I am not certain of where to start, I was never good with words, or I was never able to speak properly when around you... My Emi... My. Emi. It is not your real name, you never told me your real name, I admit to feeling slightly betrayed knowing that I could never be trusted with that information. It doesn't matter, you are Emi to me, what else could you be, and if you come back to me, as I hope you do... Come back as Emi, it's her I miss, it's her I want, how selfish of me to want this, to want you, it is funny, how can one love a friend this way. I call you friend and yet I can hardly remember our first encounter. I can't remember why you chose those letters to call yourself. Those thoughts are fuzzy, I do remember us laughing about it afterwards, and still you never shared your name with me, perhaps it does matter, the name your parents gave you. When you come back I shall [REDACTED} is. All I remember of our first meeting, our true first meeting was the dimly lit chamber, all the angry faces, those people thinking you were some weapon of ours. [Letters to the dragon, Letter one, The First Paragraph]
I should start at the beginning, your beginning. You were home from school for a week on one of the rear holidays you are allowed in Yahsuh, the place where you come from, "This is the land of your birth, your Yahsuh" as they say in that place, now a shell of glory, a husk of former splendor. You thought the holiday was frivolous, It might have been something celebrating the elites or some other thing, you're certain it has nothing to do with the church, you'd know if it did, you know near everything they allowed you to know about the church, "near everything" because you are certain it hides things. You yourself are an elite of a sort, you despise your status, because your parents getting married was somehow unbecoming of your mother.
The break from school was pointless, at the same time you wished the break went on for a longer time, you would not missing going to school for six days straight. You wished the break went on for longer because you were sitting around your computer at nearly one in the morning and you haven't slept a wink the entire break, and come morning you have to be at school. You haven't eaten either, or eaten so little it made no difference, they kept leaving food at your door but you didn't touch it, you want nothing "they" made or touched, you're certain they made all the food left at your door, your mother hasn't cooked in years, it doesn't matter to her that you starved, her diet consisted of little more than fermented fruit juice. What does it matter to her if you're home from school, she never talks to you, what does it matter that you've only eaten junk food for a week. You grounded your teeth at the thoughts, that wasn't smart, your head felt like a bottle of water and dirt, the dirt settled at the bottom but the slightest provocation kicked up the dirt and mottled your mind.
You're doing things you shouldn't, you are scrolling through information that would scandalize the most reprehensible of your peers. The government keeps a tight rein on what they allow its citizens to see, even the elites, not until they've developed the proper view of the world. A part of you doesn't care that you are looking at things you shouldn't, you want them to find you, to find your parents, maybe they would get punished instead of you, after all they allowed this to happen, 'fruits of neglect, maybe she could ferment that.' you thought, just barely stopping yourself from grinding your teeth. You nor your parents would really get into any trouble though, not even your halfwit, outlander father, your mother was too important, or she had been, but her parents and siblings still had influence even if your mother had disgraced herself and the family.
With that in mind, because it was in your mind and you want to push it away. You scoured this new resource you couldn't get your hands on up until... well the break, you think this break wasn't so bad after all, even if you should just let your head fall on the keyboard and shut your eyes. Maybe it was the sleep mottling your mind but the thought made you think about your mother, blackout drunk in the kitchen, her head lulling and limbs loose. You recoil from the thought and you stroke the old scar gently.
Your grandparents would heavily disapprove of her drinking, not very ladylike, not that you would guess that she wasn't, with her cool serenity and easy smiles. She never bothered to teach you how to do that, and you are a bit grateful she didn't bother to, somehow you were not comfortable with that sort of deceit. You're not wholly grateful of course, not that you are being ungrateful, the sole reason you can not hide your emotions under sweet words and a smooth face was due only to your mother's, "neglect policy", as you sometimes call it, so no, if your grandparents knew about her love of fermented fruits they would not be pleased.
These are the thoughts that float throughout your head as you try to cram your head full of anything you can find that talks about "The Dragon" and "the Black Rebellion", you don't learn much more that you already knew, in fact you don't learn anything more than you already knew, it seems no one outside of Yahsuh knew the rebellion had happened until it was long over. People have put together reasonable speculations however, entertaining of course but pointless.
