A/N: The chapter ahead has been grammar-checked but may need proofreading and editing. The author will do so if she has free time in the future.
***
I assume that I was dead, for I can see my whole, damned life flashing before my eyes. It may sound impossible, but I want to believe that I am, indeed, dead. I don't want to return. I wish I could escape my tragic life. How I wish...everything is just a cruel, ruthless nightmare.
There are thousands of memories playing in front of me. They are surrounding me. They made me feel small, so I sat on the solid surface and buried my face against my knees while covering my ears.
I don't want to hear them again. I don't want to see them again. I don't want to relive every moment in my mind. I want to forget everything.
"Aren't they cruel?" A deep, guttural voice said beside me.
I instantly jumped away and glared at the person who talked to me.
It's a body of black smoke with red eyes. No mouth, just luminous red eyes. Its body is slender, about eight feet tall, with unguligrade legs, horns, and menacingly sharp claws. The longer I observe the thing in front of me, the more I realize how it resembles a Veil.
"Don't be wary of me, girl. I am but a friend."
"Friend? Don't bullshit me."
It laughed—a croaky one.
"Don't be mean. Can't you see we're alike?"
I squint my eyes at him as I straighten my posture and collect my composure. Still, I am on my guard. I saw our surroundings crumble until we were in an infinite void. At first, I couldn't see a thing until a ray of faint light shone over us. He's circling me. His back is hunched.
"Who are you? No, what are you?"
I don't sense any ill intent from him. It's like he's invincible: I couldn't feel his presence and aura. Nothing at all.
"I am but a friend," he repeated, annoying me. But cold that I am, I expressed a blank face only.
He stopped behind me. I did not bother to look back. "I am who dwells in the dark. The all-knower."
All-knower?
"Am I able to die?" This is what I asked of all the things I want answered. It made him laugh, and he walked in front of me.
"You are a true immortal, girl. You are unkillable. Nothing can kill you."
"That's the worst thing I've ever heard. I want to die."
He pushed his face closer to mine and murmured, "Do you?" I was stunned.
"You don't. You only want to escape, girl. But death is not an escape."
I scoffed. It seems like we have an entity of words of wisdom here. What a load of crap.
"What do you want from me?" I flicked my finger, trying to summon my throne, but nothing happened. I flicked again and another, but the result was the same.
"Magic cannot touch this space. Only the soul can exist here." The soul?
"So, I am dead?" My soul is here, so it would only mean what I wish to be, right?
To be dead, what else?
"A part of you."
I flicked my fingers again. This time, my throne was summoned. It astounded him, and I can read him. He's wondering how it happened when he believed that magic could not exist in this space.
I sat on my throne and crossed my legs. I placed my right elbow on the cushioned armrest and rested my head atop my knuckles. "Now, get straight to the point, or I will destroy you. I don't give a fuck whether you're some god or some supreme being. You're wasting my time and draining my bar of patience. Speak your purpose and motives." I ordered powerfully before shrinking him into a mouse's size. I looked down at him with piercing, cold stares.
I may be emotionally unstable, but I don't use it as an excuse to let anything or anyone take advantage of it. They can try, but my mind is still sound to not fall into brainwashing or what.
"Impatient like your father. Then…"
I was impressed when he returned himself to his original size. "You were given a second chance to live, girl."
My muscles tensed from what I had heard. "Second chance to live? I'd live in the same hell all over again? Are you saying some motherfucker pushed the reset button of my life?" Who the fuck did that?
"Yes and quite no. Yes, somebody pushed your life's reset button, and quite no, because you will live a different life."
"I am reincarnated?" Hmm, if I am reincarnated, I want to be a cloud. High enough to be from people's grasp, I will produce the cruelest and strongest thunderstorms. Powerful enough to roast Ancients.
"No. You are still Holy Azarese Elyzena Dragunovv-Warlock---WITH A COMPLETE FAMILY." He put stern emphasis on the words he said later.
He walked behind me, but his head was leaning over to my right.
I stared at the ground, trying to absorb what he just said.
"My Mom is alive? She survived?"
"Yes, Your Majesty. Everyone is alive. You are still you, cursed, but your curses are sealed away, including your Bloodline Magic. Your other strengths remained in you; only those were taken away---"
The rest of his monologue turned into static when my ears received them. All I could ever think was about the second life of mine he mentioned. A life with me still me, but with the biggest and most impossible twist: MY MOTHER SURVIVED.
I was born cursed. My curses are unexplainable; they said it never occurred before. Therefore, they concluded that my curse was put on me specifically. It cannot be learned or copied. It is unique, and its exclusiveness for me made me feel special. But no, I hate it anyway.
My mother was 'blackened' during her delivery. 'Blackening' is one of my powerful curses. Anyone who gets close to me turns into a glossy, black stone. I am Medusa without her snake hair and stone-turner eyes. That's why I've been alone all my life. Another is 'Wither,' where living forms belonging to nature wither in my presence. I want to receive a rose, you know.
I took my mother's life, and I got hated for it. I, an innocent child who hasn't developed consciousness yet, was rejected by her other parent. Not everyone hated and avoided me. My grandparents were kind to me. They filled my early childhood with happiness. We play a lot; of course, they are distant from me. Then, there is Daddy Liorei. He was a father to me. He guided me to the light, made sure not to be blinded by the rejection and hate I was experiencing, and told me many times to be understanding, that someday, my father would accept once he came to his senses.
Of course, that never happened. My father remained the same vengeful bitch until his death. I let the Pure Nobility influence me with their ill whispers that later poisoned my mind, creating the slumbering villain in me. I was a kid back then. I was only six. Now I am older, and I know better. Or maybe not. Still, I can decide and choose independently without their snout's control.
