feeling hungry?" she mused.
"Just a little," I admitted with a chuckle, "If you're free, do you want to grab something to eat?"
Hesitation crossed her face and I waited with baited breath while she seemed to mull over the decision. I crossed my fingers behind my back and prayed that she would agree. I didn't want her to leave this soon and even though we had spent the better part of two hours together, we didn't get to talk about anything as the lecturer rambled on.
"I guess I have a little time," she finally said, "I have to head home by twelve though. We have guests tonight and she wants help cleaning up before they come."
Excitement filled my chest and I jumped out of my seat and gestured for her to follow. Louella rolled her eyes at the immediate enthusiasm but she grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair and shuffled out of the row, hot on my heels. Most of the students had already left with only a few lingering behind that were either waiting to talk to the lecturer or too lazy to get up.
"Where do you want to go?" I asked her when she fell in line with me and we were walking side by side – shoulders nearly brushing.
Louella appeared lost in her thoughts and her eyes were glazed over with no particular emotion being displayed. The rain from earlier had let up and all that was left was a cold breeze that felt like it could tear through the skin with a single blow.
"I don't really mind," she hummed, "Anywhere you want."
"You used to love going to Stables," I reminded her, "Do you want to go there again? It's been so long since I've tried their food."
The reminder brought a beautiful smile to her face and she immediately nodded. She wrapped her coat around her tighter and her arms were crossed over her chest in a defensive stance. It was one that I noticed she did often, as if warding something off. Her face was extremely pale, as though all the life had been sucked out of it.
"Tell me about France," Louella surprised me by talking first, "We didn't get to talk about it too much."
"It was good I guess," I scratched the back of my head, "My parents made me visit all the family over there which was a lot more awkward than I had thought it would be."
Louella exhaled a shaky laugh, "I forgot you're socially awkward."
"It's not me, okay? I mean, they practically shoved me down on the couch and asked a thousand questions about literally everything," I defended, "I thought I was never going to make it out alive."
"Now I know you're being dramatic," she nudged my shoulder without even seeming to realize what she was doing, "I'm sure they just missed you a lot. You don't go over often."
"They were asking me about my blood type," I deadpanned, "Not just that, but then my birthday so they could figure out my star sign and my God, it was torture – I'm telling you."
Louella's face changed into a vision of relaxed joy and unrestrained mirth. Vibrant and heart-warming, her quiet chuckle rolled around me like a child's spinning top. When she peeked up at with her gentle but guarded eyes, they were like the door to my soul – opening every part of me up to her. In such a chaotic world, she was the only one who could ever calm everything around me with a single glance. I might as well have called myself bewitched for she made me want to reach to the ends of the earth for her.
"I love your family," she admitted, "They're great entertainment."
"Yeah, maybe for you they are," I grumbled, "Some of the rest of us aren't lucky enough to watch from the sidelines."
Even though half of my family lived in France, they did frequently come for the summer holidays here. Louella had met a lot of them and it was no surprise they took a liking to her. There was never a break from their hounding questions of when we were going to get together and that by wasting time, I was letting her slip out of grasp. To say that would imply that she was ever even interested - to which I knew she wasn't.
Over the years, Louella had quite a few serious relationships. It wasn't easy sitting on the side and watching her fall in and out of love so many times. But there wasn't anything I could do other than be the supportive best friend as usual. I wasn't sure when my minuscule crush developed into something more powerful but perhaps it was when I had to spend a year apart from her that I realized how much I missed her. Her jokes, smiles and laughter were the highlights of my days and when she started becoming distant, it felt as though someone had grabbed my heart with their bare hands and squeezed it tight.
I wished I wasn't invisible to her. I wished that she would look at me and see in me what I truly felt for her - but that was only something that would happen in some alternate universe somewhere.
"Do you want to grab a table inside or outside?"
I blinked when Louella's voice broke through my internal dialogue and I hadn't even realized we were standing in front of Stables. The restaurant-café hadn't changed at all - with picnic tables surrounding the outside area, umbrellas in the middle for when it rained. It was painted a bright cream colour that was beginning to chip at some of the edges but that didn't take away from the overall beauty of the place. Flowers lined the windowsills and pathway up to the entrance.
"Inside?" I questioned, "It's a bit chilly out here."
"Sure," she smiled, "Come on, then. You look like you're going to get pneumonia if you stand out here for another second."
"Funny," I deadpanned, "You realize it's pretty much like three degrees, right?"
"Mhm," she hummed under her breath, not really paying attention to what I was saying as she basked in the warmth of the restaurant. Menú's were hung up on the walls, written in curly font that made it slightly hard to read but I had memorized my order ever since the first day I had tried eating here.
"Go ahead and order," she gestured for me to join the line, "Everyone will skip you if you just stand there idly."
"Right," I coughed, "Do you want anything?"
"No, no," she raised her hands in another defensive manner and shook her head, "It's okay."
"You're not going to make me eat alone, are you?" I pretended to pout, "Please?"
It was worrying just how much weight Louella seemed to have lost. The clothes she wore now were too big to even see an inch of her skin but her face had hollowed in and I could make out the faint jutting of her collarbone. I wasn't going to push it and make her feel guilty but I hoped that by me being here she would nibble on something, even if it was only a slice of bread.
"Sure," she sighed, "Um, I guess I'll have the tuna panini and a cup of tea."
"Great," I flashed her an encouraging smile, "Do you want it heated up? Any sides?"
"No thank you," she replied softly, "Thanks, Étienne."
My name from her lips sounded sweet and a lot more special than when anyone else said it. However, telling her that would probably send her running to the hills faster than Beck could from Joe. So instead, I kept my mouth shut but I didn't shy away from letting a smile blossom across my mouth for she would always have a special place in my heart - no matter how far apart we were. And even though I had already spent years waiting for her, forever was all we had and I knew I could wait a little longer if it meant she would find her way to me in the end.
****