You do learn Dragons aren't just people who have done unspeakable things to the empire in the past but actual beasts, and this makes sense, there have been other dragons in the past, but no records left by them or anyone. Maybe there were more or it could just be that the dragon of the Rebellion was the only dragon, named for the huge serpentine beast that was lost or "buried" in the annals of history since no one ever spoke of them, that could just be another secret though. Those things could somehow fly despite being so big and without wings, some sources claimed the lion headed beasts had wings, but most sources say this was just added by people who tried to explain how the things flew. The common consensus seems to say, the things were huge, scaly and snake like, having four feet, with sharp talons at the ends, lion's head and glorious manes.
You're struggling to keep awake, to retain information, it was too much and you should absolutely sleep, but you find a group chat about dragons, the people there speak Stu'on, an old bastard form of Yahsuhan that first came about in the age when Yahsuh conquered everything from the plains of Stu'on to Ka-lem'ncb.
Stu'on had changed so much over the years people would never think one came from the other. So when you tried to sift through the available information nothing stuck with you, you're too tired and you only know a little bit of the language though this is what your father spoke or had spoken, he tried to teach you when you were younger but he would get headaches whenever he made the attempt. It seemed headaches often plagued him whenever you asked him to do anything that required him to think. You felt a pang of sadness for your father, just as quickly your sadness was drowned in a wash of anger, he shouldn't be so weak, no man should.
You shake your head and regret it, that hurt, you hold your head, trying to keep your tenuous grasp on focus, because you could never finish anything and you ought to at least finish reading. What kind of deplorable would you be if you couldn't do that? Well... you would be you because not long after trying to read a conversation in reverse you decide to try asking something instead. "I want know about Dragon."
"There, concise and to the point", this will be easier than trying to read in reverse a conversation in a different language, this is what you tell yourself, they are just excuses that you feel gnawing at you, it doesn't matter they will fade.
Minutes pass and you get no response from the people in the group chat, you no longer feel agitated with yourself and your excuses, you are too fatigued to. Nevertheless you turn again to reading, pushing sleep to the back of your mind. The reading too is fruitless, most of the material is in Stu'on, it seems that Stu'on is the language used by most people online, there's hardly anything in proper Yahsuhan. You're thinking this when a notification pings, your eyes swivel towards the bottom right corner of your screen, everything went blurry, words leapt up at you, and then there was nothing but darkness.
You don't know when, or remember if you had read those texts you know…falling. You're falling into… nothing, you don't know why you know this but you do. You are nothing in this moment, where is your body you wonder, what is a body, what might you be, and how are you falling when you have no body, no weight, no self, you don't know. You want your body, then you stopped, you didn't hit the ground, you just stopped, you're not tired, but not refreshed, your mind is still trying to adjust to whatever this is, the thoughts of before aren't even clear. You have hands now, a body, wait why should that matter, didn't you always?
You tried pushing yourself up but your hands slipped through whatever this was, solidity gave way to dust, you felt the nothingness whirled around you, 'air?', no, not even that, it was nothing, nothing gave way to more nothing. You felt it around you along your arm, creeping, pulling, gently at first but insistently when it felt your fear, how did you know it could feel fear? How can you feel nothing surrounding you? It was as if the vast blackness were alive. The nothingness shivered and you shivered with it. You yanked your arms free, and before you realized it you're off your knees and running, gears turned in your mind, 'nothingness', nothingness that was ground and air alike. You felt uneasy, your breath became shallow, not because you feel tired, no, you don't recognize this of course in your panic, you just don't like this one bit. It perplexed you, hollowed out your gut, but you kept running with the thought that the thing you're running from is right under you, above you, to your sides, in your lungs.
Whenever you'd think about something you don't understand, your brain runs into a wall of sorts. You can never get through or around, so you turn away from the thought, and you do this now, tried to anyways, by shutting your eyes, but you couldn't possibly get away from your assailant now, it was around you, it was as if you were pressing up against the wall but instead of being firm or toppling it moved back, constantly just out of reach, and constantly moving the morsel you needed to fit things together, to escape.