I wish I could tell Daddy Liore how sorry I am for betraying his trust. I lost my path. I was sorry for everything I had done, but a part of me says everything deserved how it ended up. And a second chance is something I do not deserve.
"I don't want that 'second chance'. I don't want to live again, even if it's already good." Where would I get the audacity to treat them kindly and smile at them warmly after all the evil things I did to them? A second chance means a new me. I don't want to change who I am. I've learned to embrace the 'me' now. If I were to create a new persona, then that means I am a fake. I want to be true to everyone because I know they will die for me. They will because their loyalty lies with us, Warlocks. I can't betray that by socializing with them with a fake personality.
"Really? Even though you want it?" He provoked.
I clenched my hand against the armrests tightly.
He traveled in front of me. "But it's inescapable since you've been born already in that timeline."
"WHAT?"
He nodded, "Uh-huh. Look,"
He stepped aside and swiped his hand in the air. A scenario played in front of me from a third point of view. Something in my heart twitched, and my guts tightened at seeing my parents looking at me lovingly.
"My Holy," my mother said after I read her lips. It triggered my tears to fall. And I, as a baby in her arms, cried too.
My father, whom I had known as a cold bastard all my life, carefully took me from my mother and rocked me gently in his toned arms. "She's a crybaby too, like Fiery. I had a feeling that we spawned another troublemaker,"
"They're all troublemakers in their ways. Fiery is the most energetic, but our silent Astaroth was the most destructive,"
"Indeed. Izaac was the worst of them all when he was younger. When will he ever mature, that little kid."
I feel that being's cold form touches my cheek. He wiped my tears.
"Happiness is an illusion, girl. Watch yourself and everything else from here, and you will see that not all second chances are meant to be heaven. Your first life is only damned. This life may be hell."
I slide my eyes to his place. He's slowly fading. "What do you mean by that? Don't you dare leave me with your cliffhanger!" But the shit gave me one last teasing laugh before he was gone entirely.
Damn it.
Suddenly, my other self showed up. It was the opposite of me: the 'me' before I chose to fuck everything up. She's golden; we are golden. Our hair and eyes were golden and lustrous. Our hair, when hit by the sun, shines. And when we cry, our tears turn to diamonds when dried. It's a characteristic we got from our mother.
"This is what we wanted, bad Azarese. A complete, happy family," she smiled kindly while caressing the screen before us.
I crossed my arms and contemplated deeply. Indeed, that 'Thing' meant something. Why can't the deities give me a break? Why do I have to live another round of my life? I'm done with it. I don't need another. So, why must I go through another? I don't care if my fate will be different this time. I just… I couldn't…
I did not deserve this.
"We can play closely with them now. What do you think our brothers are like? I bet they are fun. I want to learn many things from them! Their experiences, their memories before we exist, fun stories! Bad Azarese, are you not excited? Our fate will be sweet and full of love this time!" She ran to me with her everlasting kind smile and hugged me. I remained still, unmoved by her little dream.
There has to be something. First, I need to find out the reason for my rebirth. Did the deities take pity on me? Then, they took their time since I'd already destroyed their beloved little planet.
I can't tell that to my opposite since she's light itself. She has an unwavering optimism, the virtue we got from Daddy Liore. So, it's best not to tell her. She may be my opposite, but she's long dead. She's now a part of me, a voice and persona inside my head. She's a friend and a family. Call her imaginary; I don't care because I am, indeed, fucked in the head.
I smiled at her and embraced her back. "Yes. It will be sweet and full…of love…"
That's right. I only have myself. I comfort myself like this, and it somehow makes me feel better. This is the coping mechanism armor I built up. This is my last string of sanity. So, if this breaks, who knows what will happen?
"Can we go to a brighter place? This space is so dark. It scares me, bad Azarese. Your monsters are hiding here, right? I don't want to meet your monsters," she pleaded while taking sneak glances around us.
I sighed. "What monsters are you saying? I don't know what this place is, either. The last memory I can recall before arriving here is I cried myself to sleep. I was already here when I opened my eyes," I confessed.
Suddenly, she cupped my cheeks with worry in her eyes. "You cried again? Are you alright?"
See? She's the last thing who worries about my well-being since I've lost everybody who treats me kindly.
"Yes. I have to be. Who knows? Maybe this is just a dream. Don't get your hopes up. I'll update you once I wake up and see things are as fucked as they were."
It saddened her. "Can it not be just a dream? Bad Azarese, you deserve another life. It's a chance to make things right. Can't you see the future? It's playing in front of you right now. Please, don't be hard on yourself." She placed her hand on my cheek. Her eyes were tearful.
"You deserved happiness," she said with the softest voice and a hopeful smile.
I hold her hand, feel her palm on my cheek, and then put it down.
"A new life will never heal the scars and wounds of my first one. Happiness is not a cure. Love is not either. Things such as those… are not enough to rebuild me. I am shattered delicately. I cannot be fixed. And you should learn to accept that."
I watch her fade away. I kept my contact with her innocent yet sad eyes. When she was gone, I stared at the playing scenario before me. It was like I was watching a film that just got started. Everything is perfect since it has just begun, and later on, the dramas and twists will unfold one after another. That's what life is—a film.
I breathe deeply.
Since my consciousness is here, it only means that the baby 'me' is an empty vessel that reacts to my certain emotions. It cried when I cried earlier. We are connected, even though I, as a consciousness or a soul, is separated from the body. I can watch the early events from here while controlling my little body. Observation is a must. I've never known my family closely before, so I will use this advantage to know them better.
I will decide whether this second chance is worth living from here.