The dark was around you again, filling your lungs, soft as silk sliding on your skin, goosebumps prickling your arms and thighs… you pressed harder, running, running, running, and nearly stumbling.
You're running, 'running in the air, the air that is choking me… this nothingness?—', you fall, and scream, it doesn't come out, as if the nothingness took the sound from your throat.
'No no don't think of the blackness around you, in you, just run, run to where.' You don't know why but that seems to make the most sense, so you push back the tingling thought that tells you this place isn't right, the thing to do is to not think.
Your feet carried you in the blackness, they didn't touch ground, just air but you were running, you try not to think about it but you can't, you let your mind think about the impossibility of it all and, wasn't it chasing you? This was the wrong thought, you fall, like you tripped on something, on nothing and you went down hard, half formed thoughts tell you this makes no sense but this is what is happening.
You float and tumble and fall, and then you hit something, you felt it. And you bounce off it, thinking only of the pain that never was, it should hurt, you know you hit something, it was just… No, you spin away from the wall.
You're on your bottom, partly submerged in… water, no, not water, it felt like water but you were never wet, and it didn't feel warm or cold, but it wasn't the nothingness, it was... something…
Before the wall could form around crucial components of your thoughts, the air changed, it was warmer now. And you feel… a presence, something wordlessly huge, whatever it was, it warmed the nothingness and you hear… a thing, you don't know what to make of it. It sounded like a yawning pit, it was followed by a growl that shook the blackness around you, the not water rippled. Then there was light, a red and yellow and orange light, dim at first and shining on the water, you look in its direction, up. It's… it's an eye, huge and piercing, opening, with all the menace in existence, 'oh god.'
"God forgive me, please, please, please. Let your eye shine down on me, bring the day so that I may see, so that I may…" The frantic whisper caught in your throat, though fear gripped you and you betrayed yourself by begging, you could never bring yourself to do god's bidding.
The thing opened fully. It glowed bright, and had a black slit in it like a cat or lizard. Come to think of it, it was scaly like a lizard, you see from the yellow gleam bouncing from black scales. "Oh, this is a dream and you're a dragon." You say to the thing. No, that doesn't seem right, your brain tells you, but what else could ever be this absurd?
The thing lifts its giant black head, its long neck craning up, up, up to show an underbelly of a matte black, only shiny from the yellow flecked water streaming from the beast.
Black water that caught the yellow and red of its eyes streamed from it in huge waterfalls that crashed all around you soundlessly, but you could feel the weight of them. Dream or not, it's a thing to see, absolutely majestic, all around feels of endless space and none at all.
You think you must be little more than an ant to that black scaly thing. It tilts its head and you can see the glowing light of its eyes on the black scales that cover its body. It looks at you for a while, or pauses, you're not sure if it's looking at you, you forget fear, but only for a moment because then its belly starts to glow. White turns red and yellow, it spreads all the way up to its neck, then it belches some black gas that smoked in thick plumes and it becomes one with the darkness.
The ever glowing veins or cracks looked like lava trickling from a volcano, the falling water slowed to a trickle and rose to steam away in the nothingness. Brighter the cracks glowed and brighter still. A long groan came out, shaking the blackness again. The thing's mouth started to glow.
The bottom of your stomach seemed to hollow out, there's a pit inside you, and you want to run, but… it won't hurt, not just because it's a dream or because it is, either way it won't hurt you tell yourself, your heartbeat steadied, all the fear leaves you.
You shut your eyes, you hear the flames belch out of the great looming fire lizard, you hear the steady beat of you heart. You see red through your closed eyes and you feel the heat around you, the steam rising from your skin, stripping skin and the flames hit you, you were wrong, the fire hurts, it strips away your skin, and for a second you scream but your muscles and organs vaporize, you blacken and crack, your eyeballs are dust now, but you see your own skin glow like hot coals and you melt like lava then turn to ash. Then it's your bones and teeth that turn black and crack and then to dust, all in a single moment. As You faded into the blackness a thought came. "Blood and ashes."
Your soul was bare to this thing, to the blackness and seemingly one with this nothingness. So when the thing happened, you felt it, saw it, you were it.
The dragon melted, shifted, it was real and unreal, it turned into a sizzling blob, that shrunk and fizzled out, compressing itself to, plumes of black, acrid smoke, floating…later, much later you'll wonder how you saw the black smoke from the pitch black that was now you. Something moved through the smoke, pulling it until it whipped softly away to show a person, or what looked like a person, what feels… no, it doesn't feel like a human should, it only showed itself like that, even the colour is wrong, it's skin is black, with softly glowing cracks of white crisscrossing the exposed skin peeking from mass of white hair, that enveloped it. Then it walked, its white hair trailing at its feet. It knelt, Brushing the not water, and you're whole again, or separate from the blackness, within it once more and beneath this thing, her, on the ink black not water.
You stared up at the face of a woman, her eyes glowed yellow, her skin black, it was true the first time but it's different seeing it with eyes, and not… being it. She looked into your eyes, her hair pooled around her on the not water, it was as though it were glass, her resting on the surface as though it was ground.
She was naked, you realize not quite getting over the pitch black skin, she was small and shapely too. 'If this was a dream', you thought 'what does that mean for my future with men? Maybe I was not meant for men.' This made you somewhat disappointed.
It reached out a hand, and grabbed yours when you shielded your face, ripping you from the not water.
"Don't think about it too much, it just is." the thing said, simply and with a tinge of amusement. Its eyes shone all around you.
"As for your future with men…" she was much shorter than you are, she tipped on her toes, you felt water running off you, strange how it felt like nothing just a second ago. Her hands rested on your shoulder, you gulped, leaning backwards. Then you notice, she gets taller, her heart shaped face broadened into a box like jaw, and her eyebrows grew thicker, her hair shortened and shoulders along with chest widen. And something your body knows and anticipates, it has something to do with??? "Down" was the word that your mind brought up. You don't know what it is but it makes you blush, you wait for it to touch you, not quiting wanting. She chuckles and shrinks back to the pretty petite girl, with the long hair, long and white like yours though much longer.
She smirks. "I think your future with men is all but certain, but with women though…" she gave a wry smile and planted a peck on your neck, though she has to rock on her toes to do so. It makes you uncomfortable, and a little annoyed, not her touching you, because she's playing with you, and yes the kiss did make you uncomfortable. Then you realize, you're not afraid, this thing was a dragon, taller than the "Roksted" palace in the capital, maybe even taller than "The Bridge".
"I'm a lot bigger than that." she said as if replying to your thoughts.
'Oh god it's in my head.' You realize and quickly back away from it, no she can't be in your head... but she is and you know it, it's one of the things you know here, your hands slip free from it's naked body, you were holding its waist, when did that happen, you look down to see you're naked too. You flush, your entire body turns deep red and realizing that made the colour deepen, you lap a naked thigh over the other and awkwardly inch your way into the darkness, as you did this, you became more furious that you have to until you can barely see her, and then you can't. Then you feel her, her presence at first, behind you, then her hands are pressing lightly on your back, and ever so slightly she drummed her fingers on your spine, it makes you shiver, and not from fear, anger and embarrassment. The dragon let out a laugh. 'Oh god.' and even in your own head it sounds like a squeal, perhaps because you have an unwanted guest there.
"I thought you hated god." She cocked her head to one side and then she's above you, looking down and into your eyes, hugging her knees and looking playful, You think maybe she's controlling everything and she just smiles at you, you feel a flicker of confusion before remembering she can read your mind, you cringed away, or tried to, you're submerged in this... not water, only a feeling told you it wasn't. The girl... thing gives you a carefully calculated pout, you know she puts effort into it but it still works, Thick white hair flowed over her shoulders to cover all the bits that should be covered, you're looking for them and you flush, it's just curiosity though, you remember she can read your thoughts and you shout in your head 'IT'S JUST CURIOSITY, OK", the thing only shrugs and smiled. That back skin, those black lips, the always shifting web of glowing white veins it's wrong, but she looks beautiful still, 'it'.
She smiles proudly in response to your thoughts. "You can read my mind." It's an admission of sorts, and somehow speaking the words aloud makes them true.
"What does that matter?" It replied, her lips don't move, it's just projected the thought in your head, "this is a dream." They were your words, your voice, and in your own head, but it was from her, like it forced them on you, like a recording being played back to you. The air or you, or maybe your perception rippled as she did that pushing of thought.
"Is it?" Your voice is a whisper and you're asking yourself more than you are her, and never mind that she can project her thoughts to your head or that she can reply to your own thoughts. "It feels like a dream."
"Well…" she started a reply, and fumbled for words, or pretended to, more like, and she frowned when she knew you realized this. "You fell asleep so…" She paused in frustration as your realization of her playing ruined her fun, "that and you're not frightened by the big black dragon that melted into... this." The dragon lightly brushed the outlines of her curves. She smiled as your eyes went wide, and your cheeks heated up, you clearly didn't ruin her punchline, her stupid stupid punchline.
You thought you noticed her quiver in fear, just before light came from above, shining bright in the shape of a door, her mood and features shifted just before she tilted her head to look down at you. You're staring at the light when you were brought back to the dragon girl, when you felt her move closer.
"Don't move," it said suddenly serious, not exactly cold but it frightened you, you did exactly what she said, in spite of yourself. "Funny how you never asked a single thing about dragons, if it is a dream it doesn't matter anyhow does it? And I'm not an it." it finished defensively then gave a shrug that could have meant anything. You chided yourself for that, you should have asked but… your cheeks heated and she smiled. She radiated fear though, her features showed it, just beneath her smiles, she was clearly trying not to look behind her.
You're half submerged in the water, she reached a hand out to you and fingered at your face, brushing your lips lightly, the sudden urgency gone, its palpable fear nearly vanished. 'She has soft hands', you think. She smiled a sweet smile. "Call me Actous." She said.
"Kee Blossoms?" as you opened your mouth, half in a stupor, she lulled you somehow, no it wasn't that her ink black lips cracked with glowing white was pretty.
She slipped her thumb inside your mouth, not at all smiling as you expected her to at your thought. It felt weird, you thought this might be a response but her face was too dark, and her blackness looked menacing. She gave a sad nod.
"Don't fret, this will hurt, I will be with you, whatever that means for you I'm not certain." Your being shook slightly with visceral fear, her palm cupped your right cheek, her fingers reached under your jaw to the soft of your throat, her grip tightened, her fingers burrowed into your skin, you could feel the fingers grate against the strange tubes in your throat.
The dragon's pupils and iris vanished, in a wash of bright yellow light, humanity leaving. Yellow light took them over, blinding.
Her mouth glowed with fire, her shifting cracks hummed, bright red and yellow, it spread from her middle, the white of her turned to the colours of lava, going up her chest and then her arm, you're feeling the heat now, heat and pent pressure flowed towards you.
"AHHHHHHHGGG!!!!" Your scream crescendos, as fire, heat, life pours into you, filling you. It burns, you grab her arm, , she slapped your arm away just as your scream is drowned in the fire. Through waves of flickering heat you see sadness on her face, the fire seems to follow the shifting cracks in her skin, draining like the flow of water. Where her thumb meets your cheek burns the hottest, Your head feels about to splinter, you can almost see it, feel yourself burning, splitting into shards of burning blood and bone and black ash. Through the screaming you hear her talking softly, then she's shouting at you. "Don't fight it!!! Are you listening to me??? Remember Blood and Ashes, remember, Blood and Ashes."
—
"She came to me in a dream, and called herself Actous,
[obscured] and that is what she brought, my life was never the same after that." — "Words of the Dragon" a compilation by [obscured] of the [obscured] taken from "Days of the saint"
by B